Lost & Broken

Lost in a whirlwind of lies and fabrications. Broken that in a season where I am clinging on to God with all that I have, my relationship with the Lord is being questioned!!



Being a Christian, doesn't mean I'm perfect. It means I long for deep relationship with God. It means that I am lost in this crazy evil world without Him.



My eyes have never been so clearly opened to a group of people who have blatant disregard for pain, for loss, for death in family. I'm hurt, beyond mere words. It's a pain that I never expected to feel during the mourning of Major. (Yes, I STILL hurt....I have a right to, I love him as all my side of the family does!) How can people spew such piercing words? I don't get it. I really don't get it. Then, I am asked to act as if the situation never happened?



I know that in God's Scripture, it tells us that we should forgive...and that if we don't forgive, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us. I have forgiven these cold hearted "haters"... but in that forgiveness, it doesn't mean that the pain is gone...that the words said don't still bring a tear to my eyes and rip my heart open all over again. And it by no means states that I need to continue a relationship with them. I believe with all my heart that there are relationships in life that God allows you to let go of... He allows you peace to end them.



I will not subject myself or my sweet impressionable children to the poison of bitterness, anger, and jealousy that these people wear on their shoulders. I'm not about hurting or protecting people's feelings, I am about striving to grow in Christ (amidst many setbacks that in my own doing have been revealed)... I am about trying to figure out where I stand in my marriage... and I am all, 100%, purely about shepherding the hearts of my children and protecting them from what outside influences I can. These are my priorities right now... along with a few others in finding my place in a church family where I can grow in fellowship.



My grief is MY journey. Stop telling me to move on. Stop telling me to let go. Stop telling me to get over it. Especially those of you whose hateful, heartless words, the day following his death, inflicted such a pain as you did. You accomplished your meaningless goal of finally "getting to me" ... and I hope that this sick pleasure your find in this carries you for a long time. I would hate to see that you would even think of speaking such words ever again.



Broken, you broke my heart. Lost, you left me wondering where God is and how He could allow such evil people to come in touch with me during a time where my footing is slipping and my heart in question.



I will continue to work through my anger towards you. I have forgiven you, but I want to make it clear, my family (my children) will NOT be subjected to your thoughtless words. You can not be trusted!!