My Trip to Salt Lake City

Wow!!! I can't believe it's been 11 days since I returned from my trip to Salt Lake City to see my big brother~Dave, His awesome wife~Darcy, and my four PRECIOUS nieces!!! I can't begin to tell you how much this trip meant to me!!

The first day I was there, Darcy and I loaded up the girls and headed to the Mormon Tabernacle in downtown Salt Lake City!! I never knew such a thing existed!! Of course I had heard about it, but didn't realize the magnitude of this architectural masterpiece!! Wow! Amazing!!

The grounds were filled with the scent and scenery of Spring. There were brides all over the place having bridal portraits taken ~ families strolling through the abundant gardens ~ couples walking together hand in hand. It was like a paradise dead center in the middle of a major metropolitan city!

Here are a few pics that we took...I don't have all of them yet...(lucky you)...but here is what I have from that day....



The next picture...well, this next picture is so special to me. This is Darcy, my sister in law. She's not only a sister in law, she's the closest girl friend I have. She is an amazing woman...wife...mother...daughter...sister...aunt...and so much more. She has a heart full of compassion and has an inner strength that one can only have through her amazing tenacity. I love you Darcy. I draw strength and advice from watching you...just being in your presence is a safe place where my heart is free to feel. You came into our family by the grace of God and we are all ETERNALLY blessed for that gift! I love you like you were my own sister!!!



And then....it was lunch time...and someone was really hungry...but it is my favorite!!!


Now THIS is a HUGE church!!! Wow!






Needless to say it was the most refreshing day I have had in months and months!! It was perfect!! Perfect weather, perfect company, and stunning scenery.

Missing You

Please, for today, do not tell me to be strong. Please for today, let my heart feel the pain. Please allow me to travel through this...to journey through this in an attempt to somehow find my way...please, for today, let my heart pour the tears that have been so long wanting to fall...please....just for today...let me miss what was...miss what isn't....miss what never will be...just let me...

My Awesome Amazing Family!

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A Call To Worship In The Valley

Below is a short note I wrote to a few friends on facebook....and I wanted to share it with those of you that aren't on facebook or might have missed it. This season has been long and difficult...but I've found my footing and the "quit" mentality that I've been shouldering for months is starting to fade. Thank you so much for the love and prayers that you each have selflessly given and the cards, postcards, emails, and phone calls....I've cherished each one. I'm sure the difficult days are not over...but I'm going to do my best to put the past behind me,embrace the life that I now have, and press on! I love you all!!!!


One of my all time favorite books was discovered shortly after one of the most tragic events in my life. It's an amazing book of trusting in the goodness and faithfulness of God during times of great sorrow or unrest. It's written by Matt and Beth Redman ~ "Blessed Be Your Name". You have more than likely heard the song that Matt so amazingly wrote that encourages the worshiper to bless the Name of God during every season of life. (I'll attach the Lyrics at the end of this note)

As I picked up this book again today, it fell open to Chapter 5 ~ "You Give and Take Away". This so appropriately encompasses the entire nature of the season of life that I am in.

God has given so much to me through my three children, my great parents, my amazing brother & his family, and wonderful friends. God also has allowed other relationships to fade away or end abruptly.

The pain of relationships ended, as in my marriage, has at times left me paralyzed in sadness and grief. My flesh over rode what in my heart and mind knew to be true about the reasons God allows these things to happen. I found myself reacting in ways that were not of God and what He would have me to do. I started to once again walk in the wilderness without the armor of His protection.

I'm thankful that He relentlessly pursued my heart again and gently drew me back to His presence and the foot of the cross where I found myself in repentance for wondering and joy in His grace and mercy that covers my life.

In this 5th chapter of this book, there are several phrases and statements that struck my heart as to be such great truth of who our God is during times in life where people or "things" are lost. I deeply desire to share these with you my precious friends. There are several of us that continue on in our journey in the valley and several more that know others who find themselves in the midst of pain that, if I were to only read this for myself, would be selfish on my part. So, please allow me to share with you these amazing words that Matt and Beth so realistically penned for us to read.

~ "Oh that God would bring us to the place that even when the familiar and the comfortable fall away beneath us, STILL we are found with an undying song of trust flowing from our lips and from our lives"

~ "The last section of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" comes straight from the story of Job. In what has to be one of the most intense stories in the whole of Scripture, Job is stripped of everything precious to him and suffers much hardship. Toward the beginning of his ordeal, he finds a way to the place of praise, falling to the ground in worship and crying out: 'The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord' (Job 1:21, NASB)
This resounding line is a challenge for every worshipper. A CALL TO TRUST DEEPLY IN THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD, SHAPING OUR LIVES BASED NOT ON THE TEMPORARY THINGS OF THE EARTH BUT ON THE ETERNAL KING OF HEAVEN. For devotion to STAND THE TEST OF TIME and ENDURE THROUGH EVERY SEASON of the soul, it CANNOT be based on the ever-changing circumstances of our lives-IT MUST HAVE ITS FOUNDATION ON THE NEVER-CHANGING WORTH OF GOD. (all emphasis mine)

~ (William Cowper was a great poet in the eighteenth century. He wrote many amazing hymns of praise. He was able to pen such amazing expressions of worship from a heart that carried much sadness...this next phrase that caught my heart is about his life)

".....But the most amazing thing of all about this hymn is that Cowper suffered with manic depression-something that he'd been plagued by for many years and that doctors in his day had little comprehension of. How incredible that he could write such a powerful hymn wrapped around the theme of sovereignty of God while living day by day under such a dark cloud!

~Yes, there are some things we will never understand while we walk upon this earth. There comes a time when we simply have to submit to the mystery.

~Sometimes, as we stand there in the midst of our pain and confusion, all we can do is submit to the mystery-knowing that He who gives and takes away is infinitely wiser and more loving than we could ever fathom.

~We stand on the unshakable hope of all that is to come - for our present suffering, as real and as awful as it may be, will be NOTHING in comparison with the glory that will be revealed in us (when we join Him in heaven)
.....Romans 8:18 says "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us"

~Somehow, this pain, which thunders violently in the very cores of our beings, will be but a mere whisper when compared with the radiance and satisfaction to one day be bestowed upon us. It's good news from a distant land, the glimmering haze of a bright hope to come. And yet it is not escapism - for though this hope will be fully unveiled to us on that day, even now we can live in Christ, and He in us. ***WE WALK ON: SORROWFUL, YET ALWAYS REJOICING; PERPLEXED, BUT NEVER IN DESPAIR; AT TIMES HAVING NOTHING AND YET POSSESSING EVERYTHING.

~The road to our final destination WILL INDEED BE MARKED WITH SUFFERING. Jesus is looking for worshippers who will CHOOSE Him EVEN IN THE MIDST of their pain. A people with a cry of "Blessed Be Your Name" RESONATING in the depths of their souls. And no matter how painful life becomes, He will SURELY BE WORTH THE STRUGGLE"

(And now for my thoughts...for what they are worth) :0)

This book, along with the Scriptures in the Bible, is a map to the hidden treasure of a peace that surpasses understanding during the painful and often devastating times in our lives that leave us feeling as though the wind has been knocked out of us and the rug violently ripped out from under our feet. The challenge, to praise Him, to trust Him, to keep our hearts open to Him while not fully understanding or possessing all the answers to His reasons for such dark times.

I have allowed the past 3 years to dictate my worship and trust in God. Not in the way God would want it...but in the way I wanted....I could not find a way to worship God or trust in His ways. I could (and still don't) understand how valley after valley continued to detour me on my journey to a closer relationship with Him. My goal…to praise Him in the storm and praise Him in the calm!

Will it be easy? No! I'm sure dark days will still find their ways into the path of my life. It's my choice from here on out to praise Him and trust Him...have faith in what I cannot see with my earthly eyes. But, there are good days right now as well….I shall hold on to those days…embrace them with a heart that desires to walk in joy!!

I continue to be blessed by my friends here on FaceBook. As I continue to press on through this valley, I will in time, share more about this journey and how so many of you have saved me in times of deep depression. I am forever blessed that God has brought many of you back into my life. I’m blessed for the new friends that I have made.

In His Grip~

"Sometimes He Calms The Storm"

Terrifying Night

It's been awhile since I've taken time to sit and post anything on this blog of mine. There was a time that I would post at least once a day. I was IN LOVE with life and all that made it up.

These days, it's been more difficult to find the good. I'll update more on my own journey later...hopefully. I know many of you have wondered and sent sweet messages asking for updates on how to pray ~ so I'll do my best to post on that later.

But for now, I want to post on the horrific weather that rolled through Norman last night ~ leaving me breathless at times ~ terrified at others ~ and just worried beyond comprehension.

I'd like to start by thanking my neighbors, Melissa and Tom. They came over with their little guy River (he's almost 3 and just the most precious little guy! The kids LOVE to play with him and having them as neighbors has become such a blessing!!)

Our local news had started "warning" us on Saturday that Monday would be filled with a severe weather outbreak. I didn't think much of it....that is until Monday late morning when they issued a tornado watch for most of our state that was in effect until 10:00 p.m. Still, I wasn't worried at this point.

Then all of a sudden, local programing was interrupted by our local news. Large dangerous storms started to form in Northern Oklahoma. If I recall correctly, by 2:00 there were reports of 3-4 tornado's in the North Central portions of our state. Within an hour, they began reporting on storms firing up at rapid speed just west of the Oklahoma City metro area. Tornado's warning popped up for Oklahoma City, Moore, Del City, Midwest City, and several other towns. Baseball and softball size hail with straight line winds in excess of 100 mph were approaching the area in which my parents live.

This is when my nerves started to increase and worry set in. Within 30 minutes, storms just west of Norman, where I live, blew up into major storms with multiple tornado's ~ headed our way. Around 4:30, the tornado sirens began to blow and the skies grew angry.Power went out and so we were left uninformed of what was going on....

Major circulation passed right over my house and was headed in the direction of where the kids are at Grandma's when they are with their Daddy. I started to call....and call....and call....and call....no answer....I was so fearful and had no idea what was going on at all. All I knew to do was pray that the kids would be okay.
Our local news channel 4 has a helicopter that covers stories and I knew something bad was going on when it flew over and suddenly began to hoover just by where the kids were. Again...I called and called and called....no answer. Finally, Daren picked the phone up and told me that they were in the closet. I could hear the kids crying in the background and my heart broke. I wanted to be with them. I'm a mommy...protecting my children is what I do. It's who I am.

So, with no power, no way to know what was going on...I jumped in my car and headed that way to see if they were okay. These next few pictures are pictures of the entrance to Gayle's house and some of 48th Street that her house is located off of......

So, I thank God that the kids are safe and okay. I'm anxious for them to get back home to Mommy!!
Thank You everyone for your prayers and love. It truly means the world to me...sometimes when times are tough...it's hard to pray...and knowing that so many of you are interceding for me really really means so much!! I love each of you!!!

In His Grip~

My Love Letter from God!

MY love letter from God:

To My Dearest BRIDE of Christ:

You are My crown jewel... i know there are many times your don't feel like You are royalty,
my beloved, but you are!!!!
How you feel does not define who you are....
You are My treasure and the love of My life....
everyday your feelings may change , but Mine never will.
Nothing can take away your royal position, for it is seaaled by MY blood. Now walk in your true identity and never doubt again that you are MY CHOSEN one to reign for such a time as this, as My princess bride

Love, Your prince
who choose you

" but You are a choosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light " 1peter 2:9

Love Remains The Same

Today, I Can't Fight the Pain...

I know that there are people who tire of the pain that beats in my heart every day. They tire of hearing the hurt. I can't apologize any longer for not being able to hold it in. It's something I feel every day.

This precious boy, the only nephew I've known, will forever live in my heart. There is nothing or anything that can take his place.

I feel like a pile of crap for crying on the days I don't have my kids. I shouldn't. They are still here. They still come home to mommy. Major, though in a MUCH MUCH better place, we all, every person in our family, misses him and wants him here. Holiday's aren't the same. Family gatherings aren't the same. Our lives will never be the same.

Major, I miss you. I know you are in heaven, a place far better than the cold of this world. A place where you will never know pain or hurt and for that I am glad. This world can be a terrible place....but if you were here, I know that we would all do everything we could to shelter you from the world. There is so much love in my heart that I never got to give to you. There are so many hugs and kisses that I never got to love you with. AS I look through these pictures that honor your life, I see you in Kory's clothes. Clothes that I held on to so that you could wear them...still to this day, I can't give Kory's clothes away...they remain in a box for no one is precious enough to have them to other than you. It's silly, I know...but I get so much joy from passing these things down to you and your sisters. There isn't enough money in the world to take place of being blessed to give them to you. I love you buddy!! I always will!!!!

I hate today...and no one understands...

When You Get Into a Tight Place.....

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,

till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer,

never give up then,

for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn...

God will show up,

that is the appointed time He has set,

as long as you have stayed in faith believing."

Angel ~ Sara McLaughlin

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

I Can't Say Goodbye.....

It was a GREAT week with the kids.

But, today, they are back with Daren at Grandma's house.

I feel like the air has been sucked out of my lungs and my heart's pain is beyond expressing. They are my life...when you become a mom, those precious lives become a part of the fabric of your being.

They are in essence, an extension of who you are....they define a great deal of your life.

It's the most wonderful thing you could ever feel!

I miss you sweet babies....

My heart will not be at ease until you are back home with mommy!

I love you beyond words...

It was a fun and exciting week with you...

playing, running, laughing, tickles, grins and pure joy!!

God, I ask you put a hedge of protection around them,

Hold them in Your wings and cover them with Your grace.

Here are a few precious pictures of our week....

OH I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADY!!!!

In His Grip ~ Covered by His wings ~ Walking by His strength!!
All my love forever.....

A Strong Woman

A Strong Woman

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape

....but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her...but a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future...but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings, and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

~Author Unknown

I have come to realize that physically I am strong...but I want to be a woman of strength whose faith, hope, and joy grows deeper by her walk every day! Have a great week sweet friends!!!

In His Grip!!

Christmas Posted at Easter....

I can't believe that Easter is just around the corner and I am just now posting our pictures from Christmas and Kory and Lillian's birthday!!! Both, of course, in December!!!

Life has been so busy...crazy...difficult...fun...just all over the place!!

The kids and I are getting settled in our new home. Daren and I have "joint" custody of the kids right now which has resulted in 7 days with me then 7 days with him....and it has been the most challenging thing to "get used to"....and I'm not sure I ever will.

When you have a child, they become a part of the fiber of who you are...kind of like a limb (arm or leg)...and when they aren't here, I just lack in ability to function. They are my world and my life and I long to see them to have them here.

I can't go into detail of what is going on...but prayers are still being requested and valued in deep appreciation!! It's been a long 6 months...I am tired and worn down emotionally ~ I miss my kids!!! More than any words could express in accurate detail...

So, anyway, I hope that everyone is doing great!! Enjoy the "few" pictures that I posted!!! It was so hard to pick from the 250 I had and narrow it down...it was a great time with my brother and his family...my sister in law is AMAZING!! Their kids...like my own! Miss them and hope they come back soon!!!

Love to all!

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P.S. If you have trouble viewing the album, you can click the "Click here to view these pictures larger" link and it should take you to them.... :0)

On A Lighter Note.....

Hello sweet friends and those of you who have "stumbled" upon the ramblings of our family life.

I realize that many of my recent post have been heavy hearted and deep. I realize that there are a lot of great things that also happen during our day and am going to try and share more of them on this blog and limit the trials.

This one is precious!

Last Wednesday night, the kids and I loaded up and headed to our Life Group. (Life Group is about 15 families that meet on Wednesday nights from our church here in Norman ~ Antioch Church) This group is awesome and the way that you go as a family is amazing. We start out with everyone, adults and kids, all gathered in the living room of Angie and Jade's home. We all listen to a story that is geared towards the understanding for the kids, though I've learned some great things through the simplicity of these basic fundamental stories of God and His faithful character.

After story time, we have praise and worship time with the kids as well. All the songs have hand/body movements that go along with them. Ashley was ALL into it!! Bouncing around and trying her best to keep up with the motions of the kids who were a bit older. Then, they ask the kids if any of them want to close our family time in prayer. (this is where my eyes fill with tears of joy) Kory raised his hand with such enthusiasm and said "I do! I do!". He walked into the middle of the circle, folded his hands bowed his head and prayed for his friends, family, and food. Ashely was right behind him doing the same thing. (Megan was a little clingy that night and stayed glued to me....but I know her bubbly personality will shine through as soon as she fills comfortable) Mind you, there were about 15 kids and a ton of parents. I was, and still am, so proud of his willingness to get up in front of all those people and pray a prayer that truly came from his heart!

Some times I wonder if when we pray at lunch and dinner if I've done a good job in teaching them what prayer is. Well, I really believe that they are starting to comprehend God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.


Recently we've started to turn the TV off and listen to music while we play. They love it when we jump around and dance to the music. It's those seemingly small things that we can take for granted that really embed in their souls.

I'm so proud to have them as my babies. I'm humbled that God believes in me that I can handle raising these three kids. He walks with me every day....and when I grow weary...I can jump in His arms and He gives me the inspiration and energy to carry through the rest of the day!!


I love you Lord! Thank you for the Holy Spirit that dwells within the heart of my children!


Monkey loves working her way into any container, box, or tote...

Little "M" enjoyed rolling Monkey around the yard.....
Little "M" tried it...but gave up....she is so funny!
Special snack time on the porch! Giggles and giggles!! I love it!!
Adorning her new "mask" and using her "super powers" that at times.... need to be controled! :0)
My little man protecting his race track from "Batman"
Ah! Finally playing together....LOUDLY ON THE KEYBOARD!! (special thank you to Casey and Danielle Bookout for their generous gift of music!!) Love you guys! :0)
My little man doing what he does best.... playing with his trains!!
And Mommy....still trying to smile...my babies are such joy in my life...even though they've given me wrinkes and gray hair!!! lol! :0)
Would you EVER believe they are twins??????? I still wonder at times..... night and day... oil and water.... but passionate about life!!
So.....our life might be crazy...parts of it might not make sense....but I love it...and I love them....and I'm thankful for all that they bring in my life!!!! To my Life Group who has embraced us and supported us....my heartfelt thanks and appreciation for all that you have done and continue to do. WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

In His Eternal Grip ~