Loved By His Grace: Happy Birthday to My Precious Daughters!

My Precious Megan & Ashley....

Two years ago today, my life was forever changed in the most amazing way. Your birth and pregnancy not only tested my body's limits but deepened my faith in God and truly brought me to realize that I had been living my life relying too much on my own strength.

August 18th of 2007....it was late in the evening and I started to realize (for the approximately 50th time) that something was wrong. But, this time it was something different. It wasn't anything like the kidney stones, pulmonary edema, or cardiomyopthay. It wasn't really contractions either. I just felt that it was important that I get to the hospital quickly. I finally managed to tell Daren. I got in my car and drove myself to the hospital where I had become a "frequent flyer" during this pregnancy. Shortly after midnight they started running tests to figure out just exactly what was going on. Early on the morning of the 19th, we realized it was not only my 35th birthday ~ but that you two had decided that, 9 weeks early, you would be the best birthday gift I could ever hope for! :0)

So, they loaded me up in the ambulance and took me lights and sirens to Plano, Texas just outside of Dallas. Tyler, where we lived at the time, did not have a level III NICU and the closest one was 2 hours away. (about 60 minutes when your screaming down the interstate that your babies are coming and the ambulance drivers are begging you that they'll drive faster if you just promise not to have them on the way there....I did my best and made it.)

Your daddy made it to the hospital with just minutes to spare. Nana Joyce was standing at the end of the hall when they brought me onto the labor and delivery floor. I was SO happy and relieved that she was there!! (Thank you mom for making sure you got there!!) 45 minutes after arriving at Presbyterian Hospital of Plano, you made your grand entrance!!

Megan Hope arrived first. You were so tiny!! I had never set my eyes on such a tiny baby. I only got to see you for about 3 seconds and then a team of nurses rushed you off to the NICU ~

They were kind enough to get a picture of daddy and you before they took you off...I hated watching them wheel you down the corridor and out of the OR without me...but my job wasn't done just yet. Your sister was on her way too....

Ashley, you for some reason felt that the further up into my rib cage you could squirm, the better. You had a hold of one of my ribs and would not let go. You were holding on with all you had. Finally, after 45 seconds of wrestling with you, you graciously gave in and let go. Sweetheart, I didn't even get to see you. You were so tiny! So much more tiny than your "tiny" sister!! You fought so hard to breathe but it just wasn't going to happen on your own. There was an amazing team of neonatal doctors there and they RAN you down the hall and into the NICU where a tube was put down your throat to help you breathe. You weighed only a little over 3 pounds. Meggie just over 4. (And I still can't figure out if your combined weight was 7 pounds....how could I have gained 80 pounds...Maybe I was loading up for those last 9 weeks that you were supposed to me "with me")

I told Daddy to go and be with you. You both needed him and he needed you. We were blessed with an amazing team of physicians, physicians assistants, and nurses. They not only cared for you, but they cared for us.

As I made my way out of recovery and into my own room, they wheeled me to the NICU on the gurney so I could see you. I was terrified. I felt as though I had failed you in some way to cause you to come this early. You both had to fight so hard, but Ash, your road for the first few days was much more difficult.

I didn't get to hold either of you but for 30 minutes at a time every four hours. They called it "touch time". The rest of the time, I sat in a chair and watched you all day, every day, until the nurses made me leave to get some rest.

They had given us "cuddle dolls"...small doll shaped pieces of fabric that we were supposed to wear between our clothing and chest. Then, you slept on them and this was supposed to make you feel secure and safe. And ya know what? When you had the cuddle dolls, your heart rates stabilized as did your pulse ox. I would have done anything to help you....anything!!

At 13 days into this journey, Megan became very sick. I had left to pick Daddy up from DFW airport and was only gone about 90 minutes. When we walked back into the NICU, there was a bunch of stuff going on in your wing and we wondered what it was. As we started to walk in, we were met with one of the physicians. They told us that you had become very ill and the next 12-24 hours could be your last. "Necrotizing Entercolitis" is what they told us you had (or NEC) and that is an intestinal infection that can perforate your intestines. They took you out of bed with your sissy and stopped all feedings, put you on IV anti-biotics, and there we sat. Crying, feeling defenseless. Your daddy and I would have traded places with you in a second. It didn't seem fair that you would suffer. You had never done anything. You never cried, except when they put the IV in....I think I cried just as hard as you did. We couldn't hold you. We weren't supposed to even touch you. How was that supposed to be possible?? The 12 hour mark came and you were still stabilized. The 24 hour mark came and still, you were with us. 24 hours turned into 48 and 48 into 72... for 7 days we watched with hopeful anticipation and deepening dependence in God that you were in His hands. Never has my faith been tested to this level. I wish my relationship with God had been on a more intimate level before this happened because the well of strength to draw from would have been deeper. BUT, God did use this opportunity to draw us ever closer to His heart and there isn't a person on this earth that could ever convince me that miracles still don't happen.

Ashley held her own by herself in the "big crib".... though she much preferred you to curl up with. They kind of gave us the 30 minutes we were supposed to get to hold Megan so that we could hold you twice as long. That helped soooooo much!!

From that point on....there were still small steps backwards, but progress forward far outweighed those steps. And before we knew it, you were home. We were all home together and the next phase of our journey as a family of 5 began. It was a long 8 weeks with you in the NICU. It was a long 8 weeks to be away from your big brother. But, that was behind us and forward we did march! There were tough days and there were tougher days. But God's grace and mercy sustained us.

For a short time, you shared a bed...but soon, we realized that THAT would not last long. Ashely, you did not leave Megan alone. :0) Such a sign of the way you were while I carried you in the pregnancy and the way you are today.

Kory FINALLY agreed to touch you and look at you. It took some "constructive direction" but it did happen over time. He kept saying "No!! Take them back!" (More about that story at another time....)

So, through all these words, what I am trying to say is.... I love you! I loved you from the second I knew you! You brought me closer to God in ways I am so thankful for!! I could not think of a birthday gift more incredible than to share it with you! I look forward to the time we have together...You are such miracles!! True miracles. Thank you for the blessing you are in my life!! Happy Birthday girls!! Mommy loves you!