Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Lost & Broken

Lost in a whirlwind of lies and fabrications. Broken that in a season where I am clinging on to God with all that I have, my relationship with the Lord is being questioned!!



Being a Christian, doesn't mean I'm perfect. It means I long for deep relationship with God. It means that I am lost in this crazy evil world without Him.



My eyes have never been so clearly opened to a group of people who have blatant disregard for pain, for loss, for death in family. I'm hurt, beyond mere words. It's a pain that I never expected to feel during the mourning of Major. (Yes, I STILL hurt....I have a right to, I love him as all my side of the family does!) How can people spew such piercing words? I don't get it. I really don't get it. Then, I am asked to act as if the situation never happened?



I know that in God's Scripture, it tells us that we should forgive...and that if we don't forgive, our Father in Heaven will not forgive us. I have forgiven these cold hearted "haters"... but in that forgiveness, it doesn't mean that the pain is gone...that the words said don't still bring a tear to my eyes and rip my heart open all over again. And it by no means states that I need to continue a relationship with them. I believe with all my heart that there are relationships in life that God allows you to let go of... He allows you peace to end them.



I will not subject myself or my sweet impressionable children to the poison of bitterness, anger, and jealousy that these people wear on their shoulders. I'm not about hurting or protecting people's feelings, I am about striving to grow in Christ (amidst many setbacks that in my own doing have been revealed)... I am about trying to figure out where I stand in my marriage... and I am all, 100%, purely about shepherding the hearts of my children and protecting them from what outside influences I can. These are my priorities right now... along with a few others in finding my place in a church family where I can grow in fellowship.



My grief is MY journey. Stop telling me to move on. Stop telling me to let go. Stop telling me to get over it. Especially those of you whose hateful, heartless words, the day following his death, inflicted such a pain as you did. You accomplished your meaningless goal of finally "getting to me" ... and I hope that this sick pleasure your find in this carries you for a long time. I would hate to see that you would even think of speaking such words ever again.



Broken, you broke my heart. Lost, you left me wondering where God is and how He could allow such evil people to come in touch with me during a time where my footing is slipping and my heart in question.



I will continue to work through my anger towards you. I have forgiven you, but I want to make it clear, my family (my children) will NOT be subjected to your thoughtless words. You can not be trusted!!

10 comments:

Nancy T said...

Nancy Holveck-Thuemmler made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

Oh Kristi...it sounds like you are really hurting. Remember...YOU are not responsible for the evil that comes from others lips...YOU only have to worry about Who it is that you'll stand before One Day. Do NOT worry, because the people that speak like this will have to answer for those words One Day.
Keep your course straight and your faith unwavering. Remember the footprints "quote"...He said that when you only saw one set of footprints that He was carrying you??? That's what is happening now...you just have to let Him worry about those evil people.
I'm sorry that you're having these problems when you're dealing with so much. I can't even imagine what this time must be like for you guys!!! Just remember that there are LOTS of people who love you and don't worry about the others!

Anonymous said...

Leona ReaEtta Chapman made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

OH Kristi, I have stood in your shoes and been a victim of careless words, piercing words that people think are helpful. I have used these lessons as helpful tools to remind me how to respond to hurting people. Grief is a monster... a journey that we all deal with it differently. My friend, cling to God and He will walk with you. Might I add, the loss of my brother 39 years ago is still a vivid pain I deal with along with many others along the way. I hate the phrase "you will get over this, or time will heal all wounds". For me I am being made anew, not fogetting but learning how to live with the loss.

Your words are so well written. Personally, I think people should hear these things. Those that grieve should understand the volitale emotions and know they are ok.

I was blessed by your honesty...

May you experience the Comforter in a special way today...

Anonymous said...

Joyce Ford Billingsley made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

Amen!

Joni said...

Joni Billinger Brown made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

Kristi.....I'm so sorry for your pain and frustrations. It's obvious we will have obstacles in our life that cause us to question our place, our relationships with others and the motives of others. Our Father is faithful. You and your precious ones live for HIM not the enemy. I love you and am here if you need anything!

sweetorunsweet? said...

My friend- I wish i could give you a hug. I know this is hard- especially when it is so "in your face" Stick in there and remember that the Lord will take care of you and yours. Let Him also take care of those who cause you harm. Greif is to each his own and threr is no right or worng way(short of things that cause bodily harm) and no time limit. Keep remembering this precius baby and it will get better over itme but "time" is undefinable and "better" is relative.
I love you- Debe

Anonymous said...

Talva Keith made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. Family hurts are the worst! But, I know that God can through it all make you even stronger in who you are in HIM, not in what others think of you! Love you girl!

Shelley said...

Hey Kristi, it is really wonderful to hear from you. LIke I said I have thought of you often. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time in life right now. It seems sometimes when it rains it pours. I haven't read an update on Daren's job hunt. Has he found anything yet? It is wonderful that you have family that you can count on at a time like this, but I know that it is probably a struggle having to live with your inlaws. And especially with trying to raise your own family. The kids are just beautiful. How old are the girls now? I cannot keep up. I am sure it is on your blog.

Kristi, do you mind my asking what someone said to you that has upset you concerning precious little Major's passing? I just cannot imagine someone being hurtful at such a hard time, that is very sad. I hate that it is causing you such pain. I know that you have had your struggles and it is hard to understand the "why" of such difficult trials. All I can tell you is that even though the pain is very hard, God surely had to have a reason for giving Major to your brother and his wife, and all of you. And He had to have had a reason for taking him so early. I know that it is hard in just not knowing, but whatever the reason, it is all in God's greater plan that will end up touching someone and bringing others to Him. No one should tell you that you shouldn't be feeling the pain like it happened yesterday. It takes time to heal, but you will never forget.

Shelley

Kim said...

Kim Holveck Pollastrini made a comment about your note "Lost & Broken":

Kristi, I am so sorry for the terrible, hurtful things that they said to you. When I was pregnant with Laney and we learned about her Omphalocele, a family member told me that I should terminate if we found out she wouldn't be able to have children of her own some day. Are you kidding me?? She is absolutely perfect to me and I can not believe her life could be so invaluable to someone. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. You really have to wonder what people are thinking (or are they?) when they say these things. NOBODY deserves what your family is going thru and I think about you all every day...I can not imagine the pain. Love, Kim

Kathy said...

Kristy, I too don't know what is going on, but please find comfort in knowing you are in my prayers.

K

Ms. Meo said...

Kristi,

I've been out of touch with our move and didn't have any idea you were going through such a hard time. I'm really sorry and hope that you find comfort soon.

It does still hurt.

Cameo