When Is Something Going to Change?

Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong? I don't get why things continue to be trial after trial. Nothing ever seems to result in progress or change.

We are entering our 6th month of not having a job. 6 months of living in a home that isn't our own. 6 months of all structure and schedules gone out the window. 6 months of financial stress that is tearing our family apart. Though I know in the deepest part of my heart that God is in control & my head tells me He'll take us through no more than what we can endure... I need Him to pick me up and place me in the palm of His hand.

I miss the simplicity of enjoying my kids. The joy that would echo through our home. Mind you, I realize that there were times, seasons even, when they all cried, were sick, or teething.... but still, we were together, as a family.

The girls have started the "cat fights" already. Womping each other with full force on the back, pinching, pushing and shoving. And they aren't even two yet!!! Kory's trying 3's are worse than his terrible two's. I believe it's because at 3, they know they have choices and the method of distracting him to something else doesn't work nearly like it did because he recalls what he was doing and goes right back to it.

Bed time has become an all out battle again with him that some nights carries into the late evening hours....11:00 or so. He's sleeping with Grandma which, is okay for now, but when we are back on our own....does he think he'll be sleeping in our bed? I hope not.

We are up to our neck with medical bills and calls from creditors that want us to pay, and pay now, AND pay in full. I've attempted several times to explain that the unemployment that we receive hardly covers living expenses for the five of us, and now that we are having to pay our insurance premiums with that income as well....it's stretching less and less.

I know this blog was intended to be one of enlightenment and encouragement. I am tired though and on the horizon, well, the light seems to be drifting further and further away. I have to close my eyes and cry out to God to just keep going every day...and maybe that's the moral of this season. Total and complete dependence on Him. I thought that was what we have been doing. But I don't know. I've prayed that He enlighten my eyes to the areas that I need to change. I know I am not perfect. I know that there are those whose valley is much deeper than ours. (this brings me to thoughts of my brother and Darcy ~ wishing so much that we could talk. I haven't been able to connect with them in a few weeks....)

So, it's noon and the only thing I've managed to accomplish is changing 9 diapers, dress three children, feed two of them (the other is at "school"), pack Kory's backpack and lunch & get him off to school, write 4 letters of plea to providers for mercy in payment on our outstanding debt from medical care, make 4 bottles, and give Ashley a breathing treatment. I want to shower. I want to get myself ready for the day. I want to sit in quiet to hear the Lord and seek out His will.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my "new" OB/GYN here in Norman. I found a lump about the size of a nickle on my right breast and I am terrified about that as well. It's painful and has rapidly increased from the size of a pea over the last two weeks!! I wish I was seeing Dr. Harris, my OB in Tyler. She knows me and one of my dearest (and first true friends in Tyler) is her nurse who has battled for me in prayer for over 4 years! I miss them!!! Argh!!! Something.... always....

I am beyond "Calgon!!! Take me away!!!" And if I hear ONCE MORE about congress and their "need" for privet jets to cart them around the country....they're gonna hear what a "real need" is.

Grumpy, you might ask??? Yes!! Terribly grumpy and frustrated!!!

God!! Please!!! Place Your hand of peace on my heart.