Ah! Praise the Lord that Ashley is making small strides in getting better. (I knew this morning when she was standing on her head on the recliner and all I could see from the back was her toes wiggling in the air, she was getting better!) As long as she doesn't get too excited she seems to be okay. Her world still revolves around just her! :0) She is a hoot. Thank you so much for the prayers & emails and I will continue to keep everyone updated on her progress!!!!!
In His Grip!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Ashley Has RSV & Struggling to Breathe....
It always seems as if something is wrong. My heart is growing weary and I hurt for my little ones.
We took all three to the pediatrician on Thursday. Kory was the first to come down with the "summer cold" that they were all three diagnosed with. Megan got it second. Her symptoms were worse than Kory's that included a high fever, upper respiratory congestion, sore throat, and coughing that sounded like a dog barking. Ashley was the last to catch it with her symptoms being far worse than the other three. She's been throwing up in addition to running a fever of 103.6 to this morning 104.2. The Dr. yesterday said that there was no reason for concern and to give them all 5-7 days for signs of improvement. I attempted to explain the underdevelopment of Ashley's respiratory system and her asthma issues, but my feelings were that it was all just "brushed off".
This morning when Ashley woke up, she was screaming, coughing that sounded like a seal barking, and her temp was over 104. I wrapped her up and took her over to urgent care where, after chest x-rays, blood testing, & swab for RSV....the testing came back positive. She has RSV. There is fluid in the upper quadrants of her lungs which we are praying stays there and doesn't move to the lower part, which would mean pneumonia. Her pulse ox this morning was 91, which is on the high end of low, and she was really having a struggle to breath.
The Physician and staff were incredibly considerate and compassionate. After discussing with them the fact that our health insurance is not in effect due to a "discrepancy", they wrote her three prescriptions, Anti-biotics, steroids, and cough suppressant. These are in addition to her Xoponex and Pulmicort breathing treatments that we are supposed to give her every 4 hours for her asthma.
I always worry probably more than I should about my children, but that is who I am as a mother. Ashley has always had difficulty breathing from her premature birth. She was inti bated a lot longer than Meggie was and had multiple apnea episodes while still in the hospital. Please pray for Ashley that within the next 12-18 hours these medications help her health to improve so that we can keep her out of the hospital. Also, though, pray that I go with what my instincts tell me to do and not waffle because of extenuating circumstances.
I appreciate these prayers more than you know!! Thank you so much!
In His Grip~
We took all three to the pediatrician on Thursday. Kory was the first to come down with the "summer cold" that they were all three diagnosed with. Megan got it second. Her symptoms were worse than Kory's that included a high fever, upper respiratory congestion, sore throat, and coughing that sounded like a dog barking. Ashley was the last to catch it with her symptoms being far worse than the other three. She's been throwing up in addition to running a fever of 103.6 to this morning 104.2. The Dr. yesterday said that there was no reason for concern and to give them all 5-7 days for signs of improvement. I attempted to explain the underdevelopment of Ashley's respiratory system and her asthma issues, but my feelings were that it was all just "brushed off".
This morning when Ashley woke up, she was screaming, coughing that sounded like a seal barking, and her temp was over 104. I wrapped her up and took her over to urgent care where, after chest x-rays, blood testing, & swab for RSV....the testing came back positive. She has RSV. There is fluid in the upper quadrants of her lungs which we are praying stays there and doesn't move to the lower part, which would mean pneumonia. Her pulse ox this morning was 91, which is on the high end of low, and she was really having a struggle to breath.
The Physician and staff were incredibly considerate and compassionate. After discussing with them the fact that our health insurance is not in effect due to a "discrepancy", they wrote her three prescriptions, Anti-biotics, steroids, and cough suppressant. These are in addition to her Xoponex and Pulmicort breathing treatments that we are supposed to give her every 4 hours for her asthma.
I always worry probably more than I should about my children, but that is who I am as a mother. Ashley has always had difficulty breathing from her premature birth. She was inti bated a lot longer than Meggie was and had multiple apnea episodes while still in the hospital. Please pray for Ashley that within the next 12-18 hours these medications help her health to improve so that we can keep her out of the hospital. Also, though, pray that I go with what my instincts tell me to do and not waffle because of extenuating circumstances.
I appreciate these prayers more than you know!! Thank you so much!
In His Grip~
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Safe in the Arms of God ~ John MacArthur
The following is an excerpt from the book, "Safe In The Arms of God" by John MacArthur. This book has been a great source of comfort. To have read this and not share it, would be going against what I truly feel the Holy Spirit is leading me to do. If you've lost an infant, child, or suffered a miscarriage, this book is a perfect road map to anyone searching for some direction in the grieving process.
I've personally felt at times, I didn't know what to do. The agonizing pain of losing Major and the miscarriages that we've suffered through have seem debilitating at times. I only wish I would have had this book three years ago when our journey through suffering truly began. If you know someone who has lost a child, this will truly enlighten your heart to the cavern of pain their hearts endure!
So, here goes....
Chapter 8 ~ "How Shall We Minister to Those Who Are Grieving?"
A number of parents who have lost infants have shared with me through the years that they have received wonderful, wise, Godly counsel after their babies died. Others, however, have told me they received very bad or weak counsel. In some cases, what people said or did only added to their pain and confusion. In this chapter, I want to portray to you the type of ministry I hope you will seek out in your loss. Knowing that the Lord very likely will call upon you to minister to others in the future, I also want to help you in a very practical way to become a wonderful, wise, Godly counselor to others. (page 151)
A Loss for the Entire Community
(page 157-169)
I want to share one more story with you because it covers so many of the wonderful things we can do as fellow Christians for those who have experienced the death of a child.
Dan and Pamela, two members of our church, wrote eloquently to me of the life and death of their infant son, Ryan. Each of them wrote about their experience, and I want to share both of their letters with you. Here is what Dan wrote from his perspective as a father: (This sounds as familiar as to the heart of my amazing brother who lost his son at 15 months of age. Dave, my prayer is that you will read this and gleam some sort of comfort. You are not alone my dear friend. And these precious people would love to share with you encouragement and understanding if you should want to talk to someone who REALLY KNOWS YOUR PAIN!!)
"Awake or Asleep We Live Together With Him." These are the words carved in bronze on my son's gravestone. They are the unshaken hope and comfort of Mom and Dad.
Ryan died in my arms six years ago. I held and kissed him until he stopped breathing. The medical staff at Children's Hospital made every heroic effort to save his life. Yet, he was unable to survive the trauma of intestinal surgery. His heart simply gave out.
Ryan graced the earth for seven days. My wife's connection to him was longer and more profound. She carried him thirty-five weeks to delivery.
Without going into great detail, Ryan was born healthy. While small - under three pounds - his lungs were developed and he breathed without assistance. An intestinal infection on his sixth day changed that perspective. (We came so close to losing our Megan Hope to this same intense illness, which will be shared later) Our hearts were dashed over the nest forty-eight hours as his condition seemingly stabilized then worsened repeatedly in what some assess as a cruel rhythm. In the end, Ryan was spared a difficult life and ushered into God's presence.
God's will in suffering is often veiled in mystery. We rejoice that He allowed us to perceive the good that was wrought through Ryan's brief life. I came face-to-face with these unalterable truths:
First, I came face-to-face with the reality that God alone is sovereign. I am not. He controls every aspect of my future - from our family's health to our standard of living. I do not. As a man, it was easy to succumb to the "myth of control" and a sense of exaggerated importance. Any integrity, intellect, determination, creativity, or persuasion on my part, however, could not dictate an outcome here. I had no control. God did.
Second, Christ and His Word are sufficient. As the psalmist promised, "In God's presence is fullness of joy." His Word and its promises are reliable. While our faith was tested, our heavenly Father was found faithful. His grace proved sufficient. In our weakness His love and peace enveloped us. The mind of Christ kept any root of bitterness or self-pity from undermining our communion with God or each other. Any peace or strength we displayed were only a function of God's grace in our life. We were cradled by our great God of comfort.
Third, this trial enabled us to experience the unbridled love of the body of Christ. The perspective, presence, and love Pastor MacArthur and Christian friends touched us deeply. We were loved in many tangible ways. To our great joy this did not go unnoticed by our unsaved friends and family members.
Fourth, the gospel was advanced because of Ryan's life. (As was Major's) God's love and "His peace which surpasses all understanding" were real and on display. This gave us comfort as Ryan's death provided a platform to share God's truth and love. The gospel message was clearly presented at Ryan's memorial service and in many intimate conversations. (Darcy's brother, Jed, did an amazing job at sharing God's Word during Major's memorial service. Probably the hardest thing he's done. Tate, as well, shared God's Word and God's love. Dave, with one hand on Major's casket and the other stretched towards Heaven shared with all how during even the most tragic moment of their lives as parents that "God is good". What strong faith and trust in our God these three men exhibited during such deep pain and sorrow)
And finally, heaven is more real to us. Heaven is not a vague concept or mysterious destination anymore. We long for that day of communion with Christ and reunion with Ryan.
And here is what Pamela wrote of that same experience - what a tender message from the heart of a grieving mother:
When our daughter Megan Hannah was ten months old, we learned our second child was on the way. We were happy our little family was increasing in number. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I remember telling Danny I felt an overwhelming sense the Lord was going to put our faith to the test. "I think we are going to go through the biggest trial of our lives." How and to what degree was unknown. The Lord was preparing us even in those early weeks.
I was four months along when our trial began to unfold. My first ultrasound showed something inconsistent, and my doctor referred me to an ultrasound specialist at Genetics Institute for a more in-depth ultrasound. I was terrified. (I can truly relate as Daren and I went through so much of what Pamela is about to share.) We called family and friends asking for prayer. The appointment came and the ultrasound confirmed that a little more than half of my placenta had completely stopped functioning. The umbilical cord was not providing enough nourishment, blood, or oxygen for our baby to thrive. Our baby was grossly underdeveloped.
We endured genetics counseling with a specialist, which was horrifying. It was meant to be very helpful and informative. They counseled us on our "options" and blandly explained our baby was at high risk for what seemed like every imaginable long-term illness that would require extensive care: spina bifida, cystic fibrosis, and so forth. (This same news, with the difference that Megan was diagnosed with having Cerable Palsy due to water, blood, and a dilated ventricle in her brain.) Chances were our baby was going to die before birth, at birth, or shortly after birth. The statistics were unbelievably high toward that end.
My doctor placed me on home bed rest and only allowed me to shower in the morning and use the rest room as needed. My only time out of the house was to go to a doctor's appointment. I had to rely on an intricate schedule of friends coming in shifts to take care of all the practical matters related to my child and my home.
Each visit to the specialist was an answer to prayer, however, and another chance to cling to God in prayer. Our little baby boy, as we found out, went from having a hole in his heart to having no hole in his heart, from having water around his brain to having no water around his brain, from having no growth rate at all to having grown, from having decreased flow of blood, oxygen, and nourishment to having increased flows, from having abnormally low fluid levels to having just the right amount. These are just a few of the examples of serious things that showed up each and every time we went to see the specialist. The specialist was always bewildered as to why these things clear up. We knew why they cleared up, and we took opportunities to explain to him why! Our God was bigger than any of the life-threatening physical abnormalities we faced each time we went to see the specialist. We fervently brought every little detail before the Lord, and by the time we would go to our next appointment, He had already done His work. We made sure it was a testimony to God and not anything we had done on our own. It wasn't "luck" - it was God being involved in every little detail of our son's knitting together.
We slowly started realizing the opportunities God was laying before us to share Christ with those we cam into contact with and to be a good testimony of God's work in our lives. Our prayer lives were never stronger as we both prayed for our little son and for what the Lord would have for him and for us.
Home bed rest turned into hospital bed rest. I was hooked up to everything and monitored every fifteen minutes around the clock, being stuffed with up to five thousand calories a day. (with the twins, they "stuffed" me full of eight to nine thousand calories a day. And yes, being monitored and checked every fifteen minutes can be a test in itself) I received regular steroid shots to boost the development of our son's lungs as well. I was lonely for my family - I missed being a wife and mother. (Oh can I ever relate to that. I remember begging the Dr.'s in Dallas to let me go home. Being away from Kory and Daren was so difficult)
After a little over three weeks in the hospital, the physicians determined that Ryan was at a higher risk being in the womb than delivered, so it was time for a C-section. This was it! All the prayers were said and it was time to see what the Lord had for us. My original due date was April 15 and our son, Ryan James, was born March 11, 1996. He was the tiniest little thing, weighing only two pounds and ten ounces, measuring fifteen inches. He did pretty well on his Apgar Tests and he was considered a "well preemie baby". He was in NICU doing well and I was recovering from surgery. We were emotionally, mentally, and spiritually relieved. The Lord had seen us through all the ups and downs, and now we had little Ryan James and he would come home in a moth. We were so incredibly thankful to our Jesus for bringing our little boy into this world. Ryan was tiny, but healthy. He was our miracle baby. So many answered prayers, so much spiritual growth and reliance on the Lord - It was truly amazing! We felt blessed. Our trial finally seemed to be over.
I went home from the hospital while Ryan remained in the intensive care unit. On March 17, the NICU doctor in charge of little Ryan called and asked us to come down to the hospital. She needed to see us right away. (This, I promise you, is a terrifying call....and what you are about to read is a mirror of the footsteps that Daren and I walked, again, with Megan....) What could possibly be wrong" She told us Ryan had NEC (necrotizing entercolitis with perforation) - an intestinal bacterial infection. Our sweet little son was very sick. We were shell-shocked. Our trial was supposed to be over, and here we were being told our son was in need of immediate emergency surgery so severe they couldn't even perform it there! He was stabilized several times and transported to Children's Hospital. They explained they were going to have to remove most of his large intestine and part of his small intestine. The bacterial infection was gangrenous and spreading fast. (Meggie narrowly escaped surgery because it did not totally perforate her intestine)
They performed the surgery on Ryan, but it was too much for his little two-pound, ten-ounce body to take, and he died of cardiac arrest with pulmonary hemorrhage. Ryan died in his daddy's arms on March 18, 1996. He was one week old.
I remember someone saying it was good that he passed on before I could have become attached. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Such thinking was ridiculous. My whole life for the past four months had revolved around Ryan. I knew his every little movement in my womb. His life began way before he ever came into this world. He had not been with me for just a week - he had been with me for months.
Throughout all these months, I felt as if our faith was being tested to the nth degree. At times, I didn't even know where to turn. After Ryan died, I wondered if I was going crazy. What kept me from going over the edge?
God's Word proved itself to us again and again. His grace was, and is, faithful to His promises. These three verses were of special comfort to us:
* My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
* The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. (Ps. 34:18)
* Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb 12:11)
At the time-and even now-my heart was broken, my sorrow deep. Even so, I knew deep within that Jesus loved us and He knew why He allowed this to happen. I kept reminding myself, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (Phil 3:12). I believed God was doing His refining work in us. He was broadening our ability to minister to other families. He knew we could endure. I relied upon His Word: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28).
The most amazing revelation was that God's Word was real. The Bible wasn't just words anymore-they came alive! We owned them and we relied on them. We knew God's Word was "living and powerful" (Heb 4:12). We had lived through it. God's grace was sufficient. He had sustained us. He had comforted us. He had provided for us. He had cared for us. He did love us. He was good to us. He knew exactly what we could handle, and He did not give us any more, or any less.
From an earthly perspective, losing a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to a family. Knowing the Lord through this, however, has brought blessing and purpose.
I can say this is a blessing for several reasons.
One, we know for certain, without a doubt, that Ryan is with Jesus and we will be reunited with him for eternity. Our life here is but a dot on a time line that never ends. Our time here without him doesn't even compare to an eternity reunited with him. We still need to be on our knees for our three daughters He has entrusted to us.........
Two, this experience has been a blessing to us because we have a renewed hope and understanding about heaven. Heaven is that much sweeter because Ryan is there. My desire to be in heaven is much more intense. Heaven, in my mind, is right around the corner. I can't wait to be there.
And three, this was a blessing because so many friends ministered to us in so many tangible ways. Their help was a testimony of God’s love, care, and concern for us. The body of Christ I n action is truly amazing-we were blown away by their kindness. Friends took care of us in so many practical ways-providing meals to baby-sitting-and also in spiritual ways by praying for us and standing with us-they did this for an extended period of time. That is NO small gift of love.
When we hear of someone losing their baby we are confronted with their pain, and it isn’t easy because we are confronted with our own pain all over again. Yet, we have had opportunities to help other families through the death of a little one. Often, words are not spoken. Just the fact that they see us still functioning and loving each other is a witness to them that God has brought us through this experience and what He has done for us, He can and will do for them if they will only trust Him.
Ten months after Ryan passed away, I had a miscarriage. A month later, we learned that we were expecting a baby-our precious Lauren Marie. I went through two more miscarriages before the Lord brought us Taryn Reece. Each pregnancy had its own trials, but through them all, I can say, “To Christ be the glory…amen!” Our reliance on the Lord and our relationship with Him has grown so much.
Dan and Pamela have seven children-three on this earth, their precious daughters. They know they have a son named Ryan James in heaven. But they also have three more children in heaven-the precious little ones they conceived who did not survive pregnancy. What a joyful reunion lies ahead for this family!
Let me point out several things to you from these letters written by this dear couple:
PRESENCE: First, Christian friends were very “present” for Dan and Pamela. They were present in their lives in very practical ways-helping with baby-sitting, food and home care. (Dave and Darcy were/are so blessed to have wonderful friends that did all that they could to help them in the weeks and months surrounding this terrible loss. They still stand with them today. We, as extended family that are unable to be in SLC right now, have a true sense that the presence of God is alive and living through these precious people!! Thank You Cameo, Buzz, Jen, and the rest of their special network of comfort and ministry)
GOD’S WORD: Second, the truth revealed in the Word of God was a vital source of strength for both parents. It is a source of strength to all who will turn to it in a time of need! Be bold in sharing words of Scripture with those who are grieving. You don’t need to preach a sermon. But you can say to a parent, “I found this verse of Scripture particularly encouraging and I thought you might find it helpful”-and then share a verse of encouragement about God’s abiding presence.
HOPE OF HEAVEN: Third, the hope of heaven was and is very real to Dan and Pamela. What a wonderful thing when Christians can talk about heaven together! Much of the sting of death is removed as we talk about the love of Jesus Christ and the glories of Heaven. Gently, compassionately, help the grieving parents to refocus their thinking from their loss to what we know to be their child’s gain.
PRAYER: Fourth, be bold in praying for and with your grieving friends. Take their sorrow to the Lord. Ask Him to heal their hearts, renew their strength, and fill them with the love and comfort of the Holy Spirit.
ENCOURAGEMENT: And finally, encourage the steps your grieving friends and loved ones to take in reaching out to others in need. Thank them for sharing what the Lord has taught them through their experience. Give them a listening ear as they share with you their testimony. Allow them to share their story as fully as they desire-in many ways, they may be rehearsing with you what will become a truly evangelistic or edifying message to someone in deep distress in the not-too-distant future. Encourage their efforts at getting involved with others who are in need or who are going through a time of crisis. It is as they reach out to others that much of their healing will occur and they will find renewed purpose in their lives.
Do not be reluctant to get involved with a person who has lost a child, even if you yourself have not had this experience. A listening ear, a loving heart, and warm expressions of acceptance and comfort are always welcome in time of loss. Even if you only say “I’m sorry and I love you”-you will have said a great deal.
God calls us to minister His presence to one another, and there is no greater time for this ministry than when a parent has lost a child. If you have lost a child, allow others to minister to you. If you know someone who has lost a child, reach out to that person with the love of The Lord. Trust God to show you what HE would have you say, do, and pray.
(Nelson Books ~A Division of Thomas Nelson Publishers~Copyright 2003 by John MacArthur)
In His Grip
~and~
Dedicated in Love to Those Precious Little Lives
"Safe In The Arms of God"
I've personally felt at times, I didn't know what to do. The agonizing pain of losing Major and the miscarriages that we've suffered through have seem debilitating at times. I only wish I would have had this book three years ago when our journey through suffering truly began. If you know someone who has lost a child, this will truly enlighten your heart to the cavern of pain their hearts endure!
So, here goes....
Chapter 8 ~ "How Shall We Minister to Those Who Are Grieving?"
A number of parents who have lost infants have shared with me through the years that they have received wonderful, wise, Godly counsel after their babies died. Others, however, have told me they received very bad or weak counsel. In some cases, what people said or did only added to their pain and confusion. In this chapter, I want to portray to you the type of ministry I hope you will seek out in your loss. Knowing that the Lord very likely will call upon you to minister to others in the future, I also want to help you in a very practical way to become a wonderful, wise, Godly counselor to others. (page 151)
A Loss for the Entire Community
(page 157-169)
I want to share one more story with you because it covers so many of the wonderful things we can do as fellow Christians for those who have experienced the death of a child.
Dan and Pamela, two members of our church, wrote eloquently to me of the life and death of their infant son, Ryan. Each of them wrote about their experience, and I want to share both of their letters with you. Here is what Dan wrote from his perspective as a father: (This sounds as familiar as to the heart of my amazing brother who lost his son at 15 months of age. Dave, my prayer is that you will read this and gleam some sort of comfort. You are not alone my dear friend. And these precious people would love to share with you encouragement and understanding if you should want to talk to someone who REALLY KNOWS YOUR PAIN!!)
"Awake or Asleep We Live Together With Him." These are the words carved in bronze on my son's gravestone. They are the unshaken hope and comfort of Mom and Dad.
Ryan died in my arms six years ago. I held and kissed him until he stopped breathing. The medical staff at Children's Hospital made every heroic effort to save his life. Yet, he was unable to survive the trauma of intestinal surgery. His heart simply gave out.
Ryan graced the earth for seven days. My wife's connection to him was longer and more profound. She carried him thirty-five weeks to delivery.
Without going into great detail, Ryan was born healthy. While small - under three pounds - his lungs were developed and he breathed without assistance. An intestinal infection on his sixth day changed that perspective. (We came so close to losing our Megan Hope to this same intense illness, which will be shared later) Our hearts were dashed over the nest forty-eight hours as his condition seemingly stabilized then worsened repeatedly in what some assess as a cruel rhythm. In the end, Ryan was spared a difficult life and ushered into God's presence.
God's will in suffering is often veiled in mystery. We rejoice that He allowed us to perceive the good that was wrought through Ryan's brief life. I came face-to-face with these unalterable truths:
First, I came face-to-face with the reality that God alone is sovereign. I am not. He controls every aspect of my future - from our family's health to our standard of living. I do not. As a man, it was easy to succumb to the "myth of control" and a sense of exaggerated importance. Any integrity, intellect, determination, creativity, or persuasion on my part, however, could not dictate an outcome here. I had no control. God did.
Second, Christ and His Word are sufficient. As the psalmist promised, "In God's presence is fullness of joy." His Word and its promises are reliable. While our faith was tested, our heavenly Father was found faithful. His grace proved sufficient. In our weakness His love and peace enveloped us. The mind of Christ kept any root of bitterness or self-pity from undermining our communion with God or each other. Any peace or strength we displayed were only a function of God's grace in our life. We were cradled by our great God of comfort.
Third, this trial enabled us to experience the unbridled love of the body of Christ. The perspective, presence, and love Pastor MacArthur and Christian friends touched us deeply. We were loved in many tangible ways. To our great joy this did not go unnoticed by our unsaved friends and family members.
Fourth, the gospel was advanced because of Ryan's life. (As was Major's) God's love and "His peace which surpasses all understanding" were real and on display. This gave us comfort as Ryan's death provided a platform to share God's truth and love. The gospel message was clearly presented at Ryan's memorial service and in many intimate conversations. (Darcy's brother, Jed, did an amazing job at sharing God's Word during Major's memorial service. Probably the hardest thing he's done. Tate, as well, shared God's Word and God's love. Dave, with one hand on Major's casket and the other stretched towards Heaven shared with all how during even the most tragic moment of their lives as parents that "God is good". What strong faith and trust in our God these three men exhibited during such deep pain and sorrow)
And finally, heaven is more real to us. Heaven is not a vague concept or mysterious destination anymore. We long for that day of communion with Christ and reunion with Ryan.
And here is what Pamela wrote of that same experience - what a tender message from the heart of a grieving mother:
When our daughter Megan Hannah was ten months old, we learned our second child was on the way. We were happy our little family was increasing in number. From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I remember telling Danny I felt an overwhelming sense the Lord was going to put our faith to the test. "I think we are going to go through the biggest trial of our lives." How and to what degree was unknown. The Lord was preparing us even in those early weeks.
I was four months along when our trial began to unfold. My first ultrasound showed something inconsistent, and my doctor referred me to an ultrasound specialist at Genetics Institute for a more in-depth ultrasound. I was terrified. (I can truly relate as Daren and I went through so much of what Pamela is about to share.) We called family and friends asking for prayer. The appointment came and the ultrasound confirmed that a little more than half of my placenta had completely stopped functioning. The umbilical cord was not providing enough nourishment, blood, or oxygen for our baby to thrive. Our baby was grossly underdeveloped.
We endured genetics counseling with a specialist, which was horrifying. It was meant to be very helpful and informative. They counseled us on our "options" and blandly explained our baby was at high risk for what seemed like every imaginable long-term illness that would require extensive care: spina bifida, cystic fibrosis, and so forth. (This same news, with the difference that Megan was diagnosed with having Cerable Palsy due to water, blood, and a dilated ventricle in her brain.) Chances were our baby was going to die before birth, at birth, or shortly after birth. The statistics were unbelievably high toward that end.
My doctor placed me on home bed rest and only allowed me to shower in the morning and use the rest room as needed. My only time out of the house was to go to a doctor's appointment. I had to rely on an intricate schedule of friends coming in shifts to take care of all the practical matters related to my child and my home.
Each visit to the specialist was an answer to prayer, however, and another chance to cling to God in prayer. Our little baby boy, as we found out, went from having a hole in his heart to having no hole in his heart, from having water around his brain to having no water around his brain, from having no growth rate at all to having grown, from having decreased flow of blood, oxygen, and nourishment to having increased flows, from having abnormally low fluid levels to having just the right amount. These are just a few of the examples of serious things that showed up each and every time we went to see the specialist. The specialist was always bewildered as to why these things clear up. We knew why they cleared up, and we took opportunities to explain to him why! Our God was bigger than any of the life-threatening physical abnormalities we faced each time we went to see the specialist. We fervently brought every little detail before the Lord, and by the time we would go to our next appointment, He had already done His work. We made sure it was a testimony to God and not anything we had done on our own. It wasn't "luck" - it was God being involved in every little detail of our son's knitting together.
We slowly started realizing the opportunities God was laying before us to share Christ with those we cam into contact with and to be a good testimony of God's work in our lives. Our prayer lives were never stronger as we both prayed for our little son and for what the Lord would have for him and for us.
Home bed rest turned into hospital bed rest. I was hooked up to everything and monitored every fifteen minutes around the clock, being stuffed with up to five thousand calories a day. (with the twins, they "stuffed" me full of eight to nine thousand calories a day. And yes, being monitored and checked every fifteen minutes can be a test in itself) I received regular steroid shots to boost the development of our son's lungs as well. I was lonely for my family - I missed being a wife and mother. (Oh can I ever relate to that. I remember begging the Dr.'s in Dallas to let me go home. Being away from Kory and Daren was so difficult)
After a little over three weeks in the hospital, the physicians determined that Ryan was at a higher risk being in the womb than delivered, so it was time for a C-section. This was it! All the prayers were said and it was time to see what the Lord had for us. My original due date was April 15 and our son, Ryan James, was born March 11, 1996. He was the tiniest little thing, weighing only two pounds and ten ounces, measuring fifteen inches. He did pretty well on his Apgar Tests and he was considered a "well preemie baby". He was in NICU doing well and I was recovering from surgery. We were emotionally, mentally, and spiritually relieved. The Lord had seen us through all the ups and downs, and now we had little Ryan James and he would come home in a moth. We were so incredibly thankful to our Jesus for bringing our little boy into this world. Ryan was tiny, but healthy. He was our miracle baby. So many answered prayers, so much spiritual growth and reliance on the Lord - It was truly amazing! We felt blessed. Our trial finally seemed to be over.
I went home from the hospital while Ryan remained in the intensive care unit. On March 17, the NICU doctor in charge of little Ryan called and asked us to come down to the hospital. She needed to see us right away. (This, I promise you, is a terrifying call....and what you are about to read is a mirror of the footsteps that Daren and I walked, again, with Megan....) What could possibly be wrong" She told us Ryan had NEC (necrotizing entercolitis with perforation) - an intestinal bacterial infection. Our sweet little son was very sick. We were shell-shocked. Our trial was supposed to be over, and here we were being told our son was in need of immediate emergency surgery so severe they couldn't even perform it there! He was stabilized several times and transported to Children's Hospital. They explained they were going to have to remove most of his large intestine and part of his small intestine. The bacterial infection was gangrenous and spreading fast. (Meggie narrowly escaped surgery because it did not totally perforate her intestine)
They performed the surgery on Ryan, but it was too much for his little two-pound, ten-ounce body to take, and he died of cardiac arrest with pulmonary hemorrhage. Ryan died in his daddy's arms on March 18, 1996. He was one week old.
I remember someone saying it was good that he passed on before I could have become attached. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Such thinking was ridiculous. My whole life for the past four months had revolved around Ryan. I knew his every little movement in my womb. His life began way before he ever came into this world. He had not been with me for just a week - he had been with me for months.
Throughout all these months, I felt as if our faith was being tested to the nth degree. At times, I didn't even know where to turn. After Ryan died, I wondered if I was going crazy. What kept me from going over the edge?
God's Word proved itself to us again and again. His grace was, and is, faithful to His promises. These three verses were of special comfort to us:
* My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
* The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. (Ps. 34:18)
* Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Heb 12:11)
At the time-and even now-my heart was broken, my sorrow deep. Even so, I knew deep within that Jesus loved us and He knew why He allowed this to happen. I kept reminding myself, "Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me" (Phil 3:12). I believed God was doing His refining work in us. He was broadening our ability to minister to other families. He knew we could endure. I relied upon His Word: "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Rom 8:28).
The most amazing revelation was that God's Word was real. The Bible wasn't just words anymore-they came alive! We owned them and we relied on them. We knew God's Word was "living and powerful" (Heb 4:12). We had lived through it. God's grace was sufficient. He had sustained us. He had comforted us. He had provided for us. He had cared for us. He did love us. He was good to us. He knew exactly what we could handle, and He did not give us any more, or any less.
From an earthly perspective, losing a child is probably the worst thing that can happen to a family. Knowing the Lord through this, however, has brought blessing and purpose.
I can say this is a blessing for several reasons.
One, we know for certain, without a doubt, that Ryan is with Jesus and we will be reunited with him for eternity. Our life here is but a dot on a time line that never ends. Our time here without him doesn't even compare to an eternity reunited with him. We still need to be on our knees for our three daughters He has entrusted to us.........
Two, this experience has been a blessing to us because we have a renewed hope and understanding about heaven. Heaven is that much sweeter because Ryan is there. My desire to be in heaven is much more intense. Heaven, in my mind, is right around the corner. I can't wait to be there.
And three, this was a blessing because so many friends ministered to us in so many tangible ways. Their help was a testimony of God’s love, care, and concern for us. The body of Christ I n action is truly amazing-we were blown away by their kindness. Friends took care of us in so many practical ways-providing meals to baby-sitting-and also in spiritual ways by praying for us and standing with us-they did this for an extended period of time. That is NO small gift of love.
When we hear of someone losing their baby we are confronted with their pain, and it isn’t easy because we are confronted with our own pain all over again. Yet, we have had opportunities to help other families through the death of a little one. Often, words are not spoken. Just the fact that they see us still functioning and loving each other is a witness to them that God has brought us through this experience and what He has done for us, He can and will do for them if they will only trust Him.
Ten months after Ryan passed away, I had a miscarriage. A month later, we learned that we were expecting a baby-our precious Lauren Marie. I went through two more miscarriages before the Lord brought us Taryn Reece. Each pregnancy had its own trials, but through them all, I can say, “To Christ be the glory…amen!” Our reliance on the Lord and our relationship with Him has grown so much.
Dan and Pamela have seven children-three on this earth, their precious daughters. They know they have a son named Ryan James in heaven. But they also have three more children in heaven-the precious little ones they conceived who did not survive pregnancy. What a joyful reunion lies ahead for this family!
Let me point out several things to you from these letters written by this dear couple:
PRESENCE: First, Christian friends were very “present” for Dan and Pamela. They were present in their lives in very practical ways-helping with baby-sitting, food and home care. (Dave and Darcy were/are so blessed to have wonderful friends that did all that they could to help them in the weeks and months surrounding this terrible loss. They still stand with them today. We, as extended family that are unable to be in SLC right now, have a true sense that the presence of God is alive and living through these precious people!! Thank You Cameo, Buzz, Jen, and the rest of their special network of comfort and ministry)
GOD’S WORD: Second, the truth revealed in the Word of God was a vital source of strength for both parents. It is a source of strength to all who will turn to it in a time of need! Be bold in sharing words of Scripture with those who are grieving. You don’t need to preach a sermon. But you can say to a parent, “I found this verse of Scripture particularly encouraging and I thought you might find it helpful”-and then share a verse of encouragement about God’s abiding presence.
HOPE OF HEAVEN: Third, the hope of heaven was and is very real to Dan and Pamela. What a wonderful thing when Christians can talk about heaven together! Much of the sting of death is removed as we talk about the love of Jesus Christ and the glories of Heaven. Gently, compassionately, help the grieving parents to refocus their thinking from their loss to what we know to be their child’s gain.
PRAYER: Fourth, be bold in praying for and with your grieving friends. Take their sorrow to the Lord. Ask Him to heal their hearts, renew their strength, and fill them with the love and comfort of the Holy Spirit.
ENCOURAGEMENT: And finally, encourage the steps your grieving friends and loved ones to take in reaching out to others in need. Thank them for sharing what the Lord has taught them through their experience. Give them a listening ear as they share with you their testimony. Allow them to share their story as fully as they desire-in many ways, they may be rehearsing with you what will become a truly evangelistic or edifying message to someone in deep distress in the not-too-distant future. Encourage their efforts at getting involved with others who are in need or who are going through a time of crisis. It is as they reach out to others that much of their healing will occur and they will find renewed purpose in their lives.
Do not be reluctant to get involved with a person who has lost a child, even if you yourself have not had this experience. A listening ear, a loving heart, and warm expressions of acceptance and comfort are always welcome in time of loss. Even if you only say “I’m sorry and I love you”-you will have said a great deal.
God calls us to minister His presence to one another, and there is no greater time for this ministry than when a parent has lost a child. If you have lost a child, allow others to minister to you. If you know someone who has lost a child, reach out to that person with the love of The Lord. Trust God to show you what HE would have you say, do, and pray.
(Nelson Books ~A Division of Thomas Nelson Publishers~Copyright 2003 by John MacArthur)
In His Grip
~and~
Dedicated in Love to Those Precious Little Lives
"Safe In The Arms of God"
(Clicking on the Amazon Ad to the right of this post, you can purchase this book and be blessed by reading the entire book.)
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Worst Day.....
Happy Birthday Major! I miss you! I can't even find words right now. All I know, is that you're not here. Your Mommy and Daddy deeply hurt. My heart is killing me...I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me. It's too much to write for now. I just wanted to honor your birthday and tell you that my love, our love, knows no end & we will never forget!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
To A Sweet Birthday Girl ~ Marin Joy
For a very sweet girl who celebrates today,
A birthday wish full of fun is being sent your way!
I wish we were together...oh what fun...
To giggle and laugh playing out in the sun!
I want you to know deep in your heart,
Of the love that I've had for you right from the start.
A small little bundle of pretty pink lace,
Into a beautiful little lady, full of style and grace.
I'm so proud of you, my adorable little niece!
May this year be filled with God's love and great peace!
So, happiest of wishes are being sent your way,
I hope it was the most spectacular of days!!
I love you so much Marin and miss you and your sisters so much! You have always been exactly as your middle name says...a true joy to be around. I've loved all the fun and crazy things we've done. I hope to see you again soon, but until then, know how much I love you! I am so sorry this was late. I had trouble with the computer a little.... Hope it was a very happy day!!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Ashley's Praise!
Ah again, she has rebounded and doing well!!! Very well today!!! The weather, I believe, has had a great deal to do with this recent cluster of asthma attacks. Today, the humidity is really low and the temperatures are in the low 80's. It is what I like to call a perfect day to be outside!! :0)
She took a good nap, Megan is still racked out, so Ashley and I are on the deck taking a minute to thank all for their prayers!
In His Grip!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Ashley
Please keep Ashley in your prayers. Her asthma has really started to give her problems and her breathing is very labored. She still tries to be active and keep up with Kory, but she is starting to have a great deal of trouble doing that. The nebulizer doesn't seem to be giving her much relief and without Dr. Barret, I am fearful over her condition as it seems to be getting worse. She gets very dark circles under her eyes, like a shiner, and her little face gets really splotchy and pale. If you watch her tummy when she breathes, you can see her retracting at times. It doesn't sound like it's in her nose or chest, it sounds like her airways are restricted.
Anyway, "some people" seem to think that I am worrying about nothing, but in the almost 4 years of being a mommy, my instincts have not once been wrong in taking them to the Dr. Please pray that it will become easier for her to breath and that her medication will kick in and start helping her. Please pray for clarity and direction for me as her mommy, that I will know exactly what to do and have the courage to stand strong in my conviction/leading by God.
Much love to everyone and I'll try my best to post an update on the rest of the Cole family mania in the next few days. It's just been a mad house!!
In His Grip!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A Lament for His Peace
I'm alone again in my room,
Another day gone, finally through.
I passed his pictures in the hall,
Traced his face & tried to stand tall.
I'm doing my best to trust in You,
that the pain will lessen in time.
But I still have those sweet images,
Burning through this heart of mine.
So full of life, from his very first breath.
Ten precious fingers, ten tiny toes, yet to take a step.
His mommy & daddy, their hearts ache every day
Why, oh God, did you allow this their way?
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes,
The ache in my heart that's so deep inside.
I've been in Your word, & down on my knees
But the silence is so loud, say something please!!!
I'd take the pain that these sweet parents bear,
And carry it as my own and to no one would share.
I'm running out of words God, isn't it Your turn to speak?
This valley is so large and I'm feeling so weak.
I've done my best, Lord, to trust You in this
I've given you my heart and lessened my grip
I've invited You in to heal this deep pain,
How long oh Lord, do we stand in the rain?
But as I have promised, and said to you before,
I'll take on their pain, if for one day more,
You'd give my dear brother and his truly precious wife,
One more day, one more moment, with this oh so precious life.
I'm asking! I'm pleading! I'm begging You God!
I can feel the emptiness grow & begin to sob!
They need so much to feel the touch of Your hand,
So strong and so peaceful so they can understand.
And if You can't tell them just one reason why,
Can You give them Your peace and comfort their cries?
I've taken a moment & looked at my past...
You've always given enough grace and mercy to last
Through every trial and every heart break,
You've walked me through, and have never forsake.
But I know in the valley, we can forget how You feel.
The power of Your goodness & might that's so real.
So, I'm asking You God, Give them a speck of light to see,
Until we are all together again, as one in Calvary.
I know this isn't the end, there will be more words to say....
But I hurt too deep inside, and must wait for another day.
Help me to sleep and into Your peace may I fall...
Shut down my tears & break down my walls.
Another day gone, finally through.
I passed his pictures in the hall,
Traced his face & tried to stand tall.
I'm doing my best to trust in You,
that the pain will lessen in time.
But I still have those sweet images,
Burning through this heart of mine.
So full of life, from his very first breath.
Ten precious fingers, ten tiny toes, yet to take a step.
His mommy & daddy, their hearts ache every day
Why, oh God, did you allow this their way?
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes,
The ache in my heart that's so deep inside.
I've been in Your word, & down on my knees
But the silence is so loud, say something please!!!
I'd take the pain that these sweet parents bear,
And carry it as my own and to no one would share.
I'm running out of words God, isn't it Your turn to speak?
This valley is so large and I'm feeling so weak.
I've done my best, Lord, to trust You in this
I've given you my heart and lessened my grip
I've invited You in to heal this deep pain,
How long oh Lord, do we stand in the rain?
But as I have promised, and said to you before,
I'll take on their pain, if for one day more,
You'd give my dear brother and his truly precious wife,
One more day, one more moment, with this oh so precious life.
I'm asking! I'm pleading! I'm begging You God!
I can feel the emptiness grow & begin to sob!
They need so much to feel the touch of Your hand,
So strong and so peaceful so they can understand.
And if You can't tell them just one reason why,
Can You give them Your peace and comfort their cries?
I've taken a moment & looked at my past...
You've always given enough grace and mercy to last
Through every trial and every heart break,
You've walked me through, and have never forsake.
But I know in the valley, we can forget how You feel.
The power of Your goodness & might that's so real.
So, I'm asking You God, Give them a speck of light to see,
Until we are all together again, as one in Calvary.
I know this isn't the end, there will be more words to say....
But I hurt too deep inside, and must wait for another day.
Help me to sleep and into Your peace may I fall...
Shut down my tears & break down my walls.
By: Kristi Cole
March 29, 2009
I posted this poem about 4 months ago. Today, I was looking back at my journaling since January, trying to get some of it together to make a book. I ran across this poem and really felt God leading me to publish it again. I don't know if it is for myself or if there is someone else out there in the world who needs a little lift... a little note to know that they are not alone in their pain, whatever that pain might be.
Major would have been 2 next week. "Would have...." Why God does it have to be that way?? Why can't I be excited in getting out there and getting this precious boy a gift to celebrate his 2nd birthday??? I still have a lot of "Why's?" that keep me up at night seeking God, praying for a glimpse of Him in this, a glimpse of His hand, His will, His revelation in this...but still, all I get is quiet. I can see how it has changed other people's lives. Changes for the better. Some have asked Jesus into their hearts, some have renewed relationships, some have literally been given life. Maybe those are the answers He wants me to see. My mind tells me those things, but the "connector" between my head and heart have a terrible break in the "line". I know what God's Scriptures say about living life in the Spirit and not in the flesh and how we are to dwell there, but I'm human. I'm still here on earth and will fall short....today, I've fallen short because my heart and mind long to hold and love this precious little guy....not just once more, but a million times more. Please, please don't try to tell me that longing for him is wrong. Don't tell me how to "do it right"... I don't need that right now... I know how I "should" do, live, feel.... today though, I can't and I need to cry and miss him and desire with every ounce of my being to take the pain away from my brother and Darcy.... That, today, is my hearts deepest desire!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Praying for Stellan
Oh that we as a body can come together in prayer is such a privilege....an honor. Knowing that not one prayer goes up without being heard stills my heart to feel His presence. My heart was heavy this morning as I logged on to post a blog containing updates on our journey and all that is "going wrong"~ I got on to my blog and scrolled down to see other current posts by the amazing people that I follow and admire when Stellan's blog entry, MckMama's blog, caught my eye.
Things in my life quickly came back into perspective as my love for this family overflowing in my heart, brought me to my knees in prayer. I have never met nor talked to MckMama, but I've read about Stellan's journey with SVT and this precious family.
Stellan has become ill again and is, according to her blog, being air lifted to Boston for more intense treatment and observation. Please, please pray for this family. Pray for Jennifer's strength and for her to feel the overwhelming peace that so many are interceding for her and her family. May she feel a warm blanket of love and peace tightly wrapped around her and Stellan as she holds him close to her heart.
I believe we serve a God who is capable of anything. Miracles happen every day, though seldom heard of. I believe God will intervene here. I believe that HIS will will be carried out and through this journey, His name, power, and grace will be introduced, reinforced, and renewed to many.
I had set today aside to catch up on so many emails that I have neglected to respond to, but I'd rather spend the day praying for this precious little one and ask those of you who can, join me. May the glory and power and provision of our Great and Mighty God be showered over this precious one and may the surgeons, physicians, nurses, and techs be keenly aware and anointed as they care for this little one. Guide their hands and open their minds, Father, and impart in each caregiver a compassion and love for this entire family.
We Praise You Almighty God!
In Your Grip We Rest ~
(MckMama's Blog Link is located below.....stop today and leave them a note of encouragment and support...in a valley, you can never hear it too much.....)
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/07/monday-morning-update.html?dsq=13411357#comment-13411357
Things in my life quickly came back into perspective as my love for this family overflowing in my heart, brought me to my knees in prayer. I have never met nor talked to MckMama, but I've read about Stellan's journey with SVT and this precious family.
Stellan has become ill again and is, according to her blog, being air lifted to Boston for more intense treatment and observation. Please, please pray for this family. Pray for Jennifer's strength and for her to feel the overwhelming peace that so many are interceding for her and her family. May she feel a warm blanket of love and peace tightly wrapped around her and Stellan as she holds him close to her heart.
I believe we serve a God who is capable of anything. Miracles happen every day, though seldom heard of. I believe God will intervene here. I believe that HIS will will be carried out and through this journey, His name, power, and grace will be introduced, reinforced, and renewed to many.
I had set today aside to catch up on so many emails that I have neglected to respond to, but I'd rather spend the day praying for this precious little one and ask those of you who can, join me. May the glory and power and provision of our Great and Mighty God be showered over this precious one and may the surgeons, physicians, nurses, and techs be keenly aware and anointed as they care for this little one. Guide their hands and open their minds, Father, and impart in each caregiver a compassion and love for this entire family.
We Praise You Almighty God!
In Your Grip We Rest ~
(MckMama's Blog Link is located below.....stop today and leave them a note of encouragment and support...in a valley, you can never hear it too much.....)
http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/07/monday-morning-update.html?dsq=13411357#comment-13411357
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Happy Birthday Dave!!
Dave,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I am so truly sorry I didn't call you last night to wish you a "happy day" (as Kory calls it). I know it's probably hard to "celebrate". You've hard the most difficult and at times seemingly impossible year. I still hold hope though and pray for peace in your heart. I still don't feel peace, so I think that the prayer is one for myself as well.
You deserve nothing less than a wonderful birthday. You are a magnificent husband, and loving daddy, and to me, your the best brother a little sister could ask for. You are on my heart every day (as is Darcy)!! I love you so much more than you'll ever know. I miss you deeply & can't wait until your time in Salt Lake City is over and you are closer to "home". :0)
So, I'm working on a special slide show of pictures of you and I throughout the years and I think it will make you laugh. :0) Hope to get it up on here by the end of the week..
Again, much love and hugs to you and know that we celebrated your birthday by thanking God for you and asking that He restore your joy.
I love you!! I'm always here!!!
Kristi
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I am so truly sorry I didn't call you last night to wish you a "happy day" (as Kory calls it). I know it's probably hard to "celebrate". You've hard the most difficult and at times seemingly impossible year. I still hold hope though and pray for peace in your heart. I still don't feel peace, so I think that the prayer is one for myself as well.
You deserve nothing less than a wonderful birthday. You are a magnificent husband, and loving daddy, and to me, your the best brother a little sister could ask for. You are on my heart every day (as is Darcy)!! I love you so much more than you'll ever know. I miss you deeply & can't wait until your time in Salt Lake City is over and you are closer to "home". :0)
So, I'm working on a special slide show of pictures of you and I throughout the years and I think it will make you laugh. :0) Hope to get it up on here by the end of the week..
Again, much love and hugs to you and know that we celebrated your birthday by thanking God for you and asking that He restore your joy.
I love you!! I'm always here!!!
Kristi
Friday, July 10, 2009
"Safety of Abiding in the Presence of God"
Psalm 91: 1~16
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
This Scripture has come across my eyes a number of times in the past few days. I am not certain why ~ although the Lord has been really pressing into my heart the importance of dwelling in Him. I've been learning that it is only IN Him will I ever find peace and comfort and in the JOY of THE LORD is my strength! (See Nehemiah 8:10)
Joy...joy...why does it have to be joy? Nothing around me is shouting "Joy! Joy! Look at all there is to be joyful about!!" Trust me, no one is. That is, no one but God. I still wrestle with God over how in the world I am ever supposed to have total joy ever again when something, someone, so precious to me, to our family, was taken so tragically from us. But, that's just it "how IN the world??"...I have to somehow figure a way to look beyond today, beyond life on this earth, to eternal life in Heaven. I'll never understand this side of Heaven all the questions and reasons for this event that has broken the heart of so many. But, I'd rather live every day in anticipation of going Home to Heaven, where he is, knowing that this is not the end, that we'll be together again some day. I can't walk every day without the hope that this isn't the end. If I lost my hope now, I would be saying that the God that I cried out to when I miscarried our two babies, wasn't good enough for this loss we are now suffering. Though my children weren't born, I hurt just the same. I never got to hold them, but I know Jesus is. I thank God that I can close my eyes and see Major, my babies, other babies in our family, and loved ones gone before. I can see the children running and playing. I see my Grandma and Grandpa Bulger holding them all and kissing them as only Grandpa Bulger could..you know, those sloppy wet kisses!
I have to remind myself to go to those visions every day or I can get lost in the visions of our loss. The thoughts of what isn't nor will ever be.
One thing that gives me great, great joy is knowing with every ounce of who I am that these precious children will never know the pain of a broken heart. They will never experience disappointment or confusion. They won't be exposed to the evil of this world. They will always have a bounce in their step and a joy in their hearts that know not any other. The loved ones who had gone before them who lived their last years in physical pain or heartbreak of loss are reunited and whole.
So, I will do my best to dwell with Him. To live life in His presence and hold on to the truth of His word. His inerrant, infallible word. I need not another thing.
There is a special spot below a huge oak tree where this stone is positioned in the back yard. This is where I can go, when it all gets to be too much in my mind, and remember that God and God alone is in control ~ And in Heaven with Him, all are safe and whole.
In His Grip!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Be My Refuge, Lord
Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.
Psalm 1:1-3 (NIV)
"Be My Refuge, Lord"! This is day #1 of a new book that I would classify as a "devotional" book. It's not really a work book, nor does it have days numbered. It's, from what I can tell thus far, a "guided journey" (as I like to call these books) to resting in the refuge of the Almighty. You don't have to finish it on a certain day, and it's not scheduled to take "x" amount of weeks to complete.
So, today's chapter was titled "Walking Upright in the Lord". It's a short chapter, only three pages, but it opened my eyes to some areas in my life that have been left unattended to (areas that I have left vulnerable to persuasion). I thought I would journal a few thoughts and "quotes" from this chapter and share them with anyone willing or desiring to read this.
It talks about how some of our deepest quests in life is for happiness or the "key" to being happy. I know that in my own life what has been "around" me at times doesn't "make me happy" or lead me to that which does. But, in my foolishness and hard headed nature, I kept searching the world over for that one thing or that one person that would fill me with joy and I'd live "happily ever after". I would search for that one thing that would sparkle bright enough, be trendy enough to "fit in", or popular enough to become recognized. I looked to people and things for a number of years to only find myself longing for more and lacking less in my "happiness". I still to this day can get caught up in "needing" approval from others to feel justified or loved. I think this will always be something that I have to diligently and with effort work on during my lifetime. Daily seeking God's presence, not to be "happy" (that to me is an emotion and emotions can ebb and flow like a tide) but to live in joy, which is one of the fruits that living in the Spirit produces. (Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.)
In this chapter, The Barnes (Bob and Emilie), concentrate on three things concerning "happiness":(I like to use the word "joy")
1) What to avoid
2) What to concentrate on
3) What a happy person is like
Now that I have read the "what to avoid"...I can see the holes in my life, the areas where these taboo things have had control or influence on my happiness. We need to steer clear of counsel that is not wise or grounded in God's truth, in His Word.
In today's society, in our economic and moral state as a nation, there is so much in journalism that is negative (magazines, newspapers, Internet, etc....), so much that promotes evil or filled with lies by omission (not stating the entire truths/facts). There are groups that feel that they have the right to same sex marriages or abortions. (and many others I'm sure) Through many avenues the media can creep into our lives; our minds; our homes and we can become emotionally cluttered with all the negative and pain of this world. It can steal our joy as Christians as we spend our time here on earth.
God's Word in Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You." If our minds are on God and the things of God, our minds will be at peace and in that peace we can experience joy.
#2 referenced what to concentrate on (again, I like the word "dwell" instead). This, again, is an area that takes continual effort in my life. I can tend to concentrate on the things going on around me, things and situations that I have no control over. Then, I not only lose my joy, but my ability to concentrate on any one thing. My mind runs from thing to thing to thing, never solving or accomplishing anything at all. I want something fixed fast and I don't want it to take time. I hate to read instructions, I'd rather fumble through trying to put it together. I've never liked word problems in math and the time and concentration in took to figure the answer out. BUT, what we concentrate on, what our hearts meditate on become a direct reflection of who we are in Christ. We are to dwell in Him, all day, every day, in all things.
Do I find myself doing this? No. If I did concentrate on Him more, I'd hear His voice, I'd see His hand guiding me, I'd rest in peace that comes only from His presence...not just a visit every now and then, but living my life in His presence. Sure, we all fall short, but God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows our intentions and see our effort and the more time we give Him, the more we will be inspired to give Him more. So, I've resolved to continually remind myself to concentrate on Him and not my surroundings, not Daren's job loss, not the stress of no income, nothing that would lure me away from His shelter.
#3 talks about what a happy person is like. I'm not sure that I am a big fan of the word "happy" to categorize an emotion. I like the word joy...so I'm going to use that instead. I think that it is easier to recognize a happy person. These people are usually individuals that are swayed by life events. Happy people who enter difficult seasons, usually tend to lose sight of God and struggle to remain grounded in Him and His word. When you are filled with joy, a fruit of the Spirit, it's an emotion that people or circumstances can't take from you. It's a choice we make every day to walk in joy even when everything around us is pulling us in an opposite direction.
Am I a "happy" person all the time? No. Just ask my husband. Do I ALWAYS walk in the joy of the Lord? No. I fall short more often than I'd like to honestly admit. At times, my passion for His word and His ways gets cluttered by my circumstances or I think that I'm too busy to acknowledge and walk in the joy that He has given to each believer who has made the CHOICE to bear the fruit of the Spirit. (This is where, #2 from above, is vital)
Psalm 4:8 ~ "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
Psalm 84:4 ~ "Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. Selah"
Psalm 84:10 ~ "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked."
So, in my own words, this chapter has refreshed my memory to what is important in my journey here on this earth. In the hectic day to day of life, our "filters" can get dusty. Every now and again, a basic refreshing of our relationship with Christ is needed in order to effectively live in His will.
* Avoid negative influences of this world. Base your convictions off the Word of God, not the word of man.
* Dwell in Him. Stay connected to Him every day. Concentrate, meditate, worship, & study His word. Keep your focus on God and His call on your life.
* Be full of joy. Be so certain in your walk with Christ that your joy doesn't come and go with trials and victories. Trusting in God is the only way to finding true and lasting joy. This is a big one for me!! This is something I am going to have to make a conscience effort every day to find His joy in this world and in my own personal life. When everything around me, people, circumstances, finances, health... when these things look bleak, look up. Look to Him & it is there you will find Hope and in that hope, you'll find joy.
In His Grip~
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The One That Didn't Get Away....
Every mother has her proud moments. The typical moments that bring a tear of joy and awe as our young ones pass another milestone in their journey to becoming all that is intended for them. This past Thursday, July 2, 2009, was a very memorable day and an even more proud moment for me as a mother.
Papa John and Nana came out to Grandma Gayle's so that they could watch Kory share with them how his fishing skills have grown over the past few months. It was somewhat of a circus as the five of us and the two of them hovered around the dock as rods were flying and hooks went zipping by at record speed. My fear was that someone was going to end up with a hook implanted and that drama would end our adventure after a short time.
Megan enjoyed herself as well. She is fascinated by any animal...and to her a "worm" is not only an animal but "snack". She enjoys playing with them and holding them tightly in her precious little hands. Keeping them away from her lips for "kisses" is a little bit of a challenge. She also liked the bread that we first threw out into the water to "call the fish and turtles" up to the surface. She'd never eat bread while sitting in her high chair like she does when we are down at the dock. She protects that stuff with such passion and stuffs it in as fast as she can...seriously!
We spent a good amount of time down on the dock....and it was one of the nicest moments of time we've had in a long time. It was hot, sticky, and lots of action... but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Kory and I love to lay on our tummies and fish from that vantage point.
Then.....it happened. Daren and Papa were teaching Kory how to cast and reel with a bait casting reel ("grown up" rod and reel). He caught on really fast. They had tied on a crank bait. As he reeled it in for the first time, he thought he had a fish on. (they tend to have resistance when reeling them in compared to "worm" fishing). Well, on his third cast...he truly had a fish on. (Nana and I had come up to the house with the girls, so this part of the story is coming from Papa's excitement) The fish jumped and dove back into the water, but Kory held tight and kept reeling it in. Daren and Papa realized that this wasn't any small fish by any means. It was a large mouth bass...not just a tiny bass...but one that weighed over 5 pounds. Papa came running up to the house asking for the camera and when I figured out why....I ran out of the house as if it was on fire and was on the dock within seconds.
There it was. The one that didn't get away! I can't really describe how special of a moment this was for me. I've always had a passion for fishing. Daren and I fished tournaments here in Oklahoma back in the day (about 15 years ago), then I was given the opportunity to fish on the FLW Tour as a co-angler for two seasons. (that's another full story for another post). I think some mom's (except for Ms. Debe) would not understand how much this moment meant to me as a mother. I mean, it's just a fish to some, but to me, it was my son finding passion for a sport in which brought great joy to his mommy's life for some time. I am so very, very, proud of Kory. He reeled this beast of a fish all the way to the dock, when the fish took a final dive under the dock, Daddy helped him out so that it wouldn't jump off. This fish, it's 3/4 as long as Kory is tall. It's mouth, huge. Kory didn't understand all the hooting and hollering and praise he was receiving at the time. He just knew he had done a great thing. As Daren held the fish for Kory to see...he pointed out the teeth, touched his fins, but he had never seen in person such a large fish, so he was a little taken back by getting too close to it.
This moment could not have been any more perfect than it was. It was a moment that I have great joy in the fact that my dad was here to see this. It was a moment I'll never forget. This fish is dedicated not only to my Dad (who was here ~ Papa), brother & my nephew Major, but also to my Grandpa Strombom and my Uncle Brian who also have a passion for fishing. (Congrats to my Uncle Brian for winning a tournament out in California recently!! I've meant to write you for some time....and will do as soon as I can...I was so thrilled to hear the news.
Well, here are the pictures. I hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed the moment.
So, this isn't just a fish tale...it's a moment in time to be remembered for always. Thank you Papa and Nana for coming out to see us and share in this moment with us. It was so much more special with you here. We love you!
(Ignore the "ouch" on my nose. I fell earlier in the week and my nose broke the fall on the edging of the pool. Didn't break my nose, though it looks like it. Just scraped the skin off and fractured the bone around the eye and a hairline fracture of my skull. Nice Huh?)
Papa John and Nana came out to Grandma Gayle's so that they could watch Kory share with them how his fishing skills have grown over the past few months. It was somewhat of a circus as the five of us and the two of them hovered around the dock as rods were flying and hooks went zipping by at record speed. My fear was that someone was going to end up with a hook implanted and that drama would end our adventure after a short time.
Megan enjoyed herself as well. She is fascinated by any animal...and to her a "worm" is not only an animal but "snack". She enjoys playing with them and holding them tightly in her precious little hands. Keeping them away from her lips for "kisses" is a little bit of a challenge. She also liked the bread that we first threw out into the water to "call the fish and turtles" up to the surface. She'd never eat bread while sitting in her high chair like she does when we are down at the dock. She protects that stuff with such passion and stuffs it in as fast as she can...seriously!
We spent a good amount of time down on the dock....and it was one of the nicest moments of time we've had in a long time. It was hot, sticky, and lots of action... but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Kory and I love to lay on our tummies and fish from that vantage point.
Then.....it happened. Daren and Papa were teaching Kory how to cast and reel with a bait casting reel ("grown up" rod and reel). He caught on really fast. They had tied on a crank bait. As he reeled it in for the first time, he thought he had a fish on. (they tend to have resistance when reeling them in compared to "worm" fishing). Well, on his third cast...he truly had a fish on. (Nana and I had come up to the house with the girls, so this part of the story is coming from Papa's excitement) The fish jumped and dove back into the water, but Kory held tight and kept reeling it in. Daren and Papa realized that this wasn't any small fish by any means. It was a large mouth bass...not just a tiny bass...but one that weighed over 5 pounds. Papa came running up to the house asking for the camera and when I figured out why....I ran out of the house as if it was on fire and was on the dock within seconds.
There it was. The one that didn't get away! I can't really describe how special of a moment this was for me. I've always had a passion for fishing. Daren and I fished tournaments here in Oklahoma back in the day (about 15 years ago), then I was given the opportunity to fish on the FLW Tour as a co-angler for two seasons. (that's another full story for another post). I think some mom's (except for Ms. Debe) would not understand how much this moment meant to me as a mother. I mean, it's just a fish to some, but to me, it was my son finding passion for a sport in which brought great joy to his mommy's life for some time. I am so very, very, proud of Kory. He reeled this beast of a fish all the way to the dock, when the fish took a final dive under the dock, Daddy helped him out so that it wouldn't jump off. This fish, it's 3/4 as long as Kory is tall. It's mouth, huge. Kory didn't understand all the hooting and hollering and praise he was receiving at the time. He just knew he had done a great thing. As Daren held the fish for Kory to see...he pointed out the teeth, touched his fins, but he had never seen in person such a large fish, so he was a little taken back by getting too close to it.
This moment could not have been any more perfect than it was. It was a moment that I have great joy in the fact that my dad was here to see this. It was a moment I'll never forget. This fish is dedicated not only to my Dad (who was here ~ Papa), brother & my nephew Major, but also to my Grandpa Strombom and my Uncle Brian who also have a passion for fishing. (Congrats to my Uncle Brian for winning a tournament out in California recently!! I've meant to write you for some time....and will do as soon as I can...I was so thrilled to hear the news.
Well, here are the pictures. I hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed the moment.
So, this isn't just a fish tale...it's a moment in time to be remembered for always. Thank you Papa and Nana for coming out to see us and share in this moment with us. It was so much more special with you here. We love you!
(Ignore the "ouch" on my nose. I fell earlier in the week and my nose broke the fall on the edging of the pool. Didn't break my nose, though it looks like it. Just scraped the skin off and fractured the bone around the eye and a hairline fracture of my skull. Nice Huh?)So, the night came to an end. Nana helped me put the girls down to bed and treated them to a bedtime story which thrilled them to no end. Kory got invited to spend the night at Nana and Papa's and couldn't get out the door soon enough. As they buckled him in and shut the door. Kory waved back at us and said "Bye kids! See ya!" Too cute!
This night was special. It's not a first step, first word, or first grade. It's the birth of a passion that I pray will grow over the years and give Kory something to love to do.You did such an amazing job buddy for only being three!!! Meggie, your love for food and your love for animals might become a problem. :0) No matter what, you are sweet and lovable...my little squishy. I thank God daily for your health and that He protected and healed you as a tiny baby...to think that we could have lost you...that you weren't supposed to be able to walk or talk...Your joy is God's gift! Ashley, your independence amazes me every day. You are brave and certain of who you are (and what you want). I pray you will always have the confidence to go for what you want in life & the conviction in your heart to follow Jesus. I am so blessed to be the mommy of these three precious lives. Some days I feel crazy.... Some days are so hectic that I find myself running in circles never accomplishing anything...Some days I long for naps and bedtime...but not today. Today is a good day. Today we shared a moment together as a family and I treasure that. Thank You God for Your goodness. Protect these little lives God, please. In Your Son's name...
In His Amazing Grip!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
II Corinthians 12:9
A dear friend of mine in Tyler, sent me this Scripture on FaceBook. The admiration that I have for this wonderful friend is monumental. Her joy is contagious....her love for God so authentic... she's just an all-around wonderful friend....I miss her!! (Thanks Stephanie E.)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Gracious Merciful Lord ~ By; Kristi L. Cole
Gracious, Lord, You are gracious ~ Your love knows no end
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ In You, my heart will mend.
The seasons of life, they can be so trying at times
But Your gracious love lives in this battered heart of mine.
I’m trying Lord, I’m trying so hard to do what’s right
But the opposition is so great, I’ve lost my strength in the fight
There are whispers and stares and lies that are told.
Judgment on my heart that brings a chill so cold.
Gracious, Lord, You are gracious, heal this heart of mine
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful, touch my heart & please give me time.
I praise You God at the foot of the cross
With Your Son in my heart & knowing your loss
Great tears come down, staining my face,
As my mind takes hold of Your endless grace.
In the silence I hear, “My child, I’m here,
Put all trust in Me and put away your fear”.
Gracious, Lord, You are gracious ~ You continue to pour out Your love
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ my faith lies in You above
As I fall on my face and I see Your sweet grace
I feel Your mercy inside and find strength in this place.
You’ve counted my tears that continue to fall
You’ve gently pulled me to stand, so in You I’d stand tall
You’ve never forgotten about me, You’ve always been close
It’s I who have taken my eyes away, and then became lost.
Fill me Lord, fill me today
Of mercy towards others & to walk in Your ways
Please love me Lord, as only You could
And may I realize in You, is where I’ve stood
Regardless of words that are shouted out loud,
Causing pain in my heart, darkening the cloud.
Gracious, Lord, show me how to be gracious
Soften my heart and help me be courteous
Merciful, Lord, teach me to show mercy
So in my actions, it is You that they see.
Written by: Kristi L. Cole
Date: June 28, 2009
All Rights Reserved/Copy Right Pending
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ In You, my heart will mend.
The seasons of life, they can be so trying at times
But Your gracious love lives in this battered heart of mine.
I’m trying Lord, I’m trying so hard to do what’s right
But the opposition is so great, I’ve lost my strength in the fight
There are whispers and stares and lies that are told.
Judgment on my heart that brings a chill so cold.
Gracious, Lord, You are gracious, heal this heart of mine
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful, touch my heart & please give me time.
I praise You God at the foot of the cross
With Your Son in my heart & knowing your loss
Great tears come down, staining my face,
As my mind takes hold of Your endless grace.
In the silence I hear, “My child, I’m here,
Put all trust in Me and put away your fear”.
Gracious, Lord, You are gracious ~ You continue to pour out Your love
Merciful, Lord, You are merciful ~ my faith lies in You above
As I fall on my face and I see Your sweet grace
I feel Your mercy inside and find strength in this place.
You’ve counted my tears that continue to fall
You’ve gently pulled me to stand, so in You I’d stand tall
You’ve never forgotten about me, You’ve always been close
It’s I who have taken my eyes away, and then became lost.
Fill me Lord, fill me today
Of mercy towards others & to walk in Your ways
Please love me Lord, as only You could
And may I realize in You, is where I’ve stood
Regardless of words that are shouted out loud,
Causing pain in my heart, darkening the cloud.
Gracious, Lord, show me how to be gracious
Soften my heart and help me be courteous
Merciful, Lord, teach me to show mercy
So in my actions, it is You that they see.
Written by: Kristi L. Cole
Date: June 28, 2009
All Rights Reserved/Copy Right Pending
God, to You all my praise is to You! You've given me the gift, the gift to take seasons in my life and be able to write songs and poems that honor You're greatness. You've never forsaken a cry of my heart. There have been many times of silence, seasons where You are quiet to the longing for knowledge to why You've allowed things to happen. I'm trying Lord, trying so hard to learn to rest in the quiet. To take those moments and sit in Your presence until I feel Your touch and my heart is all consumed with Your love. You're patience with me goes beyond that in which any earthly father could withstand....and I thank You for standing by me in our journey...in our dance. I hear the music that we dance to in the voices and pitter pat of my babies feet...in their laughter and giggles. I hear the slower music filled with pain, where You hold me against Your chest and pick me up as a mother would cradle her new born to bring her child comfort. I love you God!! I am so thankful for the Cross....for the ability to fall to my knees and weep in Your presence. Tears of pain and joy. You're there constantly to share in my victories and there to comfort the difficult days. You passion and tenderness is just as real as the air I breath. God, forgive me, forgive me please for trying to handle the last week or so without falling into You. Lord, You alone are all the protection that I need. You've promised in Your word that vengeance is Yours. All You ask is that in my anger, I do not sin. Please forgive my anger that has birthed words spoken out of bitterness and protection for my children, my nieces, and my brother and Darcy. My intentions were right, but I should have spoken in love. Continue to help me express my desires and help those hearts and ears that hear my words to respect that in which I feel are appropriately Scriptural guidelines for our family.
God, there is no way, no way at all, that I would have survived thus far in this journey without Your daily protection, guidance, patience, mercy, and grace. There was a terrible accident here in Norman in the early hours of the morning that claimed the lives of three young adults. Oh Lord, how many nights, many years ago did You protect myself, Daren, Melissa, Kelly, Mike T, and others in the group that we ran with when we made stupid, childish, irresponsible choices. Not only did we put our lives in dangers path, but we could have destroyed, damaged, or broken the hearts of our parents and families. Thank You for Your protection then....and today as our lives have changed for the better and now begin to shape and protect our own children. Mike (Melissa's husband) was called in to work the accident and Melissa ran a call today on the mother of one of the girls that passed away. Place Your hands, Your wings around these families as they embark on every parents worst nightmare. Please Father, please bring people into their lives that can help them find Your comfort ..... The only comfort that truly does bring peace....
God, again, I do love You. Jesus, thank You for living in my heart. Holy Spirit, thank You for being that movement I feel in my heart and may my mind clear to hear and feel You lead me daily.
In His Grip~
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