So, I got on the internet to find more out about this book. It was
exactly what I wanted to hear...."5 Days to a new kid"..."guaranteed to work"....regain order and leadership....I was out the door before you knew it and was on my way to get this magical piece of information that somehow I had missed on my journey in parenting. (I probably skipped that class..... :0)
In the car, it was silent. No children talking or crying or kicking the back of my seat. No "Nemo", "Cars", "Charlotte's Webb"...no nothing. Nada...it was quiet. My first thought was, "Yeah, I can listen to some 'grown up' music"....as my hand headed towards the dashboard, God totally spoke in a way that I will never forget.
In the silence of my car, He spoke. He! God Almighty! The Creator! It was a voice I'll never forget in my heart...He gently tapped me on the shoulder and said that I needed a new ME by Friday....without even thinking, I spoke back. "God, I don't have time to change who I am until I get them to change"...Again, He reminded me that there are areas of my life that need to be corrected, strengthened, revived, polished, refined...I need to show more respect at home, I need to talk to my God more, I need to GIVE MY KIDS MY TIME! He said so sweetly that they need me. They need me where they are at. They didn't need a mom that was always "too busy with something else" to enjoy what they were discovering. I needed to put down the little things that I was juggling and never completing and just BE with them. Find out who THEY are....shape them by my presence and time with them and not by my yelling across the room "If I have to tell you to stop that one more time, you're getting the spoon!!!" (which I have found to be very ineffective...the yelling across the room part)
Kory is only 3 and at times I think I put too much on him to do and expect too much out of his behavior. His joy filled chatter about everything that he see's or touches or discovers for the first time...Can you imagine feeling something, knowing something deep inside of you, but not being able to express it and then all of a sudden you can? "Mommy! Look at the cars!" " Mommy! Look at the cars!". This precious boy says everything at least twice....AT LEAST! Last week I told him in a very week moment "Just stop talking! You don't need to say everything twice" Yes, my "Mother of the Year Award" is not going to be on the mantle this year. I cut Kory's spirit. I shut him down in a moment of joy in discovering this world in which God created. Shame on me!! No excuse for something like that! NONE! And I am completely aware of that.
In the car, it was silent. No children talking or crying or kicking the back of my seat. No "Nemo", "Cars", "Charlotte's Webb"...no nothing. Nada...it was quiet. My first thought was, "Yeah, I can listen to some 'grown up' music"....as my hand headed towards the dashboard, God totally spoke in a way that I will never forget.
In the silence of my car, He spoke. He! God Almighty! The Creator! It was a voice I'll never forget in my heart...He gently tapped me on the shoulder and said that I needed a new ME by Friday....without even thinking, I spoke back. "God, I don't have time to change who I am until I get them to change"...Again, He reminded me that there are areas of my life that need to be corrected, strengthened, revived, polished, refined...I need to show more respect at home, I need to talk to my God more, I need to GIVE MY KIDS MY TIME! He said so sweetly that they need me. They need me where they are at. They didn't need a mom that was always "too busy with something else" to enjoy what they were discovering. I needed to put down the little things that I was juggling and never completing and just BE with them. Find out who THEY are....shape them by my presence and time with them and not by my yelling across the room "If I have to tell you to stop that one more time, you're getting the spoon!!!" (which I have found to be very ineffective...the yelling across the room part)
Kory is only 3 and at times I think I put too much on him to do and expect too much out of his behavior. His joy filled chatter about everything that he see's or touches or discovers for the first time...Can you imagine feeling something, knowing something deep inside of you, but not being able to express it and then all of a sudden you can? "Mommy! Look at the cars!" " Mommy! Look at the cars!". This precious boy says everything at least twice....AT LEAST! Last week I told him in a very week moment "Just stop talking! You don't need to say everything twice" Yes, my "Mother of the Year Award" is not going to be on the mantle this year. I cut Kory's spirit. I shut him down in a moment of joy in discovering this world in which God created. Shame on me!! No excuse for something like that! NONE! And I am completely aware of that.
Well, those are the things that God brought to light that evening as I sat in my car. Everything that "Have A New Kid By Friday" talks about, everything that is encouraged and taught, is in my opinion, something that we as mothers, fathers, and adults in general need to heed in our own behavior. How can we expect something so perfect out of our children if we are not willing to live in that same manner? I guess it all goes back to "Practice what you preach"...
I had a teachable moment with God that day that has forever changed my heart! First of all just in awe that He spoke to me. Second, he cares and loves me far more than I think I realized. With all that has happened in the last three years, I will admit, I began to wonder if He was aware of what all was happening.
Our life could truly have been a 'made for TV movie'. It was craziness. It was sorrow. It was loss. It was poor health. It was heart conditions...labor complications....kidney stones....premature birth of twin girls at 31 weeks...it was 9 more weeks in the NICU in Plano, TX(2 hours from Tyler) because we had no Level III NICU here in Tyler at the time (Now, there is...just opened...ahhhh!!). Kory was in Oklahoma bouncing around from my parents to Daren's mom. Daren had to return to work and came when he could as often as he could. I sat there, day after day after day, watching their monitors as alarms went off when their hearts would stop or they would have apnea episodes...it was my heart jumping out of my skin in fear that these lives that God had given me would not know the world outside this hospital. They would never know the love of their brother, who at that time was 18 months old. I would spend hours pleading with God that if I could "just get them out of here and home...I promise...." I'll save the rest of the story for another time, but I think that gives you a pretty good picture of how they arrived into our lives.
When they finally got home....Kory was anything but pleased....and during that season of our lives...I began to loose "me". The "who" I was in Christ...what my purpose was...I wasn't in the Word...I felt too busy and just assumed that God would understand. But along with the absence of His word...I stopped praying like I had...my relationship with my Heavenly Father was put on hold...by me! The bottom continued to fall out for the next year. (Multiple sinus reconstruction surgeries, Peri-Partum Cardiomyopathy, Laproscopy for adhesion's, Fiddle Back spider bite on my ear that almost took my entire ear...oh yea...and it just kept going)When I was at the bottom...the deepest point...the girls first birthday came (August 19), which is an honor to share with them. They arrived on my 35th birthday. Daren threw an amazing party for his girls. It was perfect. I put on the happy face...we all dressed in the same color...took lots of "happy pictures" (Thank you again Shawna for that most amazing gift. I'll always treasure those pictures!). We laughed, sang, blew out candles, ate cake, smiled some more....and then it was time to go home. The mask came off and life resumed it's "normal course of destruction" for the Cole family. I was still "too busy" to devote time to God. Surely He would understand... or so I thought.
With a jolt of reality when my nephew unexpectedly passed away from a very tragic accident at the nursery in church...I saw my ENTIRE family shaken to the core. To watch my brother endure every parents worst nightmare and yet at Major's funeral put one hand on that precious tiny casket and his other hand stretched out towards God, shared with everyone all the reasons in his heart that "God is Good". Wow! The way they raised their hands towards heaven during the songs that we sang with tears streaming down their faces. I could do no more. I realized that my relationship with the Lord was nowhere near that of my brother or his wife. If something like that were to happen at this point, I'm telling you....I haven't had that intimate relationship with God that would carry me through a valley of such darkness. The pain that I have carried in my heart since that dark November day is just too much for words right now. All I can say is that it is a great pain that has driven me right into the chest of God. I had nowhere else to go...no one that I could share all my feelings and questions with...I had no one there in the middle of the night when I woke with tears and anger towards God for allowing this to happen to someone I love so much.
Since I ran back into the shelter of the Almighty...my life has started to change. I know God...I mean...I know that I know that I know where I am going when this life has ended. He is active and living in my life. He continues to this day to remove that in me which is not of Him and refine those areas into a vessel that He can use for His glory and to share of His never ending love. It's a painful journey at times, and there are days where I feel like it's no use to do this.....but instead of sitting there in silence and just "feeling" those feelings, I am giving them to God. He takes those feelings and works with me through them. The progress at times comes out in poems or songs or just rants that consist of not even near the correct words to describe what He is doing in me. A lot like this post...it's jumbled up with so much...but these are things that I just can't leave out. It's all part of the story....His story...how He took the "perfect prodigal child" and transformed her into a child of God. This is HIS work, not my own.
My goal on Monday was to have a "New ME by Friday"...and today, it's Thursday. THURSDAY! Well, I'll fall tremendously short of that goal...but I am making an effort. I am attempting to show more patience towards the kids. With the patience that God has extended me over the years, I need to practice that very patience with them. I am giving them time. I am observing them so I can know them better. I realized that Ashley, though she doesn't have a huge vocabulary for 19 months old, she is very, very smart at putting things together and taking them apart..her fine motor skills amaze me. She is like a sponge...anything you show her or tell her she pretty much will remember. She REALLY likes to be held and part of ALL of your attention and time. Then, there is Meggie (aka...Megan...Little "M"...Slim....) that girl is just joy to the tips of her toes. She is happy! She has an infectious giggle to her that contains at least one large "snort". You can't help but smile. She likes to be funny...she is the dancer...the pretender...she is an entertainer...she doesn't need to be entertained. These are MY kids, whom I am BLESSED to get to be with 24/7....and these are things I just realized!! Realized by taking time...no, giving them the time they deserve as my children....it has been precious!
So, it's Thursday night, almost 11:00 p.m. Friday is here in one hour and I am not even close to a "new me"...but ya know what...I'm giving myself an "A" for effort. I am not ever going to be perfect....I'll fail...I'll fall short...I'll still say things that I probably shouldn't...but I am living in the Light of God...He is my Point of Reference...My Steady...My Rock...My Continual Friend.... I'll keep being me and He'll keep loving me....that just makes me want to try harder to bring Him glory!
I had a teachable moment with God that day that has forever changed my heart! First of all just in awe that He spoke to me. Second, he cares and loves me far more than I think I realized. With all that has happened in the last three years, I will admit, I began to wonder if He was aware of what all was happening.
Our life could truly have been a 'made for TV movie'. It was craziness. It was sorrow. It was loss. It was poor health. It was heart conditions...labor complications....kidney stones....premature birth of twin girls at 31 weeks...it was 9 more weeks in the NICU in Plano, TX(2 hours from Tyler) because we had no Level III NICU here in Tyler at the time (Now, there is...just opened...ahhhh!!). Kory was in Oklahoma bouncing around from my parents to Daren's mom. Daren had to return to work and came when he could as often as he could. I sat there, day after day after day, watching their monitors as alarms went off when their hearts would stop or they would have apnea episodes...it was my heart jumping out of my skin in fear that these lives that God had given me would not know the world outside this hospital. They would never know the love of their brother, who at that time was 18 months old. I would spend hours pleading with God that if I could "just get them out of here and home...I promise...." I'll save the rest of the story for another time, but I think that gives you a pretty good picture of how they arrived into our lives.
When they finally got home....Kory was anything but pleased....and during that season of our lives...I began to loose "me". The "who" I was in Christ...what my purpose was...I wasn't in the Word...I felt too busy and just assumed that God would understand. But along with the absence of His word...I stopped praying like I had...my relationship with my Heavenly Father was put on hold...by me! The bottom continued to fall out for the next year. (Multiple sinus reconstruction surgeries, Peri-Partum Cardiomyopathy, Laproscopy for adhesion's, Fiddle Back spider bite on my ear that almost took my entire ear...oh yea...and it just kept going)When I was at the bottom...the deepest point...the girls first birthday came (August 19), which is an honor to share with them. They arrived on my 35th birthday. Daren threw an amazing party for his girls. It was perfect. I put on the happy face...we all dressed in the same color...took lots of "happy pictures" (Thank you again Shawna for that most amazing gift. I'll always treasure those pictures!). We laughed, sang, blew out candles, ate cake, smiled some more....and then it was time to go home. The mask came off and life resumed it's "normal course of destruction" for the Cole family. I was still "too busy" to devote time to God. Surely He would understand... or so I thought.
With a jolt of reality when my nephew unexpectedly passed away from a very tragic accident at the nursery in church...I saw my ENTIRE family shaken to the core. To watch my brother endure every parents worst nightmare and yet at Major's funeral put one hand on that precious tiny casket and his other hand stretched out towards God, shared with everyone all the reasons in his heart that "God is Good". Wow! The way they raised their hands towards heaven during the songs that we sang with tears streaming down their faces. I could do no more. I realized that my relationship with the Lord was nowhere near that of my brother or his wife. If something like that were to happen at this point, I'm telling you....I haven't had that intimate relationship with God that would carry me through a valley of such darkness. The pain that I have carried in my heart since that dark November day is just too much for words right now. All I can say is that it is a great pain that has driven me right into the chest of God. I had nowhere else to go...no one that I could share all my feelings and questions with...I had no one there in the middle of the night when I woke with tears and anger towards God for allowing this to happen to someone I love so much.
Since I ran back into the shelter of the Almighty...my life has started to change. I know God...I mean...I know that I know that I know where I am going when this life has ended. He is active and living in my life. He continues to this day to remove that in me which is not of Him and refine those areas into a vessel that He can use for His glory and to share of His never ending love. It's a painful journey at times, and there are days where I feel like it's no use to do this.....but instead of sitting there in silence and just "feeling" those feelings, I am giving them to God. He takes those feelings and works with me through them. The progress at times comes out in poems or songs or just rants that consist of not even near the correct words to describe what He is doing in me. A lot like this post...it's jumbled up with so much...but these are things that I just can't leave out. It's all part of the story....His story...how He took the "perfect prodigal child" and transformed her into a child of God. This is HIS work, not my own.
My goal on Monday was to have a "New ME by Friday"...and today, it's Thursday. THURSDAY! Well, I'll fall tremendously short of that goal...but I am making an effort. I am attempting to show more patience towards the kids. With the patience that God has extended me over the years, I need to practice that very patience with them. I am giving them time. I am observing them so I can know them better. I realized that Ashley, though she doesn't have a huge vocabulary for 19 months old, she is very, very smart at putting things together and taking them apart..her fine motor skills amaze me. She is like a sponge...anything you show her or tell her she pretty much will remember. She REALLY likes to be held and part of ALL of your attention and time. Then, there is Meggie (aka...Megan...Little "M"...Slim....) that girl is just joy to the tips of her toes. She is happy! She has an infectious giggle to her that contains at least one large "snort". You can't help but smile. She likes to be funny...she is the dancer...the pretender...she is an entertainer...she doesn't need to be entertained. These are MY kids, whom I am BLESSED to get to be with 24/7....and these are things I just realized!! Realized by taking time...no, giving them the time they deserve as my children....it has been precious!
So, it's Thursday night, almost 11:00 p.m. Friday is here in one hour and I am not even close to a "new me"...but ya know what...I'm giving myself an "A" for effort. I am not ever going to be perfect....I'll fail...I'll fall short...I'll still say things that I probably shouldn't...but I am living in the Light of God...He is my Point of Reference...My Steady...My Rock...My Continual Friend.... I'll keep being me and He'll keep loving me....that just makes me want to try harder to bring Him glory!
We'll never be a perfect family...but in Him is where we rest.....
John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do NOTHING."
John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do NOTHING."
Metamusic: Sleeping Through The Rain - Matthew Sigmon, Julie Anderson
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1 comment:
Hey Ms. Kristi,
I can't tell you how many times in my short little life as a Christian the first piece of "dead weight" I have thrown over board during a storm is God...That's just like us though, isn't it? As people we just don't get it...when we're looking through the eyes of the world, all it appears to be is reading and praying with little result.
One of the most important lessons I've ever learned though is that silence is a much better teacher than immediate response; it shows you what you're made of; it separates the men from the boys, if you will. It is what we do when we have to wait on God that exposed the true nature of our hearts.
And you don't need to become a "new you" by Friday because you were already made a new creation in Christ - composed into something the likes of which the world has never seen before and never will again. You don't need to be a new you, just a faithful you. And you're well on your way. I have faith that you'll see dramatic changes much sooner than you think.
In Christ,
haley <><
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