Loved By His Grace

Someone Does Care

2011-01-07T21:26:00.000-06:00

....Don't be discouraged if you find that some Christians, even those very close to you, don't have the patience or skill or the compassion to handle another person's pain.

....You can always turn to God. HE will NEVER leave you or forsake you....HE will NEVER judge you or give up on you...HE will always be there to love you....He will stand with you through your pain (physical or emotional) with compassion and tenderness...loving you like no other....

"If You Look For Me At Christmas...."

2010-12-27T12:54:00.000-06:00

A Christmas Wish Fulfilled.....

2010-12-22T12:33:00.000-06:00

There were mixed emotions at our home last night. We found the family of the puppy the kids rescued!!!

As I was talking on the phone to the mom, she shared with me that the only thing her little daughter wanted for Christmas was to find her puppy and have her back home!!! What joy filled my heart as I knew how excited she would be to have her puppy back in the comfort of her little bed as she drifted off to sleep!!!

When they arrived at the front door, the mom and the daughter's faces were filled with smiles!! The little girl, dressed her her footed pj's and fluffy blond hair, could hardly wait to get the leash back on her little dog!! She put the leash on her puppy and ran to their car....my kids followed her out the door, not understanding what was going on. Where was this precious little dog, that they had quickly fallen in love with, going? The mom handed me a card and off they went.

As I shut the door, I realized this was an opportunity to share with the kids how they helped a little girls Christmas wish come true.

They miss the puppy and have asked hundreds of times today where she is. I have to admit, I miss her too. I even think our golden retriever, Espn, misses his little play mate. But, our hearts are happy knowing that she is where she belongs....with a family that loves her!!!

Lord, thank You for Your hand in this situation. For allowing us to care for this puppy while looking for her family. For the laughter, smiles, and giggles that filled our kids hearts and faces while she was here and for the smiles, joy, and giggles that are surely filling that precious little girls face today. I know to some, it may seem like a silly prayer, but we know Your presence in everything and we thank You for leading us to her family! Thank You for allowing us to be able to fulfill a Christmas wish of such a precious little girl....may she grow up knowing You are with her in all things.

In His Grip~

Lost But Found.....

2010-12-20T13:11:00.000-06:00

Oh what a sweet sweet puppy my kids found over the weekend!!! She is a miniature pinscher!! She isn't a stray by any means of the word. She had a collar on but no tags to identify who her owners are. So, lovingly, we took her into our home with the hopes and prayers that we will find her family and return her to their embrace.

Last night as we were getting the kids ready for bed, the puppy ran down the hall and jumped into Ashley's bed and under the covers she went. Ashley was beside herself with joy at her new "bunk mate". I stood outside their bedroom door and joy rushed over my heart as I heard the twins in there laughing and giggling at the new roommate that had settled in for the night.

My heart was heavy though. I know she is a pet that is loved by someone and she is being greatly missed right now. We have made trips around our neighborhood, and surrounding neighborhoods, in an attempt to find her family....nothing has turned up yet. The kids and I went to PetSmart and PetCo this morning and posted signs and get her some puppy food and a few small toys to keep her company.

It might seem silly to those of you who don't have a pet, but the kids prayed this morning at breakfast that we would find her mommy and daddy. They are truly concerned that she is missing her family. I prayed that whoever has lost her will have a peace in their heart that she is being well taken care of and loved on and that we are searching for her family. I remember as a young child, we lost our cat. My brother and I were DEVASTATED throughout the night. Luckily, she came home....my momma found her that next morning. She had taken shelter out in the wood pile!! We were so excited that she returned home!!! And my hopes for the day is that we can give her family that same joy of finding their little family member.

Here are a few pictures of her first day with us....I'm not a small dog person....but she is a SWEETHEART!!!!

A Thought Unable To Shake....

2010-12-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

"If everything was easy and obvious....we wouldn't need FAITH in our lives"

Have you ever read something that seems to be stuck in your brain? Well, this past week, I read the above quote from an amazing book inspired by a very young person. How simple he said it....and how completely he believed it and lived it.

I think we sometimes expect life to be easy. I know I have. But if life was always easy, would our faith continue to grow into a more deep, dependent, intimate relationship with God? Would we need Him in all things like He so desires us to?

I wish I would have read this book a few years ago....it would have changed my persepective in regards to what we have been through in our family. It might not have taken the pain away, but I think it would have helped all of us feel like our pain was not in vain...that in the midst of trials and tragedy, God is ever so lovingly with us. That within each of us is truly a warrior possessing a strength that only comes through abiding in Him and that it is in being a warrior we can help others who find themselves in battles.

But then on the other hand, I realize that it was God's perfect timing that I did read this book...for it explained a great deal of what we went through and why. Have all the questions been answered? No! Not hardly....but I see through the questions that the peace in not knowing can only truly come from having FAITH that God is truly in control and our trust in Him during the upheavals of life is the anchor that will keep our feet on solid ground when all else is sinking sand....

I hope that in the difficult times and times full of question that will certainly present themselves in the future, I will find my FAITH present and unshakable and that I will trust, more than question, the author of my life.

Hidden In My Heart

2010-12-02T10:05:00.000-06:00

To Purchase This Amazing CD ~ Click On The Title Of This Post & You Will Be Directedto This Website

Most of you know my love and passion for music....not just any music, but songs that change your heart. This CD is by far one of the most eloquent and peaceful compositions of Scripture expressed through music that I've ever heard. I find my heart grows still, and I feel life return to a place of peaceful existence. Especially during this time of year. The business of holiday preparation and memories of the years past can take one to a place of hectic existence.... This CD brings it all back into perspective.

Perfect gift for a baby shower that will stay with the child for years to come. Wonderful idea for parents that find themselves on that ever so unwanted journey of days and weeks in the NICU with a premature or ill child. Excellent stocking stuffer for a person of any age that longs for peace. I truly truly love this CD and can't wait to purchase my own.

Be blessed in all that you do and be a blessing to those in need.

In His Amazing Grip ~

A Few New Pictures

2010-11-29T14:52:00.000-06:00

It is so much fun to watch them grow... see their precious eyes fill with wonder as they explore and learn new things. They truly are no longer babies...but as Ashley would say "I'm just a kid"... At any stage, like always in my eyes, they become even more precious.... May these pictures bring a smile to your face as they have ours.

It IS The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

2010-11-29T14:27:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving.... accomplished!

Christmas Decorating.... In progress!

Celebrating the True Reason for this wonderful Season.... Always!

Merry Christmas! May this Holiday Season be filled with Christ and His love for you!!

To Be Thankful...

2010-11-19T11:41:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving!!!

I love Thanksgiving!!!

Partly because it falls during my FAVORITE time of year...
The leaves are changing into beautiful hues of reds and oranges...
The air is intoxicated by the scent of warm fires and burning leaves...
It's a time of shedding and renewal...
It's a time to reflect in gratitude for the blessings in our lives.
(And of course ... I must mention ... FOOTBALL is in full swing!!)

I look back at where we were last year and I am so encouraged by the journey that God has taken our family!! I am so thankful that God, though appearing silent and not present at times, was ever so present and working "behind the scenes" to bring our family to where we are today!! It's a journey that I didn't enjoy and didn't embrace, but looking back, I am thankful for each step that He carried us through.

The strength that we as a family now possess will always be a reminder, should we enter any other seasons of challenge, that even when our earthly eyes cannot see the presence of God, He is in fact with us and most certainly working around us. I have learned to be thankful for the silence of God. It has strengthened my faith. It has made me realize that I don't always have to know what He is doing, I just have to trust that He IS doing.

This year, my heart is with those of you who find yourselves in a season of challenge or change...loss or loneliness. For those of you who are struggling to find those things in which to be thankful for. I know it isn't easy and words can seem void of true compassion. I just want to send loving encouragement out to you to hold true to the course. Keep your eyes focused on God and trust that He is with you and that He is working among you to bring you through your season to a new "spring". God never promised us that life would be easy...but He HAS promised that He will be with us, guide us, and provide for us as we stay in the shelter of His presence.

I truly wish you a HAPPY THANKSGIVING and a season of peace and joy! Know that I sit here in prayer for you that He will reveal even a small ray of His light, if not illuminate your path, as a reminder that He is with you always!!!

In His Grip,
In His Grace!

Pictures from Kristi

2010-11-12T09:50:00.001-06:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

There Are No Words....

2010-11-05T10:19:00.003-05:00

All I can say is that I miss you Major....Your time here....FAR too short..The questions...Still so many....The pain...Will always run deep....I will always always love you sweet boy....Always and forever you will be in my heart!!!

I can hardly breathe through the pain....it penetrates every ounce of my heart...I look at your cousins, Meg and Ash and the pain strengthens and overtakes my soul...To just say "I Miss You and I Love You"...doesn't express how my heart feels...I'm at a loss for words...The years do not make it easier...They make it more difficult...I cannot hide behind a smile and say that I'm okay...it's a paralyzing pain and grief...I am not okay...None of us are...I do NOT understand this...I LOVE YOU MAJOR...LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!!

Beyond Blessed By His Grace

2010-10-20T17:22:00.002-05:00

I am BEYOND blessed to be sitting where I am today!!! The smiles that fill these precious faces light my heart up!!

"Jesus Loves Me...This I Know..."

2010-09-22T11:59:00.004-05:00

The other afternoon, Ashley told me ~ "Mommy...I'm going to wait outside for Daddy to come home." She scurried out the front door. After a few moments, I went out to check on her. I spotted her sitting on the curb just at the end of our property. She looked so cute. So quietly, I walked over to where she was. I could hear her saying something. I didn't want her to know I was there. So, I got down, and crawled on my stomach until I could make out exactly what she was saying. She was singing...singing a sweet song to Jesus..

.

"Jesus loves me this I know...for the Bible tells me so...."

As a mommy, this made my heart swell with joy that at the tender age of three she knows who lives in her heart. She will tell you all on her own that "Jesus lives in her heart".... and I couldn't be more proud!!!

Monkey, mommy loves your sweet tender heart and how you love to sing songs to Jesus about the love in your heart for Him!!! I pray daily that your journey will always be rooted, grounded, and established in the love that God has for you!!! May your steps be guided by His truth and may your every bit of self esteem come from knowing Him as your Lord and Savior!!! I love you, Megan and Kory so much!!!

Bath Time Giggles!! :)

2010-09-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

Surrounded By Love

2010-08-15T20:43:00.001-05:00

Ah....what more can I say? When they lavish each other in sweet hugs and kisses, it makes my heart overflow with great joy!! I love you sweet kids!! Mommy loves you so much!!

Marriage ~ A Must Read

2010-08-08T19:19:00.002-05:00

I ran across this story that was posted on a friends page on Facebook...Wow! It is truly a moving story about marriage...most of us know that it's not easy.

When you don't have Christ as the center, most marriages suffer a great deal when they could have been thriving and lavishing in the love of Christ. I had to post this on my blog as well. It truly is moving. So many men have sent me notes that this really moved them to tears so I pray that as I post this tonight, it will touch the heart of at least one person or couple who might find themselves struggling to "survive" in marriage.

May God bless you as you read this and may your hearts be changed and inspired! I love you all so much and thank you for the support and encouragement that you have been in my life throughout the years.

In His Grip!
Kristi

Marriage ~ A Must Read

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into
tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. SO FIND TIME TO BE YOUR SPOUSE'S FRIEND AND DO THOSE LITTLE THINGS FOR EACH OTHER THAT BUILD INTIMACY. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

MANY OF LIFE'S FAILURES ARE PEOPLE WHO DID NOT REALIZE HOW CLOSE THEY WERE TO SUCCESS WHEN THEY GAVE UP.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

“So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6

For those of you who are contemplating divorce… take a step back and think about the days in your relationship when you both actively pursued one another and you could say you were truly happy… remember when you looked forward to seeing your spouse, spending time with your spouse, and doing things for your spouse that you knew would make them smile… what happened?? When is the last time you did those things?

I CHALLENGE YOU TODAY TO STOP BEING SELFISH AND TOO PRIDEFUL!! HUMBLE YOURSELVES AND START PURSUING YOUR TWO!!!!!! MAKE AN EFFORT TO MAKE EACH OTHER SMILE! YOU WILL BE SURPRISED HOW FAR A SMILE WILL GO!

HOW STRONG ARE YOU.... TOGETHER?? ARE YOU ABLE TO ACCEPT THIS CHALLENGE? I KNOW YOU CAN!!!! GOD KNOWS YOU CAN! IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

Perfect Love

2010-08-06T18:24:00.005-05:00

Oh what an intense year it has been. That is in some ways an understatement. I've learned so much at the price of great pain. God has ever so faithfully taken my hand in this journey...not to make the journey easier, but to show me what I need to change in my life regardless of the end result.

My awesome friend Cheryl used to tell me about work that God was doing in her life. "Ah! It's so painful" ... we would talk about how God was revealing to each of us the "not so pretty" things about us and how we were going through a transformation process. I love Cheryl! She's always been so real and transparent. She has been a huge inspiration in my life! I remember the "garden" analogy we used to talk about...how if the weeds in the garden weren't removed, they'd take over the beauty of the garden...how they painfully needed to be weeded out. No one likes to weed a garden or a flower bed...it's grueling at times...but oh!! The beauty that is revealed...

My life's journey with God has been spent with a lot time "weeding" out of my life those things that weren't of Him. Has it always been easy? Oh no!! Some things I would hold on to and fight letting go of. But these days, life has taken a different course. It might sound odd...but I'm all about the pain...if it means I'm growing more into the likeness of Christ. I am FAR FAR from where I'd like to be...but this journey with God, this dance that He and I are in, is beautiful because my heart and mind and spirit are open to everything that He is showing me. I ask Him every day "Lord, reveal to me a clean and pure heart and teach me how to have that".

For a long time...my pursuit and dreams have ended with great heartache. I sought out everything that I wanted and went about my way to get it. My sense of self worth and fulfillment in life was always attached to someone or something. The pressure that it can put on someone to "fill" you is beyond what any human can provide. When we place that kind of pressure on someone, it can suffocate them...we only set them up for failure because not one of us is capable of filling another. God is the only One who can.

My journey away from that way of life is an ongoing one. I still have to remind myself that it is what I am in God's eyes that matters. My identity is not wrapped up in a relationship or in things but in the One who truly loves me beyond all others.

So, with that being said, I began reading a book about restoring relationships. I have realized very early in this book that two important things must exist before any progress can be made in reconciliation of any relationship...marriage, friendship, family relationships, etc....

#1 ~ We must love God above all others.... and #2 ~ We must love ourselves.

I've had it backwards for so long!! I loved others, then God, and rarely, myself. Ouch! In this book there is a "letter" of sorts that is written from the perspective from God talking to us, as His daughters about "Perfect Love".... so, without making this post any longer...I want to share this letter with you....

“Perfect Love….”

"My Precious Daughter....

Wait, not until you are first satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me can I bring you true love. You see, first you must give yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found. Only then, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have for you.

You will never be fully united with another until you are united with Me. Exclusive to anyone or anything else, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow Me to bring it to you. You must keep watching and experiencing the satisfaction that I am, expecting Me to do the greatest of things. Most importantly, keep listening and learning the things I show you. Just wait…that’s all!

Don’t be anxious and don’t worry. Don’t look at the things others have received, or that I have given them. You just keep looking at Me, or you’ll miss what I am teaching you. Then, when you are ready, I’ll give you a love far more wonderful than any you will ever dream about.

Most of all, I want you to see in his flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me and enjoy the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you. “Believe it and be satisfied”

My daughter, until you are ready-I am working even this moment to have you both ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied and content with me and the life I have prepared for you; you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, thus, perfect Love.

Loving You Perfectly,
God”

Ash's 1st Ride On Her Big Girl Bike!!

2010-08-03T14:07:00.003-05:00

This is a PRECIOUS video that Daren sent me of Ash riding her "big girl bike" for the first time all the way down the street and back. It is so precious!!! I am soooo proud of you Ash!!! Way to go little girl!!!!!! You may be tiny...but someone forgot to tell you that...because there isn't a thing that you don't try and I LOVE the adventurous spirit that you have!!!! Mommy loves you sweet pea!!

Papa & Kory Spend A Day Together...

2010-07-07T12:39:00.017-05:00

AH! What a sweet memory that my dad made with Kory!

A few weeks back, Tinker AFB had their air show! My dad was so thoughtful to take Kory for the day to see one of his favorite modes of transportaion...air planes! He had a blast and continues to talk about all the "big jets", "tunder birdies", and "papa's air show".

Growing up as the daughter of an Air Force pilot, we spent experienced many great memories at Air Shows throughout the world and this great country. Now, that Daren and I are going through a painful divorce, I am so thankful that my daddy has taken time out of his busy schedule to do those special "guy things" with Kory.

My heart still breaks deeply that the kids have to endure the shuffle back and forth between my home and life at Daren's mom's house. It really started to show the effects on the kids in the past 3 weeks and reality tore my heart. I do my best to remain strong and never speak ill of the situation to the kids...but when they cry and ask "where daddy is?" it's so hard to not let my own tears spill from my eyes. This seems so unfair to them. All I know to do is pray that God will comfort their hearts and give me the right words to speak to help their tender hearts and minds understand that both their mommy and daddy love them. AS a mommy, it kills me to watch my little ones hurt and lack understanding. How do you explain to three little children what is going on in a way that they can understand?

They come back home to Mommy on Saturday and I can not wait to have their voices and laughter fill this quiet house up again. My life is not meant to be lived without them here...Their lives aren't meant to be filled with this drama and I just wish I could wave some sort of magic wand and take away all the uncertainty and fear that they are feeling!

Here are a "few" pictures of Kory and the day he spent with Papa enjoying all the air planes. Thank you dad for sharing this memory with Kory! I love you so much and apprciate what you do so that Kory can have the presence of you in his life!!

A HUGE day....made for one tired, precious, sweet little boy...memories that will last a life time...thank you Dad!! I love you!!

In His Grip~

Role of The Christian Father

2010-06-17T07:10:00.003-05:00

On FaceBook, there is a link you can subscribe to called "The Word of God". Daily you receive notes that encourage you as a Christian to live a life that exemplifies and honors Christ. It gives you real life situations and helps you learn how to make the best of who you are as a child of God.

Today's note particularly touched my heart. The role of a Christian father is so vitally important to our generation and our future generations. I have been so blessed that for 38 years I have had the worlds best dad!! His modesty will deny his greatness, but all that know him, know that he is a man who pursues God's heart. He is an amazing provider for our family and he has an unconditional love for all of us. So, I know it is a few days early, but I wanted to wish my daddy, John Rhodes, the best father's day and thank him for his continued love for me as his daughter. I love you Daddy!!

In His Grip~
Kristi

By The Word of God
Role of the Christian Father

Father’s day is a day to celebrate the goodness of fatherhood. This is a day when we remember and honor our father’s love and commitment. As children, have you thanked your father for his love toward you? We are thankful for fathers’ support, guidance and love. We thank God that He has blessed us with special fathers.

A father is a good provider. As long as he is capable, he is willing to labor hard to provide shelter for his family, and food on the table. However, I strongly believe that Christian fathers are not judged by how much they earn or how many material goods they can provide. What does matter to his children, is how he introduces, educates, and guides them to Jesus Christ and how good a faithful Christian role model he is.

Fathers are very important in God’s plan for the family. Fathers have a wonderful opportunity to encourage, to warn, to teach, to counsel, and to model the Christian life for their children. The most important job for fathers is found in Deuteronomy chapter 6 to teach their children to always love and obey God. Paul said that fathers should raise their children in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). Christian fathers who do this will distinguish themselves from other fathers and will be obedient to God’s will. God desires that our children should be nurtured by fathers who love the Lord.

A man and his young son were climbing a mountain. They came to a place where the climbing was difficult and even dangerous. The father stopped to consider which way he should go. He heard the boy behind him say, “Choose the good path, Dad; I’m coming right behind you!”..As Christian fathers, are you doing your job? I am not talking about providing a cozy house, food for the table, and high education. By establishing the disciplines of worship, prayer, and Bible study in your own life, you’ll be prepared to integrate these into teachable moments with your children.

A father is the head of his family. A father does this, not out of insecurity, selfishness or pride, but out of the desire to be an obedient servant to God. (Ephesians 5:22) In this day and age when the concept of the family is under attack, and the role of the father is made light of, let us show our support of the institution of Fatherhood by loving and honoring our Fathers, and by being good Fathers; and by remembering and loving and honoring the greatest father of all - God the Father Almighty.

Meg and Mommy

2010-06-12T21:13:00.004-05:00

A silent tear fell from my eye as I was going through pictures the other day. As many of you know, I love pictures!! I love to capture moments in my children's lives of them being just them. They are my priceless treasures!

I ran across a picture of Megan when she was two and one of mommy when she was two. The similarity is truly amazing!!! So, for fun...I thought I would share this memory with you...

(Megan is on the Left and I am on the right...I love it!)

And then here below is a picture of us today! I love you Meggie. I love the miracle that you are! I know life is crazy difficult for your young mind to understand...and I promise I am trying to fix it. I love you, your sissy, and bubba! So, even when I fall short...know I'm trying my best!!

Forever Your Mommy and Forever my love!

Total Forgiveness

2010-06-10T09:54:00.002-05:00

Forgiveness. An act of selflessness that can be so hard to exercise. Forgiveness requires us to lay our pain aside and truly walk into forgiving others as Christ has forgiven us.

This can be an almost impossible task at times in our lives. When someone has hurt us or broken us, getting past it without bitterness requires that we do forgive them. I've learned that forgiveness doesn't mean that a relationship has to be reconciled...it means that the peace of Christ will consume our hearts over the pain or betrayal and bitterness will flee. It is the only way we will find freedom and release from the offense.

I chose not to share the details of the story behind the unforgiveness that I have harbored in my heart for over a year and a half at the destructive words spoken after one of the most devastating events in my life. But, however, I will share that these words cut like a knife deep into my heart leaving a scar. I have, to be honest, I hated the people that spoke them. I have carried this anger around and it has tainted so many other areas of my life and crept that negative energy into other relationships.

I thought that forgiveness meant condoning the actions that caused pain. It doesn't. It means the release of harbored pain and anger that can effect our emotions, our health, and our relationships with those that had nothing to do with the situation(s). It can also impose difficulty to forgive when the offender doesn't feel the slightest twinge of conscience.

I read recently a quote on forgiveness that states: "The ultimate proof of TOTAL forgiveness takes place when we sincerely petition the Father to let those who have hurt us off the hook - even if they have not hurt only us, but also those close to us". God mandates in His Scriptures that we forgive. Ephesians 4:32 "Be KIND and COMPASSIONATE to one another, FORGIVING EACH OTHER, just as Christ God forgave you."

Think of all the sins in our lives. Deliberate actions that go directly against what God asks us to do. But yet, He gave the ultimate price for our forgiveness. He GAVE His only Son to die for our sins so that we could live in His mercy and grace...so that we could walk as His forgiven children. He holds no grudge against those who honestly and earnestly petition forgiveness for our sins. If God gave His Son...can we not give our hearts? Can we not forgive each other and walk in love towards one another?

In reading R.T. Kendall's book 'Total Forgiveness' he explains through Scripture what forgiveness isn't. I think we get blinded by and fear the misconception of what forgiveness is and isn't. This can lead us to not move into forgiveness and the freedom that prevails.

Here is a list of what Mr. Kendall pens that forgiveness is NOT: (from pages 23 - 31 in his book, supported by Scriptures from God's word)

* Approval of what they did
* Excusing what they did
* Justifying what they did
* Pardoning what they did
* Reconciliation
* Denying what they did
* Blindness to what happened
* Forgetting
* Refusing to take the wrong seriously
* Pretending we are not hurt

And to help us understand what total forgiveness is, he helps by explaining through Scriptures how we can walk into this freedom from bondage to past hurts. Total forgiveness IS: (pages 31-46)

* Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them
* Choosing to keep no record of wrongs
* Refusing to punish
* Not telling what they did
* Being merciful
* Gracious
* Forgiveness is an inner condition
* It is the ABSENCE of bitterness
* Forgiving God (all of our bitterness is ultimately traceable to resentment of God
or unconscious anger that He would allow this pain to happen)
* Forgiving ourselves

I was relieved to see for once a true list that is backed by God's word that helped me to understand what total forgiveness is and is not. I have been so reluctant to forgive for fear of what it would mean, but now knowing what it is and isn't has opened my heart to explore the pain and earnestly kneel at the foot of the cross first to ask God to forgive my sins so that I could move into totally forgiving others and asking others to forgive me.

This is such a pivotal time in my life. There are many changes going on. Some I have no control over and others that I may be able to influence reconciliation by seeking forgiveness and walking in total forgiveness of others.

It by no means is easy. But I am determined to seek the depths of my heart to rid it of anything that causes me to walk in anything less than God's perfect peace that at times can surpass any understanding!

In His Grip ~

My Trip to Salt Lake City

2010-06-08T13:24:00.020-05:00

Wow!!! I can't believe it's been 11 days since I returned from my trip to Salt Lake City to see my big brother~Dave, His awesome wife~Darcy, and my four PRECIOUS nieces!!! I can't begin to tell you how much this trip meant to me!!

The first day I was there, Darcy and I loaded up the girls and headed to the Mormon Tabernacle in downtown Salt Lake City!! I never knew such a thing existed!! Of course I had heard about it, but didn't realize the magnitude of this architectural masterpiece!! Wow! Amazing!!

The grounds were filled with the scent and scenery of Spring. There were brides all over the place having bridal portraits taken ~ families strolling through the abundant gardens ~ couples walking together hand in hand. It was like a paradise dead center in the middle of a major metropolitan city!

Here are a few pics that we took...I don't have all of them yet...(lucky you)...but here is what I have from that day....

The next picture...well, this next picture is so special to me. This is Darcy, my sister in law. She's not only a sister in law, she's the closest girl friend I have. She is an amazing woman...wife...mother...daughter...sister...aunt...and so much more. She has a heart full of compassion and has an inner strength that one can only have through her amazing tenacity. I love you Darcy. I draw strength and advice from watching you...just being in your presence is a safe place where my heart is free to feel. You came into our family by the grace of God and we are all ETERNALLY blessed for that gift! I love you like you were my own sister!!!

And then....it was lunch time...and someone was really hungry...but it is my favorite!!!

Now THIS is a HUGE church!!! Wow!

Needless to say it was the most refreshing day I have had in months and months!! It was perfect!! Perfect weather, perfect company, and stunning scenery.

Little did I know that the next day would be even more amazing. My brother is an orthopedic surgeon there in SLC, but had the 2nd day I was there, off from work. I was so excited to be able to spend some time with him too...so we all loaded up and headed up the mountains for a hike in one of the canyons..... I've seen pictures that they have sent and that my parents have taken on trips to see them...but seeing these majestic mountains and rushing waterfalls...seeing them in person brings to life so many more senses than just visual. It was an adventure that truly was so much fun!!
I would hike this canyon every day if I could. There were so many rocks that paved the way for the rushing creek that was filled with fresh melted snow...so many places I would have love to sat down with my notebook and pen and write...the beauty of it all opened in me a fresh breath of air that my lungs had so desperately needed.

My Big Brother and I ~ I love you Dave!! You Rock!!!

It was a great trip! I've never been away from my kids like that and it was hard in that respect...but having time with this precious family truly brightened my heart and lifted the load. I can't thank them enough for the gift of flying me out there to see them....it was a week I will cherish forever!!Here are a few various photographs from various moments in this week...

I hope these pictures made you smile...because they light up my life!

In His Grip!

Missing You

2010-06-07T10:35:00.002-05:00

Please, for today, do not tell me to be strong. Please for today, let my heart feel the pain. Please allow me to travel through this...to journey through this in an attempt to somehow find my way...please, for today, let my heart pour the tears that have been so long wanting to fall...please....just for today...let me miss what was...miss what isn't....miss what never will be...just let me...

My Awesome Amazing Family!

2010-05-22T11:40:00.001-05:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

A Call To Worship In The Valley

2010-05-21T09:10:00.003-05:00

Below is a short note I wrote to a few friends on facebook....and I wanted to share it with those of you that aren't on facebook or might have missed it. This season has been long and difficult...but I've found my footing and the "quit" mentality that I've been shouldering for months is starting to fade. Thank you so much for the love and prayers that you each have selflessly given and the cards, postcards, emails, and phone calls....I've cherished each one. I'm sure the difficult days are not over...but I'm going to do my best to put the past behind me,embrace the life that I now have, and press on! I love you all!!!!

One of my all time favorite books was discovered shortly after one of the most tragic events in my life. It's an amazing book of trusting in the goodness and faithfulness of God during times of great sorrow or unrest. It's written by Matt and Beth Redman ~ "Blessed Be Your Name". You have more than likely heard the song that Matt so amazingly wrote that encourages the worshiper to bless the Name of God during every season of life. (I'll attach the Lyrics at the end of this note)

As I picked up this book again today, it fell open to Chapter 5 ~ "You Give and Take Away". This so appropriately encompasses the entire nature of the season of life that I am in.

God has given so much to me through my three children, my great parents, my amazing brother & his family, and wonderful friends. God also has allowed other relationships to fade away or end abruptly.

The pain of relationships ended, as in my marriage, has at times left me paralyzed in sadness and grief. My flesh over rode what in my heart and mind knew to be true about the reasons God allows these things to happen. I found myself reacting in ways that were not of God and what He would have me to do. I started to once again walk in the wilderness without the armor of His protection.

I'm thankful that He relentlessly pursued my heart again and gently drew me back to His presence and the foot of the cross where I found myself in repentance for wondering and joy in His grace and mercy that covers my life.

In this 5th chapter of this book, there are several phrases and statements that struck my heart as to be such great truth of who our God is during times in life where people or "things" are lost. I deeply desire to share these with you my precious friends. There are several of us that continue on in our journey in the valley and several more that know others who find themselves in the midst of pain that, if I were to only read this for myself, would be selfish on my part. So, please allow me to share with you these amazing words that Matt and Beth so realistically penned for us to read.

~ "Oh that God would bring us to the place that even when the familiar and the comfortable fall away beneath us, STILL we are found with an undying song of trust flowing from our lips and from our lives"

~ "The last section of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" comes straight from the story of Job. In what has to be one of the most intense stories in the whole of Scripture, Job is stripped of everything precious to him and suffers much hardship. Toward the beginning of his ordeal, he finds a way to the place of praise, falling to the ground in worship and crying out: 'The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord' (Job 1:21, NASB)
This resounding line is a challenge for every worshipper. A CALL TO TRUST DEEPLY IN THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD, SHAPING OUR LIVES BASED NOT ON THE TEMPORARY THINGS OF THE EARTH BUT ON THE ETERNAL KING OF HEAVEN. For devotion to STAND THE TEST OF TIME and ENDURE THROUGH EVERY SEASON of the soul, it CANNOT be based on the ever-changing circumstances of our lives-IT MUST HAVE ITS FOUNDATION ON THE NEVER-CHANGING WORTH OF GOD. (all emphasis mine)

~ (William Cowper was a great poet in the eighteenth century. He wrote many amazing hymns of praise. He was able to pen such amazing expressions of worship from a heart that carried much sadness...this next phrase that caught my heart is about his life)

".....But the most amazing thing of all about this hymn is that Cowper suffered with manic depression-something that he'd been plagued by for many years and that doctors in his day had little comprehension of. How incredible that he could write such a powerful hymn wrapped around the theme of sovereignty of God while living day by day under such a dark cloud!

~Yes, there are some things we will never understand while we walk upon this earth. There comes a time when we simply have to submit to the mystery.

~Sometimes, as we stand there in the midst of our pain and confusion, all we can do is submit to the mystery-knowing that He who gives and takes away is infinitely wiser and more loving than we could ever fathom.

~We stand on the unshakable hope of all that is to come - for our present suffering, as real and as awful as it may be, will be NOTHING in comparison with the glory that will be revealed in us (when we join Him in heaven)
.....Romans 8:18 says "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"

~Somehow, this pain, which thunders violently in the very cores of our beings, will be but a mere whisper when compared with the radiance and satisfaction to one day be bestowed upon us. It's good news from a distant land, the glimmering haze of a bright hope to come. And yet it is not escapism - for though this hope will be fully unveiled to us on that day, even now we can live in Christ, and He in us. ***WE WALK ON: SORROWFUL, YET ALWAYS REJOICING; PERPLEXED, BUT NEVER IN DESPAIR; AT TIMES HAVING NOTHING AND YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING.

~The road to our final destination WILL INDEED BE MARKED WITH SUFFERING. Jesus is looking for worshippers who will CHOOSE Him EVEN IN THE MIDST of their pain. A people with a cry of "Blessed Be Your Name" RESONATING in the depths of their souls. And no matter how painful life becomes, He will SURELY BE WORTH THE STRUGGLE"

(And now for my thoughts...for what they are worth) :0)

This book, along with the Scriptures in the Bible, is a map to the hidden treasure of a peace that surpasses understanding during the painful and often devastating times in our lives that leave us feeling as though the wind has been knocked out of us and the rug violently ripped out from under our feet. The challenge, to praise Him, to trust Him, to keep our hearts open to Him while not fully understanding or possessing all the answers to His reasons for such dark times.

I have allowed the past 3 years to dictate my worship and trust in God. Not in the way God would want it...but in the way I wanted....I could not find a way to worship God or trust in His ways. I could (and still don't) understand how valley after valley continued to detour me on my journey to a closer relationship with Him. My goal…to praise Him in the storm and praise Him in the calm!

Will it be easy? No! I'm sure dark days will still find their ways into the path of my life. It's my choice from here on out to praise Him and trust Him...have faith in what I cannot see with my earthly eyes. But, there are good days right now as well….I shall hold on to those days…embrace them with a heart that desires to walk in joy!!

I continue to be blessed by my friends here on FaceBook. As I continue to press on through this valley, I will in time, share more about this journey and how so many of you have saved me in times of deep depression. I am forever blessed that God has brought many of you back into my life. I’m blessed for the new friends that I have made.

In His Grip~

"Sometimes He Calms The Storm"

2010-05-11T16:14:00.000-05:00

Terrifying Night

2010-05-11T11:47:00.007-05:00

It's been awhile since I've taken time to sit and post anything on this blog of mine. There was a time that I would post at least once a day. I was IN LOVE with life and all that made it up.

These days, it's been more difficult to find the good. I'll update more on my own journey later...hopefully. I know many of you have wondered and sent sweet messages asking for updates on how to pray ~ so I'll do my best to post on that later.

But for now, I want to post on the horrific weather that rolled through Norman last night ~ leaving me breathless at times ~ terrified at others ~ and just worried beyond comprehension.

I'd like to start by thanking my neighbors, Melissa and Tom. They came over with their little guy River (he's almost 3 and just the most precious little guy! The kids LOVE to play with him and having them as neighbors has become such a blessing!!)

Our local news had started "warning" us on Saturday that Monday would be filled with a severe weather outbreak. I didn't think much of it....that is until Monday late morning when they issued a tornado watch for most of our state that was in effect until 10:00 p.m. Still, I wasn't worried at this point.

Then all of a sudden, local programing was interrupted by our local news. Large dangerous storms started to form in Northern Oklahoma. If I recall correctly, by 2:00 there were reports of 3-4 tornado's in the North Central portions of our state. Within an hour, they began reporting on storms firing up at rapid speed just west of the Oklahoma City metro area. Tornado's warning popped up for Oklahoma City, Moore, Del City, Midwest City, and several other towns. Baseball and softball size hail with straight line winds in excess of 100 mph were approaching the area in which my parents live.

This is when my nerves started to increase and worry set in. Within 30 minutes, storms just west of Norman, where I live, blew up into major storms with multiple tornado's ~ headed our way. Around 4:30, the tornado sirens began to blow and the skies grew angry.Power went out and so we were left uninformed of what was going on....

Major circulation passed right over my house and was headed in the direction of where the kids are at Grandma's when they are with their Daddy. I started to call....and call....and call....and call....no answer....I was so fearful and had no idea what was going on at all. All I knew to do was pray that the kids would be okay.
Our local news channel 4 has a helicopter that covers stories and I knew something bad was going on when it flew over and suddenly began to hoover just by where the kids were. Again...I called and called and called....no answer. Finally, Daren picked the phone up and told me that they were in the closet. I could hear the kids crying in the background and my heart broke. I wanted to be with them. I'm a mommy...protecting my children is what I do. It's who I am.

So, with no power, no way to know what was going on...I jumped in my car and headed that way to see if they were okay. These next few pictures are pictures of the entrance to Gayle's house and some of 48th Street that her house is located off of......

So, I thank God that the kids are safe and okay. I'm anxious for them to get back home to Mommy!!
Thank You everyone for your prayers and love. It truly means the world to me...sometimes when times are tough...it's hard to pray...and knowing that so many of you are interceding for me really really means so much!! I love each of you!!!

In His Grip~

My Love Letter from God!

2010-04-21T10:42:00.003-05:00

MY love letter from God:

To My Dearest BRIDE of Christ:

You are My crown jewel... i know there are many times your don't feel like You are royalty,
my beloved, but you are!!!!
How you feel does not define who you are....
You are My treasure and the love of My life....
everyday your feelings may change , but Mine never will.
Nothing can take away your royal position, for it is seaaled by MY blood. Now walk in your true identity and never doubt again that you are MY CHOSEN one to reign for such a time as this, as My princess bride

Love, Your prince
who choose you

" but You are a choosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light " 1peter 2:9

Love Remains The Same

2010-04-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

Today, I Can't Fight the Pain...

2010-04-11T13:56:00.002-05:00

I know that there are people who tire of the pain that beats in my heart every day. They tire of hearing the hurt. I can't apologize any longer for not being able to hold it in. It's something I feel every day.

This precious boy, the only nephew I've known, will forever live in my heart. There is nothing or anything that can take his place.

I feel like a pile of crap for crying on the days I don't have my kids. I shouldn't. They are still here. They still come home to mommy. Major, though in a MUCH MUCH better place, we all, every person in our family, misses him and wants him here. Holiday's aren't the same. Family gatherings aren't the same. Our lives will never be the same.

Major, I miss you. I know you are in heaven, a place far better than the cold of this world. A place where you will never know pain or hurt and for that I am glad. This world can be a terrible place....but if you were here, I know that we would all do everything we could to shelter you from the world. There is so much love in my heart that I never got to give to you. There are so many hugs and kisses that I never got to love you with. AS I look through these pictures that honor your life, I see you in Kory's clothes. Clothes that I held on to so that you could wear them...still to this day, I can't give Kory's clothes away...they remain in a box for no one is precious enough to have them to other than you. It's silly, I know...but I get so much joy from passing these things down to you and your sisters. There isn't enough money in the world to take place of being blessed to give them to you. I love you buddy!! I always will!!!!

I hate today...and no one understands...

When You Get Into a Tight Place.....

2010-04-06T11:08:00.003-05:00

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,

till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer,

never give up then,

for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn...

God will show up,

that is the appointed time He has set,

as long as you have stayed in faith believing."

Angel ~ Sara McLaughlin

2010-04-04T16:47:00.003-05:00

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

I Can't Say Goodbye.....

2010-03-28T13:10:00.007-05:00

It was a GREAT week with the kids.

But, today, they are back with Daren at Grandma's house.

I feel like the air has been sucked out of my lungs and my heart's pain is beyond expressing. They are my life...when you become a mom, those precious lives become a part of the fabric of your being.

They are in essence, an extension of who you are....they define a great deal of your life.

It's the most wonderful thing you could ever feel!

I miss you sweet babies....

My heart will not be at ease until you are back home with mommy!

I love you beyond words...

It was a fun and exciting week with you...

playing, running, laughing, tickles, grins and pure joy!!

God, I ask you put a hedge of protection around them,

Hold them in Your wings and cover them with Your grace.

Here are a few precious pictures of our week....

OH I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADY!!!!

In His Grip ~ Covered by His wings ~ Walking by His strength!!
All my love forever.....

A Strong Woman

2010-03-22T09:25:00.003-05:00

A Strong Woman

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape

....but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...but a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings, and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

~Author Unknown

I have come to realize that physically I am strong...but I want to be a woman of strength whose faith, hope, and joy grows deeper by her walk every day! Have a great week sweet friends!!!

In His Grip!!

Christmas Posted at Easter....

2010-03-20T11:22:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that Easter is just around the corner and I am just now posting our pictures from Christmas and Kory and Lillian's birthday!!! Both, of course, in December!!!

Life has been so busy...crazy...difficult...fun...just all over the place!!

The kids and I are getting settled in our new home. Daren and I have "joint" custody of the kids right now which has resulted in 7 days with me then 7 days with him....and it has been the most challenging thing to "get used to"....and I'm not sure I ever will.

When you have a child, they become a part of the fiber of who you are...kind of like a limb (arm or leg)...and when they aren't here, I just lack in ability to function. They are my world and my life and I long to see them to have them here.

I can't go into detail of what is going on...but prayers are still being requested and valued in deep appreciation!! It's been a long 6 months...I am tired and worn down emotionally ~ I miss my kids!!! More than any words could express in accurate detail...

So, anyway, I hope that everyone is doing great!! Enjoy the "few" pictures that I posted!!! It was so hard to pick from the 250 I had and narrow it down...it was a great time with my brother and his family...my sister in law is AMAZING!! Their kids...like my own! Miss them and hope they come back soon!!!

Love to all!

Click here to view these pictures larger

P.S. If you have trouble viewing the album, you can click the "Click here to view these pictures larger" link and it should take you to them.... :0)

On A Lighter Note.....

2010-03-15T12:52:00.012-05:00

Hello sweet friends and those of you who have "stumbled" upon the ramblings of our family life.

I realize that many of my recent post have been heavy hearted and deep. I realize that there are a lot of great things that also happen during our day and am going to try and share more of them on this blog and limit the trials.

This one is precious!

Last Wednesday night, the kids and I loaded up and headed to our Life Group. (Life Group is about 15 families that meet on Wednesday nights from our church here in Norman ~ Antioch Church) This group is awesome and the way that you go as a family is amazing. We start out with everyone, adults and kids, all gathered in the living room of Angie and Jade's home. We all listen to a story that is geared towards the understanding for the kids, though I've learned some great things through the simplicity of these basic fundamental stories of God and His faithful character.

After story time, we have praise and worship time with the kids as well. All the songs have hand/body movements that go along with them. Ashley was ALL into it!! Bouncing around and trying her best to keep up with the motions of the kids who were a bit older. Then, they ask the kids if any of them want to close our family time in prayer. (this is where my eyes fill with tears of joy) Kory raised his hand with such enthusiasm and said "I do! I do!". He walked into the middle of the circle, folded his hands bowed his head and prayed for his friends, family, and food. Ashely was right behind him doing the same thing. (Megan was a little clingy that night and stayed glued to me....but I know her bubbly personality will shine through as soon as she fills comfortable) Mind you, there were about 15 kids and a ton of parents. I was, and still am, so proud of his willingness to get up in front of all those people and pray a prayer that truly came from his heart!

Some times I wonder if when we pray at lunch and dinner if I've done a good job in teaching them what prayer is. Well, I really believe that they are starting to comprehend God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Recently we've started to turn the TV off and listen to music while we play. They love it when we jump around and dance to the music. It's those seemingly small things that we can take for granted that really embed in their souls.

I'm so proud to have them as my babies. I'm humbled that God believes in me that I can handle raising these three kids. He walks with me every day....and when I grow weary...I can jump in His arms and He gives me the inspiration and energy to carry through the rest of the day!!

I love you Lord! Thank you for the Holy Spirit that dwells within the heart of my children!

Monkey loves working her way into any container, box, or tote...

Little "M" enjoyed rolling Monkey around the yard.....
Little "M" tried it...but gave up....she is so funny!
Special snack time on the porch! Giggles and giggles!! I love it!!
Adorning her new "mask" and using her "super powers" that at times.... need to be controled! :0)
My little man protecting his race track from "Batman"
Ah! Finally playing together....LOUDLY ON THE KEYBOARD!! (special thank you to Casey and Danielle Bookout for their generous gift of music!!) Love you guys! :0)
My little man doing what he does best.... playing with his trains!!
And Mommy....still trying to smile...my babies are such joy in my life...even though they've given me wrinkes and gray hair!!! lol! :0)
Would you EVER believe they are twins??????? I still wonder at times..... night and day... oil and water.... but passionate about life!!
So.....our life might be crazy...parts of it might not make sense....but I love it...and I love them....and I'm thankful for all that they bring in my life!!!! To my Life Group who has embraced us and supported us....my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for all that you have done and continue to do. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

In His Eternal Grip ~

The Whole Armor of God....

2010-03-14T12:24:00.003-05:00

Recently, the Scripture that I am about to share from Ephesians 6, has been my anthem of protection from the world and its ways. I've been made so aware of the Spiritual warfare that is going on. It's almost palpable as Daren and I travel down this dark path. (please note: I'm not directing this at Daren nor am I making ANY implications that he has anything to do with what I am writing about)

This journey over the past 11 months since he lost his job due to the economy has opened the door for satan to come in and try to destroy that in which God created, reunited, and transformed. Looking back, I am disappointed in myself for my lack of putting on the whole armor of God during this battle which resulted in small areas for the devil to come in and start his path of destruction. Slowly pulling me away from the truth of God's word and eating away at my faith and hope.

Today, I declare, in the Name of Jesus, that I will daily place this armor on. That I will fight the good fight and will walk in the faith and grace that God has so mercifully given me to obtain. I know I must have grieved His heart as He watched me allow the dark thoughts to creep into my mind and heart and influence my direction and attitude.

Paul, in Ephesians 6:10-20, writes this:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,
20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

So I ask for your prayers that I may walk in the armor of God and that a hedge of protection be placed around the hearts and minds of Daren and our children. That any and all outside evil be rebuked so that God's perfect will shall be carried out and seen to its fullness and goodness.

In His Grip~

Sit With You Awhile ~

2010-03-12T18:35:00.003-06:00

Ah! When do the tough days end? Lord, I long to feel Your arms around me ~ protecting me, giving me peace, keeping me warm in a world that has grown so cold. God, give my little one's a hug from me right now...touch their hearts and minds with a revelation knowledge that I love them so much!!

Forever, In The Grip of Your Grace~

"I Will Rise" ~ Chris Tomlin

2010-03-06T20:42:00.002-06:00

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

My Awesome Creative Mom!

2010-03-06T09:35:00.005-06:00

Friday ~ Friday my mom came down from OKC to spend the day with me and to bring the new bedding, curtains, and decorations she made for the girls room. It is truly beautiful!!

There room had been pink and green since they were born...but their little wild personalities just didn't fit the girly girl decor that had been theirs for the last 2 1/2 years....(can't believe it's been that long....)

So, I thought I would share a few of the pictures from Nana's creations!!! I hope you enjoy!!

Mom, thank you so much for all the hard work and effort you put into doing this. I could never have done it without you!! I truly truly appreciate this amazing gift!! I can't wait for my monkey's to get home and see their new jungle!!! I love you!!!

That's What Faith Can Do

2010-03-06T08:39:00.002-06:00

Music. Music is more than instruments and voices filling up an empty room.

Music is lyrics...words from the heart and soul...songs of lament or songs of praise.

Music can bring healing to a hurting aching heart.

Music can give you words to praise how faithful God is when you reach the peak of a mountain that you've traveled on for such a long time.

Music can give you stamina to keep placing one foot in front of the other when you want to crumble and give up.

But, with that said, It's music that is based on the inerrant infallible Word of God that will keep you "keeping on".Based on Truth. I love music. I love all kinds of music...but I find that the music which I stay grounded in, my "Christian" music, is what fills my heart, mind, and spirit with that which is true about this life. The music that God gives so many amazing artist who soulfully and spiritually seek God out for their music to touch lives....those are the ones I love. Matthew West, Matt Redman, Kutless, Rush of Fools, Third Day....the list goes on...

This morning, I realized just how thankful I am for this life. God revealed something very personal and passionate to me this week about the Body of Christ and their love. How being involved in and fellowship with other believers is so vitally important in our walk with Him. Accountability, support, unconditional love, trust, faithfulness, integrity, loyalty in good times and in bad. They aren't perfect Christians...none of them claim to be. They each have their own story of their journey in Christ. But I love each and every one of them. I've never felt such an embrace from the Body of Christ as I did this week. And most important...they have a true unending passion for serving God in this community and around the world. Their love is endless and they are priceless!! True treasures and blessings!

I've had an exceptionally difficult two weeks just in my own heart...and there is a song that came on Thursday morning that I have now played over and over and over again. It reminds you of what faith in God can do. How when you place your faith in Him, the possibilities are endless.

He is the one true God and I dare not walk another step in this life that doesn't focus on Him and His faith. I am humbled that He stands by me...that He cares so much to bring people and music into my life that truly change my direction...carry me...and are so humble in all things.

To my Life Group at Antioch Church here in Norman...and to Chris and Julie Bennett (our pastor & his wife)...I want to thank you. I can't find the exact words to pen the emotion and love that you have helped me find again in Him!!! Thank you!!

So, with that being said...here is a song by Kutless ~ That's What Faith Can Do...

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

In His Grip!

Save A Place For Me ~ Matthew West

2010-03-03T17:05:00.000-06:00

Save A Place For Me

2010-03-03T13:54:00.000-06:00

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Fingerprints

2010-03-01T18:39:00.001-06:00

"Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch"

Abounding In Love

2010-02-26T12:06:00.001-06:00

"The love of God, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. This love NEVER fails" 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Why is love so important? Because love is the only spiritual muscle that motivates us to do the right things, in the right way, for the right reasons, and at the right times. God's love "is the fulfillment of the law" (Romans 13:10 NIV) - it is the accomplisher of the righteousness and holiness. Faith, in fact, works by love. It is the mark of the Christian life that is to set us apart from those in the world~as the song says, "They shall know we are Christians by our love." It is the sign of spiritual exuberance as opposed to inner deficiencies or a life crippled by deep personal hurts. It is also the VINE from which all the other fruit grow ~ "joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23)......

Love is the ONLY thing that moves us outside of ourselves to join with others or to help others. The need for this love is the magnetism that God uses to attract us-without it we feel the "God-sized hole" within us."

~excerpt from "Discover the Power in the Prayers of Paul" by David Borden

Abounding Love ~ overflowing without end ~ selfless in all things ~ works towards the good of others to build and add not to detract or tear down. We all could love more....love without conditions and selfish ambitions.... to love as God loves us.... to live as God lives in us.... to learn as God leads us....

In His Grip,

Please pray for My Little One

2010-02-18T22:08:00.003-06:00

Please pray for my littlest girl. She is in great struggle to breathe due to an upper resperitory infection and her asthma.

As a mommy, there is no pain greater than watching your baby struggle and wanting so much to help her.... Hold her and breathe for her to give her rest.

The twins journey from what seems the moment their lives began in the pregnancy and the months and years since have been so difficult. But, I am their mommy and I was there for every moment of their lives and I will fight til my own last breathe to provide love, nurture, and protection.

Please pray for all three kiddos. They're all sick and it's breaking my heart..,

During the weeks and months to come...please pray that the hearts of the children will be protected.

I've been blessed beyond words to have the love and support of some dear friends.... Thank you for standing by me.

Pieces of Joy & Sadness

2010-02-01T22:00:00.003-06:00

Joy and sadness.

How can one heart feel so full of both? I don't know, but that is where I find myself. Broken pieces of what "was" glued together to embrace what "is".

JOY!!! My sweet babies come home tomorrow! I can not wait to see them...to tackle them with love and laughter and to fill this house back up with the sounds of their precious voices!!!

SADNESS!!! It is so difficult on the days they aren't here. It's not "life", it's just survival...filling time up with stuff so that the pain of their absence is lessened. So the quiet ~ well, it's just not "quiet".

These past four days have been more difficult. More things in life going on and not really in the direction that I want them to. I'm learning more and more about people and this life around me. Who I can trust and who I can't....and those still in question. I've realized that some people don't take you at your word and honor your feelings...and that hurts. I feel like slowly I'm putting bricks up that are forming a wall around my heart. To me, right now, that's fine. My heart is full and 100% for my babies. I just don't want to become jaded or hardened towards others during this season of life.

When friends betray you, use you for their gain, I feel the hurt in my heart. My life is not a soap-opera...it's not for people to poke fun at and take lightly. I'm at a terribly hurtful place in life right now. A place I didn't ask to be at, but again, find myself standing in wonder at what is taking place. I hate it. I hate it so much!!

I hate the hurt ~ I hate the loneliness ~ I hate the choice that's been made for me to be where I am at.

I have to find a way to embrace this new life. I have to stop the worry about what tomorrow might bring. I have to take the pieces of joy and sadness and hand them over to God so that something truly beautiful comes out of this and trust Him fully that He is in control.

In His Grip~

"Shattered Dreams" ~ Larry Crabb

2010-01-26T01:09:00.004-06:00

"A Hell of Mercy" ~ Chapter 13

"God's restraint has a purpose. When He appears to be doing nothing, He is doing something we've not yet learned to value and therefore cannot see. Only in the agony of what we seem to see as the absence of His presence, will we relax our determined grip of our empty selves enough to appreciate His purposes.

He could do something.Yet He does nothing, at least not what we ask Him to do. Why? To deepen our desire for HIS Presence, to strengthen our passion to PURSUE HIM, to help us see how preoccupied we are with filling our God-shaped souls with something less than God.

Only when we want Him as we want nothing else will there develop in our hearts a space large enough for Him to fill. Because He longs to fill us, He hides His face long enough for us to discover how fervently and exclusively we want Him. When our discovery creates a secret space that nothing else can fill, and when we KNOW that to be TRUE, He enters.

Through pain of shattered dreams, God is awakening us to the possibility of infinite pleasure. That is the nature of our journey; it's what the Spirit is doing. When we understand THAT, we'll define "doing well" on this journey very differently than before......"

In His Perfect Peace

2010-01-07T19:21:00.007-06:00

Isaiah 26:3
“You will keep him in PERFECT peace

whose mind is STAYED on YOU,

because he trusts YOU”

Perfect peace. A place I strive to arrive at. Perfect peace, peace that the wicked can not steal nor will ever know without a true and full knowledge of who God is and what His Scriptures teach about walking a life with Him. I've learned to live in the day where I am not moved by situations, circumstances, and people around me. I long for the day where the negative of this world is one thing that I can pray about and one thing less that influences my attitude or spirit.

In the valley, it can be so overwhelming to keep that perfect peace. Today, all I could do is look towards Heaven and pray, continually, and He instilled within me His perfect peace. When my mind would float back to all the “if’s, and’s, or but’s” I would immediately feel my spirit within me grow weary and peace drift away. But, when staying in HIS presence, peace can't be stolen.

This journey in the valley right now is going to be shortened. I’m going to make a detour to the top by keeping my focus on Him. Following His lead and moving to the beat of His heart and not my own.

Sure, many will question me and accuse me. I would love to follow that statement with “I really don’t care”, but that is a lie. I do care. For out of my mouth comes truth. I haven’t always lived this way, but for a while now, I have, and trust me, it’s a much better way of life. Since 2004, I can honestly say that I have tried my best to seek the Lord. I have changed many of my ways. Sure, the devil in his scheming has tried relentlessly to sidetrack me with various situations. I may have stumbled on some of them, but I did not fall out of the grip of my Saviors Grace! He forever held me in those times tightly to His chest as any parent would do for a child in pain ~ physically or emotionally.

I am far from perfect. I’m not perfect in anything. But my desire is to grow more and more into His likeness daily. With my words, actions, and deeds.

Today, God opened a door and I will never ever forget it. I have found a home for the kids and I to live in so we can be a family. The application has been submitted and I am waiting on approval from the owners. The property management office should call tomorrow (Friday) afternoon to let me know. Your prayers for approval and favor would be MUCH appreciated!!!

Is it a palace? No. Is it in a bad area? No. It’s perfect. It’s just what I need to provide for my kids. The girls have their own room, Kory has his room, and Mommy has her room.

So, with heaviness in my heart, but peace in my mind, I will know that I did all I can during this 10 month adventure since Daren lost his job due to the economy.

I am going to take some courses from the local vo-tech to get my medical coding certificate, which prayerfully, will allow me to work from home down the road. In the mean time, I will find a job to provide the needs of my family!

I can’t sit and wait, nor do I believe in my heart, mind, or body, that God wants me to sit and wait for Him to drop something in my lap. There are times in life that I believe He does that, but He does that to those that exercise their will to follow Him and live according to His word.

I pray that my children will not be torn over any of this. I pray that they will see their home with me and their home at Grandma Gayle’s with Daddy as safe loving homes that desire the best for them. I can’t wait to get in there and decorate and put our home together and make it OVERFLOWING with God’s love, PEACE, & joy!!! It’s been so long.

There are many people that have (& continue to) prayed for me & help me get to where I am today….and to merely say thank you seems too simple. My deepest gratitude to each and every one of you who have shown support through prayer, words of uplifting encouragement, and financial support. I would not be here today had you not followed the promptings of the Holy Spirit to take time to call, write, pray, email….the list goes on and on.

I pray abundant, OVERFLOWING, blessings out of the hands of God to you and your families. May a hedge of protection be over you in all things in all ways. I love you; yes love you, each and every one!! Your part in our story will be known to each of the children by letters I have tucked away for them to read in the future. I want them to see mommy’s heart during this should anything happen where the Lord calls me home before they are old enough to understand themselves. They mean the world to me.

Dear Lord, I love you and lift Your Name in praise…for in You, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My gaze will forever be upon the cross and may I kneel there and seek you daily. I am so undeserving of Your endless love…but accept it and value it as a pirate finds lost treasure! Thank You for being there for me after all these years and for loving me. I can’t wait to get deep in Your word and study more of who You are so that one day, I can share with others on a higher platform of Your love and grace!! You are awesome!!!

Your Daughter!
Kristi

Someday

2010-01-07T09:45:00.001-06:00

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

I Was Here

2010-01-02T20:44:00.001-06:00

You will notice me
I'll be leavin' my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree
you wait and see
maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
maybe I'll paint like Van Gough,
cure the common cold
i don't know but I'm ready to start cuz i know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do somethin better, with the time i've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

I will prove you wrong
if you think im all talk, your in for a shock
cuz this streams too strong, and before too long
maybe i'll compose symphonies
maybe i'll fight for world peace
cuz i know it's my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this
place

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do somethin better, with the time i've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

And i know that i, i will do more than just pass through this life
i'll leave nothin less that somethin that says i was here, i was here, i
was here, i was here

Wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says i was here
wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says i was here, i was here

"Bring The Rain"

2009-12-29T00:00:00.001-06:00

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

[1st Chorus]

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

[2nd Chorus 2x]

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

[2nd Chorus 2x]

And It Was....

2009-12-27T20:40:00.003-06:00

It was a good Christmas! I can't say "great" because, well, the obvious. Daren and I are still not together.

I found myself flipping through last year (2008) Christmas pictures. We stayed home in Tyler as a family. It was wonderful. It was a Christmas I will always cherish!! In 2007, the girls were 4 months old and Megan was admitted Christmas day to the hospital for RSV. So, that was a difficult Christmas.

I don't understand what's going on to be perfectly honest. Idon't know why Daren chose to stay with his mom, her sister, and his cousins, over being with the kids and I at my parents home. I want to understand, but I don't.

Today was no different when I dropped the kids off.

They had been playing in the snow earlier in the day and their coats and shoes were really wet from that. So, I put dry clothes and socks on them and loaded them up to take them to Daren for his four days. I got Ashley out of the car first and made the long trek up to the door and rang the door bell. His Aunt Paula answered the door, realized who it was, then shut it in my face. Classy. If it had just been me, I would think I could understand (or at least tolerate it a little better), but I was holding a child...a two year old none the less.

This all goes in line with my concern towards what they are exposed to as far as attitudes and words spoken in ill will against me when there. It hurts. It's painful to hear your children repeat words that they have heard about you.

I've done all that I can do. I am just heart broken over this.... But, I know that God is my strength. He is the person that will heal this broken heart and restore my soul.

Until then, four days "on", four days "off"...but I don't ever consider time away from them as "off" ~ because they are in my heart 24/7 and on my mind. Not a second goes by that my arms don't long for them to be with me. When they're gone....a part of me is gone with them.

My Babies....

2009-12-23T13:14:00.003-06:00

I am getting the kids back today at 4:00!! I know it's not a huge post...but I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! It will be four days of paper, presents, giggles, kisses, hugs, lovin, and sweet Christmas memories!!

Next week, one of my dearest and closest friends, Debe, will be at Broken Bow Lake in Southeastern Oklahoma!!!! I'm so excited to go visit them for a couple of days! Their marriage has been through a lot too. They also, like Daren and I, had been previously married to each other and then got back together and remarried. They are God loving/serving people. Debe was my OB's nurse in Tyler and a continual gift in my life and the life of our children!!! I can't wait to see you Debe!!! I love and miss you all so much!!!!

Christmas pictures later this week!!! I'll try to hold back and publish just the minimum ~ but those of you who know me... know that is difficult for me... so just indulge me.

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!!! If you would like the Christmas card picture of the kids, leave a comment on this post with your address and I will get them mailed out! Late, I know...but better late then never???

In His Grip!

~ From Our Family To Yours ~ Merry Christmas! ~

2009-12-22T20:44:00.000-06:00

Light Your World

2009-12-22T14:48:00.002-06:00

Two doors down one rocking chair is rocking
She sits there all alone, her husband dead and gone
The best years of her life they spent together
He was always strong, but now she's on her own
And the telephone never rings
No one laughs, no one sings
It's quiet there
Does anyone care?

(Chorus) Light your world
Let the love of God shine through
In the little things you do
Light your world
And though your light may be
Reaching only two or three
Light your world

A knocking at her door breaks the silence
She looks out to see a little boy from down the street
She cracks the door, surprised that he came over
Flowers in his hand like a little gentleman
He said, 'I picked these just for you
I hope you like the color blue
Could I stay a while
I love to see you smile.'

(Repeat Chorus) Light your world
Let the love of God shine through
In the little things you do
Light your world
And though your light may be
Reaching only two or three
Light your world

It only takes a little time
To show someone how much you care
It only takes a little time
To answer someone's biggest prayer

(Repeat Chorus)

Our Faithful God ~ Billy Graham

2009-12-22T11:29:00.009-06:00

The amazing Billy Graham wrote a short note in a book I recently picked up regarding our prayers and God's answers to them ~ excerpt from "God's Love For You ~ Hope & Encouragement For Life" ~

"One of the most frequent questions people ask me concerns unanswered prayers. "God must be deaf," someone bluntly wrote me. "My prayers never get above the ceiling," another wrote. But GOD knows what is best for us, and we need to LEARN to TRUST HIM for the outcome. Sometimes God answers "Yes" when we ask Him for something. But sometimes His answer is "Not Yet", or even "No". And sometimes His answer is simply, "TRUST ME, EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND".'

"Ruth's father, Dr. Bell, always kept a list of people for whom he was praying. After his death Ruth found one of his prayer lists ("Mostly illegible", she commented; "you know how doctors write") On it was a specific concern about one of our children. Not until five years AFTER his death was that prayer answered ~ a VIVID reminder of God's faithfulness in answering prayer according to HIS TIMETABLE, not ours"

(emphasis in above excerpt is mine)

I have a myriad of stories from my own life's journey where God has indeed answered prayers according to His timetable. When I was 23 weeks along with the twins pregnancy and one of the twins was diagnosed with having a dilated ventricle in her brain and water/blood on her brain ~ we prayed and prayed!! Upon their arrival, which was a heart wrenching 9 weeks early, the situation in her brain increased in severity. While in the NICU in Plano, Texas we were counseled by different therapist on Little "M"'s condition that would more than likely lead to cerebral palsy and her not being able to walk or talk.

Three months after they came home, we returned to Presbyterian Hospital in Plano Texas for a follow up scan on her little brain ~ a long 2 hour drive from where we were living at the time in Tyler. The drive there was painful to my heart. My sweet Little "M" did not respond like her twin to stimulation. She had the "lights out" look on her precious face since birth...a blank stare.

As we drove home, I found myself asking God "Why my baby"? We almost lost her twice in the NICU. Once we were told that we could lose her in the next 24 hours due to Necrotizing Entercolitis ~ a very serious and often deadly condition that preemies get. God answered our prayers and saved her life!!

As we continued our drive home we came upon a HORRIBLE storm. The sky turned black, the winds began to blow, blinding rain and hail the size of golf balls started to pummel the van. Just then the phone rang and it was Dr. Barret, our pediatrician in Tyler. The radiologist had called him with the results. They were amazed almost to the point of questioning if they had scanned the right twin. The dilation in her brain returned to normal and all traces of blood and water had resolved!!! It was/is a miracle.

SEVEN months....SEVEN LONG MONTHS after her diagnosis...God healed her. Today, she is a walking talking running joy filled two year old who seems to know the blessing God bestowed upon her and her precious life.

I want to remind them, as well as myself, that God hears our every prayer. He will carry each and every one of us through the valley. The Lord is our Shepherd!

~ Psalm 23 ~

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

God loves me. God loves you! We are HIS children. As parents, which one of us would not provide the absolute BEST for our children ~ would we settle to provide for them less? God wouldn't either and though in the valley it can be hard to remember that....together we can encourage each other.

I love each and every one of you!!

In His Grip!!!!

The Life I Planned

2009-12-21T17:00:00.002-06:00

The Life I Planned
By ~ Beth Moore~ “Things Pondered”

Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems to be misplaced
I’ve looked in every corner
It’s lost without a trace.

I’ve found one I don’t recognize
Things missing that were dear.
Promises I’d hoped to keep
And dreams I’d dreamed aren’t here.

Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent from the pictures
Not the way I told.

Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard Him say

“Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you could dream.

“You long to walk by sight
But I’m teaching eyes to see.
I know what I am doing
Till then, you must believe.”

He’s done so much, I feel ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I’d trade in all He’s done
For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness
And how He’d proved Himself
How He’d gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,

“No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans You have for me
Are more than I could dream.

“Yes, I long to walk by sight
But You’re teaching eyes to see
You know what You are doing
Till then I must believe.”

I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed to me my gains.

I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.

I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the One
Who will not let me fall.

Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans He has for you
Are more than you could dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He’s teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.

“No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love HIM.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

A Special Week Wtih My Favorite People~

2009-12-20T12:54:00.007-06:00

The Birthday Party for Lillian and my little man at Hide-A-Way!!

We appeared to have taken over the back 2/3 of the place!

My Little Man ~ The Birthday Boy!!

I can hardly believe you are 4!!!!

I know it's been a tough year...but always know how much mommy

loves, LOVES, loves, YOU!!!

Let's see....long story...short...

The candles were lit twice....we missed the photo op the first round due to

VERY excited wishing!

Me and the girls!!!

Oh Noel...how my heart was changed the first moment I got to hold you!! I can't believe how precious you are!!! You mean the world to me and I can't wait to have fun!!! I love you precious baby girl!!!

My 4 Precious Nieces!!!!
My Brother ~ Dave (acting...well, like Dave!!! lol) and His PRECIOUS Wife Darcy!!

Their love is an inspiration!!!

Aunt Darcy Reading to The Girls!

Ah!! My Little Tom Boy~!!

My "Big Brother" Dave ~ Noel ~ & Aunt Kristi

We all loaded up for a trip to see Great, Great Aunt Marie ~Nana Joyce (my mother) baked cookies, the girls decorated, we went and sang. Marie has Alzheimer ~ It was like we never even met....
Pure CHAOS!!! All 7 had a ball together!!! (missing those not with us all the while ~ but rejoicing that they are all in Heaven playing together....my 4 and precious Major!)
Dave and Noel

Darcy is my role model and mentor...she is a precious gift in my life and I'm forever thankful for the blessing and continual gift she is to me!!!
Aunt Kristi & Marin!
Ah!!! The excitement of a little one ~ my girls were amazed by Noel!!
ABC Family had a ton of Christmas Classics on.... they all watched in wonder ~ we parents got to breathe!! :0)
Marin, Noel, and my Giggles!!

I Loved You Then

2009-12-19T11:24:00.000-06:00

Pain touches everyone
Heartache falls on every heart
And all of us go through the storm
It doesn't matter who you are
And you're up against the wind
And you feel you've just lost your way
Listen to me say...

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, I loved you then

Time changes everything
Moments fly by like the wind
You can try to hold on so tight
But you'll never get time back again
You feel stuck with your mistakes
Can't turn anything around
And it seems there's no way out

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, I loved you then

I won't let you go, not even for a minute
So don't lose hope
Pain touches everyone
Heartache falls on every heart

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, Before this day ever began,
I loved you then, I loved you then

If They Only Knew

2009-12-19T11:20:00.001-06:00

If they only knew, would they act differently? Would their love extend and would they welcome with open arms the very one they cast out of their lives?

The Christmas Shoes

2009-12-19T10:57:00.002-06:00

it was almost christmas time, there
i stood in another line
tryin' to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the christmas mood
standing right in front of me was a
little boy waiting anxiously
pacing ‘round like little boys do
and in his hands he held a pair of shoes
his clothes were worn and old, he was
dirty from head to toe
and when it came his time to pay
i couldn't believe what i heard him say

chorus:
sir, i want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
it's christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
you see mom's been sick for quite a while
and i know these shoes would make her smile
and i want her to look beautiful if mama meets jesus tonight

he counted pennies for what seemed like years
then the cashier said, son, there's not enough here
he searched his pockets frantically
then he turned and he looked at me
he said mama made christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without
tell me sir what am i going to do,
somehow i've got to buy her these christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

chorus

bridge:
i knew i'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
as he thanked me and ran out
i knew that god had sent that little boy
to remind me just what christmas is all about

chorus

Prayer for Lindsey & Link to Her Blog

2009-12-18T20:02:00.006-06:00

Clicking on the above picture will introduce you to Lindsey. Her sister, Ashley Poston Nelson, was our pediatrician's nurse in Tyler and a truly sweet woman of God. Lindsey's cancer has come back and I truly feel the urge and direction from God to share this with you and ask you to pray for her and her sweet family.

I still don't know why things like this happen, but I do know (more and more every day) about the God that I love and serve. He will never leave us or fore sake us~He is with us always~til the very end of our days. Her faith has encouraged me to strengthen my own faith regarding issues in my life.

In the quiet of days recently, I began to wonder where God was. If I am pursing Him and seeking His will, why aren't things changing for the better? But, I came to realize as I looked over the past few years, that there are a number of seasons in life where I have not obtained an answer from Him as to His reasoning's for allowing such things to happen. Most of those difficult seasons have passed and gone ~ but HE still remains. Ever loving ~ Ever compassionate ~ and NEVER abandoning.

"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; we are perplexed, but NOT in despair." 2 Corinthians 4:8

NOT in despair. His word promises us the He will be with us and we will not be crushed. I know the weight of this world can seem so heavy at times that it's hard to lift a foot or take a breath, but it's at that moment He is beckoning to us to come to Him for shelter and refuge from the storms of life here on earth. One day, there will come a day where there will be no more pain or suffering ~ no more tears ~ Knowing God as our personal Savior, He PROMISES us that! It's a gift that is ours for the taking ~ reach out and hold on. If I can, YOU can. We can walk through the valley's together and rejoice in numbers on the mountain tops! One day, sorrow and suffering will never touch us again ~ and for me, that is hope.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He WILL wipe away EVERY tear from their eyes. There will be NO more death or mourning or CRYING IN PAIN, for the old order of things has passed away'"

Revelation 21:3-4

God promises us that in Christ, we have hope. HOPE today ~ May those who stumble upon this blog know You Lord. May Your Hand touch their lives ~those in the midst of a difficult journey and those supporting them. May they feel the hope that comes with a peace that surpasses all understanding. May they come to You openly with their tears, with their pain ~ and in You, I pray God, they will find Your perfect will being written in the fabric of their lives. God bless each and every person as we all join to celebrate Jesus' birthday. Thank You for the gift of Your Son!!

In His Grip~

Pictures from Kristi

2009-12-14T21:01:00.001-06:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Save A Place For Me

2009-12-14T20:23:00.002-06:00

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your
shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question
why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with
every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be
there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace
for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most
of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just
like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there
soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

Considering A Change

2009-12-12T16:03:00.005-06:00

Dearest Family & Friends~

Recently, we have discovered that my little man, our 3 year old, has Sensory Processing Disorder.

This has required me to change my thinking on a few things. Possibly shifting the focus of this blog, or creating another one all together, to share our journey through this.

There are a lot of kids who are diagnosed with ADHD when in reality it is Sensory Processing Disorder.

Here are a few definitions that I found on various websites, including some symptoms, that will help those of you who do not know about this, to understand it, and maybe accept children with this disorder with a little more understanding that, they aren't really acting out, they are missing a "link" that helps them process the activities in their environment in a healthy way.

SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER:

Sensory integration is a normal, neurological, developmental process which begins in the womb and continues throughout one’s life. Although, it is important to note, the most influential developmental time is in the first seven years of life. Sensory processing is the process by which our brain takes in sensory input and interprets this information for use. ( http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-dysfunction-symptoms.html )

There are three things that MUST be clear to you and I want to make sure you understand them...

First, a Sensory Integration Disorder is a neurological disorder; not a spoiled child, a product of bad parenting, ADD, ADHD, defiant child or a mental illness! Although, it is important to note, any of these could co-exist with a sensory processing disorder.

Second, we are talking about reactions to specific sensory input. It is about how this input is taken in, organized, and utilized to interpret one's environment and make the body ready to learn, move, regulate energy levels and emotions, interact, and develop properly.

And third, when sensory integration dysfunction symptoms appear, the must be taken seriously as early as possible and treated properly by a knowledgeable professional!
( http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-dysfunction-symptoms2.html )

As a mom, I was baffled at some of his actions. His aggressive behavior at school. The way he would cover his ears at the sound of loud noises or the anticipation of them. His lack of looking at you in the eyes upon repetitive asking him to when trying to communicate with him.

Glances we'd get from family, friends, and strangers at the store really made me question what I was doing wrong. I couldn't figure out where my loving little boy had gone...the one who loved all people and treated them with such an unconditional love.

I've realized, he hasn't gone anywhere. As he gets older, he is learning more about communicating his emotions, and since he has difficulty processing those emotions, he can't "correctly" share them and they come out in behavior that others deem "unacceptable".

Please pray for him, that God will work in his precious mind, body, and spirit. Please pray for wisdom for myself, that God would lead me to the right professionals to seek help and to the most accurate literature and support groups.

Our family is still separated. This doesn't help him at all. At Grandma Gayle's he is in one environment. Here at Melissa's, it's different. I don't have a cash flow in which to buy him everything he sees or wants. We need to be out of Melissa's by the 1st of the month ~ I don't know where we will go. So, please pray for that as well.

STRUCTURE, consistency, and routine are vitally important to a child with SPD (or you might see it called Sensory Integration Disorder ~ SID). I long, as a mother with unconditional love, to offer this to my children. They are everything to me and my love knows no ends for them!

In His Grip~

Eternity—Reclaiming A Passion For What Endures (Book) - Help For My Life

2009-12-10T23:42:00.001-06:00

Eternity—Reclaiming A Passion For What Endures (Book) - Help For My Life

Posted using ShareThis

Tears of Repentance

2009-12-10T09:30:00.001-06:00

When you sorrow over sin in your life, remember that God has provided a method of restoration. “If we confess our sins,” He will “forgive us” and “cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). — Cindy Hess Kasper

We’re thankful, Lord, that when we fall
We can begin anew
If humbly we confess our sin,
Then turn and follow You. —Sper

The way back to God begins with a broken heart

"He won't brush aside...."

2009-12-02T13:20:00.004-06:00

"He won't brush aside the bruised and the hurt and He won't disregard the small and insignificant, but He'll steadily and firmly set things right. He won't tire out and quit. he won't be stopped until He finished His work ~ to set things right on earth"

Isaiah 42:3-4

Silently I pray.

Daily.

Numerous times a day.

Some days all I can do is pray. For life right now is difficult, as many of you know. But running across this Scripture today was a special gift from God that spoke directly to my heart...."He WON'T brush aside the bruised and the hurt and He WON'T disregard the small and insignificant...." That was all I needed to know for this moment ~ for this day.

He won't leave me or forsake me.

Thank You Lord that You are always there, even when I don't "feel" it. Scripture like this make me aware that You are closer to me than what my earthly mind can comprehend....Thank You!

We've Got Cows!

2009-11-24T06:32:00.004-06:00

There are few of you that just know me that will find the validity of this story to be somewhat in question. But, then there are those of you that "know me, know me" and realize that something of this nature would only happen to me.

Monday, November 23, 2009. I've just dropped the girls off at my parents house in South Oklahoma City. My mom watches them on Monday's while Daren and I continue to seek marital counseling in Edmond, which again is North of Oklahoma City.

I'm heading North, minding my own business...decompressing from the hectic morning of getting out the door. Oh wait. It's noon. Did it really take all morning? Well, it felt like it anyway. On to the story.

I'm minding my own business,cruising along in the far left lane (that's where I choose to travel due to the tendency that people seem to lolly gag in any other lane and I am a mom on a mission with little time in my schedule for anyone under the speed limit at all.) In the far right lane there is a truck pulling a cattle trailer. (not a semi, just a regular truck) I notice out of the side of my vision, that something is moving. I look over that way and the trailer attached to the truck is swaying back and forth behind the truck in a crazy way. So, cautiously with my hands at 10 and 2, I watch to see what in the world is going on. Then, out pops a cow. (not a full grown cow, but not a calf, probably about a teenager in cow years ~ Whatever that is) He's not entirely out. Just his front paws, I mean legs and his head. I can see him trying to kick his feet that are still in the trailor.

I, who am about 6 car lengths behind the truck at least, and three lanes over start to try yelling at the dude that his cow is about to "hit the road", literally. As if the guy is going to hear me. I see the guy start to hit his breaks, but Bessie has already successfully removed herself from the moving vehicle and has now, really hit the road.

See, there are some things too strange and crazy that only happen to Kristi. There are a handful of people that will shake there heads while reading this and not question at all that this happened. Melissa, Shawna, Debe, Peggy, Mary, Ruby, Barbara. I just always happen upon the most odd situations.

Now, instead of going to therapy for coping skills in marriage, I was dealing with Bessie and why she decided to jump. That, I will never know. And, that is okay with me. So, I share this moment of silence for Bessie....

A Sweet Memory

2009-11-21T23:52:00.002-06:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Thank You Jan!

2009-11-21T21:25:00.009-06:00

I have another mother in law. I don't know why I haven't talked much about her. She is the quiet strength of the other side of Daren's family.

She has strength, beauty, and a loving heart. I was going through the twins keep sake box tonight and found an email that she sent to me in October 2007. It flooded my eyes with tears. I have now placed it on the door in my room here at Melissa's. I want to share with you a part that she wrote. Her loving words warmed my heart as if she was standing here holding me. I love you Jan. I love Clay (Daren's Dad) and Julie too. (Daren's sister).

Here is a small preview in the days that preceeded this event...You can always count on us for an amazing story of God's faithfulness!!

The phone rang and it was Daren's co-worker and dear friend Lee. His first words were "Kristi, Daren is in the ambulance. He is fine, but he has had a head injury". I feel to the floor as horrid thoughts of terror captured my mind and everything became dark. My emotions drove me to sobs. He went on to to say that a metal post "digger" he was using fell on his head and he passed out and that there was a cut on his head and blood. Lee is an amazing friend of ours and his kind patience with me as I cried and screamed and literally fell apart. I was struck with a thought that I might lose the man that I love. How would I raise our babies alone ~ he is such a huge partner in parenting!!

Since my mom was with me, I called Daren's Dad Clay and step mom Jan. Concern struck both of them to the degree that it did me. See, Daren's brother Robbie died in a car accident some years ago. I know their fear was that they were about to walk down that same road again and that thought can paralyze you.

Jan's email in the days following reads as follows: (thank you Jan)

So it's time for a grandma Cole story. I don't know if you ever met her but if you did, it was towards the end so you didn't get the full effect, but she was one of the strongest women that ever lived. she was extremely honest, forthright, and spoke her mind about things. Nobody or nothing could bet the best of her. She plowed through life with practicality and great spirit. She endured the depression, loss of employment, nursing parents and relatives through final illnesses, loss of a spouse and still had a vital spirit. She was a career woman when it wasn't the thing to do, she never expected to marry and married late in life when it was fashionable and became first time mother at the tender age of 44. She worked hard her entire life -even mowing her own lawn at age 90 in spite of our fussing at her. I'm telling you this because you'll be a Grandma Cole too someday. And tough times like you've faced and are facing will become a part of the family legend. I've been quite sure that it's been your tenacious spirit that got the girls here safely (Jan is the ONLY one who has said that and I hold it in my heart forever~Thank you Jan). And we'll look forward to their first birthday, their first day of school, their first loose tooth and their first prom dress! Kory will become pretty protective of them as he gets older. (Although I'm sure he will complain plenty along the way) I plan to be there when all three graduate college and move out into the world on their own. And we'll talk about what sacrifices you and Daren made to ensure their safe arrival and their bumpy beginning. And be grateful that those days are behind us. Your children will draw strength from those stories for times when they are struggling. And your strength today will inspire their strength int he future. It really does work that way! So hand in there! We're behind you all the way. You're doing a great job handling all that life has thrown at you.don't ever hesitate to call-I may act like a flake on the phone but I'll be listening with my ears and my heart.

Jan

I can't believe that after two years, I found this in their box. There were several others in their from her that flowed with great love and encouragement. Jan, I promised you a few years back, that I wouldn't put our children through a divorce. I remember the email but I can't find it. I know you were concerned because a child that you knew was going through that in his life and you saw the pain he lived and didn't want your grandchildren to go through that. I am not giving up. I am fighting for The Cole family ~ there is a great legacy to leave behind, but that legacy contains stories of the five of us and the three of you and Gayle as well.

Jan, you speak of Grandma Cole's great strength. I agree she endured great suffering and resistance. You though, I believe in my heart you are the strongest in our family and your legacy will always be the one of endurance through pain, loss, and very hard times. You not only are an amazing mother, you are an amazing woman whose strength I will always draw from. Thank you Jan for who you are in my life. I love you all so much ~

~ "Be Still" ~ STORYSIDE:B ~

2009-11-21T14:42:00.005-06:00

"Be Still". I am sooooo not good at being still. My friend Shawna says that she has seen me sit for more than 30 minutes ONE time in our 15 year friendship. Melissa, my best friend, almost has to force me to sit still.

Especially right now. Being still doesn't seem to be "productive" ... it doesn't seem to materialize anything into being. For example ~ getting our family back together under one roof. My friend on Facebook, David, brought something to my attention today (thank you David) that I do need to keep into perspective. Daren is in his "cave" right now. Men and women think and respond differently. Daren and I are no different. Daren is the silent one and I am the talker. (I know, hard to believe...ha ha...but true).

So today, my prayer is that I find peace and time to "Be Still" and know that God is near. To trust in Him during this season of unrest. And I pray that the skills we are learning in counseling will be easy to tap into when things get a little tense. The breathing skill is NOT easy to learn and apply naturally at the old age of 37. I want to teach my kids to breathe when things they get stressed so that it's not such an effort for them to regulate their thoughts and return to a calm state.

In His Grip~

An Update On Our Journey ~ Cole "Style"

2009-11-16T21:27:00.006-06:00

Ah!! Another long Monday. A good Monday, but long. Monday's are our counseling in Edmond (about 45 minutes from Norman). I go at 1:00 by myself. Daren meets me there at 4:00 where we are watching a DVD series called "Beyond Consequences" (www.beyondconsequences.com) for an hour. It's a great teaching tool for parents, BUT what is even greater is that the principles you learn about people in general encourage you to view relationships so different, and in my opinion, a better way. Anyway, I love it! Then we have counseling as a couple from 5:00 - 6:00. So, I'm running 100 mph from sunrise to sunset, which I do gladly for the sake of our marriage.

The days do get long though. I enjoy the break between my appointment and when Daren meets me there. It gives me a chance to find a quiet place/or park to "chew" on what she has shared with me. And then shift my thinking towards "us". Kathy is amazing!! She is patient and compassionate and loves us like I can't explain. Her office is such a safe place where sifting through emotions feels comfortable, where at other times in other offices, it didn't.

Right now I am working on some difficult things to process, but easy at the same time. It takes a conscience effort on my part to "re-wire" the thinking in my brain. God has been so faithful though and has blessed me with strength I didn't know I had to truly accomplish this through Him. None of us "like" to find the negative things about us, but being open to them to better your life and that of your family and marriage, makes it "do-able" and exciting at the same time. And sooooooo worth it!! I feel so sorry for those that are stuck in life, miserable & angry in everything and with everyone. I was there for soooo long and am just now stepping out to see the world in a new light.

THE STRESS MODEL (http://www.postinstitute.com/)

I have to share this "stress model" that we have been learning about over the past few weeks. It's amazingly simple that we make it difficult. (that might not make sense ~ I'm trying to say that we tend to think that in order for something to change or work, it has to accompany some difficult procedure or process)

* This simple formula is routinely applied to the most complex cases and situations for new insight and understanding*

~The Stress Model contends: All behavior arises from stress, and between the behavior and stress lie our two primary emotions ~ Love and Fear. It is through understanding our own emotional experience and that of others that we can calm the stress, which will result in diminishing the behavior.

~Only LOVING FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS WILL ARISE FROM THE EMOTION OF LOVE; such as joy, happiness, reciprocity, empathy, conscience, morality, responsibility, and the ability to deeply understand the experience of others.

~Only FEAR-BASED FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS WILL ARISE FROM THE EMOTION OF FEAR; such are anger, terror, rage, and aggression. We MUST understand that at the deepest core of these strong feelings, it is the PRESENCE OF FEAR that is driving the behavior RATHER THAN THE ANGER.

~Our PERCEPTION OF ANGER in others creates a FEAR REACTION within us which rapidly transforms to anger. When this occurs we are UNABLE TO TRULY SEE THE FEAR EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER!

With that being said, Daren and I have learned that our behavior or actions are dictating at all times the love or fear based emotion that has transpired as a result of stress. None of us can totally avoid stress. It's a part of our daily lives. But, stress, we have learned, doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's what you "do" with the stress that matters the most.

There are people in our lives right now who seem to thrive on stress, fear, and the negative behavior that results in that. It makes you look at them in a different light. Stress when not regulated leads to dysregulation. It changes our perspective ~ It clouds your thinking, keeps you from relationship, you live in a state of anger. That's a terrible place to find ourselves, but, when openly and honestly we face the fact that "dysregulated" is where we are, there are ways to move back to a regulated state (the calm in your heart that is within your window of tolerance~it's different for all of us)

He goes on to say that there are three things you can do when you find yourself with scattered irrational thoughts, anger, resentment, hurt, and others alike. It's so simple!

1) Just knowing that you are currently dysregulated makes you mindful. Awareness of it.

2) Breathe! 4-7-8 method; Inhale for 4 seconds through your nose, hold it for 7 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. Do this three times and you will begin to "feel" the shift back into "a more clear thinking".

3) Ask yourself "Honestly, why am I so stressed" (what is causing it, what is this really about) Putting it into perspective in the large scheme of life. If it's something that really stresses you and you can't regulate yourself with prayer and repetition to God, then seek Godly counsel. There is so much help out there and so many resources to draw from.

God longs that none of His children live in fear. Perfect love cast out fear. That which is not love, is fear.

So, as I rap this "post" up, I just want to say that this life is a journey. There will always be days that are less than perfect and people in our lives that are less than perfect, but I've found it's in the reaction to those days and people that can dictate so much of our lives when allowed.

I am thankful for all the love, prayers, and support that our friends and family has shown us. It's that hedge of protection that you have prayed over us that has kept the enemy from winning and to me, there is no "thank you" suitable to express in words. It's more than appreciated. The Scriptures, the FB notes, the emails, text messages, and phone calls...priceless and appreciated deeply!!

So, here we are. On our journey. Fighting for what is right and what is truth.

In His Grip~

THE PICTURE BELOW IS REAL LIFE...But, if it was perfect...what else would we strive for that really matters????

A Call to Anguish ~ David Wilkerson

2009-11-08T20:47:00.001-06:00

Another Sunday...

2009-11-08T20:03:00.006-06:00

Today was rather slow. Though my mind could not seem to stop and enjoy the quiet. I seem to struggle with that...what to do with the silence right now. Silence seems so final. Like a question mark at the end of a sentence.

Since our family is "dispersed" right now... nothing really "feels right". I know in my heart that I am doing all that I can and that I need to continue to step out in faith and trust God's control and timing and that He will always be with me... even when no one else is. Thank You Lord for that gracious gift and please help me to tune into You more.

I haven't heard from Daren or Gayle since my last post. I didn't really think I would. For "some reason" it seems as if they believe if they don't acknowledge my posts or phone calls or emails that I will just stop trying. Sorry, wrong. I will continue to pursue and endure. I'm stronger than I think they realize and have battled back from many a valley and though this one is deeper, I will press on and climb out WITH MY FAMILY...ALL FIVE OF US....

God brought me to a scripture that I've heard hundreds of times before, but now, in my life, it's reality is both chilling and reassuring.

"IF A HOUSE IS DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF, THE HOUSE CANNOT STAND" Mark 3:25

He also states this exact same principle in Matthew 12:25 AND Luke 11:17

For me, that is enough to know that reunion of our family is of the utmost importance as we seek God.

I am a woman, who has a heart. That heart has feelings and they have been hurt. They have been trampled on and run over again and again and again. But what I hope people see is that ~ God always brings me back to my feet... I will stand!

Our life might seem like a trip to the zoo... but I wouldn't trade one precious moment for anything less.

In His Grip!!!

A Lifetime of Love

2009-11-07T14:36:00.005-06:00

Precious. Life is so precious. How often do we look at just "life" and how blessed we are by those around us. Family. Friends. Precious. Each person bearing his or her own indelible mark on your heart.

The hard part about life at times, is that we don't get to chose the number of days that a loved one or friend is present and pouring into us in some way or another. What would you change if you knew today was your last day? What would you say if you knew you would never hold your child again? What would you feel if your spouse was taken ~ leaving you to raise the children? Why does it some times take such a great loss for us to put life into perspective. To make us hold on a little tighter when we hug. To speak with more love to those who are part of our daily family life. To tell someone you love them or that you are sorry.

Somewhere in life we forget and can take advantage of the presence of others in our lives. I know for certain that my brother and his precious wife valued (and still do) every day they have as a couple and as a family. They take time for each other and love each other. They trust each other and lean together when problems arise and not apart. They are an amazing family full of strength and love. There is no doubt about that!!

I think that is why trying to figure out why God allowed them to feel the loss of a child at such a young age baffles my mind. They are "good" people. No, they are GREAT people. Everything has changed in their lives. There is an empty spot that nothing will ever be able to take the place of. Holiday's ~ Family Gathering's ~ Birthday's. They will never be the same.

From this tragedy that has etched its memory forever in the lives of our family, my prayer is that Daren and I can some how put the past behind us and move forward. It's been far too long that we have been apart. I don't know how else to say it or what else to do. Daren, we need to be together raising our children and making memories with them. We need to be a family. In my heart that family is you myself, and our children (as well as more extended reletives who chose to positively pour into and help build our marriage)

God did not bring Daren and I back together after all these years....to bless us with three miracles....and see us divorce. That is not what God had intended and I think that Daren and I have both been far too much in the way of what God's will is and lived life off of our emotions.

I love my husband. I love our children. I love our extended families as well. I don't want another day to pass where we can't be together. This has gotten out of hand and if we don't stand up for our marriage and trust in God, the devil will have his victory, again.

Daren, you always have said that "the written word is the most rude form of communication". Since I don't get a chance to speak words & share my hearts desire with you, I have to write. That's what I do. You know the heart in which I write is not a heart of cruel nature or selfish ambition... this is written in deep abiding love and with a heart that bleeds for us to be a family under one roof at any cost.

So Many Have Asked ~ Major's Legacy

2009-11-05T09:36:00.009-06:00

Major Hezekiah Rhodes

It seems through all of the new technology these days, I have been honored to reconnect with so many of my friends that I have made throughout the years. So, to "make sense" and share the background to the story told in bits and pieces through post on my Facebook page, I wanted to share the legacy that my nephew left upon returning to the arms of God. A legacy that will last forever

On my Facebook page, the last few days have been filled with posts and memories of my nephew (My brother, David, and his wife, Darcy) and the tragic loss that they faced a year ago. A pain that still is present today.

My nephew, Major Hezekiah Rhodes, was called home back into the arms of God at the tender age of 15 months old. Major was born 16 days prior too our twins. Major was also born many weeks early and spent most of those weeks in the NICU in Salt Lake City where David is doing his orthopedic residency.

Darcy and I would talk on the phone and share our milestones and set backs, ounces gained and those lost, how they were feeding, how they were sleeping, and lots of prayers for each other through the trails that being in the NICU with your child carries.

Major came home as did our girls. The first year of their lives we talked constantly. Major, like "Little M", was a little slower in some developmental areas ~ but all in all, the three of them continued to grow and grow & were healthy happy little precious lives. Life became normal. Busy for all of us, but normal.

On Sunday, November 2, 2008~ Dave and Darcy got ready for church as they always do. (Marin who was 6 at the time, Somer who was 4, and Lillian who was 2 at the time, and Major, 15 months old.) Dave was working his first Sunday in the nursery at the church. His residency program at the University of Utah Health Science Center kept him busy many weekends. They have an amazing church and a are a part of a small group that would meet weekly out various homes. These preci0us people were their family away from home...and I mean precious people!! The faith and relationship with God that they have had as a family has always inspired me to grow more intimately with God....for many years I spent walking in the wilderness looking for that "one thing" that would make me feel whole...I found that One thing...and that was a personal and true relationship with God.

As David was standing at the door to the nursery and handing over another child to a parent, he looked down and noticed that Major was not breathing. Major was at his feet. Emergency life saving techniques instantly went into action. A number of other surgeons and medical staff that were in the church at the time were called into the nursery. It became apparent that Major had choked on two wooden screws. These great physicians that came to help did everything they could possibly do to dislodge the screws but were unable. They had called 911 the moment that it happened and 30 minutes later the ambulance arrived. They were able to dislodge one of the screws and establish an airway. By this time over 30 minutes had passed since any oxygen had been in Major's precious body.

The ambulance arrived at the Children's Hospital there in Salt Lake City. After a multitude of testing, millions of prayers.... they were notified that Major had no function in his brain. My wonderful brother and his wife had to make the choice that none of us as parents would ever want to make. They decided to allow him back in to the arms of the One who had given Major to them. The hospital staff was, from what I have been told, amazing and compassionate. The allowed Dave and Darcy to spend the night in bed with Major.They placed him in a bed so that they could cuddle with him in his last hours. My mom said that Dave and Darcy stayed up all night singing sweet songs of God and His love. They got to hold Major until the transplant team arrived at 4:00 in the morning on the 3rd.

His organs were given to those who needed them to stay alive. What a gift Dave and Darcy gave these families who would have been facing the same pain that they were walking through by the gift of his organs.

If you or your child are not an organ donor, I plead with you to take measures and steps to allow this.

It has been one year. One year since our family has been shaken to the core. One year full of questions that have seemed to go unanswered with only a silence that is at times deafening. One year full of tears and pain that goes beyond any words that I, as a writer, can find to accurately share every emotion that they have felt. My heart still bleeds with pain for them. It will for a lifetime.

I remember at Major's funeral, they had an open time where people could come up and share their thoughts of love or words of Scripture that God had placed on their hearts. I stood and read a poem that I had written in the first few days that followed this tragedy. Then, my brother... my brother did something that I will never in all my life forget. As the words of those who attended came to an end. My brother, with one hand gently placed on that precious little white casket and the other hand stretched up towards heaven shared with everyone the goodness of God. What faith!! What courage it took to be able to stand and share with those who were hurting with them. I can't even begin to share the admiration I still have for being able to do that. Which one of us could say that if ever faced with a similar tragedy would be able to do that?? I know at that time, I couldn't. Even today as my relationship with God has grown, I don't know that I could. His faith has always been an encouragement to me...so has Darcy's. She is an amazing woman of God. An example of a wonderful wife, the patience and love of a mother. I adore them and miss them dearly!!!
Major in the arms of his mommy!

Daddy and Major ~ A Father's Love is Priceless!
Darcy and Major ~ She truly is the worlds most wonderful mommy!!

I know that Major is in the presence of God. I know that he will never know the pain of this world or know the burden of a broken heart. I know that eternal life in heaven is far greater than the world that we live in here. But I believe in all of our hearts, we each wish in some way that he was still here. 15 months wasn't long enough to lavish the love we all have for him.

My brother and his wife are amazing parents. Darcy was 12 weeks along with "Rhodes baby #5" at the time and this past April, gave birth to precious Noelle. She is adorable in every sense of the word. Then on October 31th her sister in law gave birth to a beautiful girl Nora. Two new lives in one long year, but I believe in my heart that these lives are part of the balm of healing from God. Though they, or anyone, could never take Major's place, I am thankful for each of these pink bundles of love and live that God has given both of these families.

Miss Noelle Josephine

There is much more to this story, and I will share a few links to "The J-Crew Blog" that Kathy (Darcy's sister in law) authors. You'll be touched to join her blog as well as a "follower". You will also see a link in the sidebar of my blog where you can sign up for email notifications as post are made. If you have trouble signing up, send me an email at: lovedbyhisgrace@gmail.com along with a picture and your email and I will sign you up.

I thank each of you for your prayers for Dave and Darcy and their girls as well as for the "J-Crew" and their new blessing of Nora. We are humbled at the love and prayers we have continued to receive and thank you for those yet to come in the future! I pray that God will bless each of you exceedingly and abundantly and if you have any questions about having your own personal relationship with Jesus, please don't hesitate to ask.

Marin

Somer
Lillian

In His Grip ~ Through His Grace & Mercy

While I'm Waiting

2009-10-22T16:53:00.003-05:00

I keep running across songs today. If you have been on my facebook page, you will probably agree.

Today, today I had set out to write ... it was supposed to be my song writing day. While God did give me words for one song... that is where my creativity stopped and the ministry of these other songs fell into place. Today I thought I was supposed to write... but today, I've realized that God wanted me to listen.

This song is just another word I feel that God placed smack dab in front of me.... "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller .... because during this season of waiting, I will chose to serve Him... Listen to these words and be inspired. No matter how deep your valley or how steep the climb ahead looks...stop every now and then and listen... for in the hearing comes His strength, His direction, His love to endure.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You,
Lord And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You,
Lord Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You,
Lord And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You,
Lord Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Every Single Tear

2009-10-22T15:07:00.003-05:00

Every Single Tear

You feel insignificant, a whisper in the wind
Sometimes you think nobody knows your name
But there's Somebody watching over you
And He knows everything you're going through

CHORUS:
He sees every single tear
He feels everything you're feeling
He wants to hold you close and dry your eyes
Your heart is what He hears
When the world just hears you crying
No matter what the pain, He cares About every single tear

Overwhelmed by circumstances out of your control
Hope can be the hardest thing to find
When you're like a heart without a home
You don't have to face this hurt alone

CHORUS
If God adorns the lilies of the field
And cares for every sparrow in the sky
How much more is He aware of your sorrow and despair
How much does He care about your life

CHORUS

This Side of Broken ~ by Kristi Cole

2009-10-22T11:25:00.003-05:00

This side of broken, I have nothing inside,
I'm looking for somewhere to run and to hide.

This side of broken, there is nothing at all,
But when I quiet my mind, I hear hear the Lord's call.

"This side of broken", He says, "there is nothing for you here.
Only a life filled of loneliness, sadness and fears.

This side of broken isn't where you should stay."
He beckons and calls, "Child come My way".

Out of ashes He turns a beautiful life,
He fixes what's broken & clean the slate's wiped.

"My child I am with you, that 's all that you need
Leave the details to Me and I'll take care of the seeds.

Be patient My daughter for I am The One
Who will water these seeds and show them The Son.

It may not happen like you would have planned
But you can't see the view from where I stand.

For in My eyes I see beyond here and now
Place your trust just in Me and I'll show you how.

Walk in love and be obedient unto Me
for I'm in the business of restoring, you'll see.

It's not only YOU who has felt the sting of this storm
Other hearts have been battered, bruised, and torn.

Patience My child, you're a daughter of The King
You'll find shelter and peace beneath My mighty wings.

You will not be broken, at least not for long,
Through My word and My love you again will be strong.

written by: Kristi Cole
October 22, 2009
Dedicated to:My Precious Sweet Children!!!
I love each of you so much!!

FISH AND CHIPS TOURNAMENT ~ OCTOBER 23-24 2009 ~ RIVERWIND CASINO

2009-10-19T18:29:00.005-05:00

Come to the Riverwind Casiono off Hwy 9 just south of Norman this Friday and Saturday October 23rd and 24th for the Fish & Chips Tournament!! Top bass fishing professionals...Skeet Reece, Mark Zona, Kevin VanDam, Rick Clunn, Dean Rojas, Jeff Kriet, Kenyon Hill, Dave Smith, Brad Hallman, Terry Butcher and more!! Meet the Pros Thursday October 22nd at Riverwind from 6:30-8:30.

"Ocean Wide" ~ by The Afters

2009-10-18T12:23:00.002-05:00

Look outside
It's already light and the stars ran away with the night
Things we're said, words that we'll try forget,
it's so hard to admit I know we've made mistakes
I see through all the tears but that's what got us here

[Chorus:]
If love is an ocean wide
We'll swim in the tears we cry
They'll see us through to the other side
We're gonna make it
When love is a raging sea
You can hold on to me
We'll find a way tonight
Love is an ocean wide

I'll stay right here
It's where I'll always belong
Tied with your arms
Days like this, I wish the sun wouldn't set
I don't want to forget
What made us feel this way
You see through all my fears
And that's what got us here

[Chorus]
Love is an ocean wide enough to forget
Even when we think we can't

I love you!

Promise of A Lifetime

2009-10-18T11:12:00.004-05:00

I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of painI'm feeling broken in my melody

As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging to

The promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart

Pick me up, take me in your arms

Find my way back from the storm

And you show me how to grow through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside

I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

I am holding on to the hope I have inside

With you I will stay through every day

Putting my understanding aside

I am comforted

I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of painI'm feeling broken in my melody

As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart

Pick me up, take me in your arms

Find my way back from the storm

And you show me how to grow through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always thereTo hear my every prayer inside

I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetimeI hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime
I am holding on to the hope I have inside

With you I will stay through every day

Putting my understanding asideI am comforted

(Chorus)

To know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging to

The promise of a lifetimeI hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

I Miss My Family

2009-10-17T16:26:00.003-05:00

“Be strong. Take courage.

Don’t be intimidated… because God,

your God, is striding ahead of you.

He’s right there with you.

He won’t let you down;

he won’t leave you.”

(The Message)
Deuteronomy 31:6

I Will ....

2009-10-14T13:52:00.004-05:00

I will continue to believe that in all things God is present. Everything around me wants to tell me different. Everything tells me to give up. But God hasn't said anything about giving up. So, for today, for this moment...I will press on.

I will gently place one foot in front of the other and keep my focus on His presence in my life. Lord, quiet my spirit when You need to speak. When you open a door for me, let the words that I speak be Yours. Humble me and mold me into the woman that You have designed and desire me to be. Help my heart to remain tender through the battle and Lord, soften those hearts who are involved in this battle as well.

As always Lord, I plead for protection for the children. Protect their minds and hearts during this season of such uncertainty. Be with my little guy Lord, that his little heart will soften and that he will be more attentive to what mommy and daddy have to say. Show me where I can be a better mom. I love my children...they are all each blessings from You and I want to do the best that I can do, through You. Thank You Lord for always being there...You are the only one who really is!!!! And that, makes me in awe of You even more!!

In Jesus Name...

That's What Faith Can Do

2009-10-12T10:08:00.001-05:00

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

What Faith Can Do ~ Kutless

2009-10-09T12:45:00.002-05:00

THIS IS MY SONG!! It's so awesome that when we fall on our faces totally at the end of everything we are and have, we realize that God has been there all along...we get so caught up in taking care of our own problems...but what so crazy is that we don't have to take care of anything...we have to have faith in God and in His perfect amazing will. It would be so easy to give up ~ it would be so easy to watch everything fall apart and hurt with a pain that would leave a scar... but I am on my knees in prayer that God will strengthen my faith as I trust in Him!! That He will give me knowledge of words to speak and words to hold back. God, I AM Your child and I am crying out to You....

The WHOLE Armor....

2009-10-05T16:09:00.003-05:00

EPHESIANS 6:10-13

10 Finally, my brethren, be STRONG in the Lord and in

the power of HIS might.

11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be

able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 1

2 FOR WE DO NOT WRESTLE AGAINST

FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST

PRINCIPALITIES , AGAINST POWERS,

AGAINST THE RULERS OF

THE DARKNESS OF THIS AGE,

AGAINST SPIRITUAL HOSTS OF

WICKEDNESS IN THE HEAVENLY PLACES.

13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you

MAY BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND IN THE

EVIL DAY, AND HAVING DONE ALL, TO STAND.

I have nothing Lord but strength in You. Though the enemy comes at me from every direction, I will stand. I will fight a good fight and trust in You for all things, in all things, and because of all things. You are truly my shelter, the place at night I can go to still my mind and find some sort of peace that doesn't seem to exist in the daylight hours. The nights can be terrifying as well....but last night, I cried to You, and You heard me. You wrapped me in the palm of your hand and the Holy Spirit was the blanket that tucked me in. I thank You for the grace and mercy that You have extended me. I pray that I will walk in Your light and in a way that is pleasing to You. God, You and only You know the truths behind this .... and I trust and believe that You will lift the veil of lies and Your truth will be exposed. God, I pour myself out to you!! Thank You that you are close to those who have a broken heart! Show me ~ show ME the areas that You would have me change so that I may walk in Your will. I have so far to go....but I know that You are with me every step.

In Jesus Precious Name,

Amen

The Weathering Grace of God

2009-10-02T19:11:00.009-05:00

(**Personal note/update at end of this entry)

CHAPTER TWO

THE WEATHERING GRACE OF GOD

Page 70

As mountains attract the weather, so the upheavals in our lives attract the grace of God. Those who have had deadly, crushing, bitter experiences happen to them are the ones to whom the Father is especially drawn.

* The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. (Ps. 34:18)

* A broken and contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt no despise. (Ps 51:17)

* He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Ps 147:3)

....Gire goes on in this chapter and refers to the Dust Bowl that historically changed so many lives of those who had retreated to Oklahoma from the great depression

Page 83

The unrelenting winds of the Dust Bowl swept topsoil from their farms.With the loss of soil came the loss of their crops. with the loss of their crops came the loss of their livelihood. with the loss of their livelihood came the loss of their farms.

Page 85

The Dawn came, but no day.

....When the night came again it was a black night, for the starts could pierce the dust to get down, and the window lights could not even spread beyond their own yards. ...

An upheaval not only alters the landscape but often deforests the landscape, leading to further devastation. The same thing can happen when tragedy strikes the small, forty-acre farm that is our life

Steinbeck's description of the Dust Bowl is what the weather of the heart is sometimes like for the one who has endured great loss. A steady wind blows you, opposes you, oppresses you. the wind grows stronger, whisking away what little soil that surrounds the few rootlets of spiritual life you have left. With the wind come stinging reminders of how different your life is from everyone else's.....Your bloodshot eyes burn from the wind blown grit. Your tears wash away the grit, but not the burn.

To escape these stinging realities, you huddle yourself in your house. .....No matter how thorough you are in your dusting, there is always something you have overlooked, always some reminder of your loss.

You lie in bed at night, staring at the ceiling. Your thoughts are incoherent pieces of a puzzle you have grown weary of, yet can't get rid of. The headache won't go away. Or the guilt. Or the regret. You're out of tears, out of prayers. You've waited in silence, wept in silence, wondered in silence. You wonder if anyone is up there, beyond that ceiling, if anyone was ever up there, or if it has all been just so much pious talk and positive thinking, reinforced by the peer pressure of your religious friends. .....

.....What little light you have within you doesn't spread very far, either.

Throughout the night the wind continues. The night is long and it seems the dawn will never come. Finally the dawn comes, but no day....And God, who once seemed so radiant, now seems a dim red circle that give little light.

.....What then?

We start by realizing that reclaiming the land doesn't happen overnight.

But it does happen. And it begins to happen when we pray. Each time we pray, we plant a seed. It takes years to sow them. Even more years to grow them. That is how we cooperate with god in reclaiming the landscape. A seed at a time. We plant them in faith, NOT KNOWING HOW MANY WILL SPROUT, OR OF THOSE THAT SPROUT, HOW MANY WILL SURVIVE. And though the odds are against us, we believe that some of those seeds will root, that some of them will survive, and that someday they WILL make a difference in the landscape of our lives.

Yet, there are days when the promise of "someday" is not enough. You try to think of a reason to go on living today. but today you can't. And from your trembling hand, the only seed you have to sow is the prayer that God in His mercy puts an end to your misery, and takes you home. Not someday, but today.

Page 91

C.S. Lewis said...."We should bring to God what is in us, not what ought to be in us". The oughts will keep us from telling the truth. they will also keep us from feeling the truth. Especially the truth about our pain.

We can be too careful with our words, especially when we pray. We can be too quick to come to conclusions about what happened and why. too quick to make sense of it all. Too quick to see God in it all.

Page 92

When Jesus received the news of John the Baptist's death....He went away by Himself and mourned. (Matt 14:1-13)

....Jesus reached into the depths of His soul for whatever words He could find that spoke the truth of his pain. We are told that He agonized with "loud crying and tears" (Heb 5:7) We are also told that He fell to the ground, where He prayed fervently and sweated profusely. (Luke 22:44)

...We pray however we can, with whatever words we can. We pray with our sweat, with our tears. and we pray with whatever friends we have who will sit with us IN THE DARKNESS!!

Page 93

Gethsemane, Calvary, and any other place in the world where tears are wept but unblotted - where questions are asked but unanswered....

Page 95

"Man comes closer to God through the questions he asks Him, he liked to say. Therein lies true dialogue. Man asks and God replies. But we don't understand His replies. We cannot understand them. Because they dwell in the depths of our soul and remain there until we die. The real answers you will find only within yourself"....."I pray to God within me for the strength to ask Him the real questions." (quotes by Elie Wiesel a Holocaust survivor who lost his entire family in that tragic season)

Who of us knows what those questions are? Or how deeply within ourselves we will have to go to find them? Who knows what we will find in those depths?

Maybe something of secret of who we are. Who we are, who we truly are, is a secret known only to god. One day we will be given the stone that bears our new name (Rev 2:17). But TODAY, that name is a mystery, even to us.

Page 97

I think that we feel if we can somehow connect all the dots in life in some kind of cause-and-effect manner, that life can be managed and made safe for us and for those we love.

But the universe cannot be managed or made safe. Not by us anyway. When we lose a sense of mystery, we lose a sense of our place in the universe. And leaving that place, we leave behind a humility that is attendant to that place.

Mystery, ambiguity, uncertainty. These are places where we reach an end of ourselves, places where we have to stop, stop and take off our shoes. If we don't. the mystery, the ambiguity, the uncertainty will one day prove too much for us. If we must have all our questions answered before we can go forward in our relationship with God, there will come a day when we won't go forward.

Some mysteries remain God's secret. Others Jesus shares with us, the way He shared with Peter something of secret of His own life.

Page 99

Our lives are part of an over-arching drama, part sunshine, part rain, that spans the heavens from Paradise to Paradise. What role we play in that drama is a secret Jesus shares with us, if at all, at His own discretion. Many of the most personal secrets of our story are seldom shared with anyone else. the continuation of Jesus's conversation with Peter is a case in point.

.....Peter, turning around, saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them; the one who also had leaned back on His breast at supper, and said, "Lord, who is the one who betrays You?" Jesus said to him, "If you want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!" (John 21:20,22)

The secret of my friends' story is a mystery. It is not mine to know. It many not even be theirs to know, not now anyway. For now we see in a glass darkly, but then face to face, and now we know in part, but then we shall know fully just as we have been fully known. (1 Cor. 13:12)

So until then, what?

We feel our way in the dark.

Until we find each other.

We huddle together in the storm.

Wet and shivering, but together.

And maybe in the end it will be our huddling in the storm that gives us more comfort than our understanding of the storm.

Page 101

July 16, 1903 ~ German poet Rainer maria Rilke wrote:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart...try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer"

God doesn't ask us to figure out our salvation., with confidence and certainty. he asks us to work it out, with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12) Living the questions is part of the way we do that. It is an honest way. It is also a painful way. The Scriptures help, but not with the pain. The Scriptures are not a medicine cabinet, filled with prescriptions to take the edge off life. They are about a God who, during his most painful experience on earth, REFUSED THE WINE MIXED WITH MYRRH THAT WAS OFFERED HIM.

The Scriptures show us what life with such a God is like.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends, I believe that the grace of God and His mercy is with me...it's with you. I can't see it, it's not tangible, but I know it's real. I believe that the same God I approached weeping over "Little M's" medical diagnosis during my pregnancy and the same God I fell before with great joy as she was healed...is the same God that will work His miracles in my life today. I will not stand for anything else.

Today was so difficult. I had to take the kids back to Daren, who is living with his mother. Upon entering into the house, they had removed almost all of my belongings and put them in the entry way for me to take with me after dropping the kids off. My children, in tears a great deal of the time, questioned what was going on....and asked where we were going. I had to tell them that I had to leave ~ but leaving them had nothing to do with loving them. How do you make a 3 year old and two year old twins understand that?? I thought it was in poor taste to make me load these things in the car while the children were present to watch. It broke my heart. They will be with Daren until Monday morning, when I will run quickly to sweep them into my arms and shower them with the kisses I won't be able to give them until then.

This is a terrible, terrible situation. I do not know the Daren that stood before me today. My heart is broken. We've been together for 18 years....we divorced in 1998 after 4 1/2 years of marriage, but our love still stood. Never taken away. God gave us a second chance...a chance that I ran with knowing that I would never let it go. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to watch our family torn apart. As long as Daren is living under that roof though, he will be fed with nothing positive...nothing full of God's light...everything he listens to spoken by others is NOT words of faith, reconciliation and hope...

I have so many tears...so much pain in the depths of my heart. I will stand on God's word and the promises of His character and I will trust in Him. I will pray without ceasing. I will hope with no end and I will have faith that in the end...this is His victory and our story will go on.

Thank you for your prayers and love. It is a lonely time. I will do my best to keep updates on the progress and just ask that for now, pray, intercede for us, for Daren, that those who are pulling us apart, lose strength.... I love you all so very much!!

In His Grip!

Every Time I Press In

2009-09-28T19:40:00.003-05:00

Friends, I have always marveled at the way God brings the perfect person or the perfect book or Scripture to my life in moments of need. As you know from previous post this week, I have been reading the amazing book "Life As We Want It....Life As We Are Given It".

It has been talking about the upheavals of life and how at the time it can feel as if a earthquake that blows any magnitude on the Richter scale has plummeted into your life.

This week is of no exception. I am not at liberty to divulge details at this time...I am just here to tell you that I will press on. I will allow the dust to settle and for the ruble left behind to wash away allowing God, in all His Glory, to replace the ashes that have seemed to suffocate me right now and turn them into a beauty that serves His purpose.

This truly is a large upheaval. I will not change my stance. I will hold firm to the convictions of my heart and not loose strength. In the silence I spend with God and hearing His voice, I can survive on that alone. I am a proud mother of three incredible children. They in them selves are proof of the beauty that God has brought into my life.

I am far from done. I am just getting started. I will do all that I can to glorify and press on ...and if I can do it...you can do it to. Don't lose heart...don't give up...talk, just talk to God and He will hear your heart. To those few family members that are still in support, I thank you deeply with every fiber of my heart. To my friends who have tenderly held my hand the past few weeks, I am grateful. Again, your prayers are priceless and I am humbled to have you interceding for me!!

I love you all....
In His Grip....Stronger Than Ever!!

Chapter 1

2009-09-25T15:33:00.003-05:00

LIFE AS WE WOULD WANT IT....LIFE AS WE ARE GIVEN IT

The Beauty God Brings from Life's Upheavals

BY ~ Ken Gire

Chapter One

THE TERRIFYING UPHEAVALS OF LIFE

Upheavals. Just the thought of that word made my heart skip a beat. Then, he added the words terrifying and life and I knew that this wasn't going to be an easy chapter to dissect and "take in". If you didn't read my unusually LONG post from yesterday, this book is about, well, it's just as the title states. "Life As We Would Want It...Life As We Are Given It".

Throughout this chapter you feel the raw emotion of the stories he tells. Families that have suffered loss of children, friends & in some stories, entire villages. Losses through disease, natural disasters, freak accidents. It's truly a chapter that brought many tears not just to my eyes, but tears that spilled over onto the pages that I read.

There is so much about life that we do not know. We haven't a clue what tomorrow, next week, next month, or the next years might entail. Will there be upheavals? Will there be just one incident that shakes our lives and changes us forever? Will there be a season, however long or short, that leaves us wondering where we went wrong for all of these things to happen to us?

For our family immediate and extended, we have suffered great loss in many areas. We all have been shaken to our core at one time or another. As I look at my parents and how they traveled through these dark times, I noticed that they were more emotionally and spiritually prepared than I ever was. As I tenderly gaze at my brother's family picture, I see an underlying strength that lives within them that even now may not be totally revealing to them. I know them though, I know of their deep relationship and passion for God and all His people! Then I close my eyes and try to think of what people would say of me if asked where they saw me at in my relationship with God during these never ending vallies??? I can tell you that I know I did not at the time have the faith or relationship with God that I should have. Instead of spending prior years building a fortress in which I could run, I wasted that time on selfish desires and worldly matters that in no way prepared me for what was ahead. I wish I had spent time in His word, in His house, in His presence....I wish I knew more about God BEFORE these things happened rather than learning so much about His goodness AFTER!!!

In uncertain times, times of great terrifying upheavals of life, the ones that are filled with loss and corruption of our "before lives"... I agree with Ken Gire when he said that "at times he wishes he didn't believe in God because if we took God out of the picture, we wouldn't take the upheavals so personally. And though the upheavals might still destroy the landscapes of our lives, at least they wouldn't kick up any cosmic dust so that we spend a lot of time wandering in its haze, disoriented and trying to make some kind of sense of it." It would, as Ken says, "be so much easier to just say that the world is filled with randomness and chaos and bad things happen to all of us, and we should just enjoy what we can of life, thanking our "lucky stars" that bad things don't happen to us more often than they do."

I know after two miscarriages, my fundamental faith that was instilled in me through my parents and friends, saved me in many ways. But DURING the pain of losing my babies I would spend days upon days in tearful wonder of what I did to deserve this. What did I do wrong God? Why me? Why my babies? It was an emotional roller coaster of pendulum swings from the top where I felt God's control, to the depths of the valley where I questioned and was angry, shaking my fist at God. After all...God is love and if he is a loving God...how do these things happen??? And more selfishly, why do they happen to me?

We can all get crazy lost in questioning God and His perfect will for our lives. I wonder too what beauty could possibly come out of the tragedies that we have faced in the last 4 years. It also leaves me with an intermittent wonder of what upheavals might become of tomorrow and how long they would last. But I'm going to try a new approach to this crazy life of mine. I want to get closer to God. Closer than I've ever been before. I want to know Him and His word so that when the unspeakable happens, my fortress or refuge IS in Him and not in someone or something. I want to run and hide in Him and know that I know that I know He is with me and in His wings I will find shelter.

Psalm 46:1-11 shows us the truth of God's character. He is our refuge and strength and ever present help in time of trouble. He is in control and has got to have our trust or we will fail at any attempt to try to survive and see what beauty He produces out of the ashes. In times of upheaval, "Be still, and know that I am God".

That's all He is asking that we do....be still. And that to someone like me can be asking a great deal. But to be still and rest in Him is the origination of a strength to endure. We need to, at times, "cease striving" for the answers to our innumerable questions.

Wendell Berry writes in a poem of his what happens when we are still:

The mind that comes to rest is tended

In ways that it cannot intend;

Is borne, preserved, and comprehended

By what it cannot comprehend.

Ken Gire writes: "What we are asked to listen to in times of upheaval is the voice of the Great Artist Himself, who will one day bring, out of the upheavals in this world, a new heaven and a new earth. And He IS in the process of bringing, out of the upheavals in our life, a new heaven and a new earth within us as well."

Be still. Be silent. Find strength to endure in Him. Drown out the inner voices that the enemy so persistently and loudly scrams at us to weaken our ability to sit in silence for The One who heals and restores. Satan will stop at all cost to cause us to doubt, and in some cases cease to believe, that He, THE ALMIGHTY GOD, DOES IN FACT LOVE US!

We, as a family, have been in an incredible time of upheaval. It feels as if we live on a fault line, where earthquakes or tremors occur every day. It is discipline that keeps me at least trying to force myself back to His promise that He would never leave me or forsake me. I know that He has not based my life on a national seismic hazard mapping project thrust upon us by God. I know that there is nothing we can or can't do to prevent further quakes and the magnitude that they can withhold. I also, however, know that God does take the ashes and turn them into something beautiful. I know that as long as I abide in Him, He will protect me and that His perfect will shall be carried out. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt deeply or like Job, ask God why....It just means that at the end of this brief time here on earth....God is going to reveal to me the most majestic picture painted by The Artist of my life.

In His Grip~ And HOLDING ON!!!

Life As We Would Want It... Life As We Are Given It

2009-09-24T15:34:00.012-05:00

Ken Gire has always been one of my favorite authors. His honest realistic approach coupled with the Living Truth of God's Word has allowed me to see things from God's perspective. He in no way acts like he is a god, but rather is so relevant in his interpretation of God's Word and the promises within those Scriptures.He deeply feels each word he writes and has a true passionate concern for all of us to live life in God's peace and presence.

The first book of his that I read was "The North Face of God". It fell across my journey in the depths of grief over the sudden and tragic loss of my nephew on November 3, 2008. It is a great, great book and I highly recommend it. In short, short synopses of the book, he gently reveals to us that though we may feel as if God is cold and unaware of our hurt, pain, or loss, he is actually protecting us from that in which our eyes here on earth, nor our minds, could possible make sense of.

Isaiah 55:8

"For your thoughts are not My thoughts

neither your ways are My ways." Declares the Lord.

I grew to at least trying to trust in God's purpose in our loss, from totally thinking that He was crazy and that nothing could ever make sense of this nor would the God that I know allow such a thing. Friends, it goes so much further than what we know. I have no more answers today than I did last week, last month, or last year. I am merely finding my way into peace with what has transpired and thanking God every day for His patience to endure His pursuit of my heart. I am stubborn, strong willed, and can tend to think that my way of thinking is the right way to think... but sadly, I have been proven wrong more times than I would like to admit. (OTHER than the fact that The University of Oklahoma is part of the Promise Land and produces great athletes and great citizens of this great country....BOOMER SOONER!!!) :0)

I urge you, I highly recommend to you, that if you are at a spot in your journey of life and you are wondering where God is pick up a copy of "The North Face of God". I can promise that He is there with you, He is not asking for you to do anything but allow Him into the pain of your heart where He will heal whats broken and fill you with peace...a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is there through Scripture, through church families, and through numerous conferences, magazines, and books. Ken Gire pens some of the most life changing publications I have read ~ and trust me, my bookshelf is full! I hate "obscure" reading right now. I want to read something that leaves an indellable impression in my heart that will inspire me in my daily journey while here on earth. What I "want" to do and what I actually "do" though still needs great attention for I am far, far, far from where I should be.(Romans 7:19-20 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.)

The book that I just recently picked up of his is just as incredible to me. On the heels of "The North Face" I stumbled upon "Life As We Would Want It, Life As We Are Given It" (The Beauty God Brings From Life's Upheavals). For me personally, reading the first of these two books helped greatly extend the healing process and this book feels to me like the next step up. I am FINALLY starting to understand our place in this broken world and when He is given the opportunity & we move aside, what God WILL do. We have to open ourselves to Him for healing. There is no one person on this earth that can fill your heart 100% of the time with 100% satisfaction guarantee. (the only thing I've seen recently with that guarantee was an infomercial for Life Alert "Help I've fallen and I can't get up....anyway, just sayin!.....for my facebook peeps!)

I have just recently started this book, but I feel a strong passion and direction from God to share it...journal things on this blog because I believe that there is at least one person out there who feels so abandoned by something or someone that they need hope...and hope in anything other than God will leave you feeling even more empty. PLEASE, trust me on this!!! I know this much to be fact, not observation!! I would not be here today, literally, if it wasn't for the grace of God and His mercy and endless love.

So, today, Thursday, September 24, 2009, I want to share a part of the Prologue. I say just a "part" but if you know me, I'll probably be writing the entire prologue. I just feel exceptionally moved to help someone. So Lord, as I begin to share the works of this great author, touch the lives of those who read it and God, in ways only you can create, allow this to cross the eyes of someone who is in dire need of knowing You and Your merciful and gracious love.

Prologue

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Solomon

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Thou who wouldst see the lovely and the wild

mingled in harmony on Nature's face,

Ascend our rocky mountains.

William Cullen Bryant

From His Poem

"Monument Mountain"

~Page 3~

When we draw close to Nature, reaching out to it for clues to our existence, Nature takes our hands and fills them with the fertile loam of our humanity, reminding us that from the earth we were taken and to the earth we will return.
It's humbling to realize for us who have been given dominion over Nature how limited that dominion is. We can light candles, but we can't hold back the night. We can prepare for storms, but we can't prevent them. We can't stop the rains in times of flood or start them in times of drought. We can't shorten winter or lengthen spring.

~Page 4~

In Nature we are confronted with the limits of our dominion. Nowhere are those limits so obvious as in the way mountains are formed. When sheer formations of rock are suddenly thrust through the surface of the earth, we are helpless to stop it. Helpless to control either its duration or its devastation.

We are just as helpless when some tragedy devastates us. Like the death of a child. (Lord, help me to continue) Or the diagnosis of cancer. The prodigal who runs away from home. Or the partner who walks away from the marriage. The sudden disability from a wreck. Or the sobering dismissal from work. (Now, I can honestly say that 5 out of the 6 of these life changing situations Mr. Gire described have intersected with my life at some point WITHIN the last 6 years....)

Upheavals come suddenly, unexpectedly, and often catastrophically. Whenever they come, however they come, they forever ALTER THE SETTLED TERRAIN THAT ONCE WAS OUR LIFE. (emphasis mine) Embedded within us are physical, spiritual, and psychological layers that make up our interior landscape. When upheavals come, they alter every layer with varying degrees of destruction that SOMETIMES TAKE A LIFETIME TO UNEARTH. (again, emphasis mine)

~page 5~

Imagine for a minute that YOU are the landscape. The upheaval thrusts itself mercilessly through the very center of who you are. The abrading of granite. The crumbling of limestone. The crashing boulders as they tumble down around you, shattering to pieces. You feel all of that, every grinding moment of it. Your stomach drops, your head spins, and you watch in helpless horror as the innermost parts of your life lie on the surface, exposed to the elements.

The deafening noise is the sound of the upheaval as it forces its way through every stratified layer that lies within you. Your body, mind, emotions, all these layers are displaced. They are folded or pushed upward or thrust over each other. The social layers of your life are shaken. And the spiritual layers that once seemed such bedrock certainties, they're shaken too.

~Page 6~

Who of us can survive the shock and aftershocks of such earth-shaking experiences? Who of us has the strength to sift through the emotional rubble of the resulting devastation? Who of us has the courage to face the future where other upheavals may await us?

Meanwhile, where is God in all of this? Didn't He see the upheaval coming? Couldn't He have prevented it? Or at least warned us of it?

Much of the way pressure within the earth thrusts rock formations through its crust to create mountains, the seismic pressure of these unanswered questions create sudden and sometimes terrifying upheavals in our faith.

~Page 7~

To this bare and broken rock, God comes.
There the weathering grace of God begins its work, wearing granite into soil, planting windblown seeds into barren slopes, bringing life out of lifelessness, beauty out of ugliness.

Season after season, the work continues.

In time, God turns the most terrifying of eruptions into the most majestic of mountains, the most tragic of earthquakes into the most idyllic of landscapes.
That is the unrelenting work of heaven, to make everything beautiful in its time.

And then...the book begins. I believe, because I have read in Scriptures, that God is already with us before tragedy strikes, and He is there with us as it unfolds, and I KNOW He is there holding us when everything around us seems to be falling at our feet and the pain is too much to bear.

We are such a culture of quick fixes. (Look at Obama...never mind...I'm not going there...didn't vote for him, but his entire "change" oriented campaign was not portrayed in unraveling at the speed it is, creating with it monumental difficulties for us, the average American family and the children that will reap the harvest, or lack of, in the future...whew...that's for another time) We want so much for God to take the pain away RIGHT NOW. Sometimes He does and other times, HIS will is to walk with us a little longer in our sorrow so that through the valley, as we walk hand in hand with Him, He can become more intimately real in our hearts and lives. "everything is beautiful in its time" The Scriptures never promise us how long the journey will take...they promise us of the grace, mercy and love that God showers endlessly on those who seek Him and allow Him to be their most intense of desires in life.

I recently have gone through a time of great pain or severe reality check as to where we are as a family. Daren lost his job 7 months ago as most of you know and I think I just turned my head from the true and ugly reality of what was unfolding before us. We are a family of 5 who are maintaining our living through less than $1000 a month from unemployment and through the kindness of Daren's mom allowing us to move into her home and share it with us. My parents have helped provide with school for Kory. But more importantly, there are our prayer warriors that cover and love us....they are a picture of the feathers on the wings of God that we find shelter in.

I don't have any idea what tomorrow holds and I can't change a thing about what happened yesterday, but I can stop TODAY to remind myself that this life is not to be lived the way I want it to be, but as God has carefully orchestrated with every second of my life in mind. I choose to believe that He is with us and has been with us over the past three years as we have been thrust into seasons that without Him, we would have never survived to tell. He has carried us....even when we doubted where He was...He held us even more tightly in the palm of His hand and it is in looking back at those times I truly and honestly can say that I do only see One set of Footprints...
In His Grip and So Thankful for His Love~

Hope ~ By; Beth Moore

2009-09-24T07:27:00.003-05:00

I've grown old enough to know

That fairies don't have tails

That good men often suffer

While evil men prevail.

I've tried to find that white frame house

With matching picket fences

But found instead black picket signs

And hatred's thorny fences.

I've lived enough to see

The innocent maligned

And I've concluded fairness is

A rarity to find.

I've seen the noble dreams of man

Be in an instant shattered

I sigh to see another woman

Used and bruised and battered.

I've seen shots of tiny orphans

As rulers rise and fall

I've stood by stricken parents

And caskets way too small.

I've abandoned childish notions

That life is like pretend

I've tossed paper to the ground and sobbed

"When will this madness end?"

But I've never grown up quite enough

To leave my hope behind

I'll think I've turned my back on hope

Then bump into the kind

Of Gentle Traveller sent to bind

My wounded faith with love

Who sets my feet upon a Rock

And my mind on things above.

Then I find myself still hoping

Old folks won't be left alone

And can't seem to quit believing

Daddy's still might move back home.

And that an orphan might just find

A reason to survive

And parents of the missing

Might just find their son alive.

No, I've never grown up quite enough

To scorn sweet signs of Spring

Nor can I help but think a tree

Is happy with a swing.

And you must pardon if I hope

The Pearl of Heaven's Gate

Is the treasure I've adored

And longed to celebrate.

I Hope to hug the ones I've loved

And jump on cotton clouds

Where angels sing His holiness

And saints can laugh out loud.

Some bedtime tales are worth the tell-

May one be quickly due

Let Gabriel groom that great white horse

And board Faithful and True.

So let this world's prince mock and scorn

My hope is not ashamed

For in the King of kingdom's grand

My Hope has found a Name.

Written and Published by:

Beth Moore ~ Things Pondered

From the Heart of a Lesser Woman

Oops!!!

2009-09-23T10:58:00.004-05:00

Hello sweet friends and precious family!! Your tender notes of support and love have drawn to me a strength that I needed to be reminded is in me through God! Tears of joy fell as I read each word...you have all touched my heart.

When I mentioned the restructure of our family, it might have come across wrong and poor choice of words on my part. It's more like and extreme makeover. Getting rid of the old ways and embarking on new communication and unity that is for our children and their well being.

I won't lie and say we are fine. Any marriage that has undergone what we have over the past 3 years would be tested to the limits, ours is no exception. (to add injury to insult...the alternator when out on the Taurus...)

So, I just wanted to ease the minds of those in concern. I've got to go and wrangle the girls.... I love each of you!!!

In His Grip!

A Time To Change Perspectives....

2009-09-22T13:50:00.003-05:00

I look at the date of my last blog entry, has it really been almost 2 weeks? It feels, in some regards, like it's been two days. But, on the flip side a feeling of eternity comes to mind.

I believe in my heart that for the most part, I've had nothing positive to share in this blog. The valley ever deepens and it seems as if we aren't even at the bottom of it yet. I've cut a great deal of my communication off from my mentors and friends who had so gently but firmly redirected my steps back to walking in sync with God and living my life in faith of what HE has in store and not what my own eyes see. So many of those precious mentors and friends I fear would feel as if my effort to continue my walk was loosing it's fire, passion, & heart filled desire to finally once and for all...stay the course and fight the good fight.

I hear people reminding me of Job's life....and I can relate. I hear people telling me again of Paul's life with a thorn in his side....and I can relate. But have I picked up the Word for guidance and for strength to endure? No! Why? I have no idea!!

I have been so deeply drawn to Sheila Walsh and her books! As of today, there isn't a single emotional valley or season that she has walked in that I can't identify with on a very personal level. Her victory over her depression and my three precious children is what keeps me here every day. It's a discipline for my mind to keep it focused on the good in myself and the promise that God would never in a million years trade me in for another. I am at the end of myself and I think that is the best place to open my eyes and see the start of Him.

I pray for strength to endure the next few months as our lives as a family is restructured to a new form. I pray for patience and peace to rule my heart. I pray for the lives of those who have so graciously and endlessly poured into me that they would experience the blessings that can only flow from the hands of God. I pray for my children, that they not be affected more than they have been by this and that God would keep them out of the valley and in His protection until I can stand again feeling honored that I am a mommy. I feel so blessed to be entrusted to raise these three lives

So, friends and family, I return to you again to ask you for your coveted prayers and for just a small amount of continued patience with me. Many of you have traveled this roller coaster life with me and your loyalty to me is far more appreciated and valued than what I could express here right now. I honor you though ~ and I know in the future, God is going to provide the perfect platform for me to openly thank you each.

I love all of you!!! I miss you all immensely!!

In His Grip~