Terribly Trying Two's ~ Squared

Oh my!! If you have ever wished or prayed for twins...I'm not here to talk you out of your wishes and dreams of the blissful blessing of two small bundles of life that you pray and hope to welcome into your life. To welcome into your world. But, today, I'm going to give you a small window into my day. Twin girls ~ 2 years old and a four year old.

Kory: "Mommy! Can we go to the train store? Grandma always takes me to the train store?"

Mommy: "Baby, I wish we could, but mommy can't do that right now"

Kory: "But Grandma said I'm the favorite and I should get one today"

Mommy: "Sweetheart, we have no favorites. You and your sissy's are all my favorites. One no more than another"

Kory: "No! I'm favorite and I hear the train that is taking me to Grandma's house, I'm leaving"

Mommy: "But K-Bob, that would make mommy's heart super sad"

Kory: "Well, you will just have to get happy again. That's my train I hear. Gotta go"

(**This is where I dash to the door and pandemonium hits.....)

The girls only hear the word "go" and they are scrambling around looking for shoes, socks, jackets, my purse, their diaper bag and start pounding at the door. The word "go" is all they need to hear and they want to go for a ride.

So, I'm trying to de-shoe them and de-coat them and settle the troops down...when Missy shows us...."TA DA....HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!!" So, we load up and head to the mall so the kids can play in the play area.

This proved to be a small distraction until they realized that they could escape the play area....divide and conquer. We did it though...with only a few small melt downs....pictures to follow.

But now, the "Terrible Two's Squared"!! My girls are giving me a run for my money, my sanity, and the length of time I can laugh without a bladder problem. They are precious and there is not a thing in the world I would trade for their gift to my life.....but the terrible two's....they are testing me.

If you are a mom of one child and it's a fairy tale (like it was for me when I had Kory)...great child, terrible two's are tolerable, husband around to help, MOPS, play dates....it all seems so easy looking back. Then, they came. Like a bolt of lightening out of the sky, the news rocked my world for weeks to come. Twins....what was I going to do with twins. After telling Daren, his trite but meaningful response was "Good job!! Two can't be more work than one" Oooooooooo has he had to take that statement back on a number of days.

Two toddlers, with nothing in common, with will's as strong as steel. It is a battle zone I've never witnessed before. It cracks me up the way they taunt each other and push each other's buttons to the point of total melt down. I've got a spitter a kicker and a screamer. It can get really really fun....TRYING TO SURVIVE. :)

So, I do know a few mom's that would be perfect mothers of multiples...my sister in law Darcy, her sister in law Kathy....and a few others.....but for the "cute" that you think you are getting, you had better prepare your arsenal and be prepared to jump right in the middle of a cat fight at any given moment.

They keep life real....and I'm eternally grateful that God has blessed, blessed, blessed me with each of my children....it's just some days....I ask Him..."What in the world where/are you thinking???" (BIG SMILE!!!)

Enjoy the pictures!!!!

This Group Tantrum....always a high light of my day

Pieces of Joy & Sadness

Joy and sadness.

How can one heart feel so full of both? I don't know, but that is where I find myself. Broken pieces of what "was" glued together to embrace what "is".

JOY!!! My sweet babies come home tomorrow! I can not wait to see them...to tackle them with love and laughter and to fill this house back up with the sounds of their precious voices!!!

SADNESS!!! It is so difficult to "live" on the days they aren't here. It's not "life", it's just survival...filling time up with stuff so that the pain of their absence is lessened. So the quiet ~ well, it's just not "quiet". I sleep with the light on, not because I'm afraid of the dark, but because for some reason I don't feel so alone with it on.

These past four days have been more difficult. More things in life going on and not really in the direction that I want them to. I'm learning more and more about people and this life around me. Who I can trust and who I can't....and those still in question. I've realized that some people don't take you at your word and honor your feelings...and that hurts. I feel like slowly I'm putting bricks up that are forming a wall around my heart. To me, right now, that's fine. My heart is full and 100% for my babies. I just don't want to become jaded or hardened towards others during this season of life.

When friends betray you, use you for their gain, I feel the hurt in my heart. My life is not a soap-opera...it's not for people to poke fun at and take lightly. I'm at a terribly hurtful place in life right now. A place I didn't ask to be at, but again, find myself standing in wonder at what is taking place. I hate it. I hate it so much!!

I hate the hurt ~ I hate the loneliness ~ I hate the choice that's been made for me to be where I am at.

I have to find a way to embrace this new life. I have to stop the worry about what tomorrow might bring. I have to take the pieces of joy and sadness and hand them over to God so that something truly beautiful comes out of this and trust Him fully that He is in control.

In His Grip~

"Shattered Dreams" ~ Larry Crabb

"A Hell of Mercy" ~ Chapter 13

"God's restraint has a purpose. When He appears to be doing nothing, He is doing something we've not yet learned to value and therefore cannot see. Only in the agony of what we seem to see as the absence of His presence, will we relax our determined grip of our empty selves enough to appreciate His purposes.

He could do something.Yet He does nothing, at least not what we ask Him to do. Why? To deepen our desire for HIS Presence, to strengthen our passion to PURSUE HIM, to help us see how preoccupied we are with filling our God-shaped souls with something less than God.

Only when we want Him as we want nothing else will there develop in our hearts a space large enough for Him to fill. Because He longs to fill us, He hides His face long enough for us to discover how fervently and exclusively we want Him. When our discovery creates a secret space that nothing else can fill, and when we KNOW that to be TRUE, He enters.

Through pain of shattered dreams, God is awakening us to the possibility of infinite pleasure. That is the nature of our journey; it's what the Spirit is doing. When we understand THAT, we'll define "doing well" on this journey very differently than before......"

My FaceBook Friends Have Asked...

Dear Friends,

I can’t begin to tell you how overwhelmingly humble I am at the length of time that you have stood by my side. Praying when I can’t find words, encouraging me to stand when I feel like falling. Providing when I have nothing to give. I am devastated at the pain that courses through my veins at what is going on between Daren and I. Sometimes I wish and pray that I didn’t care like he doesn’t. But, that’s not who I am. I’m not one to turn my back on commitments or vows. I believe in fighting for the good, and fighting off the bad. Others, just give up on both accounts.

Earlier this week when the news of not being approved on the duplex that I had found brought me down. Like I said before, I long for the day where the ways of the world don’t move me ~ I long to stand firm and not be shaken. Most of you don’t know the valley I’ve been in for the past 3 years. Every part of my heart longs for the summit, where I can just enjoy the simplicities of life. I don’t want “things”, for they don’t last. I want to be consumed with God, joy, peace, unconditional love, kindness, patience. I want to be consumed with His passion and not my own.

Since 20 weeks into the pregnancy with the twins, I’ve had to fight for life, and that fight hasn’t stopped even to this day. We almost lost Megan at one point, but for her, I couldn’t move inside her and fight for her, though I prayed that God would heal her and he did. I had to fight for my own life when my heart just couldn’t keep up and has grown weak. To this day, it is weak. I tire, catching a full breath is tasking. I’ve had 5 major surgeries with complications. Major, oh Major, Aunt Kristi misses your sweet life every day. I don’t understand why God chose to take you back into His arms at the tender age of 15 months. I look at Ashley and I see you in her. I dream, and I see you in Heaven with the babies that I lost between the birth of Kory and the twins. I see you running whole and happy ~ but sweet boy, I want you here. Your Mommy and Daddy want you here. Aside from losing Daren ~ losing you is the greatest pain.

Those of you that have known me for years, know the person of character that I am. You know I’m not perfect and that I’ve made mistakes, but you know the heart that dwells within me. I just need a place.
In His Grip,
Kristi Cole

In His Perfect Peace

Isaiah 26:3
“You will keep him in PERFECT peace

whose mind is STAYED on YOU,

because he trusts YOU”

Perfect peace. Not something that I walk in 24/7, but a place I strive to arrive at. Perfect peace, peace that the wicked can not steal nor will ever know without a true and full knowledge of who God is and what His Scriptures teach about walking a life with Him. I long for the day where I am not moved by situations, circumstances, and people around me. I long for the day where the negative of this world is one thing that I can pray about and one thing less that influences my attitude or spirit.

In the valley, it can be so overwhelming to keep that perfect peace. Today, all I could do is look towards Heaven and pray, continually, and He instilled within me His perfect peace. When my mind would float back to all the “if’s, and’s, or but’s” I would immediately feel my spirit within me grow weary and peace drift away.

This journey in the valley right now is going to be shortened. I’m going to make a detour to the top by keeping my focus on Him. Following His lead and moving to the beat of His heart and not my own.

Sure, many will question me and accuse me. I would love to follow that statement with “I really don’t care”, but that is a lie. I do care. For out of my mouth comes truth. I haven’t always lived this way, but for a while now, I have, and trust me, it’s a much better way of life. Since 2004, I can honestly say that I have tried my best to seek the Lord. I have changed many of my ways. Sure, the devil in his scheming has tried relentlessly to sidetrack me with various situations. I may have stumbled on some of them, but I did not fall out of the grip of my Saviors Grace! He forever held me in those times tightly to His chest as any parent would do for a child in pain ~ physically or emotionally.

I am far from perfect. I’m not perfect in anything. But my desire is to grow more and more into His likeness daily. With my words, actions, and deeds.

Today, God opened a door and I will never ever forget it. I have found a home for the kids and I to live in so we can stand on our own. The application has been submitted and I am waiting on approval from the owners. The property management office should call tomorrow (Friday) afternoon to let me know. Your prayers for approval and favor would be MUCH appreciated!!!

Is it a palace? No. Is it in a bad area? No. It’s perfect. It’s just what I need to provide for my kids. The girls have their own room, Kory has his room, and Mommy has her room.

So, with heaviness in my heart, but peace in my mind, I will know that I did all I can during this 10 month adventure since Daren lost his job due to the economy. I will know that I pursued God and Daren as the lovers of my soul. God is still with me. Daren, is not. I made a vow to Daren that in my heart and mind I will not break. But, to provide for the kids, I have to move forward. I can’t wait any longer by living with other people until Daren finds a job that is the perfect job in his eyes.

A dear friend of mine, Tina, her husband lost his job on Monday. Today, he went and applied at Office Max and starts later this week. He swallowed his pride to provide for his family. I don’t understand why Daren won’t do that.

I have a job. I will be working at Kohl’s on the days that I do not have the kids to help off set some of the expenses that state assistance does not provide. I don’t mind doing that at all. If it means that I can keep my kids out of day care and with me, I will do what it takes to make this happen. I am also going to take some courses from the local vo-tech to get my medical coding certificate, which prayerfully, will allow me to work from home down the road.

I can’t sit and wait, nor do I believe in my heart, mind, or body, that God wants me to sit and wait for Him to drop something in my lap. There are times in life that I believe He does that, but He does that to those that exercise their will to follow Him and live according to His word.

I pray that my children will not be torn over any of this. I pray that they will see their home with me and their home at Grandma Gayle’s with Daddy as safe loving homes that desire the best for them. I can’t wait to get in there and decorate and put our home together and make it OVERFLOWING with God’s love, PEACE, & joy!!! It’s been so long.

There are many people that have (& continue to) prayed for me & help me get to where I am today….and to merely say thank you seems too simple. My deepest gratitude to each and every one of you who have shown support through prayer, words of uplifting encouragement, and financial support. I would not be here today had you not followed the promptings of the Holy Spirit to take time to call, write, pray, email….the list goes on and on.

I pray abundant, OVERFLOWING, blessings out of the hands of God to you and your families. May a hedge of protection be over you in all things in all ways. I love you; yes love you, each and every one!! Your part in our story will be known to each of the children by letters I have tucked away for them to read in the future. I want them to see mommy’s heart during this should anything happen where the Lord calls me home before they are old enough to understand themselves. They mean the world to me. I may have stumbled as a good mom in the beginning due to serious medical conditions, but now, I’m all about being the mommy God intended me to be.

Dear Lord, I love you and lift Your Name in praise…for in You, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My gaze will forever be upon the cross and may I kneel there and seek you daily. I am so undeserving of Your endless love…but accept it and value it as a pirate finds lost treasure! Thank You for being there for me after all these years and for loving me. I can’t wait to get deep in Your word and study more of who You are so that one day, I can share with others on a higher platform of Your love and grace!! You are awesome!!!

Your Daughter!
Kristi

Someday

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

I Was Here

You will notice me
I'll be leavin' my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree
you wait and see
maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
maybe I'll paint like Van Gough,
cure the common cold
i don't know but I'm ready to start cuz i know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do somethin better, with the time i've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

I will prove you wrong
if you think im all talk, your in for a shock
cuz this streams too strong, and before too long
maybe i'll compose symphonies
maybe i'll fight for world peace
cuz i know it's my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this
place

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do somethin better, with the time i've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

And i know that i, i will do more than just pass through this life
i'll leave nothin less that somethin that says i was here, i was here, i
was here, i was here

Wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says i was here
wanna do somethin that matters
somethin that says i was here, i was here

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

[1st Chorus]

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

[2nd Chorus 2x]

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

[2nd Chorus 2x]

And It Was....

It was a good Christmas! I can't say "great" because, well, the obvious. Daren and I are still not together.

I found myself flipping through last year (2008) Christmas pictures. We stayed home in Tyler as a family. It was wonderful. It was a Christmas I will always cherish!! In 2007, the girls were 4 months old and Megan was admitted Christmas day to the hospital for RSV. So, that was a difficult Christmas.

I don't understand what's going on to be perfectly honest. I can't find words to express how frustrating it is to have to compete for your own husband....and it's not even over another woman...it's over 5! The woman in his mother's family....including his mom. They all seem so bitter or angry...they always have for years. (though I was so thankful that she did speak to me today for the first time...maybe that's a good sign)

Today was no different when I dropped the kids off.

They had been playing in the snow earlier in the day and their coats and shoes were really wet from that. So, I put dry clothes and socks on them and loaded them up to take them to Daren for his four days. I got Ashley out of the car first and made the long trek up to the door and rang the door bell. His Aunt answered the door, realized who it was, then shut it in my face. Classy. If it had just been me, I would think I could understand (or at least tolerate it a little better), but I was holding a child...a two year old none the less.

This all goes in line with my concern towards what they are exposed to as far as attitudes and words spoken in ill will against me when there. It hurts. It's painful to hear your children repeat words that they have heard about you.

I've done all that I can do. I am just heart broken over this.... But, I know that God is my strength. He is the person that will heal this broken heart and restore my soul. I still believe a miracle can happen in my marriage. I pray Daren will believe this some day too.

Until then, four days "on", four days "off"...but I don't ever consider time away from them as "off" ~ because they are in my heart 24/7 and on my mind. Not a second goes by that my arms don't long for them to be with me. When they're gone....a part of me is gone with them.

My Babies....

I am getting the kids back today at 4:00!! I know it's not a huge post...but I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! It will be four days of paper, presents, giggles, kisses, hugs, lovin, and sweet Christmas memories!!

Oh how my heart wishes and prayers throughout the day that Daren would come around. Jan's (Daren's step mom) dad's funeral was today. I had no idea. I had asked him to let me know when it was so that I could go. Today, when he called on the way back he said he didn't ask me because he didn't think I had ever met him?!?! In 18 years....seriously? Ugh! I'm so sad that things have changed so drastically since last Christmas!!!

Next week, one of my dearest and closest friends, Debe, will be at Broken Bow Lake in Southeastern Oklahoma!!!! I'm so excited to go visit them for a couple of days! Their marriage has been through a lot too. They also, like Daren and I, had been previously married to each other and then got back together and remarried. They are God loving/serving people. Debe was my OB's nurse in Tyler and a continual gift in my life and the life of our children!!! I can't wait to see you Debe!!! I love and miss you all so much!!!!

Christmas pictures later this week!!! I'll try to hold back and publish just the minimum ~ but those of you who know me... know that is difficult for me... so just indulge me.

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!!! If you would like the Christmas card picture of the kids, leave a comment on this post with your address and I will get them mailed out! Late, I know...but better late then never???

In His Grip!

~ From Our Family To Yours ~ Merry Christmas! ~

Light Your World

Two doors down one rocking chair is rocking
She sits there all alone, her husband dead and gone
The best years of her life they spent together
He was always strong, but now she's on her own
And the telephone never rings
No one laughs, no one sings
It's quiet there
Does anyone care?

(Chorus) Light your world
Let the love of God shine through
In the little things you do
Light your world
And though your light may be
Reaching only two or three
Light your world

A knocking at her door breaks the silence
She looks out to see a little boy from down the street
She cracks the door, surprised that he came over
Flowers in his hand like a little gentleman
He said, 'I picked these just for you
I hope you like the color blue
Could I stay a while
I love to see you smile.'

(Repeat Chorus) Light your world
Let the love of God shine through
In the little things you do
Light your world
And though your light may be
Reaching only two or three
Light your world

It only takes a little time
To show someone how much you care
It only takes a little time
To answer someone's biggest prayer

(Repeat Chorus)

Our Faithful God ~ Billy Graham

The amazing Billy Graham wrote a short note in a book I recently picked up regarding our prayers and God's answers to them ~ excerpt from "God's Love For You ~ Hope & Encouragement For Life" ~

"One of the most frequent questions people ask me concerns unanswered prayers. "God must be deaf," someone bluntly wrote me. "My prayers never get above the ceiling," another wrote. But GOD knows what is best for us, and we need to LEARN to TRUST HIM for the outcome. Sometimes God answers "Yes" when we ask Him for something. But sometimes His answer is "Not Yet", or even "No". And sometimes His answer is simply, "TRUST ME, EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND".'

"Ruth's father, Dr. Bell, always kept a list of people for whom he was praying. After his death Ruth found one of his prayer lists ("Mostly illegible", she commented; "you know how doctors write") On it was a specific concern about one of our children. Not until five years AFTER his death was that prayer answered ~ a VIVID reminder of God's faithfulness in answering prayer according to HIS TIMETABLE, not ours"

(emphasis in above excerpt is mine)

I have a myriad of stories from my own life's journey where God has indeed answered prayers according to His timetable. When I was 23 weeks along with the twins pregnancy and Megan was diagnosed with having a dilated ventricle in her brain and water/blood on her brain ~ we prayed and prayed!! Upon their arrival, which was a heart wrenching 9 weeks early, the situation in her brain increased in severity. While in the NICU in Plano, Texas we were counseled by different therapist on Megan's condition that would more than likely lead to cerebral palsy and her not being able to walk or talk.

Three months after they came home, we returned to Presbyterian Hospital in Plano Texas for a follow up scan on her little brain ~ a long 2 hour drive from where we were living at the time in Tyler. The drive there was painful to my heart. My sweet Megan did not respond like her twin Ashley to stimulation. She had the "lights out" look on her precious face since birth...a blank stare.




As we drove home, I found myself asking God "Why Meggie"? We almost lost her twice in the NICU. Once we were told that we could lose her in the next 24 hours due to Necrotizing Entercolitis ~ a very serious and often deadly condition that preemies get. God answered our prayers and saved her life!!









As we continued our drive home we came upon a HORRIBLE storm. The sky turned black, the winds began to blow, blinding rain and hail the size of golf balls started to pummel the van. Just then the phone rang and it was Dr. Barret, our pediatrician in Tyler. The radiologist had called him with the results. They were amazed almost to the point of questioning if they had scanned the right twin. The dilation in her brain returned to normal and all traces of blood and water had resolved!!! It was/is a miracle.

SEVEN months....SEVEN LONG MONTHS after her diagnosis...God healed her. Today, she is a walking talking running joy filled two year old who seems to know the blessing God bestowed upon her and her precious life.


I'm saying this for two reasons #1) right now, I need to remind myself of this!! I've been praying for my marriage to be restored since it fell apart in September leading to Daren and I separating. God will have His victory ~ though I have no idea when. #2) I have so many people that are dear to me in my life that are finding themselves on a long journey and waiting upon the Lord. I want to remind them, as well as myself, that God hears our every prayer. He will carry each and every one of us through the valley. The Lord is our Shepherd!

~ Psalm 23 ~

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

God loves me. God loves you! We are HIS children. As parents, which one of us would not provide the absolute BEST for our children ~ would we settle to provide for them less? God wouldn't either and though in the valley it can be hard to remember that....together we can encourage each other.

I love each and every one of you!!

In His Grip!!!!

The Life I Planned

The Life I Planned
By ~ Beth Moore~ “Things Pondered”

Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems to be misplaced
I’ve looked in every corner
It’s lost without a trace.

I’ve found one I don’t recognize
Things missing that were dear.
Promises I’d hoped to keep
And dreams I’d dreamed aren’t here.

Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent from the pictures
Not the way I told.

Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard Him say

“Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you could dream.

“You long to walk by sight
But I’m teaching eyes to see.
I know what I am doing
Till then, you must believe.”

He’s done so much, I feel ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I’d trade in all He’s done
For plans made on my own.

I wept over His faithfulness
And how He’d proved Himself
How He’d gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,

“No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans You have for me
Are more than I could dream.

“Yes, I long to walk by sight
But You’re teaching eyes to see
You know what You are doing
Till then I must believe.”

I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed to me my gains.

I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.

I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the One
Who will not let me fall.

Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you checked on every shelf?

Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans He has for you
Are more than you could dream.

Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He’s teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.


“No eye has seen, nor ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love HIM.” 1 Corinthians 2:9

A Special Week Wtih My Favorite People~

The Birthday Party for Lillian and Kory at Hide-A-Way!!

We appeared to have taken over the back 2/3 of the place!

My Birthday Boy~ Kory!!

I can hardly believe you are 4!!!!

I know it's been a tough year...but always know how much mommy loves, LOVES, loves, YOU!!!

Let's see....long story...short...

The candles were lit twice....we missed the photo op the first round due to

VERY excited wishing!

Me and the girls!!!

Oh Noel...how my heart was changed the first moment I got to hold you!! I can't believe how precious you are!!! You mean the world to me and I can't wait to have fun!!! I love you precious baby girl!!!

My 4 Precious Nieces!!!!
My Brother ~ Dave (acting...well, like Dave!!! lol) and His PRECIOUS Wife Darcy!!

Their love is an inspiration!!!

Aunt Darcy Reading to The Girls!

Ah!! My Little Tom Boy~ Ashley!!

My "Big Brother" Dave ~ Noel ~ & Aunt Kristi

We all loaded up for a trip to see Great, Great Aunt Marie ~Nana Joyce (my mother) baked cookies, the girls decorated, we went and sang. Marie has Alzheimer ~ It was like we never even met....
Pure CHAOS!!! All 7 had a ball together!!! (missing those not with us all the while ~ but rejoicing that they are all in Heaven playing together....my 4 and precious Major!)
Dave and Noel

Darcy is my role model and mentor...she is a precious gift in my life and I'm forever thankful for the blessing and continual gift she is to me!!!
Aunt Kristi & Marin!
Ah!!! The excitement of a little one ~ my girls were amazed by Noel!!
ABC Family had a ton of Christmas Classics on.... they all watched in wonder ~ we parents got to breathe!! :0)
Marin, Noel, and my Meg!!

I Loved You Then

Pain touches everyone
Heartache falls on every heart
And all of us go through the storm
It doesn't matter who you are
And you're up against the wind
And you feel you've just lost your way
Listen to me say...

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, I loved you then

Time changes everything
Moments fly by like the wind
You can try to hold on so tight
But you'll never get time back again
You feel stuck with your mistakes
Can't turn anything around
And it seems there's no way out

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, I loved you then

I won't let you go, not even for a minute
So don't lose hope
Pain touches everyone
Heartache falls on every heart

I loved you then, I love you now
I will love you tomorrow
When this world breaks you down
I will give you strength to stand
Look to me, take my hand and just believe
Before this day ever began, Before this day ever began,
I loved you then, I loved you then

If They Only Knew

If they only knew, would they act differently? Would their love extend and would they welcome with open arms the very one they cast out of their lives?

The Christmas Shoes

it was almost christmas time, there
i stood in another line
tryin' to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the christmas mood
standing right in front of me was a
little boy waiting anxiously
pacing ‘round like little boys do
and in his hands he held a pair of shoes
his clothes were worn and old, he was
dirty from head to toe
and when it came his time to pay
i couldn't believe what i heard him say

chorus:
sir, i want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
it's christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
you see mom's been sick for quite a while
and i know these shoes would make her smile
and i want her to look beautiful if mama meets jesus tonight

he counted pennies for what seemed like years
then the cashier said, son, there's not enough here
he searched his pockets frantically
then he turned and he looked at me
he said mama made christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without
tell me sir what am i going to do,
somehow i've got to buy her these christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

chorus

bridge:
i knew i'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
as he thanked me and ran out
i knew that god had sent that little boy
to remind me just what christmas is all about

chorus

Prayer for Lindsey & Link to Her Blog

Clicking on the above picture will introduce you to Lindsey. Her sister, Ashley Poston Nelson, was our pediatrician's nurse in Tyler and a truly sweet woman of God. Lindsey's cancer has come back and I truly feel the urge and direction from God to share this with you and ask you to pray for her and her sweet family.

I still don't know why things like this happen, but I do know (more and more every day) about the God that I love and serve. He will never leave us or fore sake us~He is with us always~til the very end of our days. Her faith has encouraged me to strengthen my own faith regarding issues in my life.

In the quiet of days recently, I began to wonder where God was. If I am pursing Him and seeking His will, why aren't things changing for the better? But, I came to realize as I looked over the past few years, that there are a number of seasons in life where I have not obtained an answer from Him as to His reasoning's for allowing such things to happen. Most of those difficult seasons have passed and gone ~ but HE still remains. Ever loving ~ Ever compassionate ~ and NEVER abandoning.

"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; we are perplexed, but NOT in despair." 2 Corinthians 4:8

NOT in despair. His word promises us the He will be with us and we will not be crushed. I know the weight of this world can seem so heavy at times that it's hard to lift a foot or take a breath, but it's at that moment He is beckoning to us to come to Him for shelter and refuge from the storms of life here on earth. One day, there will come a day where there will be no more pain or suffering ~ no more tears ~ Knowing God as our personal Savior, He PROMISES us that! It's a gift that is ours for the taking ~ reach out and hold on. If I can, YOU can. We can walk through the valley's together and rejoice in numbers on the mountain tops! One day, sorrow and suffering will never touch us again ~ and for me, that is hope.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He WILL wipe away EVERY tear from their eyes. There will be NO more death or mourning or CRYING IN PAIN, for the old order of things has passed away'"

Revelation 21:3-4

God promises us that in Christ, we have hope. HOPE today ~ May those who stumble upon this blog know You Lord. May Your Hand touch their lives ~those in the midst of a difficult journey and those supporting them. May they feel the hope that comes with a peace that surpasses all understanding. May they come to You openly with their tears, with their pain ~ and in You, I pray God, they will find Your perfect will being written in the fabric of their lives. God bless each and every person as we all join to celebrate Jesus' birthday. Thank You for the gift of Your Son!!

In His Grip~

Pictures from Kristi

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Save A Place For Me

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your
shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question
why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with
every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be
there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace
for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most
of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just
like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there
soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

When I Say I Do

Dear Daren,

This song was played tonight at the concert that I took Kory to. I only wish you would have been there with me.

I know you said your mom is not going to allow me to move back into her home so that we can be together, even though you said you have told all of them that we are going to work this out and be together, but, that doesn't mean I'm not going to stop fighting for "us".

I may not have a place to go after the 1st and that doesn't seem to matter much to anyone ~ even to you who should care the most. I will find a way to provide a roof for myself and our children. I know God will provide and I will trust Him, today, tomorrow and every moment to come.

I said "I Do" to you and that is still my commitment. I refuse to throw the towel in when things get rough. "For better or worse"...maybe the past few years have been my "worse" ~ but there is no way that I would turn my back on you during your valley or trying times. I will love you like "Christ Loves the Church". A house divided cannot stand....A HOUSE DIVIDED CANNOT STAND!

With All My Love,

When I say I Do
Matthew West

There must be a God, I believe its true.
Cause I can see His love, when I look at you.
And he must have a plan for this crazy life.
Because He brought you here and placed you by my side.

chorus:
And I have never been so sure of anything before,
Like I am in this momment here with you
Now for better or for worse are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I Say when I say 'I do'

You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up
When the strength you have just aint strong enough
And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell
But I will stand by you in sickness and in health

Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this momment here with you
And now 'for better or for worse'
Are so much more than only words
And I pray every day will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Yeah I mean what I say when I say

Take my hand and take this ring
And know that I will always love you through anything.

And as the years march on like a beating heart
I will live these words 'til death do us part'

Cause I have never been so sure of anything before
Like I am in this moment here with you
And now for better or for worse
Are so much more than only words
And I pray everyday will be the proof
That I mean what I say when I say 'I do'
Ya I mean what I say when I say 'I do'

Considering A Change

Dearest Family & Friends~

Recently, we have discovered that Kory, our 3 year old, has Sensory Processing Disorder.

This has required me to change my thinking on a few things. Possibly shifting the focus of this blog, or creating another one all together, to share our journey through this.

There are a lot of kids who are diagnosed with ADHD when in reality it is Sensory Processing Disorder.

Here are a few definitions that I found on various websites, including some symptoms, that will help those of you who do not know about this, to understand it, and maybe accept children with this disorder with a little more understanding that, they aren't really acting out, they are missing a "link" that helps them process the activities in their environment in a healthy way.

SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER:

Sensory integration is a normal, neurological, developmental process which begins in the womb and continues throughout one’s life. Although, it is important to note, the most influential developmental time is in the first seven years of life. Sensory processing is the process by which our brain takes in sensory input and interprets this information for use. ( http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-dysfunction-symptoms.html )

There are three things that MUST be clear to you and I want to make sure you understand them...

First, a Sensory Integration Disorder is a neurological disorder; not a spoiled child, a product of bad parenting, ADD, ADHD, defiant child or a mental illness! Although, it is important to note, any of these could co-exist with a sensory processing disorder.

Second, we are talking about reactions to specific sensory input. It is about how this input is taken in, organized, and utilized to interpret one's environment and make the body ready to learn, move, regulate energy levels and emotions, interact, and develop properly.

And third, when sensory integration dysfunction symptoms appear, the must be taken seriously as early as possible and treated properly by a knowledgeable professional!
( http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integration-dysfunction-symptoms2.html )

As a mom, I was baffled at some of Kory's actions. His aggressive behavior at school. The way he would cover his ears at the sound of loud noises or the anticipation of them. His lack of looking at you in the eyes upon repetitive asking him to when trying to communicate with him.

Glances we'd get from family, friends, and strangers at the store really made me question what I was doing wrong. I couldn't figure out where my loving little boy had gone...the one who loved all people and treated them with such an unconditional love.

I've realized, he hasn't gone anywhere. As he gets older, he is learning more about communicating his emotions, and since he has difficulty processing those emotions, he can't "correctly" share them and they come out in behavior that others deem "unacceptable".

Please pray for him, that God will work in his precious mind, body, and spirit. Please pray for wisdom for myself, that God would lead me to the right professionals to seek help and to the most accurate literature and support groups.

Our family is still separated. This doesn't help Kory at all. At Grandma Gayle's he is in one environment where anything he wants, he usually gets. Here at Melissa's, it's different. I don't have a cash flow in which to buy him everything he sees or wants. We need to be out of Melissa's by the 1st of the month ~ I don't know where we will go. So, please pray for that as well.

STRUCTURE, consistency, and routine are vitally important to a child with SPD (or you might see it called Sensory Integration Disorder ~ SID). I long, as a mother with unconditional love, to offer this to my children. They are everything to me and my love knows no ends for them!

In His Grip~

Eternity—Reclaiming A Passion For What Endures (Book) - Help For My Life

Eternity—Reclaiming A Passion For What Endures (Book) - Help For My Life

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Tears of Repentance

When you sorrow over sin in your life, remember that God has provided a method of restoration. “If we confess our sins,” He will “forgive us” and “cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). — Cindy Hess Kasper

We’re thankful, Lord, that when we fall
We can begin anew
If humbly we confess our sin,
Then turn and follow You. —Sper

The way back to God begins with a broken heart

"He won't brush aside...."

"He won't brush aside the bruised and the hurt and He won't disregard the small and insignificant, but He'll steadily and firmly set things right. He won't tire out and quit. he won't be stopped until He finished His work ~ to set things right on earth"

Isaiah 42:3-4

Silently I pray.

Daily.

Numerous times a day.

Some days all I can do is pray. For life right now is difficult, as many of you know. But running across this Scripture today was a special gift from God that spoke directly to my heart...."He WON'T brush aside the bruised and the hurt and He WON'T disregard the small and insignificant...." That was all I needed to know for this moment ~ for this day.

He won't leave me or forsake me.

Thank You Lord that You are always there, even when I don't "feel" it. Scripture like this make me aware that You are closer to me than what my earthly mind can comprehend....Thank You!

We've Got Cows!

There are few of you that just know me that will find the validity of this story to be somewhat in question. But, then there are those of you that "know me, know me" and realize that something of this nature would only happen to me.

Monday, November 23, 2009. I've just dropped the girls off at my parents house in South Oklahoma City. My mom watches them on Monday's while Daren and I continue to seek marital counseling in Edmond, which again is North of Oklahoma City.

I'm heading North, minding my own business...decompressing from the hectic morning of getting out the door. Oh wait. It's noon. Did it really take all morning? Well, it felt like it anyway. On to the story.

I'm minding my own business,cruising along in the far left lane (that's where I choose to travel due to the tendency that people seem to lolly gag in any other lane and I am a mom on a mission with little time in my schedule for anyone under the speed limit at all.) In the far right lane there is a truck pulling a cattle trailer. (not a semi, just a regular truck) I notice out of the side of my vision, that something is moving. I look over that way and the trailer attached to the truck is swaying back and forth behind the truck in a crazy way. So, cautiously with my hands at 10 and 2, I watch to see what in the world is going on. Then, out pops a cow. (not a full grown cow, but not a calf, probably about a teenager in cow years ~ Whatever that is) He's not entirely out. Just his front paws, I mean legs and his head. I can see him trying to kick his feet that are still in the trailor.

I, who am about 6 car lengths behind the truck at least, and three lanes over start to try yelling at the dude that his cow is about to "hit the road", literally. As if the guy is going to hear me. I see the guy start to hit his breaks, but Bessie has already successfully removed herself from the moving vehicle and has now, really hit the road.

See, there are some things too strange and crazy that only happen to Kristi. There are a handful of people that will shake there heads while reading this and not question at all that this happened. Melissa, Shawna, Debe, Peggy, Mary, Ruby, Barbara. I just always happen upon the most odd situations.

Now, instead of going to therapy for coping skills in marriage, I was dealing with Bessie and why she decided to jump. That, I will never know. And, that is okay with me. So, I share this moment of silence for Bessie....

P.S. Daren didn't make it to our appointment yesterday due to a migraine, so last night when I was telling him this story...He said " Oh.....right" (like "whatever....there is no way a cow jumped out the back of a trailor!")

A Sweet Memory

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Thank You Jan!

I have another mother in law. I don't know why I haven't talked much about her. She is the quiet strength of the other side of Daren's family.

She has strength, beauty, and a loving heart. I was going through the twins keep sake box tonight and found an email that she sent to me in October 2007. It flooded my eyes with tears. I have now placed it on the door in my room here at Melissa's. I want to share with you a part that she wrote. Her loving words warmed my heart as if she was standing here holding me. I love you Jan. I love Clay (Daren's Dad) and Julie too. (Daren's sister).

Here is a small preview in the days that preceeded this event...You can always count on us for an amazing story of God's faithfulness!!

The phone rang and it was Daren's co-worker and dear friend Lee. His first words were "Kristi, Daren is in the ambulance. He is fine, but he has had a head injury". I feel to the floor as horrid thoughts of terror captured my mind and everything became dark. My emotions drove me to sobs. He went on to to say that a metal post "digger" he was using fell on his head and he passed out and that there was a cut on his head and blood. Lee is an amazing friend of ours and his kind patience with me as I cried and screamed and literally fell apart. I was struck with a thought that I might lose the man that I love. How would I raise our babies alone ~ he is such a huge partner in parenting!!

Since my mom was with me, I called Daren's Dad Clay and step mom Jan. Concern struck both of them to the degree that it did me. See, Daren's brother Robbie died in a car accident some years ago. I know their fear was that they were about to walk down that same road again and that thought can paralyze you.

Jan's email in the days following reads as follows: (thank you Jan)

So it's time for a grandma Cole story. I don't know if you ever met her but if you did, it was towards the end so you didn't get the full effect, but she was one of the strongest women that ever lived. she was extremely honest, forthright, and spoke her mind about things. Nobody or nothing could bet the best of her. She plowed through life with practicality and great spirit. She endured the depression, loss of employment, nursing parents and relatives through final illnesses, loss of a spouse and still had a vital spirit. She was a career woman when it wasn't the thing to do, she never expected to marry and married late in life when it was fashionable and became first time mother at the tender age of 44. She worked hard her entire life -even mowing her own lawn at age 90 in spite of our fussing at her. I'm telling you this because you'll be a Grandma Cole too someday. And tough times like you've faced and are facing will become a part of the family legend. I've been quite sure that it's been your tenacious spirit that got the girls here safely (Jan is the ONLY one who has said that and I hold it in my heart forever~Thank you Jan). And we'll look forward to their first birthday, their first day of school, their first loose tooth and their first prom dress! Kory will become pretty protective of them as he gets older. (Although I'm sure he will complain plenty along the way) I plan to be there when all three graduate college and move out into the world on their own. And we'll talk about what sacrifices you and Daren made to ensure their safe arrival and their bumpy beginning. And be grateful that those days are behind us. Your children will draw strength from those stories for times when they are struggling. And your strength today will inspire their strength int he future. It really does work that way! So hand in there! We're behind you all the way. You're doing a great job handling all that life has thrown at you.don't ever hesitate to call-I may act like a flake on the phone but I'll be listening with my ears and my heart.

Jan

I can't believe that after two years, I found this in their box. There were several others in their from her that flowed with great love and encouragement. Jan, I promised you a few years back, that I wouldn't put our children through a divorce. I remember the email but I can't find it. I know you were concerned because a child that you knew was going through that in his life and you saw the pain he lived and didn't want your grandchildren to go through that. I am not giving up. I am fighting for The Cole family ~ there is a great legacy to leave behind, but that legacy contains stories of the five of us and the three of you and Gayle as well.

Jan, you speak of Grandma Cole's great strength. I agree she endured great suffering and resistance. You though, I believe in my heart you are the strongest in our family and your legacy will always be the one of endurance through pain, loss, and very hard times. You not only are an amazing mother, you are an amazing woman whose strength I will always draw from. Thank you Jan for who you are in my life and in Daren's and the kids. I love you all so much ~ I'm keeping my promise. This will all turn out as God's plan!! We will talk soon!

~ "Be Still" ~ STORYSIDE:B ~

"Be Still". I am sooooo not good at being still. My friend Shawna says that she has seen me sit for more than 30 minutes ONE time in our 15 year friendship. Melissa, my best friend, almost has to force me to sit still.

Especially right now. Being still doesn't seem to be "productive" ... it doesn't seem to materialize anything into being. For example ~ getting our family back together under one roof. My friend on Facebook, David, brought something to my attention today (thank you David) that I do need to keep into perspective. Daren is in his "cave" right now. Men and women think and respond differently. Daren and I are no different. Daren is the silent one and I am the talker. (I know, hard to believe...ha ha...but true).

So today, my prayer is that I find peace and time to "Be Still" and know that God is near. To trust in Him during this season of unrest. And I pray that the skills we are learning in counseling will be easy to tap into when things get a little tense. The breathing skill is NOT easy to learn and apply naturally at the old age of 37. I want to teach my kids to breathe when things they get stressed so that it's not such an effort for them to regulate their thoughts and return to a calm state.

So, now is where I talk to Daren; Daren, I give you today, and any day that you need, to be in your "cave" and do the things that bring you joy and clarity so that when it comes to us, there is joy and anticipation of being together. I'm so sorry if I've pushed. There is a notion I am feeling in my heart from God that there is urgency to become united and that verse that a "house divided cannot stand" keeps running through my mind. I love you. I am here. I will wait and I will love you through every day that is to come. I'm just ready to hold nothing back in loving our family and finding our joy again in the simple blessings that God has given us that maybe we have taken for granted at times. I ask for your grace towards me as I continue to seek God in becoming the wife He would have me be for you. I ask for mercy for the days I fall short. I'm trying ~ with all that is crazy around us ~ every day I get up and try my best. I love you so much! (This song is for you as well babe!) Enjoy your Saturday and hopefully I'll see you at church tomorrow!

In His Grip~

An Update On Our Journey ~ Cole "Style"

Ah!! Another long Monday. A good Monday, but long. Monday's are our counseling in Edmond (about 45 minutes from Norman). I go at 1:00 by myself. Daren meets me there at 4:00 where we are watching a DVD series called "Beyond Consequences" (www.beyondconsequences.com) for an hour. It's a great teaching tool for parents, BUT what is even greater is that the principles you learn about people in general encourage you to view relationships so different, and in my opinion, a better way. Anyway, I love it! Then we have counseling as a couple from 5:00 - 6:00. So, I'm running 100 mph from sunrise to sunset, which I do gladly for the sake of our marriage.

The days do get long though. I enjoy the break between my appointment and when Daren meets me there. It gives me a chance to find a quiet place/or park to "chew" on what she has shared with me. And then shift my thinking towards "us". Kathy is amazing!! She is patient and compassionate and loves us like I can't explain. Her office is such a safe place where sifting through emotions feels comfortable, where at other times in other offices, it didn't.

Right now I am working on some difficult things to process, but easy at the same time. I can see areas of falling short and where that has triggered negative thoughts or behavior in myself or in others. That to me is the easy part. It takes a conscience effort on my part to "re-wire" the thinking in my brain. God has been so faithful though and has blessed me with strength I didn't know I had to truly accomplish this through Him. None of us "like" to find the negative things about us, but being open to them to better your life and that of your family and marriage, makes it "do-able" and exciting at the same time. And sooooooo worth it!! I feel so sorry for those that are stuck in life, miserable & angry in everything and with everyone. I was there for soooo long and am just now stepping out to see the world in a new light.

THE STRESS MODEL (http://www.postinstitute.com/)

I have to share this "stress model" that we have been learning about over the past few weeks. It's amazingly simple that we make it difficult. (that might not make sense ~ I'm trying to say that we tend to think that in order for something to change or work, it has to accompany some difficult procedure or process)

* This simple formula is routinely applied to the most complex cases and situations for new insight and understanding*

~The Stress Model contends: All behavior arises from stress, and between the behavior and stress lie our two primary emotions ~ Love and Fear. It is through understanding our own emotional experience and that of others that we can calm the stress, which will result in diminishing the behavior.

~Only LOVING FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS WILL ARISE FROM THE EMOTION OF LOVE; such as joy, happiness, reciprocity, empathy, conscience, morality, responsibility, and the ability to deeply understand the experience of others.

~Only FEAR-BASED FEELINGS AND BEHAVIORS WILL ARISE FROM THE EMOTION OF FEAR; such are anger, terror, rage, and aggression. We MUST understand that at the deepest core of these strong feelings, it is the PRESENCE OF FEAR that is driving the behavior RATHER THAN THE ANGER.

~Our PERCEPTION OF ANGER in others creates a FEAR REACTION within us which rapidly transforms to anger. When this occurs we are UNABLE TO TRULY SEE THE FEAR EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER!

With that being said, Daren and I have learned that our behavior or actions are dictating at all times the love or fear based emotion that has transpired as a result of stress. None of us can totally avoid stress. It's a part of our daily lives. But, stress, we have learned, doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's what you "do" with the stress that matters the most.

There are people in our lives right now who seem to thrive on stress, fear, and the negative behavior that results in that. It makes you look at them in a different light. Stress when not regulated leads to dysregulation. It changes our perspective ~ It clouds your thinking, keeps you from relationship, you live in a state of anger. That's a terrible place to find ourselves, but, when openly and honestly we face the fact that "dysregulated" is where we are, there are ways to move back to a regulated state (the calm in your heart that is within your window of tolerance~it's different for all of us)

He goes on to say that there are three things you can do when you find yourself with scattered irrational thoughts, anger, resentment, hurt, and others alike. It's so simple!

1) Just knowing that you are currently dysregulated makes you mindful. Awareness of it.

2) Breathe! 4-7-8 method; Inhale for 4 seconds through your nose, hold it for 7 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. Do this three times and you will begin to "feel" the shift back into "a more clear thinking".

3) Ask yourself "Honestly, why am I so stressed" (what is causing it, what is this really about) Putting it into perspective in the large scheme of life. If it's something that really stresses you and you can't regulate yourself with prayer and repetition to God, then seek Godly counsel. There is so much help out there and so many resources to draw from.

God longs that none of His children live in fear. Perfect love cast out fear. That which is not love, is fear.

So, as I rap this "post" up, I just want to say that this life is a journey. There will always be days that are less than perfect and people in our lives that are less than perfect, but I've found it's in the reaction to those days and people that can dictate so much of our lives when allowed.

I love my husband. I am thankful for the amazing, loving, affectionate, and involved Daddy that he is to our three blessings! I am thankful that though things are tough right now, he has dedicated this time to strengthening our marriage and not allowing it to fall apart. He is committed to this marriage ~ and the fact that he shares this with me has given me the freedom to feel safe in digging deep to the root of all of our issues (and my own personal issues) knowing that I have the promise of his love for a lifetime every step of the way! Thanks for sticking with me in the trenches~The view from the other side, I have a feeling it's going to be amazing!

I am thankful for all the love, prayers, and support that our friends and family has shown us. It's that hedge of protection that you have prayed over us that has kept the enemy from winning and to me, there is no "thank you" suitable to express in words. It's more than appreciated. The Scriptures, the FB notes, the emails, text messages, and phone calls...priceless and appreciated deeply!!

So, here we are. On our journey. Fighting for what is right and what is truth. I love you Daren. Thank you for standing with me and seeing this through. I can't tell you how much you are loved. I pray that through our struggle, we can help one couple, or one person, avoid the "long way around" through mistakes ~ and point them through to the Truth! Hugs and kisses and all my love babe!

In His Grip~

THE PICTURE BELOW IS REAL LIFE...But, if it was perfect...what else would we strive for that really matters????

A Call to Anguish ~ David Wilkerson

What Does Jesus Say About Divorce?

What Does Jesus Say About Divorce?

Posted using ShareThis

Another Sunday...

Today was rather slow. Though my mind could not seem to stop and enjoy the quiet. I seem to struggle with that...what to do with the silence right now. Silence seems so final. Like a question mark at the end of a sentence.

Since our family is "dispersed" right now... nothing really "feels right". I know in my heart that I am doing all that I can and that I need to continue to step out in faith and trust God's control and timing and that He will always be with me... even when no one else is. Thank You Lord for that gracious gift and please help me to tune into You more.

I haven't heard from Daren or Gayle since my last post. I didn't really think I would. For "some reason" it seems as if they don't acknowledge my posts or phone calls or emails that I will just stop trying. Sorry, wrong. I will continue to pursue and endure. I'm stronger than I think they realize and have battled back from many a valley and though this one is deeper, I will press on and climb out WITH MY FAMILY...ALL FIVE OF US....

God brought me to a scripture that I've heard hundreds of times before, but now, in my life, it's reality is both chilling and reassuring.

"IF A HOUSE IS DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF, THE HOUSE CANNOT STAND" Mark 3:25

He also states this exact same principle in Matthew 12:25 AND Luke 11:17

For me, that is enough to know that reunion of our family is of the utmost importance as we seek God.

I am a woman, who has a heart. That heart has feelings and they have been hurt. They have been trampled on and run over again and again and again. But what I hope people see is that ~ God always brings me back to my feet... I will stand!

Our life might seem like a trip to the zoo... but I wouldn't trade one precious moment for anything less.

In His Grip!!!

A Lifetime of Love

Precious. Life is so precious. How often do we look at just "life" and how blessed we are by those around us. Family. Friends. Precious. Each person bearing his or her own indelible mark on your heart.



The hard part about life at times, is that we don't get to chose the number of days that a loved one or friend is present and pouring into us in some way or another. What would you change if you knew today was your last day? What would you say if you knew you would never hold your child again? What would you feel if your spouse was taken ~ leaving you to raise the children? Why does it some times take such a great loss for us to put life into perspective. To make us hold on a little tighter when we hug. To speak with more love to those who are part of our daily family life. To tell someone you love them or that you are sorry.





Somewhere in life we forget and can take advantage of the presence of others in our lives. I know for certain that my brother and his precious wife valued (and still do) every day they have as a couple and as a family. They take time for each other and love each other. They trust each other and lean together when problems arise and not apart. They are an amazing family full of strength and love. There is no doubt about that!!



I think that is why trying to figure out why God allowed them to feel the loss of a child at such a young age baffles my mind. They are "good" people. No, they are GREAT people. Everything has changed in their lives. There is an empty spot that nothing will ever be able to take the place of. Holiday's ~ Family Gathering's ~ Birthday's. They will never be the same.



From this tragedy that has etched its memory forever in the lives of our family, my prayer is that Daren and I, Gayle and I...that we can some how put the past behind us and move forward. It's been far too long that we have been apart. I don't know how else to say it or what else to do. Daren, we need to be together raising our children and making memories with them. Gayle, I have asked Daren several times if I could apologize to you for the emotions that became involved in that argument on that Sunday ~ he has said every time that it's not a good time. It's never going to be a "good time" but we need to talk. We need to be a family. In my heart that family is YOU, Daren, Myself, Kory, Megan, and Ashley (as well as more extended reletives who chose to positively pour into and help build our marriage)

God did not bring Daren and I back together after all these years....to bless us with three miracles....and see us divorce. That is not what God had intended and I think that Daren and I have both been far too much in the way of what God's will is and lived life off of our emotions.



I love my husband. I love our children. I love our extended families as well. I don't want another day to pass where we can't be together. This has gotten out of hand and if we don't stand up for our marriage and trust in God, the devil will have his victory, again.




Daren, you always have said that "the written word is the most rude form of communication". Since I don't get a chance to speak words & share my hearts desire with you, I have to write. That's what I do. You know the heart in which I write is not a heart of cruel nature or selfish ambition... this is written in deep abiding love and with a heart that bleeds for us to be a family under one roof at any cost. I love you always!

Your Wife ~

So Many Have Asked ~ Major's Legacy

Major Hezekiah Rhodes

It seems through all of the new technology these days, I have been honored to reconnect with so many of my friends that I have made throughout the years. So, to "make sense" and share the background to the story told in bits and pieces through post on my Facebook page, I wanted to share the legacy that my nephew left upon returning to the arms of God. A legacy that will last forever

On my Facebook page, the last few days have been filled with posts and memories of my nephew (My brother, David, and his wife, Darcy) and the tragic loss that they faced a year ago. A pain that still is present today.


My nephew, Major Hezekiah Rhodes, was called home back into the arms of God at the tender age of 15 months old. Major was born 16 days prior too our twins, Megan and Ashley. Major was also born many weeks early and spent most of those weeks in the NICU in Salt Lake City where David is doing his orthopedic residency.


Darcy and I would talk on the phone and share our milestones and set backs, ounces gained and those lost, how they were feeding, how they were sleeping, and lots of prayers for each other through the trails that being in the NICU with your child carries.


Major came home as did Megan and Ashely. The first year of their lives we talked constantly. Major, like Megan, was a little slower in some developmental areas ~ but all in all, the three of them continued to grow and grow & were healthy happy little precious lives. Life became normal. Busy for all of us, but normal.

On Sunday, November 2, 2008~ Dave and Darcy got ready for church as they always do. (Marin who was 6 at the time, Somer who was 4, and Lillian who was 2 at the time, and Major, 15 months old.) Dave was working his first Sunday in the nursery at the church. His residency program at the University of Utah Health Science Center kept him busy many weekends. They have an amazing church and a are a part of a small group that would meet weekly out various homes. These preci0us people were their family away from home...and I mean precious people!! The faith and relationship with God that they have had as a family has always inspired me to grow more intimately with God....for many years I spent walking in the wilderness looking for that "one thing" that would make me feel whole...I found that One thing...and that was a personal and true relationship with God.


As David was standing at the door to the nursery and handing over another child to a parent, he looked down and noticed that Major was not breathing. Major was at his feet. Emergency life saving techniques instantly went into action. A number of other surgeons and medical staff that were in the church at the time were called into the nursery. It became apparent that Major had choked on two wooden screws. These great physicians that came to help did everything they could possibly do to dislodge the screws but were unable. They had called 911 the moment that it happened and 30 minutes later the ambulance arrived. They were able to dislodge one of the screws and establish an airway. By this time over 30 minutes had passed since any oxygen had been in Major's precious body.


The ambulance arrived at the Children's Hospital there in Salt Lake City. After a multitude of testing, millions of prayers.... they were notified that Major had no function in his brain. My wonderful brother and his wife had to make the choice that none of us as parents would ever want to make. They decided to allow him back in to the arms of the One who had given Major to them. The hospital staff was, from what I have been told, amazing and compassionate. The allowed Dave and Darcy to spend the night in bed with Major.They placed him in a bed so that they could cuddle with him in his last hours. My mom said that Dave and Darcy stayed up all night singing sweet songs of God and His love. They got to hold Major until the transplant team arrived at 4:00 in the morning on the 3rd.

His organs were given to those who needed them to stay alive. What a gift Dave and Darcy gave these families who would have been facing the same pain that they were walking through by the gift of his organs.

If you or your child are not an organ donor, I plead with you to take measures and steps to allow this.

It has been one year. One year since our family has been shaken to the core. One year full of questions that have seemed to go unanswered with only a silence that is at times deafening. One year full of tears and pain that goes beyond any words that I, as a writer, can find to accurately share every emotion that they have felt. My heart still bleeds with pain for them. It will for a lifetime.

I remember at Major's funeral, they had an open time where people could come up and share their thoughts of love or words of Scripture that God had placed on their hearts. I stood and read a poem that I had written in the first few days that followed this tragedy. Then, my brother... my brother did something that I will never in all my life forget. As the words of those who attended came to an end. My brother, with one hand gently placed on that precious little white casket and the other hand stretched up towards heaven shared with everyone the goodness of God. What faith!! What courage it took to be able to stand and share with those who were hurting with them. I can't even begin to share the admiration I still have for being able to do that. Which one of us could say that if ever faced with a similar tragedy would be able to do that?? I know at that time, I couldn't. Even today as my relationship with God has grown, I don't know that I could. His faith has always been an encouragement to me...so has Darcy's. She is an amazing woman of God. An example of a wonderful wife, the patience and love of a mother. I adore them and miss them dearly!!!
Major in the arms of his mommy!

Daddy and Major ~ A Father's Love is Priceless!
Darcy and Major ~ She truly is the worlds most wonderful mommy!!

I know that Major is in the presence of God. I know that he will never know the pain of this world or know the burden of a broken heart. I know that eternal life in heaven is far greater than the world that we live in here. But I believe in all of our hearts, we each wish in some way that he was still here. 15 months wasn't long enough to lavish the love we all have for him.

My brother and his wife are amazing parents. Darcy was 12 weeks along with "Rhodes baby #5" at the time and this past April, gave birth to precious Noelle. She is adorable in every sense of the word. Then on October 31th her sister in law gave birth to a beautiful girl Nora. Two new lives in one long year, but I believe in my heart that these lives are part of the balm of healing from God. Though they, or anyone, could never take Major's place, I am thankful for each of these pink bundles of love and live that God has given both of these families.

Miss Noelle Josephine

There is much more to this story, and I will share a few links to "The J-Crew Blog" that Kathy (Darcy's sister in law) authors. You'll be touched to join her blog as well as a "follower". You will also see a link in the sidebar of my blog where you can sign up for email notifications as post are made. If you have trouble signing up, send me an email at: lovedbyhisgrace@gmail.com along with a picture and your email and I will sign you up.

I thank each of you for your prayers for Dave and Darcy and their girls as well as for the "J-Crew" and their new blessing of Nora. We are humbled at the love and prayers we have continued to receive and thank you for those yet to come in the future! I pray that God will bless each of you exceedingly and abundantly and if you have any questions about having your own personal relationship with Jesus, please don't hesitate to ask.

Marin

Somer
Lillian


In His Grip ~ Through His Grace & Mercy

While I'm Waiting

I keep running across songs today. If you have been on my facebook page, you will probably agree.

Today, today I had set out to write ... it was supposed to be my song writing day. While God did give me words for one song... that is where my creativity stopped and the ministry of these other songs fell into place. Today I thought I was supposed to write... but today, I've realized that God wanted me to listen.

This song is just another word I feel that God placed smack dab in front of me.... "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller .... because during this season of waiting, I will chose to serve Him... Listen to these words and be inspired. No matter how deep your valley or how steep the climb ahead looks...stop every now and then and listen... for in the hearing comes His strength, His direction, His love to endure.



I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You,
Lord And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You,
Lord Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You,
Lord And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You,
Lord Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Every Single Tear

Every Single Tear

You feel insignificant, a whisper in the wind
Sometimes you think nobody knows your name
But there's Somebody watching over you
And He knows everything you're going through

CHORUS:
He sees every single tear
He feels everything you're feeling
He wants to hold you close and dry your eyes
Your heart is what He hears
When the world just hears you crying
No matter what the pain, He cares About every single tear

Overwhelmed by circumstances out of your control
Hope can be the hardest thing to find
When you're like a heart without a home
You don't have to face this hurt alone

CHORUS
If God adorns the lilies of the field
And cares for every sparrow in the sky
How much more is He aware of your sorrow and despair
How much does He care about your life

CHORUS

This Side of Broken ~ by Kristi Cole

This side of broken, I have nothing inside,
I'm looking for somewhere to run and to hide.

This side of broken, there is nothing at all,
But when I quiet my mind, I hear hear the Lord's call.

"This side of broken", He says, "there is nothing for you here.
Only a life filled of loneliness, sadness and fears.

This side of broken isn't where you should stay."
He beckons and calls, "Child come My way".

Out of ashes He turns a beautiful life,
He fixes what's broken & clean the slate's wiped.

"My child I am with you, that 's all that you need
Leave the details to Me and I'll take care of the seeds.

Be patient My daughter for I am The One
Who will water these seeds and show them The Son.

It may not happen like you would have planned
But you can't see the view from where I stand.

For in My eyes I see beyond here and now
Place your trust just in Me and I'll show you how.

Walk in love and be obedient unto Me
for I'm in the business of restoring, you'll see.

It's not only YOU who has felt the sting of this storm
Other hearts have been battered, bruised, and torn.

Patience My child, you're a daughter of The King
You'll find shelter and peace beneath My mighty wings.

You will not be broken, at least not for long,
Through My word and My love you again will be strong.

written by: Kristi Cole
October 22, 2009
Dedicated to: Daren, Kory, Megan, and Ashley!!!
I love each of you so much!!

FISH AND CHIPS TOURNAMENT ~ OCTOBER 23-24 2009 ~ RIVERWIND CASINO

Come to the Riverwind Casiono off Hwy 9 just south of Norman this Friday and Saturday October 23rd and 24th for the Fish & Chips Tournament!! Top bass fishing professionals...Skeet Reece, Mark Zona, Kevin VanDam, Rick Clunn, Dean Rojas, Jeff Kriet, Kenyon Hill, Dave Smith, Brad Hallman, Terry Butcher and more!! Meet the Pros Thursday October 22nd at Riverwind from 6:30-8:30.

"Ocean Wide" ~ by The Afters

Look outside
It's already light and the stars ran away with the night
Things we're said, words that we'll try forget,
it's so hard to admit I know we've made mistakes
I see through all the tears but that's what got us here

[Chorus:]
If love is an ocean wide
We'll swim in the tears we cry
They'll see us through to the other side
We're gonna make it
When love is a raging sea
You can hold on to me
We'll find a way tonight
Love is an ocean wide

I'll stay right here
It's where I'll always belong
Tied with your arms
Days like this, I wish the sun wouldn't set
I don't want to forget
What made us feel this way
You see through all my fears
And that's what got us here

[Chorus]
Love is an ocean wide enough to forget
Even when we think we can't


I love you!

Promise of A Lifetime

I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of painI'm feeling broken in my melody

As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging to

The promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart

Pick me up, take me in your arms

Find my way back from the storm

And you show me how to grow through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside

I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

I am holding on to the hope I have inside

With you I will stay through every day

Putting my understanding aside

I am comforted

I have fallen to my knees

As I sing a lullaby of painI'm feeling broken in my melody

As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetime

I hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart

Pick me up, take me in your arms

Find my way back from the storm

And you show me how to grow through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

(Chorus)

I know you're always thereTo hear my every prayer inside

I'm clinging toThe promise of a lifetimeI hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime
I am holding on to the hope I have inside

With you I will stay through every day

Putting my understanding asideI am comforted

(Chorus)

To know you're always there

To hear my every prayer inside I'm clinging to

The promise of a lifetimeI hear the words you say

To never walk away from me and leave behind

The promise of a lifetime

I

Miss

My

Family!!!

“Be strong. Take courage.

Don’t be intimidated… because God,

your God, is striding ahead of you.

He’s right there with you.

He won’t let you down;

he won’t leave you.”

(The Message)
Deuteronomy 31:6

I Will ....

I will continue to believe that in all things God is present. Everything around me wants to tell me different. Everything tells me to give up. But God hasn't said anything about giving up. So, for today, for this moment...I will press on.

I will gently place one foot in front of the other and keep my focus on His presence in my life. Lord, quiet my spirit when You need to speak. When you open a door for me, let the words that I speak be Yours. Humble me and mold me into the woman that You have designed and desire me to be. Help my heart to remain tender through the battle and Lord, soften those hearts who are involved in this battle as well.

As always Lord, I plead for protection for the children. Protect their minds and hearts during this season of such uncertainty. Be with Kory Lord, that his little heart will soften and that he will be more attentive to what mommy and daddy have to say. Show me where I can be a better mom. I love my children...they are all each blessings from You and I want to do the best that I can do, through You. Thank You Lord for always being there...You are the only one who really is!!!! And that, makes me in awe of You even more!!

In Jesus Name...

That's What Faith Can Do

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

What Faith Can Do ~ Kutless

THIS IS MY SONG!! It's so awesome that when we fall on our faces totally at the end of everything we are and have, we realize that God has been there all along...we get so caught up in taking care of our own problems...but what so crazy is that we don't have to take care of anything...we have to have faith in God and in His perfect amazing will. It would be so easy to give up ~ it would be so easy to watch everything fall apart and hurt with a pain that would leave a scar... but I am on my knees in prayer that God will strengthen my faith as I trust in Him!! That He will give me knowledge of words to speak and words to hold back. God, I AM Your child and I am crying out to You....

The WHOLE Armor....

EPHESIANS 6:10-13

10 Finally, my brethren, be STRONG in the Lord and in

the power of HIS might.

11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be

able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 1

2 FOR WE DO NOT WRESTLE AGAINST

FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST

PRINCIPALITIES , AGAINST POWERS,

AGAINST THE RULERS OF

THE DARKNESS OF THIS AGE,

AGAINST SPIRITUAL HOSTS OF

WICKEDNESS IN THE HEAVENLY PLACES.

13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you

MAY BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND IN THE

EVIL DAY, AND HAVING DONE ALL, TO STAND.

I have nothing Lord but strength in You. Though the enemy comes at me from every direction, I will stand. I will fight a good fight and trust in You for all things, in all things, and because of all things. You are truly my shelter, the place at night I can go to still my mind and find some sort of peace that doesn't seem to exist in the daylight hours. The nights can be terrifying as well....but last night, I cried to You, and You heard me. You wrapped me in the palm of your hand and the Holy Spirit was the blanket that tucked me in. I thank You for the grace and mercy that You have extended me. I pray that I will walk in Your light and in a way that is pleasing to You. God, You and only You know the truths behind this .... and I trust and believe that You will lift the veil of lies and Your truth will be exposed. God, I pour myself out to you!! Thank You that you are close to those who have a broken heart! Show me ~ show ME the areas that You would have me change so that I may walk in Your will. I have so far to go....but I know that You are with me every step.

In Jesus Precious Name,

Amen

The Weathering Grace of God

(**Personal note/update at end of this entry)

CHAPTER TWO

THE WEATHERING GRACE OF GOD

Page 70

As mountains attract the weather, so the upheavals in our lives attract the grace of God. Those who have had deadly, crushing, bitter experiences happen to them are the ones to whom the Father is especially drawn.

* The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. (Ps. 34:18)

* A broken and contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt no despise. (Ps 51:17)

* He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. (Ps 147:3)

....Gire goes on in this chapter and refers to the Dust Bowl that historically changed so many lives of those who had retreated to Oklahoma from the great depression

Page 83

The unrelenting winds of the Dust Bowl swept topsoil from their farms.With the loss of soil came the loss of their crops. with the loss of their crops came the loss of their livelihood. with the loss of their livelihood came the loss of their farms.

Page 85

The Dawn came, but no day.

....When the night came again it was a black night, for the starts could pierce the dust to get down, and the window lights could not even spread beyond their own yards. ...

An upheaval not only alters the landscape but often deforests the landscape, leading to further devastation. The same thing can happen when tragedy strikes the small, forty-acre farm that is our life

Steinbeck's description of the Dust Bowl is what the weather of the heart is sometimes like for the one who has endured great loss. A steady wind blows you, opposes you, oppresses you. the wind grows stronger, whisking away what little soil that surrounds the few rootlets of spiritual life you have left. With the wind come stinging reminders of how different your life is from everyone else's.....Your bloodshot eyes burn from the wind blown grit. Your tears wash away the grit, but not the burn.

To escape these stinging realities, you huddle yourself in your house. .....No matter how thorough you are in your dusting, there is always something you have overlooked, always some reminder of your loss.

You lie in bed at night, staring at the ceiling. Your thoughts are incoherent pieces of a puzzle you have grown weary of, yet can't get rid of. The headache won't go away. Or the guilt. Or the regret. You're out of tears, out of prayers. You've waited in silence, wept in silence, wondered in silence. You wonder if anyone is up there, beyond that ceiling, if anyone was ever up there, or if it has all been just so much pious talk and positive thinking, reinforced by the peer pressure of your religious friends. .....

.....What little light you have within you doesn't spread very far, either.

Throughout the night the wind continues. The night is long and it seems the dawn will never come. Finally the dawn comes, but no day....And God, who once seemed so radiant, now seems a dim red circle that give little light.

.....What then?

We start by realizing that reclaiming the land doesn't happen overnight.

But it does happen. And it begins to happen when we pray. Each time we pray, we plant a seed. It takes years to sow them. Even more years to grow them. That is how we cooperate with god in reclaiming the landscape. A seed at a time. We plant them in faith, NOT KNOWING HOW MANY WILL SPROUT, OR OF THOSE THAT SPROUT, HOW MANY WILL SURVIVE. And though the odds are against us, we believe that some of those seeds will root, that some of them will survive, and that someday they WILL make a difference in the landscape of our lives.

Yet, there are days when the promise of "someday" is not enough. You try to think of a reason to go on living today. but today you can't. And from your trembling hand, the only seed you have to sow is the prayer that God in His mercy puts an end to your misery, and takes you home. Not someday, but today.

Page 91

C.S. Lewis said...."We should bring to God what is in us, not what ought to be in us". The oughts will keep us from telling the truth. they will also keep us from feeling the truth. Especially the truth about our pain.

We can be too careful with our words, especially when we pray. We can be too quick to come to conclusions about what happened and why. too quick to make sense of it all. Too quick to see God in it all.

Page 92

When Jesus received the news of John the Baptist's death....He went away by Himself and mourned. (Matt 14:1-13)

....Jesus reached into the depths of His soul for whatever words He could find that spoke the truth of his pain. We are told that He agonized with "loud crying and tears" (Heb 5:7) We are also told that He fell to the ground, where He prayed fervently and sweated profusely. (Luke 22:44)

...We pray however we can, with whatever words we can. We pray with our sweat, with our tears. and we pray with whatever friends we have who will sit with us IN THE DARKNESS!!

Page 93

Gethsemane, Calvary, and any other place in the world where tears are wept but unblotted - where questions are asked but unanswered....

Page 95

"Man comes closer to God through the questions he asks Him, he liked to say. Therein lies true dialogue. Man asks and God replies. But we don't understand His replies. We cannot understand them. Because they dwell in the depths of our soul and remain there until we die. The real answers you will find only within yourself"....."I pray to God within me for the strength to ask Him the real questions." (quotes by Elie Wiesel a Holocaust survivor who lost his entire family in that tragic season)

Who of us knows what those questions are? Or how deeply within ourselves we will have to go to find them? Who knows what we will find in those depths?

Maybe something of secret of who we are. Who we are, who we truly are, is a secret known only to god. One day we will be given the stone that bears our new name (Rev 2:17). But TODAY, that name is a mystery, even to us.

Page 97

I think that we feel if we can somehow connect all the dots in life in some kind of cause-and-effect manner, that life can be managed and made safe for us and for those we love.

But the universe cannot be managed or made safe. Not by us anyway. When we lose a sense of mystery, we lose a sense of our place in the universe. And leaving that place, we leave behind a humility that is attendant to that place.

Mystery, ambiguity, uncertainty. These are places where we reach an end of ourselves, places where we have to stop, stop and take off our shoes. If we don't. the mystery, the ambiguity, the uncertainty will one day prove too much for us. If we must have all our questions answered before we can go forward in our relationship with God, there will come a day when we won't go forward.

Some mysteries remain God's secret. Others Jesus shares with us, the way He shared with Peter something of secret of His own life.

Page 99

Our lives are part of an over-arching drama, part sunshine, part rain, that spans the heavens from Paradise to Paradise. What role we play in that drama is a secret Jesus shares with us, if at all, at His own discretion. Many of the most personal secrets of our story are seldom shared with anyone else. the continuation of Jesus's conversation with Peter is a case in point.

.....Peter, turning around, saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them; the one who also had leaned back on His breast at supper, and said, "Lord, who is the one who betrays You?" Jesus said to him, "If you want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!" (John 21:20,22)

The secret of my friends' story is a mystery. It is not mine to know. It many not even be theirs to know, not now anyway. For now we see in a glass darkly, but then face to face, and now we know in part, but then we shall know fully just as we have been fully known. (1 Cor. 13:12)

So until then, what?

We feel our way in the dark.

Until we find each other.

We huddle together in the storm.

Wet and shivering, but together.

And maybe in the end it will be our huddling in the storm that gives us more comfort than our understanding of the storm.

Page 101

July 16, 1903 ~ German poet Rainer maria Rilke wrote:

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart...try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer"

God doesn't ask us to figure out our salvation., with confidence and certainty. he asks us to work it out, with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12) Living the questions is part of the way we do that. It is an honest way. It is also a painful way. The Scriptures help, but not with the pain. The Scriptures are not a medicine cabinet, filled with prescriptions to take the edge off life. They are about a God who, during his most painful experience on earth, REFUSED THE WINE MIXED WITH MYRRH THAT WAS OFFERED HIM.

The Scriptures show us what life with such a God is like.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friends, I believe that the grace of God and His mercy is with me...it's with you. I can't see it, it's not tangible, but I know it's real. I believe that the same God I approached weeping over Megan's medical diagnosis during my pregnancy and the same God I fell before with great joy as she was healed...is the same God that will work His miracles in my life today. I will not stand for anything else.

Today was so difficult. I had to take the kids back to Daren, who is living with his mother. Upon entering into the house, they had removed almost all of my belongings and put them in the entry way for me to take with me after dropping the kids off. My children, in tears a great deal of the time, questioned what was going on....and asked where we were going. I had to tell them that I had to leave ~ but leaving them had nothing to do with loving them. How do you make a 3 year old and two year old twins understand that?? I thought it was in poor taste to make me load these things in the car while the children were present to watch. It broke my heart. They will be with Daren until Monday morning, when I will run quickly to sweep them into my arms and shower them with the kisses I won't be able to give them until then.

This is a terrible, terrible situation. I do not know the Daren that stood before me today. I do not know this man. He is angry and cynical and accusatory.... He is not thinking clearly or willing to work things out. My heart is broken. We've been together for 18 years....we divorced in 1998 after 4 1/2 years of marriage, but our love still stood. Never taken away. God gave us a second chance...a chance that I ran with knowing that I would never let it go. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to watch our family torn apart. As long as Daren is living under that roof though, he will be fed with nothing positive...nothing full of God's light...everything he listens to spoken by others is not words of faith and hope...it's of the death of a marriage...

I have so many tears...so much pain in the depths of my heart. I will stand on God's word and the promises of His character and I will trust in Him. I will pray without ceasing. I will hope with no end and I will have faith that in the end...this is His victory and our story will go on.

Thank you for your prayers and love. It is a lonely time. I will do my best to keep updates on the progress and just ask that for now, pray, intercede for us, for Daren, that those who are pulling us apart, lose strength.... I love you all so very much!!

In His Grip!

Every Time I Press In

Friends, I have always marveled at the way God brings the perfect person or the perfect book or Scripture to my life in moments of need. As you know from previous post this week, I have been reading the amazing book "Life As We Want It....Life As We Are Given It".

It has been talking about the upheavals of life and how at the time it can feel as if a earthquake that blows any magnitude on the Richter scale has plummeted into your life.

This week is of no exception. I am not at liberty to divulge details at this time...I am just here to tell you that I will press on. I will allow the dust to settle and for the ruble left behind to wash away allowing God, in all His Glory, to replace the ashes that have seemed to suffocate me right now and turn them into a beauty that serves His purpose.

This truly is a large upheaval....and many family members, my own parents and Daren's mother are only adding fuel to the fire. I will not change my stance. I will hold firm to the convicitons of my heart and not loose strength. In the silence I spend with God and hearing His voice, I can survive on that alone. I am a proud mother of three incredible children. They in them selves are proof of the beauty that God has brought into my life.

I am far from done. I am just getting started. I will do all that I can to glorify and press on ...and if I can do it...you can do it to. Don't lose heart...don't give up...talk, just talk to God and He will hear your heart. To those few family members that are still in support, I thank you deeply with every fiber of my heart. To my friends who have tenderly held my hand the past few weeks, I am grateful. Again, your prayers are priceless and I am humbled to have you interceding for me!!

I love you all....
In His Grip....Stronger Than Ever!!

Chapter 1

LIFE AS WE WOULD WANT IT....LIFE AS WE ARE GIVEN IT

The Beauty God Brings from Life's Upheavals

BY ~ Ken Gire

Chapter One

THE TERRIFYING UPHEAVALS OF LIFE

Upheavals. Just the thought of that word made my heart skip a beat. Then, he added the words terrifying and life and I knew that this wasn't going to be an easy chapter to dissect and "take in". If you didn't read my unusually LONG post from yesterday, this book is about, well, it's just as the title states. "Life As We Would Want It...Life As We Are Given It".

Throughout this chapter you feel the raw emotion of the stories he tells. Families that have suffered loss of children, friends & in some stories, entire villages. Losses through disease, natural disasters, freak accidents. It's truly a chapter that brought many tears not just to my eyes, but tears that spilled over onto the pages that I read.

There is so much about life that we do not know. We haven't a clue what tomorrow, next week, next month, or the next years might entail. Will there be upheavals? Will there be just one incident that shakes our lives and changes us forever? Will there be a season, however long or short, that leaves us wondering where we went wrong for all of these things to happen to us?

For our family immediate and extended, we have suffered great loss in many areas. We all have been shaken to our core at one time or another. As I look at my parents and how they traveled through these dark times, I noticed that they were more emotionally and spiritually prepared than I ever was. As I tenderly gaze at my brother's family picture, I see an underlying strength that lives within them that even now may not be totally revealing to them. I know them though, I know of their deep relationship and passion for God and all His people! Then I close my eyes and try to think of what people would say of me if asked where they saw me at in my relationship with God during these never ending vallies??? I can tell you that I know I did not at the time have the faith or relationship with God that I should have. Instead of spending prior years building a fortress in which I could run, I wasted that time on selfish desires and worldly matters that in no way prepared me for what was ahead. I wish I had spent time in His word, in His house, in His presence....I wish I knew more about God BEFORE these things happened rather than learning so much about His goodness AFTER!!!

In uncertain times, times of great terrifying upheavals of life, the ones that are filled with loss and corruption of our "before lives"... I agree with Ken Gire when he said that "at times he wishes he didn't believe in God because if we took God out of the picture, we wouldn't take the upheavals so personally. And though the upheavals might still destroy the landscapes of our lives, at least they wouldn't kick up any cosmic dust so that we spend a lot of time wandering in its haze, disoriented and trying to make some kind of sense of it." It would, as Ken says, "be so much easier to just say that the world is filled with randomness and chaos and bad things happen to all of us, and we should just enjoy what we can of life, thanking our "lucky stars" that bad things don't happen to us more often than they do."

I know after two miscarriages, my fundamental faith that was instilled in me through my parents and friends, saved me in many ways. But DURING the pain of losing my babies I would spend days upon days in tearful wonder of what I did to deserve this. What did I do wrong God? Why me? Why my babies? It was an emotional roller coaster of pendulum swings from the top where I felt God's control, to the depths of the valley where I questioned and was angry, shaking my fist at God. After all...God is love and if he is a loving God...how do these things happen??? And more selfishly, why do they happen to me?

We can all get crazy lost in questioning God and His perfect will for our lives. I wonder too what beauty could possibly come out of the tragedies that we have faced in the last 4 years. It also leaves me with an intermittent wonder of what upheavals might become of tomorrow and how long they would last. But I'm going to try a new approach to this crazy life of mine. I want to get closer to God. Closer than I've ever been before. I want to know Him and His word so that when the unspeakable happens, my fortress or refuge IS in Him and not in someone or something. I want to run and hide in Him and know that I know that I know He is with me and in His wings I will find shelter.

Psalm 46:1-11 shows us the truth of God's character. He is our refuge and strength and ever present help in time of trouble. He is in control and has got to have our trust or we will fail at any attempt to try to survive and see what beauty He produces out of the ashes. In times of upheaval, "Be still, and know that I am God".

That's all He is asking that we do....be still. And that to someone like me can be asking a great deal. But to be still and rest in Him is the origination of a strength to endure. We need to, at times, "cease striving" for the answers to our innumerable questions.

Wendell Berry writes in a poem of his what happens when we are still:

The mind that comes to rest is tended

In ways that it cannot intend;

Is borne, preserved, and comprehended

By what it cannot comprehend.

Ken Gire writes: "What we are asked to listen to in times of upheaval is the voice of the Great Artist Himself, who will one day bring, out of the upheavals in this world, a new heaven and a new earth. And He IS in the process of bringing, out of the upheavals in our life, a new heaven and a new earth within us as well."

Be still. Be silent. Find strength to endure in Him. Drown out the inner voices that the enemy so persistently and loudly scrams at us to weaken our ability to sit in silence for The One who heals and restores. Satan will stop at all cost to cause us to doubt, and in some cases cease to believe, that He, THE ALMIGHTY GOD, DOES IN FACT LOVE US!

We, as a family, have been in an incredible time of upheaval. It feels as if we live on a fault line, where earthquakes or tremors occur every day. It is discipline that keeps me at least trying to force myself back to His promise that He would never leave me or forsake me. I know that He has not based my life on a national seismic hazard mapping project thrust upon us by God. I know that there is nothing we can or can't do to prevent further quakes and the magnitude that they can withhold. I also, however, know that God does take the ashes and turn them into something beautiful. I know that as long as I abide in Him, He will protect me and that His perfect will shall be carried out. It doesn't mean that I don't hurt deeply or like Job, ask God why....It just means that at the end of this brief time here on earth....God is going to reveal to me the most majestic picture painted by The Artist of my life.

In His Grip~ And HOLDING ON!!!

Life As We Would Want It... Life As We Are Given It

Ken Gire has always been one of my favorite authors. His honest realistic approach coupled with the Living Truth of God's Word has allowed me to see things from God's perspective. He in no way acts like he is a god, but rather is so relevant in his interpretation of God's Word and the promises within those Scriptures.He deeply feels each word he writes and has a true passionate concern for all of us to live life in God's peace and presence.

The first book of his that I read was "The North Face of God". It fell across my journey in the depths of grief over the sudden and tragic loss of my nephew on November 3, 2008. It is a great, great book and I highly recommend it. In short, short synopses of the book, he gently reveals to us that though we may feel as if God is cold and unaware of our hurt, pain, or loss, he is actually protecting us from that in which our eyes here on earth, nor our minds, could possible make sense of.

Isaiah 55:8

"For your thoughts are not My thoughts

neither your ways are My ways." Declares the Lord.

I grew to at least trying to trust in God's purpose in our loss, from totally thinking that He was crazy and that nothing could ever make sense of this nor would the God that I know allow such a thing. Friends, it goes so much further than what we know. I have no more answers today than I did last week, last month, or last year. I am merely finding my way into peace with what has transpired and thanking God every day for His patience to endure His pursuit of my heart. I am stubborn, strong willed, and can tend to think that my way of thinking is the right way to think... but sadly, I have been proven wrong more times than I would like to admit. (OTHER than the fact that The University of Oklahoma is part of the Promise Land and produces great athletes and great citizens of this great country....BOOMER SOONER!!!) :0)

I urge you, I highly recommend to you, that if you are at a spot in your journey of life and you are wondering where God is pick up a copy of "The North Face of God". I can promise that He is there with you, He is not asking for you to do anything but allow Him into the pain of your heart where He will heal whats broken and fill you with peace...a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is there through Scripture, through church families, and through numerous conferences, magazines, and books. Ken Gire pens some of the most life changing publications I have read ~ and trust me, my bookshelf is full! I hate "obscure" reading right now. I want to read something that leaves an indellable impression in my heart that will inspire me in my daily journey while here on earth. What I "want" to do and what I actually "do" though still needs great attention for I am far, far, far from where I should be.(Romans 7:19-20 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.)

The book that I just recently picked up of his is just as incredible to me. On the heels of "The North Face" I stumbled upon "Life As We Would Want It, Life As We Are Given It" (The Beauty God Brings From Life's Upheavals). For me personally, reading the first of these two books helped greatly extend the healing process and this book feels to me like the next step up. I am FINALLY starting to understand our place in this broken world and when He is given the opportunity & we move aside, what God WILL do. We have to open ourselves to Him for healing. There is no one person on this earth that can fill your heart 100% of the time with 100% satisfaction guarantee. (the only thing I've seen recently with that guarantee was an infomercial for Life Alert "Help I've fallen and I can't get up....anyway, just sayin!.....for my facebook peeps!)

I have just recently started this book, but I feel a strong passion and direction from God to share it...journal things on this blog because I believe that there is at least one person out there who feels so abandoned by something or someone that they need hope...and hope in anything other than God will leave you feeling even more empty. PLEASE, trust me on this!!! I know this much to be fact, not observation!! I would not be here today, literally, if it wasn't for the grace of God and His mercy and endless love.

So, today, Thursday, September 24, 2009, I want to share a part of the Prologue. I say just a "part" but if you know me, I'll probably be writing the entire prologue. I just feel exceptionally moved to help someone. So Lord, as I begin to share the works of this great author, touch the lives of those who read it and God, in ways only you can create, allow this to cross the eyes of someone who is in dire need of knowing You and Your merciful and gracious love.

Prologue

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Solomon

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Thou who wouldst see the lovely and the wild

mingled in harmony on Nature's face,

Ascend our rocky mountains.

William Cullen Bryant

From His Poem

"Monument Mountain"

~Page 3~

When we draw close to Nature, reaching out to it for clues to our existence, Nature takes our hands and fills them with the fertile loam of our humanity, reminding us that from the earth we were taken and to the earth we will return.
It's humbling to realize for us who have been given dominion over Nature how limited that dominion is. We can light candles, but we can't hold back the night. We can prepare for storms, but we can't prevent them. We can't stop the rains in times of flood or start them in times of drought. We can't shorten winter or lengthen spring.

~Page 4~

In Nature we are confronted with the limits of our dominion. Nowhere are those limits so obvious as in the way mountains are formed. When sheer formations of rock are suddenly thrust through the surface of the earth, we are helpless to stop it. Helpless to control either its duration or its devastation.

We are just as helpless when some tragedy devastates us. Like the death of a child. (Lord, help me to continue) Or the diagnosis of cancer. The prodigal who runs away from home. Or the partner who walks away from the marriage. The sudden disability from a wreck. Or the sobering dismissal from work. (Now, I can honestly say that 5 out of the 6 of these life changing situations Mr. Gire described have intersected with my life at some point WITHIN the last 6 years....)

Upheavals come suddenly, unexpectedly, and often catastrophically. Whenever they come, however they come, they forever ALTER THE SETTLED TERRAIN THAT ONCE WAS OUR LIFE. (emphasis mine) Embedded within us are physical, spiritual, and psychological layers that make up our interior landscape. When upheavals come, they alter every layer with varying degrees of destruction that SOMETIMES TAKE A LIFETIME TO UNEARTH. (again, emphasis mine)

~page 5~

Imagine for a minute that YOU are the landscape. The upheaval thrusts itself mercilessly through the very center of who you are. The abrading of granite. The crumbling of limestone. The crashing boulders as they tumble down around you, shattering to pieces. You feel all of that, every grinding moment of it. Your stomach drops, your head spins, and you watch in helpless horror as the innermost parts of your life lie on the surface, exposed to the elements.

The deafening noise is the sound of the upheaval as it forces its way through every stratified layer that lies within you. Your body, mind, emotions, all these layers are displaced. They are folded or pushed upward or thrust over each other. The social layers of your life are shaken. And the spiritual layers that once seemed such bedrock certainties, they're shaken too.

~Page 6~

Who of us can survive the shock and aftershocks of such earth-shaking experiences? Who of us has the strength to sift through the emotional rubble of the resulting devastation? Who of us has the courage to face the future where other upheavals may await us?

Meanwhile, where is God in all of this? Didn't He see the upheaval coming? Couldn't He have prevented it? Or at least warned us of it?

Much of the way pressure within the earth thrusts rock formations through its crust to create mountains, the seismic pressure of these unanswered questions create sudden and sometimes terrifying upheavals in our faith.

~Page 7~

To this bare and broken rock, God comes.
There the weathering grace of God begins its work, wearing granite into soil, planting windblown seeds into barren slopes, bringing life out of lifelessness, beauty out of ugliness.

Season after season, the work continues.

In time, God turns the most terrifying of eruptions into the most majestic of mountains, the most tragic of earthquakes into the most idyllic of landscapes.
That is the unrelenting work of heaven, to make everything beautiful in its time.

And then...the book begins. I believe, because I have read in Scriptures, that God is already with us before tragedy strikes, and He is there with us as it unfolds, and I KNOW He is there holding us when everything around us seems to be falling at our feet and the pain is too much to bear.

We are such a culture of quick fixes. (Look at Obama...never mind...I'm not going there...didn't vote for him, but his entire "change" oriented campaign was not portrayed in unraveling at the speed it is, creating with it monumental difficulties for us, the average American family and the children that will reap the harvest, or lack of, in the future...whew...that's for another time) We want so much for God to take the pain away RIGHT NOW. Sometimes He does and other times, HIS will is to walk with us a little longer in our sorrow so that through the valley, as we walk hand in hand with Him, He can become more intimately real in our hearts and lives. "everything is beautiful in its time" The Scriptures never promise us how long the journey will take...they promise us of the grace, mercy and love that God showers endlessly on those who seek Him and allow Him to be their most intense of desires in life.

I recently have gone through a time of great depression or severe reality check as to where we are as a family. Daren lost his job 7 months ago as most of you know and I think I just turned my head from the true and ugly reality of what was unfolding before us. We are a family of 5 who are maintaining our living through less than $1000 a month from unemployment and through the kindness of Daren's mom allowing us to move into her home and share it with us. My parents have helped provide with school for Kory. But more importantly, there are our prayer warriors that cover and love us....they are a picture of the feathers on the wings of God that we find shelter in.

I don't have any idea what tomorrow holds and I can't change a thing about what happened yesterday, but I can stop TODAY to remind myself that this life is not to be lived the way I want it to be, but as God has carefully orchestrated with every second of my life in mind. I choose to believe that He is with us and has been with us over the past three years as we have been thrust into seasons that without Him, we would have never survived to tell. He has carried us....even when we doubted where He was...He held us even more tightly in the palm of His hand and it is in looking back at those times I truly and honestly can say that I do only see One set of Footprints...
In His Grip and So Thankful for His Love~

Hope ~ By; Beth Moore

I've grown old enough to know

That fairies don't have tails

That good men often suffer

While evil men prevail.

I've tried to find that white frame house

With matching picket fences

But found instead black picket signs

And hatred's thorny fences.

I've lived enough to see

The innocent maligned

And I've concluded fairness is

A rarity to find.

I've seen the noble dreams of man

Be in an instant shattered

I sigh to see another woman

Used and bruised and battered.

I've seen shots of tiny orphans

As rulers rise and fall

I've stood by stricken parents

And caskets way too small.

I've abandoned childish notions

That life is like pretend

I've tossed paper to the ground and sobbed

"When will this madness end?"

But I've never grown up quite enough

To leave my hope behind

I'll think I've turned my back on hope

Then bump into the kind

Of Gentle Traveller sent to bind

My wounded faith with love

Who sets my feet upon a Rock

And my mind on things above.

Then I find myself still hoping

Old folks won't be left alone

And can't seem to quit believing

Daddy's still might move back home.

And that an orphan might just find

A reason to survive

And parents of the missing

Might just find their son alive.

No, I've never grown up quite enough

To scorn sweet signs of Spring

Nor can I help but think a tree

Is happy with a swing.

And you must pardon if I hope

The Pearl of Heaven's Gate

Is the treasure I've adored

And longed to celebrate.

I Hope to hug the ones I've loved

And jump on cotton clouds

Where angels sing His holiness

And saints can laugh out loud.

Some bedtime tales are worth the tell-

May one be quickly due

Let Gabriel groom that great white horse

And board Faithful and True.

So let this world's prince mock and scorn

My hope is not ashamed

For in the King of kingdom's grand

My Hope has found a Name.

Written and Published by:

Beth Moore ~ Things Pondered

From the Heart of a Lesser Woman

Oops!!!

Hello sweet friends and precious family!! Your tender notes of support and love have drawn to me a strength that I needed to be reminded is in me through God! Tears of joy fell as I read each word...you have all touched my heart.

When I mentioned the restructure of our family, it might have come across wrong and poor choice of words on my part. It's more like and extreme makeover. Getting rid of the old ways and embarking on new communication and unity that is for our children and their well being.

I won't lie and say we are fine. Any marriage that has undergone what we have over the past 3 years would be tested to the limits, ours is no exception. (to add injury to insult...the alternator when out on the Taurus...)

So, I just wanted to ease the minds of those in concern. I've got to go and wrangle the girls.... I love each of you!!!

In His Grip!

A Time To Change Perspectives....

I look at the date of my last blog entry, has it really been almost 2 weeks? It feels, in some regards, like it's been two days. But, on the flip side a feeling of eternity comes to mind.

I believe in my heart that for the most part, I've had nothing positive to share in this blog. The valley ever deepens and it seems as if we aren't even at the bottom of it yet. I've cut a great deal of my communication off from my mentors and friends who had so gently but firmly redirected my steps back to walking in sync with God and living my life in faith of what HE has in store and not what my own eyes see. So many of those precious mentors and friends I fear would feel as if my effort to continue my walk was loosing it's fire, passion, & heart filled desire to finally once and for all...stay the course and fight the good fight.

I hear people reminding me of Job's life....and I can relate. I hear people telling me again of Paul's life with a thorn in his side....and I can relate. But have I picked up the Word for guidance and for strength to endure? No! Why? I have no idea!!

I have been so deeply drawn to Sheila Walsh and her books! As of today, there isn't a single emotional valley or season that she has walked in that I can't identify with on a very personal level. Her victory over her depression and my three precious children is what keeps me here every day. I battle it though. It's a discipline for my mind to keep it focused on the good in myself and the promise that God would never in a million years trade me in for another. I am at the end of myself and I think that is the best place to open my eyes and see the start of Him.

I pray for strength to endure the next few months as our lives as a family is restructured to a new form. I pray for patience and peace to rule my heart. I pray for the lives of those who have so graciously and endlessly poured into me that they would experience the blessings that can only flow from the hands of God. I pray for my children, that they not be affected more than they have been by this and that God would keep them out of the valley and in His protection until I can stand again feeling honored that I am a mommy. I feel so unworthy to be entrusted to raise these blessings....surely someone could do it better. But then, if God thought that, would He have given them to me in the first place? I don't think so.

So, friends and family, I return to you again to ask you for your coveted prayers and for just a small amount of continued patience with me. Many of you have traveled this roller coaster life with me and your loyalty to me is far more appreciated and valued than what I could express here right now. I honor you though ~ and I know in the future, God is going to provide the perfect platform for me to openly thank you each.

I love all of you!!! (even those of you who aren't speaking to me right now) I miss you all immensely!!

In His Grip~

The Season Is Here....

Well, as if this will shock any of you....Sunday afternoon, Kory started to feel a little "under the weather". Sunday night he ran a fever...low grade...low 100's, and just grumpy. Monday, the gates opened and he was sick. Sick by every meaning of the word.

His temperature hit it's high mark at 104.6 accompanied by "bad head" (headache) and tummy ache. He started to do the entire throwing up and throwing down thing. Concerned with everything that seems to be circulating here in Norman, I took him to urgent care Tuesday morning. After and hour wait and him continually throwing up, we were taken back to an exam room, where the Dr. came in, looked at him and said "we can't help him here. He needs to go to the emergency room". So much for that hour... so they got our referral formed filled out and sent us on our way.

We arrived at the E.R. and suprisingly taken back immediately. They ran some test and found that he had a strain of the H1N1 virus. Opting for conservative care, they chose to give him some oral zofran (nausea medication) and then a popsicle to see if he could hold that down. He did and they sent us home by 4:00 p.m.

Later that night, his temperature was still hoovering in the high 103 to 104's. To add insult to injury, he started to throw up blood. I guess all the wrenching "irritated" his espophogas and caused bleeding. I took him back to the E.R. where they went ahead and admitted him to the third floor. (this process took 3 hours). He did really well with most of it until they came to stick him with an I.V.

His nurse was great!! Ann loved on him and got it the first try. He wasn't happy though, but she won his heart back with a few new cars. They let me ride on the bed with him up to his room and trust me...from there, it was all tears and crying all night long. Daren showed up a little after 1 a.m. to bring some things both Kory and I needed and when he left, the poor little guy cried and cried. Finally at abou 4:00 a.m. they gave him another nausea medication that helped him relax a little and he slept from 5:00 a.m. to about 7:30 a.m.

Upon waking, he managed to eat 1/2 of a popsicle and then by lunch time, they had let him have some "real" food and I believe that's when he started to make his "come back". The Dr. returned Wednesday night and discharged us to come home.

It's been another long week. They all seem to be these days. But, I have hope for a brighter future....one with less drama and more joy. Good things come to those who wait...and I am doing my best to not allow my heart to become jaded or cynical in all the negativity that surrounds me.

Thank you to everyone who sent notes and calls to wish him well. Thank you also most importantly for your prayers! We covet those and adore them dearly! I feel blessed to have such a great support system of friends!!

Much love to all!!

~ Homesick ~

There are days where the struggles still get the best of me and I become weak in my walk, in my faith, that anything good could ever come out of something so tragic that crosses the path of life and takes it away too soon. Too soon by our terms, but certainly according to the Word of God, in His perfect time. "Perfect time"... how can something that's supposed to be so perfect hurt so much...cause the heart to bleed pain and suffering? And if it is so perfect, why doesn't the gut wrenching pain and "wind knocked out of ya" feeling go away or at least fade... Can't that be a trade off for those left to feel the depths of loss?

I still, 10 months later, have more questions than ever been given answers. I don't know any more "why's" or "because" than I did, nor do I see this knowledge being revealed. I still don't know how to do this, how to grieve, in a way that honor's God. As this song says, and the one true fact that we have to hold on to (and sometimes just having something to hold on to is enough to put one foot in front of the other....)is that "In Christ there are no goodbye's; In Christ there is no end" So we are supposed to find a way to hold on to Jesus with all that we have until we see Major again, and live moment by moment....but I think it's alright with God that we live a little homesick for Him...for Heaven...for a life unknownst to pain...

Help me Lord, cause I don't understand Your ways,
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know....
but even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same
because I'm still here, so far away from home...

I close my eyes, and I see your face
if homes where my heart is, then I'm outta place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ there are NO goodbyes,
In Christ there is NO end,
So I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have
to see you again, to see you again....

AND I CLOSE MY EYES AND I SEE YOUR FACE
IF HOME'S WHERE MY HEART IS THAN I'M OUTTA PLACE
LORD WON'T YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH SOMEHOW
WON'T YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH SOMEHOW
WON'T YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MAKE IT THROUGH SOMEHOW
I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE HOMESICK THAN NOW....

Kristi Megan and Ashley's Birthday Party at Nana and Papa's 2009 OKC

Click here to view these pictures larger

No Internet & Still Working on Blog Issues

We have lost our internet again....it's been down for the last day or so. Soooo.... just a little FYI for those of you wondering where I/We have gone....other than CRAZY!!! :0)

Blog Problem

Ahhhh!!!! Something terribly wrong has happened to my blog and the background, layout, and "gadgets" that previously were on the sidebar. Please be patient as I attempt to fix this...if you have any suggestions or ideas, please let me know!! I am desperate!!!!

Happy Birthday to My Precious Daughters!

My Precious Megan & Ashley....

Two years ago today, my life was forever changed in the most amazing way. Your birth and pregnancy not only tested my body's limits but deepened my faith in God and truly brought me to realize that I had been living my life relying too much on my own strength.

August 18th of 2007....it was late in the evening and I started to realize (for the approximately 50th time) that something was wrong. But, this time it was something different. It wasn't anything like the kidney stones, pulmonary edema, or cardiomyopthay. It wasn't really contractions either. I just felt that it was important that I get to the hospital quickly. I finally managed to tell Daren. I got in my car and drove myself to the hospital where I had become a "frequent flyer" during this pregnancy. Shortly after midnight they started running tests to figure out just exactly what was going on. Early on the morning of the 19th, we realized it was not only my 35th birthday ~ but that you two had decided that, 9 weeks early, you would be the best birthday gift I could ever hope for! :0)

So, they loaded me up in the ambulance and took me lights and sirens to Plano, Texas just outside of Dallas. Tyler, where we lived at the time, did not have a level III NICU and the closest one was 2 hours away. (about 60 minutes when your screaming down the interstate that your babies are coming and the ambulance drivers are begging you that they'll drive faster if you just promise not to have them on the way there....I did my best and made it.)

Your daddy made it to the hospital with just minutes to spare. Nana Joyce was standing at the end of the hall when they brought me onto the labor and delivery floor. I was SO happy and relieved that she was there!! (Thank you mom for making sure you got there!!) 45 minutes after arriving at Presbyterian Hospital of Plano, you made your grand entrance!!

Megan Hope arrived first. You were so tiny!! I had never set my eyes on such a tiny baby. I only got to see you for about 3 seconds and then a team of nurses rushed you off to the NICU ~

They were kind enough to get a picture of daddy and you before they took you off...I hated watching them wheel you down the corridor and out of the OR without me...but my job wasn't done just yet. Your sister was on her way too....

Ashley, you for some reason felt that the further up into my rib cage you could squirm, the better. You had a hold of one of my ribs and would not let go. You were holding on with all you had. Finally, after 45 seconds of wrestling with you, you graciously gave in and let go. Sweetheart, I didn't even get to see you. You were so tiny! So much more tiny than your "tiny" sister!! You fought so hard to breathe but it just wasn't going to happen on your own. There was an amazing team of neonatal doctors there and they RAN you down the hall and into the NICU where a tube was put down your throat to help you breathe. You weighed only a little over 3 pounds. Meggie just over 4. (And I still can't figure out if your combined weight was 7 pounds....how could I have gained 80 pounds...Maybe I was loading up for those last 9 weeks that you were supposed to me "with me")

I told Daddy to go and be with you. You both needed him and he needed you. We were blessed with an amazing team of physicians, physicians assistants, and nurses. They not only cared for you, but they cared for us.

As I made my way out of recovery and into my own room, they wheeled me to the NICU on the gurney so I could see you. I was terrified. I felt as though I had failed you in some way to cause you to come this early. You both had to fight so hard, but Ash, your road for the first few days was much more difficult.

I didn't get to hold either of you but for 30 minutes at a time every four hours. They called it "touch time". The rest of the time, I sat in a chair and watched you all day, every day, until the nurses made me leave to get some rest.


They had given us "cuddle dolls"...small doll shaped pieces of fabric that we were supposed to wear between our clothing and chest. Then, you slept on them and this was supposed to make you feel secure and safe. And ya know what? When you had the cuddle dolls, your heart rates stabilized as did your pulse ox. I would have done anything to help you....anything!!

At 13 days into this journey, Megan became very sick. I had left to pick Daddy up from DFW airport and was only gone about 90 minutes. When we walked back into the NICU, there was a bunch of stuff going on in your wing and we wondered what it was. As we started to walk in, we were met with one of the physicians. They told us that you had become very ill and the next 12-24 hours could be your last. "Necrotizing Entercolitis" is what they told us you had (or NEC) and that is an intestinal infection that can perforate your intestines. They took you out of bed with your sissy and stopped all feedings, put you on IV anti-biotics, and there we sat. Crying, feeling defenseless. Your daddy and I would have traded places with you in a second. It didn't seem fair that you would suffer. You had never done anything. You never cried, except when they put the IV in....I think I cried just as hard as you did. We couldn't hold you. We weren't supposed to even touch you. How was that supposed to be possible?? The 12 hour mark came and you were still stabilized. The 24 hour mark came and still, you were with us. 24 hours turned into 48 and 48 into 72... for 7 days we watched with hopeful anticipation and deepening dependence in God that you were in His hands. Never has my faith been tested to this level. I wish my relationship with God had been on a more intimate level before this happened because the well of strength to draw from would have been deeper. BUT, God did use this opportunity to draw us ever closer to His heart and there isn't a person on this earth that could ever convince me that miracles still don't happen.
Ashley held her own by herself in the "big crib".... though she much preferred you to curl up with. They kind of gave us the 30 minutes we were supposed to get to hold Megan so that we could hold you twice as long. That helped soooooo much!!

From that point on....there were still small steps backwards, but progress forward far outweighed those steps. And before we knew it, you were home. We were all home together and the next phase of our journey as a family of 5 began. It was a long 8 weeks with you in the NICU. It was a long 8 weeks to be away from your big brother. But, that was behind us and forward we did march! There were tough days and there were tougher days. But God's grace and mercy sustained us.
For a short time, you shared a bed...but soon, we realized that THAT would not last long. Ashely, you did not leave Megan alone. :0) Such a sign of the way you were while I carried you in the pregnancy and the way you are today.

Kory FINALLY agreed to touch you and look at you. It took some "constructive direction" but it did happen over time. He kept saying "No!! Take them back!" (More about that story at another time....)



So, through all these words, what I am trying to say is.... I love you! I loved you from the second I knew you! You brought me closer to God in ways I am so thankful for!! I could not think of a birthday gift more incredible than to share it with you! I look forward to the time we have together...You are such miracles!! True miracles. Thank you for the blessing you are in my life!! Happy Birthday girls!! Mommy loves you!

Keep smiling!! You've brought joy to so many!!!

And always remember that you're not only beautiful on the outside... but your hearts are beautiful too!

And keep laughing with that giggle that comes from the tips of your toes!!!

Again, I love you!!!

Hugs and kisses!!!

Extraordinary Faith ~ Sheila Walsh

So, my friends....it's 4:30 in the morning and I woke up, tired, but unable to go back to sleep. I've learned over time that when I can't fall back into a peaceful sleep, God has something to say to me, that in the craziness of my day, I wouldn't probably hear.

This dark quiet morning is no different. I rolled out of bed, stumbling over various boxes and totes that for some reason I can't bring myself to unpack. I found the laptop (that my brother so graciously let us borrow) and turned the light of my cell phone on to look for my Bible. As I found my Bible, I also found a book by Sheila Walsh; "Extraordinary Faith ~ God's Perfect Gift for Every Woman's Heart". And trust me, I thirst for that very thing.

Chapter 1 ~ An Uncertain Beginning ~ When Our Plans Fall Apart



(This is no "luck" to find, this is my God. This is one of the many ways in which, when I still my heart and turn it towards Him and sit in silence, He speaks ever so softly and tenderly.)

The introduction to this chapter starts with a quote and Scripture from Hebrews.

My faith has found a resting place,

Not in device or creed;

I trust our ever living One,

His wounds for me shall plead.

I need no other argument,

I need no other plea,

It is enough that Jesus died,

And that He died for me!!

~Eliza E. Hewitt, 1891

Hebrews 11:1 ~

Now faith is the SUBSTANCE of things hoped for,

the evidence of things NOT SEEN. (NKJV)

In my lifetime, I have been blessed to know many people of great faith. Sheila Walsh and her testimony has been a truly pure example of true faith in every life circumstance. I gravitate to her writing because there is a connection I feel with her testimony and I believe with all my heart, God has put this amazing lady and her writing in front of my journey to let me know, "You are not alone My child"!!!

There are a few points in this first chapter that I wanted to bullet here below. I encourage you to pick up this book if you find yourself in a valley with faith wavering and hopelessness or helplessness (true attacks from the enemy...and not thoughts of God).

~ Psalm 37 "The Lord DELIGHTS in the way of the man whose steps he has made firm. Though he stumble, he will NOT FALL, for the Lord UPHOLDS Him WITH HIS HAND"(emphasis mine)

~ "I have stood with others as they have buried their children even though they were godly people who had asked God to spare their loved ones. The issue that troubles me most with faith is the burden many carry when they don't get the answer they have prayed for. They feel as they have failed n some way. That seems a cruel yoke to wear in the midst of pain. I have received their letters and heard their pain-filled words....

-> "If I would have had more faith, my child would not have died"

-> "If I had more faith, I would find a husband"

-> "If I had more faith, this curse of cancer would leave me"

~ "During my tenure as co host of "The 700 Club", we aired stories of those who had experienced God's miraculous intervention in their lives. The stories were inspiring and, Pat believes, faith-building. My problem with that when all you show are the stories with the happy endings, it can seem to those watching that God always responds that way if you have enough faith. Therefore, if your child dies or your husband doesn't come home, you have failed in some way.

~ "My heart ached for God's people who were longing to find some mysterious key that would unlock the answers they desired

~ "I like things to make sense to me. I want to be able to understand what God is doing, but that's not always the case. Sometimes the plans we have made, the hopes and dreams that we carry, fall apart at our feet. Are you in that place now? Do you wonder if god has abandoned you, or if you have missed God somewhere along the path? It is the loneliest place on earth as a believer to feel as if God has left you OR to live with the taunting voice that says you have blown it and missed Gods' best for your life. As we walk through this book together, I pray that we will receive a clearer picture of what it means to walk by faith, no matter what sight may tell us"

That is just a few of the points that struck a chord in my heart. I am excited to read this book. My faith is in need of an extreme makeover from our Father who loves us beyond comprehension!!

Sheila Walsh is one of the most amazing people that I "know". I say "know" because I don't "know her, know her"...I just feel a pure connection between her life and my own. From life struggles. She has been through a great deal, but God never left her side and it is so apparent in this book...and any of her book that you might read.

Below I've posted a picture of this book and if you click on it, it will take you to her website, where in her own words, you can read her testimony. (If it doesn't, go to: http://www.sheilawalsh.com/index.html

If you've struggled, if you have questioned, if you just need to find your faith again and be reassured that God is there with you, I urge you to pick up one of her books. If you can't afford to buy one, I will see what I can do to get one for you. Just click on the comment button at the bottom of this post and leave me your address or the address of where it can be shipped to and I will find a way to put this book or a Bible in your hands.

May God bless both you the reader and me the writer today in whatever challenge or battle you may be in. If you are on the top of the mountain, full of rejoicing...may your faith be strengthened and may you see the path that God has walked you through. Even as Christians, our faith can be tested. God does this to prune us and grow us into His likeness.

May your day be filled with the most abundant blessings and I pray that God touches your life today in a way that fills you with his peace, love, and compassion. And remember....He faileth NOT!

In His Grip, Through His Grace~

A Few Other 2009 Summer Memories....

Taking time to smell the flowers....
And they said she would never walk.....

or talk....trust me...she does both...ALL THE TIME...and it's precious!!

Ashley with her great uncle Lewis.... it was so good to see him. This is my Dad's brother...GREAT man!!!

And there she goes again.....the OTHER direction....

Ashley is trying to figure a way to climb up the gutter.... she is

always into something....very "mechanical"...

And Kory....at three he does not stop.....talking that is. He will narrate the entire day...expressing or pointing out various things multiple times....you won't miss much with him around. He'll make sure you see it all!! Sweet Heart!

Uncle Lewis, Ashley, & Papa..... Hangin with the big dogs!

Buddy, you've grown up to be such a tall little guy. It almost makes the thought you are ONLY 3 insane!!!

Monday ~ August 17th

Ah! We lost our Internet connection Friday & just got it back a few hours ago. So... I'll update those of you sitting on the edge of your seats (ha ha!) of the latest Cole calamity! :0) The "connection" with the internet comes and goes...so this may be a chopped up note....apologies!

Last Friday: Had mammogram and ultrasound to diagnose lump found. "Radiologist" said he wasn't sure what it was and that he "suggested" I sit on it for now and come back in 6 months for re-evaluation. Yeah right. 6 months. For me, not a good enough treatment plan. (Not trying to be argumentative, but have heard too many stories of "mis (or over looked) diagnosis" ) My Dr.'s office called this morning...they didn't like that plan either. They have me scheduled to see Dr. Rable, a general surgeon in the Breast Care Center at Norman Regional so we can do a biopsy to get a firm diagnosis. Appointment: September 1.

Last Friday P.M./Saturday all day: My parents offered to keep the kids Friday night and all day Saturday. Woo hoo! Actually got to go out to dinner and talk. WAY OVERDUE and much needed. I'm thankful for that time. I've realized though that I can't expect perfection and fairy tale endings. The last 5 months have taken a tole on my heart and I need to lean on God for support and guidance and trust that we are in the palm of His hand. He's carried me this far and I know that He will continue to and protect my heart......... Saturday night, my parents gave the girls and I a birthday party! (For those of you just joining this journey, Megan Hope and Ashley Lynn were born on my 35th birthday two years ago...arriving at 31 weeks, we spent our first months together in the Plano, Texas NICU). The party was perfect! My mom made one of my all time favorite cakes....a bunny cake with "7 minute frosting"....delish! They gave the girls a Little People doll house...and they love it!! Megan's imagination runs wild as she acts out each "family" member. Ashely, is content to move all and any furniture that Megan puts in the doll house. A few times, I've seen the kitchen sink hurlled through the air...that's my girl!! Yikes. My mom....she gave me the best gift I've ever been given!! She took 400 (yes four hundred) pictures of me since the day I was born until today and put them all in an album for me. I cried like a baby...and I loved every tear that fell!! I have never looked at my life that way nor has anyone ever spent that kind of time to put something together just for me. It is something that I will treasure always!! Thanks Mom and Dad!!!

Another probably "NOT note-worthy" event, but one I will comment on because I can...has to do with the Nationwide NASCAR Race held in Michigan Saturday afternoon. It was a great race. From start to finish. (Love NASCAR!!!) I'd normally never comment on a race in a blog... maybe just to acknowledge Dale Jr.'s win....lol....but the closing moments of the race still make my blood pressure rise....(Those of you who aren't NASCAR fans and don't know who Kyle Bush is...you can skip this paragraph because it won't make any sense and you'll have no idea why this has my blood boiling....) Kyle Bush did it again. As he has at almost every race for the past three years. He races dirty. He doesn't know how to race clean and will stop at nothing to see his car in victory lane at the finish of a race. His persistence is not what bothers me. What bothers me is the crying, whining, complaining, and blaming he does after EVERY race he DOESN'T win. Seriously Kyle? Was it necessary for you to run into the right fender of Brian Vickers car as he pulled onto pit row? Was it a requirement for you to, as usual, stick your unwanted face into someones car when your feelings get hurt.....only to run away when the other driver is given the opportunity to get out and respond? Was it really all Brian's responsibility to notice how Kesslowski was moving up fast from behind and move up the track? Where was your rear view mirror? Do you not have one or is it tilted down so that you can check yourself out as you drive? As Brian said at the end of the race after you got your air time to cry and whine (someone hand this poor boy a Kleenex) "I didn't know this was the Kyle Bush show". He also went on to say that he wanted to get out of the car so that you could talk about this man to man....I think in the "man to man" statement...he gave you to much credit! You are like the playground bully who really doesn't have a spine after all. I'm so tired of the way you race. Sure, it gives for some exciting races...but I have a notion that they would be just as good without you ram roding everyone to try and catch the checkered flag! Your brother had made a 180 degree turn around from how angry he used to get...so has "Smoke" (Tony Stewart). You need to find out what they did to control their emotions and get on it, take part in it, or learn to use more appropriate "feeling" words.

OKAY....with that being said (so sorry for "venting".....no, no I'm really not....that's how I "feel")

In the late hours of Saturday, I managed to jam my right big toe into the couch and pop up the nail. (SHOCKER HUH???) I tried, and tried, and tried to pull it off myself...but I just couldn't do it. Urgent Med...here we come....again!! (I wish they had one of those cards you get punched every time you go and like the 10th visit would be free....now that's health care reform~) Got it numbed up, cut off, and wrapped up. Daren was anything but happy about spending his Sunday morning with me that way. Oh well, what's done is done. Sorry!!

So, that brings me to today. Monday. August 17th! Quiet day. Not much to share. I'm trying to get the kids outgrown clothes priced and safety pinned to hangers for the "Just Between Friends" sale at the OKC fairgrounds next weekend.(A LARGE children's consignment sale held twice a year) It's not a terrible task to do....but with Ashley wanting to try on everything and Kory digging though the piles while Meggie lays on the clothes....it's been taking me a little longer than I had anticipated. I've got 4 LARGE totes left to price and hang...by Friday afternoon. Not impossible...just starting to feel the pressure. (Oh....and mom and dad are having a garage sale this weekend as well and I have to get the other stuff over there to their house by Thursday...) Kory, who usually has school twice a week, is home all week. I love it, but it's just not the "help" I need right now. "Mommy? What are you doing?"... "Mommy? What's this?".... "Mommy? You not sell this. I put it away in my room."

All I can say is....let the good times roll!!! I've thrown a few recent pictures to the bottom of this post...hopefully they will help make reading this worth it....

In His Grip~

**My Dad and His brother (my Uncle Lewis) went on a fishing expedition out west...on the trail back home to Oklahoma, they stopped off in Utah to see my brother and his great family. The following are some of those pictures! I miss them so much!!!! (In case I haven't already said that at one time or another! Lol)

My amazing sister-in-law with the newest Rhodes addition ~ Noelle!

What a cutie!!! (Both of them!) :0)
My sweet Lillian!!! Oh how I miss you girl!
Somer!! Your hair is getting so long!! It looks beautiful!! Has it been long enough since I've seen you for your hair to have grown that much?? I love and miss you too sweet girl!
Marin!! Your mommy's helper!! You are growing up so fast and every year you become more and more amazing!! I love you....give your new sissy a hug and kiss for me please! :0)
The Rhodes Family ~ July 2009
I miss you all soooo much!!!
My brother and his youngest..... GREAT Picture Dave!!!
Sweet and Sassy!!! That's my girls!!
Papa & His Girls!
Noelle ~ You are a beauty!! I can't wait to give you lots and lots of kisses!!

Tomorrow...

I went to the Dr. today....LOVED her!! She was so compassionate and encouraging! Truly a breath of relief compared to the other physicians we've run across since being here.

She got me scheduled for a mammogram tomorrow (Friday) at 10:00 a.m. I'll once again call on you for prayer!! I know I am in good hands, so I am peaceful in that regard.
Trying my best not to worry, but that's always a tough one for me. I'll post something as soon as I get results back. (hopefully tomorrow)

Love to all!
In His Grip!

Protege ~ Justin Barnard

Talk to me.....

I want to know what my God sounds like...

let me know that You're still here...

bend a rule i won't tell anybody...

this quiet hurts when i'm not near.

let these bones You've crushed rejoice...

let this spirit broken hear Your voice...

let this will become Your way...

to trust in You...

to follow and obey.

I want to be the one You call up just to talk to late at night...

i want to be in on an inside joke with You God...

i want to be like David...

dancing in Your presence...

i want to be Your protege.

When in the valley...

i know i tend to cling to Your hand...

'cause i'm afraid when i can't see...

but on the mountain top oh i like to stand alone there...

that's when You break and rescue me.

written by; Justin Barnard

album; welcome to love

When Is Something Going to Change?

Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong? I don't get why things continue to be trial after trial. Nothing ever seems to result in progress or change.

We are entering our 6th month of not having a job. 6 months of living in a home that isn't our own. 6 months of all structure and schedules gone out the window. 6 months of financial stress that is tearing our family apart. Though I know in the deepest part of my heart that God is in control & my head tells me He'll take us through no more than what we can endure... I need Him to pick me up and place me in the palm of His hand.

I miss the simplicity of enjoying my kids. The joy that would echo through our home. Mind you, I realize that there were times, seasons even, when they all cried, were sick, or teething.... but still, we were together, as a family.

The girls have started the "cat fights" already. Womping each other with full force on the back, pinching, pushing and shoving. And they aren't even two yet!!! Kory's trying 3's are worse than his terrible two's. I believe it's because at 3, they know they have choices and the method of distracting him to something else doesn't work nearly like it did because he recalls what he was doing and goes right back to it.

Bed time has become an all out battle again with him that some nights carries into the late evening hours....11:00 or so. He's sleeping with Grandma which, is okay for now, but when we are back on our own....does he think he'll be sleeping in our bed? I hope not.

We are up to our neck with medical bills and calls from creditors that want us to pay, and pay now, AND pay in full. I've attempted several times to explain that the unemployment that we receive hardly covers living expenses for the five of us, and now that we are having to pay our insurance premiums with that income as well....it's stretching less and less.

I know this blog was intended to be one of enlightenment and encouragement. I am tired though and on the horizon, well, the light seems to be drifting further and further away. I have to close my eyes and cry out to God to just keep going every day...and maybe that's the moral of this season. Total and complete dependence on Him. I thought that was what we have been doing. But I don't know. I've prayed that He enlighten my eyes to the areas that I need to change. I know I am not perfect. I know that there are those whose valley is much deeper than ours. (this brings me to thoughts of my brother and Darcy ~ wishing so much that we could talk. I haven't been able to connect with them in a few weeks....)

So, it's noon and the only thing I've managed to accomplish is changing 9 diapers, dress three children, feed two of them (the other is at "school"), pack Kory's backpack and lunch & get him off to school, write 4 letters of plea to providers for mercy in payment on our outstanding debt from medical care, make 4 bottles, and give Ashley a breathing treatment. I want to shower. I want to get myself ready for the day. I want to sit in quiet to hear the Lord and seek out His will.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my "new" OB/GYN here in Norman. I found a lump about the size of a nickle on my right breast and I am terrified about that as well. It's painful and has rapidly increased from the size of a pea over the last two weeks!! I wish I was seeing Dr. Harris, my OB in Tyler. She knows me and one of my dearest (and first true friends in Tyler) is her nurse who has battled for me in prayer for over 4 years! I miss them!!! Argh!!! Something.... always....

I am beyond "Calgon!!! Take me away!!!" And if I hear ONCE MORE about congress and their "need" for privet jets to cart them around the country....they're gonna hear what a "real need" is.

Grumpy, you might ask??? Yes!! Terribly grumpy and frustrated!!!

God!! Please!!! Place Your hand of peace on my heart.

Do I Really Have A Voice?

A very, very, (did I say, very??) good friend of mine in Tyler gave me a book not long before we made our way to where we now call home. Peggy dropped off a book that has changed my view, or rather my voice, about politics. "The 5,000 Year Leap" Principles of Freedom 101.

For so long, I would shy away from political conversations because I just couldn't stand the debate. What would my one small voice change? How many of us think that same thing?

As I continue to read this ever so enlightening book about the Principles on which our Founding Fathers established our country and government, I can see how the line from what they established and where we stand today has widen over the years. There are those who have twisted those principles and turned them around to fit their selfish and sinful ways.

In today's government, there is no acknowledgment of God, which is profoundly stated in the first principle. In fact, they are truly trying to remove God from everything!! There is scarcely a politician in office who lives with integrity, moral conviction, or virtue. And the third principle is what the Role of Religion did (and should still) play in the structure of our government and the choices in which they make for us (and in their private lives, Democrats, Republicans, or Independents!!!!) ....

There are many more principles that these diverse men of different economical and social backgrounds managed to come together and agree on the basic principles on which we were founded.

What happened to men like that? Where did those men go? Where did we ever start believing that those who held office on a local, or national, level have to be bred into it? They don't!!!

We all have a voice. Our voices singularly may seem to us individually, small. But, as each voice speaks, we will be heard. (Kind of like Horton Hears a Who...."WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE! WE ARE HERE!) .... sorry, but that is just what comes to mind. Take a stand while we still have a chance to take one.

And Peggy, thank you for planting that seed in my heart! I think of you every time I get outraged at the corruption in our world, knowing that we share so many of the same points of view. And at times, I wonder when I watch Hannity or Beck if you are watching too... :o) I miss you sweet friend!! Thanks for showing me that I had a voice!!

In His Grip!
Kristi

Small Strides In Improvement...

Ah! Praise the Lord that Ashley is making small strides in getting better. (I knew this morning when she was standing on her head on the recliner and all I could see from the back was her toes wiggling in the air, she was getting better!) As long as she doesn't get too excited she seems to be okay. Her world still revolves around just her! :0) She is a hoot. Thank you so much for the prayers & emails and I will continue to keep everyone updated on her progress!!!!!

In His Grip!

Ashley Has RSV & Struggling to Breathe....

It always seems as if something is wrong. My heart is growing weary and I hurt for my little ones.

We took all three to the pediatrician on Thursday. Kory was the first to come down with the "summer cold" that they were all three diagnosed with. Megan got it second. Her symptoms were worse than Kory's that included a high fever, upper respiratory congestion, sore throat, and coughing that sounded like a dog barking. Ashley was the last to catch it with her symptoms being far worse than the other three. She's been throwing up in addition to running a fever of 103.6 to this morning 104.2. The Dr. yesterday said that there was no reason for concern and to give them all 5-7 days for signs of improvement. I attempted to explain the underdevelopment of Ashley's respiratory system and her asthma issues, but my feelings were that it was all just "brushed off".

This morning when Ashley woke up, she was screaming, coughing that sounded like a seal barking, and her temp was over 104. I wrapped her up and took her over to urgent care where, after chest x-rays, blood testing, & swab for RSV....the testing came back positive. She has RSV. There is fluid in the upper quadrants of her lungs which we are praying stays there and doesn't move to the lower part, which would mean pneumonia. Her pulse ox this morning was 91, which is on the high end of low, and she was really having a struggle to breath.

The Physician and staff were incredibly considerate and compassionate. After discussing with them the fact that our health insurance is not in effect due to a "discrepancy", they wrote her three prescriptions, Anti-biotics, steroids, and cough suppressant. These are in addition to her Xoponex and Pulmicort breathing treatments that we are supposed to give her every 4 hours for her asthma.

I always worry probably more than I should about my children, but that is who I am as a mother. Ashley has always had difficulty breathing from her premature birth. She was inti bated a lot longer than Meggie was and had multiple apnea episodes while still in the hospital. Please pray for Ashley that within the next 12-18 hours these medications help her health to improve so that we can keep her out of the hospital. Also, though, pray that I go with what my instincts tell me to do and not waffle because of extenuating circumstances.

I appreciate these prayers more than you know!! Thank you so much!

In His Grip~

Safe in the Arms of God ~ John MacArthur

The following is an excerpt from the book, "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This book has been a great source of comfort. To have read this and not share it, would be going against what I truly feel the Holy Spirit is leading me to do. If you've lost an infant, child, or suffered a miscarriage, this book is a perfect road map to anyone searching for some direction in the grieving process.

I've personally felt at times, I didn't know what to do. The agonizing pain of losing Major and the miscarriages that we've suffered through have seem debilitating at times. I only wish I would have had this book three years ago when our journey through suffering truly began. If you know someone who has lost a child, this will truly enlighten your heart to the cavern of pain their hearts endure!
So, here goes....

Chapter 8 ~ "How Shall We Minister to Those Who Are Grieving?"

A number of parents who have lost infants have shared with me through the years that they have received wonderful, wise, Godly counsel after their babies died. Others, however, have told me they received very bad or weak counsel. In some cases, what people said or did only added to their pain and confusion. In this chapter, I want to portray to you the type of ministry I hope you will seek out in your loss. Knowing that the Lord very likely will call upon you to minister to others in the future, I also want to help you in a very practical way to become a wonderful, wise, Godly counselor to others. (page 151)



A Loss for the Entire Community
(page 157-169)
I want to share one more story with you because it covers so many of the wonderful things we can do as fellow Christians for those who have experienced the death of a child.

Dan and Pamela, two members of our church, wrote eloquently to me of the life and death of their infant son, Ryan. Each of them wrote about their experience, and I want to share both of their letters with you. Here is what Dan wrote from his perspective as a father: (This sounds as familiar as to the heart of my amazing brother who lost his son at 15 months of age. Dave, my prayer is that you will read this and gleam some sort of comfort. You are not alone my dear friend. And these precious people would love to share with you encouragement and understanding if you should want to talk to someone who REALLY KNOWS YOUR PAIN!!)

"Awake or Asleep We Live Together With Him." These are the words carved in bronze on my son's gravestone. They are the unshaken hope and comfort of Mom and Dad.

Ryan died in my arms six years ago. I held and kissed him until he stopped breathing. The medical staff at Children's Hospital made every heroic effort to save his life. Yet, he was unable to survive the trauma of intestinal surgery. His heart simply gave out.

Ryan graced the earth for seven days. My wife's connection to him was longer and more profound. She carried him thirty-five weeks to delivery.

Without going into great detail, Ryan was born healthy. While small - under three pounds - his lungs were developed and he breathed without assistance. An intestinal infection on his sixth day changed that perspective. (We came so close to losing our Megan Hope to this same intense illness, which will be shared later) Our hearts were dashed over the nest forty-eight hours as his condition seemingly stabilized then worsened repeatedly in what some assess as a cruel rhythm. In the end, Ryan was spared a difficult life and ushered into God's presence.

God's will in suffering is often veiled in mystery. We rejoice that He allowed us to perceive the good that was wrought through Ryan's brief life. I came face-to-face with these unalterable truths:

First, I came face-to-face with the reality that God alone is sovereign. I am not. He controls every aspect of my future - from our family's health to our standard of living. I do not. As a man, it was easy to succumb to the "myth of control" and a sense of exaggerated importance. Any integrity, intellect, determination, creativity, or persuasion on my part, however, could not dictate an outcome here. I had no control. God did.

Second, Christ and His Word are sufficient. As the psalmist promised, "In God's presence is fullness of joy." His Word and its promises are reliable. While our faith was tested, our heavenly Father was found faithful. His grace proved sufficient. In our weakness His love and peace enveloped us. The mind of Christ kept any root of bitterness or self-pity from undermining our communion with God or each other. Any peace or strength we displayed were only a function of God's grace in our life. We were cradled by our great God of comfort.

Third, this trial enabled us to experience the unbridled love of the body of Christ. The perspective, presence, and love Pastor MacArthur and Christian friends touched us deeply. We were loved in many tangible ways. To our great joy this did not go unnoticed by our unsaved friends and family members.

Fourth, the gospel was advanced because of Ryan's life. (As was Major's) God's love and "His peace which surpasses all understanding" were real and on display. This gave us comfort as Ryan's death provided a platform to share God's truth and love. The gospel message was clearly presented at Ryan's memorial service and in many intimate conversations. (Darcy's brother, Jed, did an amazing job at sharing God's Word during Major's memorial service. Probably the hardest thing he's done. Tate, as well, shared God's Word and God's love. Dave, with one hand on Major's casket and the other stretched towards Heaven shared with all how during even the most tragic moment of their lives as parents that "God is good". What strong faith and trust in our God these three men exhibited during such deep pain and sorrow)



And finally, heaven is more real to us. Heaven is not a vague concept or mysterious destination anymore. We long for that day of communion with Christ and reunion with Ryan.

And here is what Pamela wrote of that same experience - what a tender message from the heart of a grieving mother:


When our daughter Megan Hannah was ten months old, we learned our second child was on the way. We were happy our little family was increasing in number. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I remember telling Danny I felt an overwhelming sense the Lord was going to put our faith to the test. "I think we are going to go through the biggest trial of our lives." How and to what degree was unknown. The Lord was preparing us even in those early weeks.

I was four months along when our trial began to unfold. My first ultrasound showed something inconsistent, and my doctor referred me to an ultrasound specialist at Genetics Institute for a more in-depth ultrasound. I was terrified. (I can truly relate as Daren and I went through so much of what Pamela is about to share.) We called family and friends asking for prayer. The appointment came and the ultrasound confirmed that a little more than half of my placenta had completely stopped functioning. The umbilical cord was not providing enough nourishment, blood, or oxygen for our baby to thrive. Our baby was grossly underdeveloped.

We endured genetics counseling with a specialist, which was horrifying. It was meant to be very helpful and informative. They counseled us on our "options" and blandly explained our baby was at high risk for what seemed like every imaginable long-term illness that would require extensive care: spina bifida, cystic fibrosis, and so forth. (This same news, with the difference that Megan was diagnosed with having Cerable Palsy due to water, blood, and a dilated ventricle in her brain.) Chances were our baby was going to die before birth, at birth, or shortly after birth. The statistics were unbelievably high toward that end.

My doctor placed me on home bed rest and only allowed me to shower in the morning and use the rest room as needed. My only time out of the house was to go to a doctor's appointment. I had to rely on an intricate schedule of friends coming in shifts to take care of all the practical matters related to my child and my home.

Each visit to the specialist was an answer to prayer, however, and another chance to cling to God in prayer. Our little baby boy, as we found out, went from having a hole in his heart to having no hole in his heart, from having water around his brain to having no water around his brain, from having no growth rate at all to having grown, from having decreased flow of blood, oxygen, and nourishment to having increased flows, from having abnormally low fluid levels to having just the right amount. These are just a few of the examples of serious things that showed up each and every time we went to see the specialist. The specialist was always bewildered as to why these things clear up. We knew why they cleared up, and we took opportunities to explain to him why! Our God was bigger than any of the life-threatening physical abnormalities we faced each time we went to see the specialist. We fervently brought every little detail before the Lord, and by the time we would go to our next appointment, He had already done His work. We made sure it was a testimony to God and not anything we had done on our own. It wasn't "luck" - it was God being involved in every little detail of our son's knitting together.

We slowly started realizing the opportunities God was laying before us to share Christ with those we cam into contact with and to be a good testimony of God's work in our lives. Our prayer lives were never stronger as we both prayed for our little son and for what the Lord would have for him and for us.

Home bed rest turned into hospital bed rest. I was hooked up to everything and monitored every fifteen minutes around the clock, being stuffed with up to five thousand calories a day. (with the twins, they "stuffed" me full of eight to nine thousand calories a day. And yes, being monitored and checked every fifteen minutes can be a test in itself) I received regular steroid shots to boost the development of our son's lungs as well. I was lonely for my family - I missed being a wife and mother. (Oh can I ever relate to that. I remember begging the Dr.'s in Dallas to let me go home. Being away from Kory and Daren was so difficult)

After a little over three weeks in the hospital, the physicians determined that Ryan was at a higher risk being in the womb than delivered, so it was time for a C-section. This was it! All the prayers were said and it was time to see what the Lord had for us. My original due date was April 15 and our son, Ryan James, was born March 11, 1996. He was the tiniest little thing, weighing only two pounds and ten ounces, measuring fifteen inches. He did pretty well on his Apgar Tests and he was considered a "well preemie baby". He was in NICU doing well and I was recovering from surgery. We were emotionally, mentally, and spiritually relieved. The Lord had seen us through all the ups and downs, and now we had little Ryan James and he would come home in a moth. We were so incredibly thankful to our Jesus for bringing our little boy into this world. Ryan was tiny, but healthy. He was our miracle baby. So many answered prayers, so much spiritual growth and reliance on the Lord - It was truly amazing! We felt blessed. Our trial finally seemed to be over.

I went home from the hospital while Ryan remained in the intensive care unit. On March 17, the NICU doctor in charge of little Ryan called and asked us to come down to the hospital. She needed to see us right away. (This, I promise you, is a terrifying call....and what you are about to read is a mirror of the footsteps that Daren and I walked, again, with Megan....) What could possibly be wrong" She told us Ryan had NEC (necrotizing entercolitis with perforation) - an intestinal bacterial infection. Our sweet little son was very sick. We were shell-shocked. Our trial was supposed to be over, and here we were being told our son was in need of immediate emergency surgery so severe they couldn't even perform it there! He was stabilized several times and transported to Children's Hospital. They explained they were going to have to remove most of his large intestine and part of his small intestine. The bacterial infection was gangrenous and spreading fast. (Meggie narrowly escaped surgery because it did not totally perforate her intestine)

They performed the surgery on Ryan, but it was too much for his little two-pound, ten-ounce body to take, and he died of cardiac arrest with pulmonary hemorrhage. Ryan died in his daddy's arms on March 18, 1996. He was one week old.

I remember someone saying it was good that he passed on before I could have become attached. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Such thinking was ridiculous. My whole life for the past four months had revolved around Ryan. I knew his every little movement in my womb. His life began way before he ever came into this world. He had not been with me for just a week - he had been with me for months.

Throughout all these months, I felt as if our faith was being tested to the nth degree. At times, I didn't even know where to turn. After Ryan died, I wondered if I was going crazy. What kept me from going over the edge?

God's Word proved itself to us again and again. His grace was, and is, faithful to His promises. These three verses were of special comfort to us:

* My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)

* The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. (Ps. 34:18)

* Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb 12:11)

At the time-and even now-my heart was broken, my sorrow deep. Even so, I knew deep within that Jesus loved us and He knew why He allowed this to happen. I kept reminding myself, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (Phil 3:12). I believed God was doing His refining work in us. He was broadening our ability to minister to other families. He knew we could endure. I relied upon His Word: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28).

The most amazing revelation was that God's Word was real. The Bible wasn't just words anymore-they came alive! We owned them and we relied on them. We knew God's Word was "living and powerful" (Heb 4:12). We had lived through it. God's grace was sufficient. He had sustained us. He had comforted us. He had provided for us. He had cared for us. He did love us. He was good to us. He knew exactly what we could handle, and He did not give us any more, or any less.

From an earthly perspective, losing a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to a family. Knowing the Lord through this, however, has brought blessing and purpose.

I can say this is a blessing for several reasons.

One, we know for certain, without a doubt, that Ryan is with Jesus and we will be reunited with him for eternity. Our life here is but a dot on a time line that never ends. Our time here without him doesn't even compare to an eternity reunited with him. We still need to be on our knees for our three daughters He has entrusted to us.........

Two, this experience has been a blessing to us because we have a renewed hope and understanding about heaven. Heaven is that much sweeter because Ryan is there. My desire to be in heaven is much more intense. Heaven, in my mind, is right around the corner. I can't wait to be there.

And three, this was a blessing because so many friends ministered to us in so many tangible ways. Their help was a testimony of God’s love, care, and concern for us. The body of Christ I n action is truly amazing-we were blown away by their kindness. Friends took care of us in so many practical ways-providing meals to baby-sitting-and also in spiritual ways by praying for us and standing with us-they did this for an extended period of time. That is NO small gift of love.

When we hear of someone losing their baby we are confronted with their pain, and it isn’t easy because we are confronted with our own pain all over again. Yet, we have had opportunities to help other families through the death of a little one. Often, words are not spoken. Just the fact that they see us still functioning and loving each other is a witness to them that God has brought us through this experience and what He has done for us, He can and will do for them if they will only trust Him.

Ten months after Ryan passed away, I had a miscarriage. A month later, we learned that we were expecting a baby-our precious Lauren Marie. I went through two more miscarriages before the Lord brought us Taryn Reece. Each pregnancy had its own trials, but through them all, I can say, “To Christ be the glory…amen!” Our reliance on the Lord and our relationship with Him has grown so much.

Dan and Pamela have seven children-three on this earth, their precious daughters. They know they have a son named Ryan James in heaven. But they also have three more children in heaven-the precious little ones they conceived who did not survive pregnancy. What a joyful reunion lies ahead for this family!

Let me point out several things to you from these letters written by this dear couple:

PRESENCE: First, Christian friends were very “present” for Dan and Pamela. They were present in their lives in very practical ways-helping with baby-sitting, food and home care. (Dave and Darcy were/are so blessed to have wonderful friends that did all that they could to help them in the weeks and months surrounding this terrible loss. They still stand with them today. We, as extended family that are unable to be in SLC right now, have a true sense that the presence of God is alive and living through these precious people!! Thank You Cameo, Buzz, Jen, and the rest of their special network of comfort and ministry)

GOD’S WORD: Second, the truth revealed in the Word of God was a vital source of strength for both parents. It is a source of strength to all who will turn to it in a time of need! Be bold in sharing words of Scripture with those who are grieving. You don’t need to preach a sermon. But you can say to a parent, “I found this verse of Scripture particularly encouraging and I thought you might find it helpful”-and then share a verse of encouragement about God’s abiding presence.

HOPE OF HEAVEN: Third, the hope of heaven was and is very real to Dan and Pamela. What a wonderful thing when Christians can talk about heaven together! Much of the sting of death is removed as we talk about the love of Jesus Christ and the glories of Heaven. Gently, compassionately, help the grieving parents to refocus their thinking from their loss to what we know to be their child’s gain.

PRAYER: Fourth, be bold in praying for and with your grieving friends. Take their sorrow to the Lord. Ask Him to heal their hearts, renew their strength, and fill them with the love and comfort of the Holy Spirit.

ENCOURAGEMENT: And finally, encourage the steps your grieving friends and loved ones to take in reaching out to others in need. Thank them for sharing what the Lord has taught them through their experience. Give them a listening ear as they share with you their testimony. Allow them to share their story as fully as they desire-in many ways, they may be rehearsing with you what will become a truly evangelistic or edifying message to someone in deep distress in the not-too-distant future. Encourage their efforts at getting involved with others who are in need or who are going through a time of crisis. It is as they reach out to others that much of their healing will occur and they will find renewed purpose in their lives.

Do not be reluctant to get involved with a person who has lost a child, even if you yourself have not had this experience. A listening ear, a loving heart, and warm expressions of acceptance and comfort are always welcome in time of loss. Even if you only say “I’m sorry and I love you”-you will have said a great deal.

God calls us to minister His presence to one another, and there is no greater time for this ministry than when a parent has lost a child. If you have lost a child, allow others to minister to you. If you know someone who has lost a child, reach out to that person with the love of The Lord. Trust God to show you what HE would have you say, do, and pray.

(Nelson Books ~A Division of Thomas Nelson Publishers~Copyright 2003 by John MacArthur)

In His Grip
~and~
Dedicated in Love to Those Precious Little Lives
"Safe In The Arms of God"

(Clicking on the Amazon Ad to the right of this post, you can purchase this book and be blessed by reading the entire book.)

The Worst Day.....

Happy Birthday Major! I miss you! I can't even find words right now. All I know, is that you're not here. Your Mommy and Daddy deeply hurt. My heart is killing me...I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me. It's too much to write for now. I just wanted to honor your birthday and tell you that my love, our love, knows no end & we will never forget!

To A Sweet Birthday Girl ~ Marin Joy

For a very sweet girl who celebrates today,

A birthday wish full of fun is being sent your way!

I wish we were together...oh what fun...

To giggle and laugh playing out in the sun!

I want you to know deep in your heart,

Of the love that I've had for you right from the start.

A small little bundle of pretty pink lace,

Into a beautiful little lady, full of style and grace.

I'm so proud of you, my adorable little niece!

May this year be filled with God's love and great peace!

So, happiest of wishes are being sent your way,

I hope it was the most spectacular of days!!

I love you so much Marin and miss you and your sisters so much! You have always been exactly as your middle name says...a true joy to be around. I've loved all the fun and crazy things we've done. I hope to see you again soon, but until then, know how much I love you! I am so sorry this was late. I had trouble with the computer a little.... Hope it was a very happy day!!

Ashley's Praise!

Ah again, she has rebounded and doing well!!! Very well today!!! The weather, I believe, has had a great deal to do with this recent cluster of asthma attacks. Today, the humidity is really low and the temperatures are in the low 80's. It is what I like to call a perfect day to be outside!! :0)

She took a good nap, Megan is still racked out, so Ashley and I are on the deck taking a minute to thank all for their prayers!

In His Grip!

Ashley

Please keep Ashley in your prayers. Her asthma has really started to give her problems and her breathing is very labored. She still tries to be active and keep up with Kory, but she is starting to have a great deal of trouble doing that. The nebulizer doesn't seem to be giving her much relief and without Dr. Barret, I am fearful over her condition as it seems to be getting worse. She gets very dark circles under her eyes, like a shiner, and her little face gets really splotchy and pale. If you watch her tummy when she breathes, you can see her retracting at times. It doesn't sound like it's in her nose or chest, it sounds like her airways are restricted.

Anyway, "some people" seem to think that I am worrying about nothing, but in the almost 4 years of being a mommy, my instincts have not once been wrong in taking them to the Dr. Please pray that it will become easier for her to breath and that her medication will kick in and start helping her. Please pray for clarity and direction for me as her mommy, that I will know exactly what to do and have the courage to stand strong in my conviction/leading by God.

Much love to everyone and I'll try my best to post an update on the rest of the Cole family mania in the next few days. It's just been a mad house!!

In His Grip!

A Lament for His Peace

I'm alone again in my room,
Another day gone, finally through.

I passed his pictures in the hall,
Traced his face & tried to stand tall.

I'm doing my best to trust in You,
that the pain will lessen in time.
But I still have those sweet images,
Burning through this heart of mine.

So full of life, from his very first breath.
Ten precious fingers, ten tiny toes, yet to take a step.

His mommy & daddy, their hearts ache every day
Why, oh God, did you allow this their way?

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes,
The ache in my heart that's so deep inside.

I've been in Your word, & down on my knees
But the silence is so loud, say something please!!!

I'd take the pain that these sweet parents bear,
And carry it as my own and to no one would share.

I'm running out of words God, isn't it Your turn to speak?
This valley is so large and I'm feeling so weak.

I've done my best, Lord, to trust You in this
I've given you my heart and lessened my grip

I've invited You in to heal this deep pain,
How long oh Lord, do we stand in the rain?

But as I have promised, and said to you before,
I'll take on their pain, if for one day more,

You'd give my dear brother and his truly precious wife,
One more day, one more moment, with this oh so precious life.

I'm asking! I'm pleading! I'm begging You God!
I can feel the emptiness grow & begin to sob!

They need so much to feel the touch of Your hand,
So strong and so peaceful so they can understand.

And if You can't tell them just one reason why,
Can You give them Your peace and comfort their cries?

I've taken a moment & looked at my past...
You've always given enough grace and mercy to last

Through every trial and every heart break,
You've walked me through, and have never forsake.

But I know in the valley, we can forget how You feel.
The power of Your goodness & might that's so real.

So, I'm asking You God, Give them a speck of light to see,
Until we are all together again, as one in Calvary.

I know this isn't the end, there will be more words to say....
But I hurt too deep inside, and must wait for another day.

Help me to sleep and into Your peace may I fall...
Shut down my tears & break down my walls.

By: Kristi Cole

March 29, 2009

I posted this poem about 4 months ago. Today, I was looking back at my journaling since January, trying to get some of it together to make a book. I ran across this poem and really felt God leading me to publish it again. I don't know if it is for myself or if there is someone else out there in the world who needs a little lift... a little note to know that they are not alone in their pain, whatever that pain might be.

Major would have been 2 next week. "Would have...." Why God does it have to be that way?? Why can't I be excited in getting out there and getting this precious boy a gift to celebrate his 2nd birthday??? I still have a lot of "Why's?" that keep me up at night seeking God, praying for a glimpse of Him in this, a glimpse of His hand, His will, His revelation in this...but still, all I get is quiet. I can see how it has changed other people's lives. Changes for the better. Some have asked Jesus into their hearts, some have renewed relationships, some have literally been given life. Maybe those are the answers He wants me to see. My mind tells me those things, but the "connector" between my head and heart have a terrible break in the "line". I know what God's Scriptures say about living life in the Spirit and not in the flesh and how we are to dwell there, but I'm human. I'm still here on earth and will fall short....today, I've fallen short because my heart and mind long to hold and love this precious little guy....not just once more, but a million times more. Please, please don't try to tell me that longing for him is wrong. Don't tell me how to "do it right"... I don't need that right now... I know how I "should" do, live, feel.... today though, I can't and I need to cry and miss him and desire with every ounce of my being to take the pain away from my brother and Darcy.... That, today, is my hearts deepest desire!

Praying for Stellan

Oh that we as a body can come together in prayer is such a privilege....an honor. Knowing that not one prayer goes up without being heard stills my heart to feel His presence. My heart was heavy this morning as I logged on to post a blog containing updates on our journey and all that is "going wrong"~ I got on to my blog and scrolled down to see other current posts by the amazing people that I follow and admire when Stellan's blog entry, MckMama's blog, caught my eye.

Things in my life quickly came back into perspective as my love for this family overflowing in my heart, brought me to my knees in prayer. I have never met nor talked to MckMama, but I've read about Stellan's journey with SVT and this precious family.

Stellan has become ill again and is, according to her blog, being air lifted to Boston for more intense treatment and observation. Please, please pray for this family. Pray for Jennifer's strength and for her to feel the overwhelming peace that so many are interceding for her and her family. May she feel a warm blanket of love and peace tightly wrapped around her and Stellan as she holds him close to her heart.

I believe we serve a God who is capable of anything. Miracles happen every day, though seldom heard of. I believe God will intervene here. I believe that HIS will will be carried out and through this journey, His name, power, and grace will be introduced, reinforced, and renewed to many.

I had set today aside to catch up on so many emails that I have neglected to respond to, but I'd rather spend the day praying for this precious little one and ask those of you who can, join me. May the glory and power and provision of our Great and Mighty God be showered over this precious one and may the surgeons, physicians, nurses, and techs be keenly aware and anointed as they care for this little one. Guide their hands and open their minds, Father, and impart in each caregiver a compassion and love for this entire family.

We Praise You Almighty God!
In Your Grip We Rest ~
(MckMama's Blog Link is located below.....stop today and leave them a note of encouragment and support...in a valley, you can never hear it too much.....)
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/07/monday-morning-update.html?dsq=13411357#comment-13411357

Happy Birthday Dave!!

Dave,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I am so truly sorry I didn't call you last night to wish you a "happy day" (as Kory calls it). I know it's probably hard to "celebrate". You've hard the most difficult and at times seemingly impossible year. I still hold hope though and pray for peace in your heart. I still don't feel peace, so I think that the prayer is one for myself as well.

You deserve nothing less than a wonderful birthday. You are a magnificent husband, and loving daddy, and to me, your the best brother a little sister could ask for. You are on my heart every day (as is Darcy)!! I love you so much more than you'll ever know. I miss you deeply & can't wait until your time in Salt Lake City is over and you are closer to "home". :0)

So, I'm working on a special slide show of pictures of you and I throughout the years and I think it will make you laugh. :0) Hope to get it up on here by the end of the week..

Again, much love and hugs to you and know that we celebrated your birthday by thanking God for you and asking that He restore your joy.

I love you!! I'm always here!!!
Kristi

"Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God"

Psalm 91: 1~16

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

5 You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—

even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,

no disaster will come near your tent

11 For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him

and show him my salvation."

This Scripture has come across my eyes a number of times in the past few days. I am not certain why ~ although the Lord has been really pressing into my heart the importance of dwelling in Him. I've been learning that it is only IN Him will I ever find peace and comfort and in the JOY of THE LORD is my strength! (See Nehemiah 8:10)

Joy...joy...why does it have to be joy? Nothing around me is shouting "Joy! Joy! Look at all there is to be joyful about!!" Trust me, no one is. That is, no one but God. I still wrestle with God over how in the world I am ever supposed to have total joy ever again when something, someone, so precious to me, to our family, was taken so tragically from us. But, that's just it "how IN the world??"...I have to somehow figure a way to look beyond today, beyond life on this earth, to eternal life in Heaven. I'll never understand this side of Heaven all the questions and reasons for this event that has broken the heart of so many. But, I'd rather live every day in anticipation of going Home to Heaven, where he is, knowing that this is not the end, that we'll be together again some day. I can't walk every day without the hope that this isn't the end. If I lost my hope now, I would be saying that the God that I cried out to when I miscarried our two babies, wasn't good enough for this loss we are now suffering. Though my children weren't born, I hurt just the same. I never got to hold them, but I know Jesus is. I thank God that I can close my eyes and see Major, my babies, other babies in our family, and loved ones gone before. I can see the children running and playing. I see my Grandma and Grandpa Bulger holding them all and kissing them as only Grandpa Bulger could..you know, those sloppy wet kisses!

I have to remind myself to go to those visions every day or I can get lost in the visions of our loss. The thoughts of what isn't nor will ever be.

One thing that gives me great, great joy is knowing with every ounce of who I am that these precious children will never know the pain of a broken heart. They will never experience disappointment or confusion. They won't be exposed to the evil of this world. They will always have a bounce in their step and a joy in their hearts that know not any other. The loved ones who had gone before them who lived their last years in physical pain or heartbreak of loss are reunited and whole.

So, I will do my best to dwell with Him. To live life in His presence and hold on to the truth of His word. His inerrant, infallible word. I need not another thing.

There is a special spot below a huge oak tree where this stone is positioned in the back yard. This is where I can go, when it all gets to be too much in my mind, and remember that God and God alone is in control ~ And in Heaven with Him, all are safe and whole.

In His Grip!

Be My Refuge, Lord

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3 (NIV)

"Be My Refuge, Lord"! This is day #1 of a new book that I would classify as a "devotional" book. It's not really a work book, nor does it have days numbered. It's, from what I can tell thus far, a "guided journey" (as I like to call these books) to resting in the refuge of the Almighty. You don't have to finish it on a certain day, and it's not scheduled to take "x" amount of weeks to complete.

So, today's chapter was titled "Walking Upright in the Lord". It's a short chapter, only three pages, but it opened my eyes to some areas in my life that have been left unattended to (areas that I have left vulnerable to persuasion). I thought I would journal a few thoughts and "quotes" from this chapter and share them with anyone willing or desiring to read this.

It talks about how some of our deepest quests in life is for happiness or the "key" to being happy. I know that in my own life what has been "around" me at times doesn't "make me happy" or lead me to that which does. But, in my foolishness and hard headed nature, I kept searching the world over for that one thing or that one person that would fill me with joy and I'd live "happily ever after". I would search for that one thing that would sparkle bright enough, be trendy enough to "fit in", or popular enough to become recognized. I looked to people and things for a number of years to only find myself longing for more and lacking less in my "happiness". I still to this day can get caught up in "needing" approval from others to feel justified or loved. I think this will always be something that I have to diligently and with effort work on during my lifetime. Daily seeking God's presence, not to be "happy" (that to me is an emotion and emotions can ebb and flow like a tide) but to live in joy, which is one of the fruits that living in the Spirit produces. (Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.)

In this chapter, The Barnes (Bob and Emilie), concentrate on three things concerning "happiness":(I like to use the word "joy")

1) What to avoid

2) What to concentrate on

3) What a happy person is like

Now that I have read the "what to avoid"...I can see the holes in my life, the areas where these taboo things have had control or influence on my happiness. We need to steer clear of counsel that is not wise or grounded in God's truth, in His Word.

In today's society, in our economic and moral state as a nation, there is so much in journalism that is negative (magazines, newspapers, Internet, etc....), so much that promotes evil or filled with lies by omission (not stating the entire truths/facts). There are groups that feel that they have the right to same sex marriages or abortions. (and many others I'm sure) Through many avenues the media can creep into our lives; our minds; our homes and we can become emotionally cluttered with all the negative and pain of this world. It can steal our joy as Christians as we spend our time here on earth.

God's Word in Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You." If our minds are on God and the things of God, our minds will be at peace and in that peace we can experience joy.

#2 referenced what to concentrate on (again, I like the word "dwell" instead). This, again, is an area that takes continual effort in my life. I can tend to concentrate on the things going on around me, things and situations that I have no control over. Then, I not only lose my joy, but my ability to concentrate on any one thing. My mind runs from thing to thing to thing, never solving or accomplishing anything at all. I want something fixed fast and I don't want it to take time. I hate to read instructions, I'd rather fumble through trying to put it together. I've never liked word problems in math and the time and concentration in took to figure the answer out. BUT, what we concentrate on, what our hearts meditate on become a direct reflection of who we are in Christ. We are to dwell in Him, all day, every day, in all things.

Do I find myself doing this? No. If I did concentrate on Him more, I'd hear His voice, I'd see His hand guiding me, I'd rest in peace that comes only from His presence...not just a visit every now and then, but living my life in His presence. Sure, we all fall short, but God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows our intentions and see our effort and the more time we give Him, the more we will be inspired to give Him more. So, I've resolved to continually remind myself to concentrate on Him and not my surroundings, not Daren's job loss, not the stress of no income, nothing that would lure me away from His shelter.

#3 talks about what a happy person is like. I'm not sure that I am a big fan of the word "happy" to categorize an emotion. I like the word joy...so I'm going to use that instead. I think that it is easier to recognize a happy person. These people are usually individuals that are swayed by life events. Happy people who enter difficult seasons, usually tend to lose sight of God and struggle to remain grounded in Him and His word. When you are filled with joy, a fruit of the Spirit, it's an emotion that people or circumstances can't take from you. It's a choice we make every day to walk in joy even when everything around us is pulling us in an opposite direction.

Am I a "happy" person all the time? No. Just ask my husband. Do I ALWAYS walk in the joy of the Lord? No. I fall short more often than I'd like to honestly admit. At times, my passion for His word and His ways gets cluttered by my circumstances or I think that I'm too busy to acknowledge and walk in the joy that He has given to each believer who has made the CHOICE to bear the fruit of the Spirit. (This is where, #2 from above, is vital)

Psalm 4:8 ~ "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

Psalm 84:4 ~ "Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah"

Psalm 84:10 ~ "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked."

So, in my own words, this chapter has refreshed my memory to what is important in my journey here on this earth. In the hectic day to day of life, our "filters" can get dusty. Every now and again, a basic refreshing of our relationship with Christ is needed in order to effectively live in His will.

* Avoid negative influences of this world. Base your convictions off the Word of God, not the word of man.

* Dwell in Him. Stay connected to Him every day. Concentrate, meditate, worship, & study His word. Keep your focus on God and His call on your life.

* Be full of joy. Be so certain in your walk with Christ that your joy doesn't come and go with trials and victories. Trusting in God is the only way to finding true and lasting joy. This is a big one for me!! This is something I am going to have to make a conscience effort every day to find His joy in this world and in my own personal life. When everything around me, people, circumstances, finances, health... when these things look bleak, look up. Look to Him & it is there you will find Hope and in that hope, you'll find joy.

In His Grip~

The One That Didn't Get Away....

Every mother has her proud moments. The typical moments that bring a tear of joy and awe as our young ones pass another milestone in their journey to becoming all that is intended for them. This past Thursday, July 2, 2009, was a very memorable day and an even more proud moment for me as a mother.

Papa John and Nana came out to Grandma Gayle's so that they could watch Kory share with them how his fishing skills have grown over the past few months. It was somewhat of a circus as the five of us and the two of them hovered around the dock as rods were flying and hooks went zipping by at record speed. My fear was that someone was going to end up with a hook implanted and that drama would end our adventure after a short time.

The girls enjoyed being out there. They were given "snoopy" fishing poles as well. Ashley would do exactly what Kory did (we cut her hook off since she doesn't just yet grasp the concept of a hook). She adores Kory and follows his every move. She is also partial to her Papa and stood by his side most of the time.

Megan enjoyed herself as well. She is fascinated by any animal...and to her a "worm" is not only an animal but "snack". She enjoys playing with them and holding them tightly in her precious little hands. Keeping them away from her lips for "kisses" is a little bit of a challenge. She also liked the bread that we first threw out into the water to "call the fish and turtles" up to the surface. She'd never eat bread while sitting in her high chair like she does when we are down at the dock. She protects that stuff with such passion and stuffs it in as fast as she can...seriously!





We spent a good amount of time down on the dock....and it was one of the nicest moments of time we've had in a long time. It was hot, sticky, and lots of action... but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Kory and I love to lay on our tummies and fish from that vantage point.



Then.....it happened. Daren and Papa were teaching Kory how to cast and reel with a bait casting reel ("grown up" rod and reel). He caught on really fast. They had tied on a crank bait. As he reeled it in for the first time, he thought he had a fish on. (they tend to have resistance when reeling them in compared to "worm" fishing). Well, on his third cast...he truly had a fish on. (Nana and I had come up to the house with the girls, so this part of the story is coming from Papa's excitement) The fish jumped and dove back into the water, but Kory held tight and kept reeling it in. Daren and Papa realized that this wasn't any small fish by any means. It was a large mouth bass...not just a tiny bass...but one that weighed over 5 pounds. Papa came running up to the house asking for the camera and when I figured out why....I ran out of the house as if it was on fire and was on the dock within seconds.

There it was. The one that didn't get away! I can't really describe how special of a moment this was for me. I've always had a passion for fishing. Daren and I fished tournaments here in Oklahoma back in the day (about 15 years ago), then I was given the opportunity to fish on the FLW Tour as a co-angler for two seasons. (that's another full story for another post). I think some mom's (except for Ms. Debe) would not understand how much this moment meant to me as a mother. I mean, it's just a fish to some, but to me, it was my son finding passion for a sport in which brought great joy to his mommy's life for some time. I am so very, very, proud of Kory. He reeled this beast of a fish all the way to the dock, when the fish took a final dive under the dock, Daddy helped him out so that it wouldn't jump off. This fish, it's 3/4 as long as Kory is tall. It's mouth, huge. Kory didn't understand all the hooting and hollering and praise he was receiving at the time. He just knew he had done a great thing. As Daren held the fish for Kory to see...he pointed out the teeth, touched his fins, but he had never seen in person such a large fish, so he was a little taken back by getting too close to it.

This moment could not have been any more perfect than it was. It was a moment that I have great joy in the fact that my dad was here to see this. It was a moment I'll never forget. This fish is dedicated not only to my Dad (who was here ~ Papa), brother & my nephew Major, but also to my Grandpa Strombom and my Uncle Brian who also have a passion for fishing. (Congrats to my Uncle Brian for winning a tournament out in California recently!! I've meant to write you for some time....and will do as soon as I can...I was so thrilled to hear the news.

Well, here are the pictures. I hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed the moment.

So, this isn't just a fish tale...it's a moment in time to be remembered for always. Thank you Papa and Nana for coming out to see us and share in this moment with us. It was so much more special with you here. We love you!





(Ignore the "ouch" on my nose. I fell earlier in the week and my nose broke the fall on the edging of the pool. Didn't break my nose, though it looks like it. Just scraped the skin off and fractured the bone around the eye and a hairline fracture of my skull. Nice Huh?)

So, the night came to an end. Nana helped me put the girls down to bed and treated them to a bedtime story which thrilled them to no end. Kory got invited to spend the night at Nana and Papa's and couldn't get out the door soon enough. As they buckled him in and shut the door. Kory waved back at us and said "Bye kids! See ya!" Too cute!

This night was special. It's not a first step, first word, or first grade. It's the birth of a passion that I pray will grow over the years and give Kory something to love to do.You did such an amazing job buddy for only being three!!! Meggie, your love for food and your love for animals might become a problem. :0) No matter what, you are sweet and lovable...my little squishy. I thank God daily for your health and that He protected and healed you as a tiny baby...to think that we could have lost you...that you weren't supposed to be able to walk or talk...Your joy is God's gift! Ashley, your independence amazes me every day. You are brave and certain of who you are (and what you want). I pray you will always have the confidence to go for what you want in life & the conviction in your heart to follow Jesus. I am so blessed to be the mommy of these three precious lives. Some days I feel crazy.... Some days are so hectic that I find myself running in circles never accomplishing anything...Some days I long for naps and bedtime...but not today. Today is a good day. Today we shared a moment together as a family and I treasure that. Thank You God for Your goodness. Protect these little lives God, please. In Your Son's name...

In His Amazing Grip!

II Corinthians 12:9

A dear friend of mine in Tyler, sent me this Scripture on FaceBook. The admiration that I have for this wonderful friend is monumental. Her joy is contagious....her love for God so authentic... she's just an all-around wonderful friend....I miss her!! (Thanks Stephanie E.)

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)

9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Gracious Merciful Lord ~ By; Kristi L. Cole

Gracious, Lord, You are gracious ~ Your love knows no end
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ In You, my heart will mend.

The seasons of life, they can be so trying at times
But Your gracious love lives in this battered heart of mine.

I’m trying Lord, I’m trying so hard to do what’s right
But the opposition is so great, I’ve lost my strength in the fight

There are whispers and stares and lies that are told.
Judgment on my heart that brings a chill so cold.

Gracious, Lord, You are gracious, heal this heart of mine
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful, touch my heart & please give me time.
I praise You God at the foot of the cross
With Your Son in my heart & knowing your loss

Great tears come down, staining my face,
As my mind takes hold of Your endless grace.

In the silence I hear, “My child, I’m here,
Put all trust in Me and put away your fear”.

Gracious, Lord, You are gracious ~ You continue to pour out Your love
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ my faith lies in You above

As I fall on my face and I see Your sweet grace
I feel Your mercy inside and find strength in this place.

You’ve counted my tears that continue to fall
You’ve gently pulled me to stand, so in You I’d stand tall

You’ve never forgotten about me, You’ve always been close
It’s I who have taken my eyes away, and then became lost.

Fill me Lord, fill me today
Of mercy towards others & to walk in Your ways

Please love me Lord, as only You could
And may I realize in You, is where I’ve stood

Regardless of words that are shouted out loud,
Causing pain in my heart, darkening the cloud.

Gracious, Lord, show me how to be gracious
Soften my heart and help me be courteous

Merciful, Lord, teach me to show mercy
So in my actions, it is You that they see.


Written by: Kristi L. Cole
Date: June 28, 2009
All Rights Reserved/Copy Right Pending

God, to You all my praise is to You! You've given me the gift, the gift to take seasons in my life and be able to write songs and poems that honor You're greatness. You've never forsaken a cry of my heart. There have been many times of silence, seasons where You are quiet to the longing for knowledge to why You've allowed things to happen. I'm trying Lord, trying so hard to learn to rest in the quiet. To take those moments and sit in Your presence until I feel Your touch and my heart is all consumed with Your love. You're patience with me goes beyond that in which any earthly father could withstand....and I thank You for standing by me in our journey...in our dance. I hear the music that we dance to in the voices and pitter pat of my babies feet...in their laughter and giggles. I hear the slower music filled with pain, where You hold me against Your chest and pick me up as a mother would cradle her new born to bring her child comfort. I love you God!! I am so thankful for the Cross....for the ability to fall to my knees and weep in Your presence. Tears of pain and joy. You're there constantly to share in my victories and there to comfort the difficult days. You passion and tenderness is just as real as the air I breath. God, forgive me, forgive me please for trying to handle the last week or so without falling into You. Lord, You alone are all the protection that I need. You've promised in Your word that vengeance is Yours. All You ask is that in my anger, I do not sin. Please forgive my anger that has birthed words spoken out of bitterness and protection for my children, my nieces, and my brother and Darcy. My intentions were right, but I should have spoken in love. Continue to help me express my desires and help those hearts and ears that hear my words to respect that in which I feel are appropriately Scriptural guidelines for our family.

God, there is no way, no way at all, that I would have survived thus far in this journey without Your daily protection, guidance, patience, mercy, and grace. There was a terrible accident here in Norman in the early hours of the morning that claimed the lives of three young adults. Oh Lord, how many nights, many years ago did You protect myself, Daren, Melissa, Kelly, Mike T, and others in the group that we ran with when we made stupid, childish, irresponsible choices. Not only did we put our lives in dangers path, but we could have destroyed, damaged, or broken the hearts of our parents and families. Thank You for Your protection then....and today as our lives have changed for the better and now begin to shape and protect our own children. Mike (Melissa's husband) was called in to work the accident and Melissa ran a call today on the mother of one of the girls that passed away. Place Your hands, Your wings around these families as they embark on every parents worst nightmare. Please Father, please bring people into their lives that can help them find Your comfort ..... The only comfort that truly does bring peace....

God, again, I do love You. Jesus, thank You for living in my heart. Holy Spirit, thank You for being that movement I feel in my heart and may my mind clear to hear and feel You lead me daily.

In His Grip~

When I Say ~ I Am A Christian

When I say... I am a Christian

I'm not shouting I'm clean livin'.

I'm whispering I was lost,

Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say... I am a Christian

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... I am a Christian

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... I am a Christian

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... I am a Christian

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible

But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... I am a Christian

I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon His name.

When I say... I am a Christian

I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner

Who received God's good grace, somehow!

~Author Unknown

Please Continue to Pray

Dearest Loved Ones and Friends;

I only have a moment but wanted to humbly ask for your continued prayers regarding my last post. Things continue to escalate and I find myself feeling like I don't belong any place. There is so much more to say and share...I know that so many of you care and honestly, that is what carries me through my days.

This is causing division in my relationship with Daren. I am being pushed out of decision making when it comes to my children, daily schedules, and finances. I feel alone. My only hope is holding on to Jesus...and truthfully speaking...He is, in Himself, enough. My hearts desire is that God would intervene as only he can and protect my marriage. Expose the lies being told. This has now trickled down to affect my relationship with my mother due to a phone call that was made to her. That phone call did not reveal 100% truth & my mom is questioning my heart. I love my mom. We've come through so much in so many years and the thought that other family members are pulling on my side of the family now, leaves me truly feeling abandoned. Please, please friends....lift me up in prayer. I can't express my appreciation for your interceding!!

Love to All!!
In His Grip!