A Lament for His Peace

I'm alone again in my room,
Another day gone, finally through.

I passed his pictures in the hall,
Traced his face & tried to stand tall.

I'm doing my best to trust in You,
that the pain will lessen in time.
But I still have those sweet images,
Burning through this heart of mine.

So full of life, from his very first breath.
Ten precious fingers, ten tiny toes, yet to take a step.

His mommy & daddy, their hearts ache every day
Why, oh God, did you allow this their way?

I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes,
The ache in my heart that's so deep inside.

I've been in Your word, & down on my knees
But the silence is so loud, say something please!!!

I'd take the pain that these sweet parents bear,
And carry it as my own and to no one would share.

I'm running out of words God, isn't it Your turn to speak?
This valley is so large and I'm feeling so weak.

I've done my best, Lord, to trust You in this
I've given you my heart and lessened my grip

I've invited You in to heal this deep pain,
How long oh Lord, do we stand in the rain?

But as I have promised, and said to you before,
I'll take on their pain, if for one day more,

You'd give my dear brother and his truly precious wife,
One more day, one more moment, with this oh so precious life.

I'm asking! I'm pleading! I'm begging You God!
I can feel the emptiness grow & begin to sob!

They need so much to feel the touch of Your hand,
So strong and so peaceful so they can understand.

And if You can't tell them just one reason why,
Can You give them Your peace and comfort their cries?

I've taken a moment & looked at my past...
You've always given enough grace and mercy to last

Through every trial and every heart break,
You've walked me through, and have never forsake.

But I know in the valley, we can forget how You feel.
The power of Your goodness & might that's so real.

So, I'm asking You God, Give them a speck of light to see,
Until we are all together again, as one in Calvary.

I know this isn't the end, there will be more words to say....
But I hurt too deep inside, and must wait for another day.

Help me to sleep and into Your peace may I fall...
Shut down my tears & break down my walls.

By: Kristi Cole

March 29, 2009

I posted this poem about 4 months ago. Today, I was looking back at my journaling since January, trying to get some of it together to make a book. I ran across this poem and really felt God leading me to publish it again. I don't know if it is for myself or if there is someone else out there in the world who needs a little lift... a little note to know that they are not alone in their pain, whatever that pain might be.

Major would have been 2 next week. "Would have...." Why God does it have to be that way?? Why can't I be excited in getting out there and getting this precious boy a gift to celebrate his 2nd birthday??? I still have a lot of "Why's?" that keep me up at night seeking God, praying for a glimpse of Him in this, a glimpse of His hand, His will, His revelation in this...but still, all I get is quiet. I can see how it has changed other people's lives. Changes for the better. Some have asked Jesus into their hearts, some have renewed relationships, some have literally been given life. Maybe those are the answers He wants me to see. My mind tells me those things, but the "connector" between my head and heart have a terrible break in the "line". I know what God's Scriptures say about living life in the Spirit and not in the flesh and how we are to dwell there, but I'm human. I'm still here on earth and will fall short....today, I've fallen short because my heart and mind long to hold and love this precious little guy....not just once more, but a million times more. Please, please don't try to tell me that longing for him is wrong. Don't tell me how to "do it right"... I don't need that right now... I know how I "should" do, live, feel.... today though, I can't and I need to cry and miss him and desire with every ounce of my being to take the pain away from my brother and Darcy.... That, today, is my hearts deepest desire!